Showing posts with label wine. Show all posts
Showing posts with label wine. Show all posts

Sunday, August 22, 2010

The Most Dangerous Game

Sometimes a date is a just a pretext gone wrong.

Names have been changed to protected the overly focused.

Name of Date: Sgt. Handsome-Face
Date #: 2
Title of Last Date: Redemption
Amount of Time Between Dates: A week
What Happened: Well after out last date I had to stop myself from going out to buy an engagement ring. This guy fit every single one of my requirements. He was one of those guys that you cannot wait to show off to your friends because you know they'll be impressed and you cannot wait to be "in a relationship" with on fb because you know your ex's will be insanely jealous and spend the evening eating out of ben and jerry's pints. basically i want to lock this down as quickly as humanly possible.

I invited him over for a game night, which I think is a very cute idea. I had scrabble and a deck of cards and he was going to bring cribbage and some dice to teach me bunko. I think that is the name I cannot really remember. He was very into the idea and said he'd pick up a bottle of wine on the way. I could not get over how thoughtful he was. I was tempted to put on knee-pads so that if he showed up with flowers I could just drop right there and thank him properly in my doorway.

But I didn't and he didn't, so it was fine. Proper etiquette says the beejs can wait if there are no flowers.

We begin with scrabble which is literally my favorite game ever. I get way into it and probably care too much about winning. I think it's because it makes me look smart and crafty and I can pull off the effortless air of placing down 7 tiles over a triple word score without batting an eye. Sgt. H-F was digging my mad skills and asked me to put on some music. Thank you Postal Service. Give Up is the best album for any situation, just adjust the volume and you've got everything from great ambiance to sexy makeout music.

The wine he brought was pretty terrible, but I didn't care. I had this gorgeous guy in my place playing a game I love and I am clearly impressing him with my scrabble skills. The night is going so well.

I win the game and he begins to teach me how to play bunko. Which is a dice game. I don't really get the rules but he is way into it and obviously very good at it. I become bored rather quickly and decide that we've had our cute gaming fun, it's time to pull this kid into the bedroom. I lean in to kiss him and he's very responsive. score. Our kissing becomes more passionate and I pull him away from the table and towards my bedroom. I pull off his hoodie and he pulls away and says. "Can we finish the game first?"

uh..... seriously? i only came up with game night in the first place just to get you over here. it was a means to an end, not something i actually saw us doing late into the night. i had quite another activity planned for that.

but he is my guest and for some strange reason invested. so i agree. he puts his hoodie back on and sits back at the table. it was almost like a slap in the face. re-robing. like we were both playing a larger game in which his defenses wouldn't be shattered so easily. His strategy was to keep me busy and prolong the sexing until I was begging for it. Well 2 can play at that game, sir!

Actually I cannot. I will become whiny and demand it and seem pathetic in like 20 minutes.

Which is exactly what happened. After sitting through the rules of cribbage I literally was like. Can we just go make out now? His victorious grin signaled my defeat. But I didn't really care that much because seriously we're both about to get some, so... I could lose that game every time and be fine.

It turns out to be... underwhelming. Another classic case of cannot stay hard but "it's not you, i promise." I fucking hate that bullshit. Is your mind too focused on cribbage to keep a boner for me? I mean I give a STUPENDOUS blow job, no lie, and you can't even keep it up for me? Is THIS the real prize for the loser? Mediocre hook-ups with unfulfilled desires. I am seriously beginning to doubt our compatibility. Until he rises to go to the bathroom and as he emerges and stands nude in the doorway he sighs and says "thank god we both look good naked" before pouncing on me.

faith restored. slightly.

he still doesn't seem to be excited so i decide that if i cannot have a sexual connection with him tonight, we will form an emotional one. I invite him to spend the night. (maybe by 6am your morning wood will tell a different story). He reluctantly agrees, out of guilt i think. Which makes me feel even more desperate and pathetic.

i turn off the light and we cuddle for perhaps 10 minutes before he announces. I really should go. dresses. and exits. i feel like crying. i don't even hear his car pull away for another 20 minutes after he's walked out the door. did he sit there trying to decide whether or not to come back in? or booty calling some other guy who will keep him hard? either way i felt ugly and unwanted.

the next morning he sent me an e-card saying "sorry i bailed." verbatim. that is what it said. it is funny how one moment someone can be so amazing and the next so utterly disappointing.

