A Decent Man

Sometimes I date guys that are more interesting than me.

Names have been changed to protect the compelling.

Name of Date: Amish Gay
Date #: 1
Looks Like: Rosy Cheeks, Bonde Hair, 6'3" skinny-skinny.
Age: 22
Occupation: College Student
Where We Met: We started chatting online on the site "connexion." He later confessed that he thought the only reason I IM-ed him was because I wanted in his pants... he wasn't completely wrong.
What Happened: So I am helllllla bored one evening. Like to the point where even masturbating doesn't seem fun. We've all hit that point right fellas? (ladies?). So I'm online looking for something (one) I could go do (i jest.. kinda) when I see this kid, Amish Gay, online and he lives 20 min from me so I figure... why not? I'll im him. We chat for a while and he seems pretty nice. I begin heavily hinting that I am bored and have nothing (one) to do. Because he is quick witted and familiar with how this works, he invites me out to a bar.

So on the drive over I'm going through this whole crisis of "am I slutty? am I just going to meet this guy so I can get laid?" I don't know how many of you have been in this situation before but its like the shittiest/most sobering feeling ever. I take the drive to shake off all my horny/grossness and decide I will have a nice gentelmanly date with him. I will shake his hand when I leave and deal with the blue balls later. My pride propelled me forward.

When I get downtown its like an effing douche convention. I really feel like Jersey Shore is doing a out of town shoot. There are guidos everywhere. I want to run and hide from the hair product and fake tans. Then I realize there is a street fair/festival going on... with free beer and it all make sense. I have to park like 20 blocks away and when I finally make it to the bar, it is packed. I don't even want to venture inside for fear of sweaty assholes touching me. I might catch it. Thats how you become a guid0 right? Or do they have to bite you? Or is it from toilet seats? Someone wikipedia this immediately.

So I'm standing outside waiting for him and I see him running up from the opposite end of the street fair. He is cute, even though his clothes are bit ill-fitting. I kind of tilted my head and attirbuted it to the fact that he was so skinny. Slim homos have trouble finding stuff that makes them look cute. You either end up looking feminine or like a 12 year old circa 1995.

He introduces himself and he is so nice. We walk up and down the street fair looking at things and sampling beer. We get to know each other and I find out he goes to a conservatory and is majoring in violin performance. Which i find super effing sexy. Picture with me a naked dude sitting on a chair and serenading you on a violin while you're in bed and the rain falls. Are you in love yet? Cause you should be.

We run into some of his conservatory friends (gays) and they give me the up down and up again. I'm looking cute and cut so I don't even care. He politely introduces me and we move on. I am appreciative of the fact that he doesn't invite them to stroll with us. I don't want to have to impress his homo friends. I hate that game. You know how I do. I'd probably say something inappropriate or find one of them more attractive anyway. ugh. I am such a stereotype.

We stop by this cover band (and they are actually pretty decent) and they are playing "Don't Stop Believing" which has become a new gay anthem ever since glee. And while lea michele isn't belting her breats off, i still dance around like a fool. He seems amused. I am so charming.

After that rousing number we begin a really interesting conversation about how he grew up Amish and lived on a farm. I was captivated. The Amish have always intrigued me and I couldn't get enough of his life before his family left the faith. And while he said he misses it, he also mentioned how he couldn't live his life the way he wanted if he was still there. I made a joke about sleeping with men and he calmly said "I meant playing the violin. Instruments are a sin." Risque flirty joke fail. Ouch.

For whatever reason he seemed into me and I was considering undo-ing my no sex rule. He even invited me back to a party some of his friends were having on campus. YOU GUYS KNOW HOW I LOVE COLLEGE PARTIES, RIGHT? Kegs and Ladiezzzz. Uh.... I think college parties top the list of things I hate more than homophobes, jorts and keira knightley. oh man i hate her.

But this guy is cute and I'm loose enough to give a handy j... so... I go. Do you see a pattern in my life?

The party is worse that I could have ever imagined. Its a band geek party. And on top of that its a GAY band geek party. Ugh I'm stuck with 10 really lousy looking homos who's attempt at wit and banter fall as short as their high water jeans. As miserable as it is, I'm in judging heaven. And I take no prisinors with my assesment. Imagine paris hilton smacking her gum and texting while rolling her eyes. Now imagine me making a snide comment while my thumbs flick away. I also turn down all alcohol offers. Being the oldest person at a college party; its a requirement. Its giving a middle finger to their youthfullness while saying "I am an adult and above all of you."

Luckily Amish Gay is loving this. I think younger guys like to date older guys for this reason. We can make their younger and more unfortunate counterparts feel inferior. Also I am good at making anyone feel inferior.

He picks up on the fact that I want to leave so he makes an excuse so we can part. His friends scowl and glare as we leave jealous that I won't be waking up next to them in the morning. At least I assume.

We get back to his house and I'll "ok where is your bed?" and he's all "lets sit on the couch" and I'm all "no seriously, i wanna make out" and he's all "for reals. lets chat." Which is what we end up doing. And while I'm disappointed for like 10 seconds... he turns out to be this really insightful and interesting person. We spend a couple hours talking about everything from our personal life philosophies to past relationships to our families and religion. I find him terribly fascinating to the point where I'm almost dissapointed when we actually do begin making out. Until I realize his is a phenomenal kisser. And I stop caring about talking and i'm all "feelings are boring. kissing is awesome."

We venture into his bedroom finally and I'm ready to get it on. bow-chick-bow-wow. But he is far classier than I and stops the lustful grabbing and sloppy kisses once I get his shirt off. Now here is where it gets kinda weird.
He invites me to spend the night. I think he is joking after stopping the great sex that was surely about to happens. But he is for real-real. I tell him, "if I stay, i'm going to push the boundaries." and he said "thats part of the fun." and I giggle thinking he just wants me to work for it and I'm funna play that game. hard. but then he follows up with "but i've set the limit and you're not getting further than that."

I then decide its best to leave instead of spend a frustrated night with a boner. But I tell him we should get together real soon. He's cute, smart talented and classy. A girl could do worse.

Gained Points for: Maintaining a phenomenal conversation.

Lost Points for: Being a little bit too much of a cock tease.

Mistakes I Made: Flip-Flopping on the degree of slutty I wanted to indulge.

Chances for Another Date: really really really really good.

Overall Grade: A