Names have been changed to protect the conventional.
Name of Date: Stereotype
Date #: 1
Looks Like: an upstanding young man. with a crew cut.
Age: 30
Occupation: Hairstylist
Where We Met: Adam4Adam (ok i'm a big huge whore. just say it.)
What Happened: So after exchanging a few messages online we trade phone numbers and begin texting. I guess I should preface this by saying, for those of you who don't know, A4A is like 90% used as a hook-up site. Like. Most profile pics are of penises and asses. Not so many faces. I am a classy lady and don't post any of those, in case you care. But every once in a while, while trudging through the insanely desperate and sex obsessed homos, you find some decent dudes. Stereotype seemed to be one of them. Despite the fact he did have a nude picture posted.* (From here on out an * will indicate something stereotypical of gay men and thus his pseudonym) It is very odd to see a guy's dick before you even go out with him. It is liberating slash also very weird and not recommended for anyone you want to take seriously.
We meet up for dinner one night. Well before that I drive to his place so he can take me to dinner. I get to his place and there is a bright rainbow flag hanging from his porch.* I roll my eyes because I don't feel it's necessary to announce to my neighbors that I'm a big ol' mo. I think my cut off jorts, deep v-neck t-shirts and aviator sunglasses are doing that quite nicely. Plus could the reigning gays please come up with something uglier to announce our pride? No matter what your house looks like, it's just gonna look tacky hanging up there.
When I ring the doorbell and he answers he greets me with "heeeeeeeeey*" in a high-pitched and feminine voice.* I try not to cringe. This causes me to look down and I noticed his toe-nails are painted.* Purple.* I literally fixate on that for the next 20 minutes of the date because he has his effing toenails painted. Unless he was playing pretty pretty princess with his adorable nieces right before I arrive, there is no reason a grown man should have any sort of coating on his toenails. I don't think anything has ever caused me to deduct more points as rapidly as I did.
He suggests we go to this new pizza place for dinner. I'm down. Even though I've eaten and end up ordering only a water. But we get into his silver miata* and roll into town. And by town I mean down the road. We aren't living in a big city here, people. On the way he tells me about his salon and how much he loves being a hairstylist.* It's great that he loves his job, but there is no way I could care about someone's hair as much as he does. It's like... hair. It's dead and on your head. I mean I appreciate when it looks good, but this guy is like in love with your mom's hair. seriously.
The restaurant is fine, but the conversation is boring* (this asterisk might confuse some of you, but those of you who know stereotypical gay men, know they are inherently boring and have nothing of value to say). I kind of just want the evening to end so that I don't have to constantly wonder if the waitress is pitying me because my perceived boyfriend has purple toe-nail polish adorned on the foot he's kicking back and forth over his crossed leg.*
After dinner he suggests a bar. Wow. A surprisingly non-homosexual choice. I am almost impressed until he orders a margarita.* I will just sip my beer. At a bar. Like I am supposed to. At this point the conversation literally stops. We don't really have much to say to each other. He is boring. We don't have anything in common. And while he is cute, that is about his only attractive quality. He nurse our respective drinks until it is time to go.
On the drive back to his place he turns on his XM radio to his "favorite station." It is the techno station.* This is "the only kind of music he listens to." Right then a remix of Unwritten by what's her face comes on and I laugh because a. that song/the hills b. it is a techno remix of unwritten. seriously?! He asks why I'm laughing and I explain and he had no clue it was a real song. His knowledge of music is literally limited to techno. It is pathetic and ultimately sad.
When we get back to his place he asks if I'll help him walk his dog. I say yes, because that sounds fun slash an actually interesting thing to do and might prompt actual conversation. He goes to get his dog and it is a minuscule white ball of fluff.* Named Princess.* It is a bichon frise or something equally as annoying and we follow it as prances all over the neighborhood. I am mortified.
After the sad excuse for a dog is back in her cage, I am ready to make my exit, but he stops me and shoves his tongue in my mouth.* Apparently no chemistry doesn't matter. This date was a means to an end; random, nearly anonymous sex.* I should have left, but I need something to salvage my evening so I allow him to bring me back to his bedroom. I am affixing an asterisk to myself here.
We keep making out and clothes come off, and hooking-up commences.* He is on top of me and I feel him rooting around underneath the pillow my head is on, and in a matter of seconds he pulls out lube. Lemme just evaluate this. He planted lube on his bed, within easy access, because this probably happens pretty often for him.* After drenching me in it (Seriously I hate the stuff, it makes you feel so sleazy until you take a shower) he asks me to bareback him.* Not only does he want no strings sex, he wants it unprotected. No. I am done. Gone. Outta there. Out of my phone and out of my life.
Gained Points for: Being cute initially?
Lost points for: See the 19 asterisks above.
Mistakes I Made: Being ok with hooking up with a dude to salvage a boring evening.
Chances for another date: Not gonna happen.
Overall Grade: C-
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