Gained Points for: complimenting my nude form

Lost Points for: LEAVING!

Mistkaes I Made: Expecting too much on a 2nd date.

Chances for Another Date: It is all up to him at this point.

Overall Grade: D+

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Holiday Edition

Sometimes fierce sexy bitches make requests. This is for you, Bilger.

Names have been changed to protect the...

Name of Date: Santa Klaus.
Date #: 1
Looks Like: The Jolly Gay Giant's brother. But not as intimidating.
Age: 23
Occupation: Grad Student/Economist
Where We Met: Online. OK. I AM AN EFFING ONLINE WHORE-FACE.
What Happened:

Twas two days before Christmas
and alone in my house
all that was stirring
was the rather large mouse... in my pants.

I'm no good at rhyming. I am much more proficient in Haikus.

ANYWAY. I had met this kid online and he was in town for Christmas. He had nothing to do so I invited him over after I got off work to have a glass of wine and chill. AKA if you're pretty enough I will put my tongue in your mouth and take of my shirt.

Well due to a new employee it took me FOREVER TO GET HOME. And once I got there I had to clean and make the place look presentable. There is nothing worse than a sloppy homo. They come into your place and are all judgy-eyed and think things like "omgzz. this freak need some fa-breeze." I know. Because I've thought that. Myself. About myself.

SO I clean and I finally give him the green light to come over. By this point its 11:00pm and I'm wondering if I'm crossing the line into booty-call land. Which means I would have gotten my golden slut card. SO I am secretly hoping he isn't as cute as his picture so that I will have no desire to pull him down onto my bed. My bed is a no uglies zone.

So he arrives and dammit to hell, he's cute. Like super cute. And tall. Its moments like this I wish I had a chastity belt. I cannot control my groin. It needs to be caged. It is voracious. Imagine it. Yeeeeeeah.

So I pour him a glass of wine and we have funny banter about the term "wine key." And I've got the charm/wit turned up as high as it can go. He's laughing. I'm laughing. We discuss how he lives in germany (plus) in fluent in several languages (plus) is not out to his parents (minus) and how he just got out of a 3 year relationship (huge minus). The conversation quickly turns into a "i don't know how to date, am i going to end up alone?" pep talk. And I have been there so I know what it feels like. Hell, I am living that every day.

So I try to be encouraging and say. "Well... you are really handsome. I don't think you'll have any problem." And I pat his knee. He looks away and says "Thanks.... Awkward pause." HE LITERALLY SAID "AWKWARD PAUSE." I mean there are several options here

a. "aww you are handsome too"
b. "smile and kiss me."
c. ANYTHING OTHER THAN SAY "AWKWARD PAUSE."

I mean this was the kid who was texting me all day saying how excited he was about our "date." and now you can't even compliment a homo? BAD FORM! Then on top of all these he looks at the clock and says... "i should probably go soon." He should have just said "you are ugly and the thought of kissing you makes me want to be straight." So what could I say other than "well... leave when you need to."

Which he did. 15 minutes later. After feeding me some line about "lets get together again." I speak gay fluently, sir, i know you mean. "please do not text me and i'd appreciate it if you'd ignore me online." Ironically, he looked like the Jolly Gay Giant and treated me the same... except this time it wasn't the site of my penis that repulsed him... just my broke-ass face. I guess Santa didn't want to come... at all.

Gained Points for: Being smart and clever. And saving me from the guilt of being a slutty whore the next morning.

Lost Points for: Making me feel like an ugly stepsiter.

Mistakes I Made: Complimenting him? I dunno. I think I was pretty classy. I didn't even try to kiss him.

Chances for Another Date: I don't think I'll be hearing from him again.

Overall Grade: C