The Chosen People Shuffle

Sometimes listening is key.

Names have been changed to protect the blockheaded.

Name of Date: Shalom

Date #: 1

Looks Like: A penguin. Short and stout. But that's a teapot isn't it?

Age: 26

Occupation: Public policy? or politics? or something that requires a suit and writing letters? I wasn't paying too much attention.

Where We Met: Connexion.org

What Happened: I had just moved to a new place and was eager to finally start dating. New city, new crop of men, new experiences. I had high hopes that only the best and brightest would be permitted into my company. I'd be discerning about who I spent my time with. I am getting long in the tooth and I can't just wast my time anymore. Seriously in gay years, after you pass 24, you might as well be 40.

I had decided my first date would be with someone older, financially stable and interesting. Who knew that this would translate into someone Jewish? I don't know why my brain hadn't connected these needs and obvious stereotypes before? Plus who is more desperate to settle down? Amiright gentiles?

We spent several evenings talking online and things were going well. He was funny, interesting and seemed serious about dating. Since I had a new outlook on trying to weed out any losers beforehand, I told him outright that planning for a date impresses me. I do not like this lame-ass "oh we'll figure it out" bull shit. NO! Put some thought into it. Make me believe you actually care enough to spend time planning something for me. Let me stress how much I made this clear.

We agree to meet one night after work. I tell him I'll get tickets to a show, if he plans dinner. IF HE PLANS DINNER. He agrees. When I show up to meet him after work his exact phrase was "I thought we could walk around and find someplace around here to eat." Oh hell to the fucking no. I straight up told you I like plans. This is essentially a slap in the face to my needs AND to you listening to what I say.

I also want to mention it's hot as balls outside. Like HOT AS SATAN'S BALLS. So wandering around aimlessly is at the bottom of my list of things I want to be doing. It is underneath wearing carpenter jeans, but above listening to my roommate talk about the kardashians. Yet this is what we do. wander. He is talking incessantly about who knows what, I'm certainly not listening. We head one way and there is a pizza place but it is too crowded. We head another and there is a sushi place, but it is too expensive. We head a third way and there is a 30 minute wait at a bistro.

We have been walking around for 40 minutes. I am drenched in sweat and thoroughly unhappy and all I hear is this dude's high pitched gay voice rambling on about his day or whatever.

We FINALLY end up at Chipotle. Which, ladies and ladies is exactly 20 paces from the place we agreed to meet. It is also chipotle. Not that I don't love chipotle, it is just the worse place for a first date. There is no way to look cute eating and it also says "you are worth an $8 burrito to me, get your own guac."

The line is forever long and when we get our food we have to cram into a bar and awkwardly brush up against people sitting very close to us. But I am inside. I have food. I am going to relax and give him a chance. He doesn't deserve it. He deserves a face full of my sweaty armpit, but I am going to be polite and listen to him now. Cut to every single disparaging remark a person can make about being a jew. Also I just said "a jew." I'm sorry.

He think's its funny to make fun of himself and his culture and the hundreds of stereotypes. But it is not funny. It is uncomfortable. If Yhwh was sitting next to me at the bar he'd have been all "dude. seriously."

When we make it to my part of the date, where I got us theatre tickets, I'm just so happy I don't have to talk to him anymore that I don't even mind that the show is entirely uninteresting. He loves it, which, god bless, but I'm less than impressed. Which is turning out to be the theme of the evening.

I haven't even touched on the fact that he is so far from my physical type! His terrible personality and disregard of my needs are more shocking than his beer belly. I am not liking someone for not shallow reasons! I really am growing up.

When the show ends all I want to do is get home and shower. He suggests a drink and I say "No, I am very tired and don't feel like walking anymore." He says "Oh ok, but we are so close to this garden I love, can I show it to you?" I reluctantly agree and follow him. Even though it is 10pm it is still effing stifling outside. I figure ooo and ahhh at the garden for 5 minutes and then I'm on my way.

After walking 4 blocks, I realize his definition of "close" is not the same as mine. I literally stop and say "how much further is this place?" He confesses that we've got another 15 minutes of walking. I say goodnight, turn around and go home. How dare he ignore my needs for the SECOND time. I'm not fucking Betty Draper!!! Homo is tired. Homo does not want to go anywhere right now! Homo is over you.

Gained Points for: Dropping his whopping $8 for my burrito bowl.

Lost Points for: Making me sweat when a bedroom is not involved.

Mistakes I Made: Trusting he would be able to follow simple directions

Chances for another date: Unless some vial of oil burns for 8 nights again, it is not happening.

Overall Grade: D