Holiday Edition

Sometimes fierce sexy bitches make requests. This is for you, Bilger.

Names have been changed to protect the...

Name of Date: Santa Klaus.
Date #: 1
Looks Like: The Jolly Gay Giant's brother. But not as intimidating.
Age: 23
Occupation: Grad Student/Economist
Where We Met: Online. OK. I AM AN EFFING ONLINE WHORE-FACE.
What Happened:

Twas two days before Christmas
and alone in my house
all that was stirring
was the rather large mouse... in my pants.

I'm no good at rhyming. I am much more proficient in Haikus.

ANYWAY. I had met this kid online and he was in town for Christmas. He had nothing to do so I invited him over after I got off work to have a glass of wine and chill. AKA if you're pretty enough I will put my tongue in your mouth and take of my shirt.

Well due to a new employee it took me FOREVER TO GET HOME. And once I got there I had to clean and make the place look presentable. There is nothing worse than a sloppy homo. They come into your place and are all judgy-eyed and think things like "omgzz. this freak need some fa-breeze." I know. Because I've thought that. Myself. About myself.

SO I clean and I finally give him the green light to come over. By this point its 11:00pm and I'm wondering if I'm crossing the line into booty-call land. Which means I would have gotten my golden slut card. SO I am secretly hoping he isn't as cute as his picture so that I will have no desire to pull him down onto my bed. My bed is a no uglies zone.

So he arrives and dammit to hell, he's cute. Like super cute. And tall. Its moments like this I wish I had a chastity belt. I cannot control my groin. It needs to be caged. It is voracious. Imagine it. Yeeeeeeah.

So I pour him a glass of wine and we have funny banter about the term "wine key." And I've got the charm/wit turned up as high as it can go. He's laughing. I'm laughing. We discuss how he lives in germany (plus) in fluent in several languages (plus) is not out to his parents (minus) and how he just got out of a 3 year relationship (huge minus). The conversation quickly turns into a "i don't know how to date, am i going to end up alone?" pep talk. And I have been there so I know what it feels like. Hell, I am living that every day.

So I try to be encouraging and say. "Well... you are really handsome. I don't think you'll have any problem." And I pat his knee. He looks away and says "Thanks.... Awkward pause." HE LITERALLY SAID "AWKWARD PAUSE." I mean there are several options here

a. "aww you are handsome too"
b. "smile and kiss me."
c. ANYTHING OTHER THAN SAY "AWKWARD PAUSE."

I mean this was the kid who was texting me all day saying how excited he was about our "date." and now you can't even compliment a homo? BAD FORM! Then on top of all these he looks at the clock and says... "i should probably go soon." He should have just said "you are ugly and the thought of kissing you makes me want to be straight." So what could I say other than "well... leave when you need to."

Which he did. 15 minutes later. After feeding me some line about "lets get together again." I speak gay fluently, sir, i know you mean. "please do not text me and i'd appreciate it if you'd ignore me online." Ironically, he looked like the Jolly Gay Giant and treated me the same... except this time it wasn't the site of my penis that repulsed him... just my broke-ass face. I guess Santa didn't want to come... at all.

Gained Points for: Being smart and clever. And saving me from the guilt of being a slutty whore the next morning.

Lost Points for: Making me feel like an ugly stepsiter.

Mistakes I Made: Complimenting him? I dunno. I think I was pretty classy. I didn't even try to kiss him.

Chances for Another Date: I don't think I'll be hearing from him again.

Overall Grade: C