Porn-u-copia!

Sometimes guys are really tricky.

Names have been changed to protect the devious.

Name of Date: Baby Face
Date #: 3
Title of Last Date: If At First You Don't Succeed...
Amount of Time Between Last Date: 2 weeks.
What Happened: Ok so our second date was relatively boring and not much happened. He took me to a movie. It was about as non-descript as you could get so I'm skipping right ahead to date tres.

I happened to be in NYC one afternoon so he said he would pick me up, we'd grab dinner and then I could crash at his place before I headed back home the next morning. I thought this sounded like a lovely idea. We also plainly addressed the fact that this was the third date and he was expecting sex. However he didn't do it in the "am i going to get laid?" way he was simply like "so this is the third date, will we be having sex?" i am such a sucker for direct questions that I said "yes" a bit too hastily and probably came of sounding like a desperate hooker.

While I was waiting for him to come meet me (I had just had some starbucks with a college friend) I went over in my head whether or not I'd actually go through with it. I mean this was a decent guy. We talked on the phone every night. Been dating for about a month. Whats wrong with it? My conservative upbringing wouldn't let go though. So I decided to leave it up to fate. If he had good hair and wasn't wearing ugly tennis shoes... I'd do it. You think I'm kidding, but I am serious. He had great hair on our first date, and the second it was weird and non-sexy. I figured that would be the best way to discern if I'd even be able to get a boner that night.

When he rounded the corner I saw a fantastic head of hair and gave myself a mental high five. Unfortch, I looked at his shoes. 1992 Foot Locker ad. Ugh. What is a girl to do? How am I supposed to know if I want to sleep with someone if they don't present a coherent package?

Anyway we got on the subway to brooklyn and had dinner at a cute little bistro around the corner from where he lived. He held my hand and was all romantic and midway through dinner Slim Fast called (see his dates) and I had to pretend I wasn't with someone. Its always awkward when dates interfere with one another. Unless its intended. And in a bedroom. Bada bing!

After dinner we go back to his place and he picks up the mail. I notice a manilla envelope without a return address on it and I think "oh wouldn't be hilarious if that was his porn magazine?" 10 seconds later he exclaims "awesome! I was waiting for this. its the next issue of 'freshmen'." Now... for you non-gays... 'freshmen' is a gay porn magazine featuring young guys. very twink. very abercrombie and fitch with full boners. very no body hair. I was a little disturbed that he was so open about admitting what it was.... until I got to his apartment.

It was almost like walking into an adult book store. He had oodles and oodles and oodles of porn. Literally shelves filled with magazines and dvds. And he had NO PROBLEM pointing them out to me on the tour of his place. Ok it is one thing to have porn. It is another to have hoards of porn. IT IS ANOTHER TO DISPLAY IT AND BE PROUD OF IT. Now I'm not a prude. I've seen porn and it has come in "handy" many times... but I think i maybe have one movie on my hard drive and that's it. I cannot imagine how this guy does anything but masturbate. Also WHY KEEP THIS MUCH? is it sentimental. did this particular blow-job touch your heart? I was legit confused.

So I know I should have addressed this and been all "hey creeper. holy crap this is too much porn." but i was polite and didn't say anything. i just kept averting my eyes everytime a rogue erection came into view. Also this should have been the sign from God NOT to jump into bed with him... but there were penises everywhere. I then realized this is allllll intentional. Its all part of the arousal process so that I'm all horny so that its impossible to say no. well played, baby face, well played.

Make outs occur. Obvi. Clothes come off. Obvi: The Sequel. And.... he is wearing a jock strap. LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, WE HAVE HOT SEXY UNDERWEAR. I am such a sucker for that. Its a HUGE turn on for me. From that moment I was done. There was no stopping. I boarded the train for whore-ville. Fare: my dignity. We ended up going at it twice that night and let me give credit where credit it due.... to this day... it is still... some of the best sexin' i have ever had. I will not lie. Maybe all that porn taught him a thing or two.

The next morning I am feeling pretty good. I have slept with him and we have great sexual chemistry. He's a really good guy and I like him. Things aren't actually that bad. Until he rolls over and says. "So I don't think this is gonna work out. I live here. You live there. Its just too much." The fucking prick tricked me again! SHAMYLAN-ED! (anybody watch "sunny in philly?" anyone?) He just wanted to screw me before ending it. I left that morning so pissed. I felt used and terrible.

Gained Points for: One of the best orgasms of my life. Damn, brother.

Lost Points for: TOSSING ME ASIDE WHEN YOU WERE DONE!

Mistakes I Made: Believing it would last beyond those 4 hours of fun.

Chances for Another Date: Zero. I may no longer have any dignity... but I'll refuse to be a repeat offender.

Overall Grade: D+