Thursday, July 9, 2009

You Want Me to What!?

Sometimes I'm lazy.

Names have been changed to protect the active.

Name of Date: Slim Fast
Date #: 2
Title of Last Date: A Thin Line Between Trashy and Classy
Amount of Time Between Last Date: 2 weeks
What Happened: So Slim Fast told me he had planned a special date for us. One that would take all day. I always get really excited when the other guy plans the date because then I don't have to think about it... and he usually pays for it. And taking all day? Yes PLEASE! That means its more than dinner and a movie. Or bowling. Or something else contrived that guys will tend to pass off as the most original idea in the world while I silently roll my eyes and judge them for mediocrity.

So I get to his place and he tells me we're driving out to his mom's house. uh... meeting the parents? you don't just spring that on someone. i mean, meeting parents is easy for me 'cause i'm pretty and respectful. I like to think I'm what the parents of a gay son hope he brings home instead of a drag queen. But regardless, I needed preparation time. He assures me she isn't going to be there. uh... ok. well... driving 45 minutes away to fool around on your mom's couch while you have your own apartment seems pretty ridic to me. but... whatevs.

So we get there and right before her driveway is this gorgeous lake. Like truly beautiful. I comment on it and he's all... "well i'm glad you like it, cause we're going canoe-ing!"

hol' up.

prolonged intense physical activity on a date? i'm sorry, but thats like the WORST IDEA EVER. first off, if i'm getting sweaty, it better be because i'm in a sauna. secondly who would ever wear themselves out for hours with the promise of sex later on that night? clearly this kid didn't know anything about me.

I decide to be optimistic, however, and try my hardest to be "outdoorsy." I can handle paddling. I can't be that bad. Spoiler Alert: It is.

So the first thing we have to do is lug the thing out of his mom's garage and carry it the 200 yards to the lake. Its dirty, dusty, gross and I'm covered in ick. My arms are failing me and all I want to do now is lay down and have someone serve me a margarita. We eventually make it to the lake and cast off. And I'll admit, its nice... for like the first 5 minutes. Then I get bored. Its just stroke after stroke, and not the fun kind of stroking.

I think the universe could sense my boredom and said "oh hey. lets liven things up!" so it started to rain. So picture this: a frustrated gay boy in an unflattering life jacket cursing the heavens (and his date) in a canoe in the middle of a lake. That was my life.

We paddle to an island and I'm hoping we get to rest now. Not so much. "Time for a hike!" he exclaims. "In the rain?" "of course"

I don't know which is worse; actually going on the hike or throwing myself in the lake to drown. I consider the tragic death for a while. Slim Fast could even tell his friends that some dude totes killed himself while we were on a date. Then i figured that might not be as impressive to future potential dates and he'd probably appreciate not having to drag my lifeless body back to his mom's house.

I survive the hike, the paddling back, and the carrying the canoe back... but barely. I slept the whole car ride home. If God had wanted me to do outdoor things, he wouldn't have made me so pretty.

Gained Points for: Never losing his temper. He could have gotten super upset with me.

Lost Points for: Assuming I'd enjoy getting sweaty and gross.

Mistakes I Made: Not stressing it earlier that I like air conditioned environments.

Chances for Another Date: Pretty good. I let him know I do NOT want to do anything like that again. I think he got the message.

Overall Grade : C

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