You Want Me to What!?

Sometimes I'm lazy.

Names have been changed to protect the active.

Name of Date: Slim Fast
Date #: 2
Title of Last Date: A Thin Line Between Trashy and Classy
Amount of Time Between Last Date: 2 weeks
What Happened: So Slim Fast told me he had planned a special date for us. One that would take all day. I always get really excited when the other guy plans the date because then I don't have to think about it... and he usually pays for it. And taking all day? Yes PLEASE! That means its more than dinner and a movie. Or bowling. Or something else contrived that guys will tend to pass off as the most original idea in the world while I silently roll my eyes and judge them for mediocrity.

So I get to his place and he tells me we're driving out to his mom's house. uh... meeting the parents? you don't just spring that on someone. i mean, meeting parents is easy for me 'cause i'm pretty and respectful. I like to think I'm what the parents of a gay son hope he brings home instead of a drag queen. But regardless, I needed preparation time. He assures me she isn't going to be there. uh... ok. well... driving 45 minutes away to fool around on your mom's couch while you have your own apartment seems pretty ridic to me. but... whatevs.

So we get there and right before her driveway is this gorgeous lake. Like truly beautiful. I comment on it and he's all... "well i'm glad you like it, cause we're going canoe-ing!"

hol' up.

prolonged intense physical activity on a date? i'm sorry, but thats like the WORST IDEA EVER. first off, if i'm getting sweaty, it better be because i'm in a sauna. secondly who would ever wear themselves out for hours with the promise of sex later on that night? clearly this kid didn't know anything about me.

I decide to be optimistic, however, and try my hardest to be "outdoorsy." I can handle paddling. I can't be that bad. Spoiler Alert: It is.

So the first thing we have to do is lug the thing out of his mom's garage and carry it the 200 yards to the lake. Its dirty, dusty, gross and I'm covered in ick. My arms are failing me and all I want to do now is lay down and have someone serve me a margarita. We eventually make it to the lake and cast off. And I'll admit, its nice... for like the first 5 minutes. Then I get bored. Its just stroke after stroke, and not the fun kind of stroking.

I think the universe could sense my boredom and said "oh hey. lets liven things up!" so it started to rain. So picture this: a frustrated gay boy in an unflattering life jacket cursing the heavens (and his date) in a canoe in the middle of a lake. That was my life.

We paddle to an island and I'm hoping we get to rest now. Not so much. "Time for a hike!" he exclaims. "In the rain?" "of course"

I don't know which is worse; actually going on the hike or throwing myself in the lake to drown. I consider the tragic death for a while. Slim Fast could even tell his friends that some dude totes killed himself while we were on a date. Then i figured that might not be as impressive to future potential dates and he'd probably appreciate not having to drag my lifeless body back to his mom's house.

I survive the hike, the paddling back, and the carrying the canoe back... but barely. I slept the whole car ride home. If God had wanted me to do outdoor things, he wouldn't have made me so pretty.

Gained Points for: Never losing his temper. He could have gotten super upset with me.

Lost Points for: Assuming I'd enjoy getting sweaty and gross.

Mistakes I Made: Not stressing it earlier that I like air conditioned environments.

Chances for Another Date: Pretty good. I let him know I do NOT want to do anything like that again. I think he got the message.

Overall Grade : C

A Thin Line Between Trashy and Classy

Sometimes creepers are decent people

Names have been changed to protect the semi-obsessed.

Name of Date: Slim Fast
Date #:1
Age: 23
Looks Like: The After of the "Before and After" picture.
Occupation: Managerial Position at a Theme Park
Where we met: At a gay club. We made out in the corner while people watched. (That's sexy, don't even pretend it isn't) Then he actually asked for my number.
What Happened: He drove and picked me up at my place. Which, doesn't sound that classy, but it is. You ladies (and gents) out there know that actually getting picked up for a date makes you feel special. It lets you know you mean more than gas money.

He was wearing a black t-shirt with an Ed Hardy-eqsue design on it and I almost didn't get in the car. Ed Hardy? Really!? There is no faster way to scream "I'm an effing douche-bag" than by wearing Ed Hardy. Plus he had paired it with an undershrit that was peeking out of the collar. Awkward. Wear a wifebeater. Or a V-Neck. Seriously. This is my plea to all young men; keep your undershirts hidden. Thank you. It is my theory though that his undershirt was trying to escape the Ed Hardy prison... therefore, I forgave it.

He took me to a chic restaraunt downtown and ordered a pitcher of sangria. Check plus. I love sangria and it was a nice touch. We talked about our lives and he quickly confessed that he'd been thinking about me for the past two years but didn't know if we'd ever meet. My stalker alarm went off. The past two years!?!? Thats crazy talks if I've ever heard it. I began to worry he had a shrine to me back his place made out of my used gum. Then I pictured Helga's used gum shrine to Arnold on "Hey Arnold!" and I laughed.

He told me we had a class together my freshmen year. I didn't recognize him. Well that was because he'd lost ALMOST 100 POUNDS SINCE THEN! Way to go, sir. Thats phenomenal. Thats the kind of dedication I like. Someone who hates themselves so much, they'd do anything to change it. I immediately liked him.

We ended dinner, took a walk by the river holding hands (I KNOW!) and then back to my place for awkward makeouts while the roommate was in the next room. Hey, just because he was classy, didn't mean that I had to be.

Gained Points for: Letting me wear his sunglasses when it was too bright and not expecting sex.

Lost Points for: Owning and wearing an Ed Hardy T-Shirt, which he confessed he bought SPECIFICALLY for our date. Bad move, sir.

Mistakes I Made: Hogging the Sangria. I was pretty much broadcasting the fact that I like to drink. Let me reiterate; Classy doesn't neccesarily beget Classy.

Chances for Another Date: If my boozing, and judgemental glances at his clothing didn't screw me over, probably good.

Overall Score: B