Names have been changed to protect the textbook geeky.
Name of Date: Transition
Date #:4
Title of Last Date: Annnnnd.... I'm Back!
Amount of Time Between Dates: A month roughly
What Happened: I'm leaving out our two in between dates because nothing really happened. I mean they were your basic dinner, conversation, goodnight kiss dates. Nothing past first base. Nothing you perverts or schadenfreude enthusiasts would care to read about.
Things have been going well with Transition, although I'm unsure as to whether or not I feel a certain spark with him. He's kind, attentive, adores me, etc. I just... to be honest... don't feel like ripping his clothes off. That's a big part of finding a mate right? I mean judge all you want or think me insanely shallow but if the sexual chemistry is off, then there is no passion. What more is he then a great friend who you cuddle with then wait 'til he leaves so you can jerk it to good porn? amiright?
BUT I was trying this new thing where I didn't write him off. I thought with time and prolonged exposure maybe he'd give me some boners? Who knows? He might be one of those learn to find attractive types.
So one weekend I'm out visiting him at his place and he tells me that Sunday is the day for him to go hang out with his closest friends and.... get ready... are you ready?... seriously are you sitting down?.... this is not a joke.... like for real-real.... sigh.... play dungeons and dragons.
I'll give you a moment.
Now my initial reaction is one of acceptance. It is not anything I know about. It is not a culture with which I am familiar. Perhaps these cloaked horned social outcasts are nice people. Perhaps they provide muffins. PERHAPS the game is actually interesting and devastatingly sad-sounding. I was all about giving it a chance. So I told him there was no need for him to cancel, that I'd be happy to tag along and see what this was all about.
I just dug my own grave. Well not mine. His. Well not his. Our relationship's.
When we arrive, it is literally everything you think out of "I Had No Friends in High School Weekly." The apartment is a sty. There is crap everywhere. Action figures and strategy books line the walls. I suddenly realize I am not in the house of a person who enjoys a game occasionally. I am in the den of an obsessive dungeon master who probably has we dreams about 12-sided dice. Or gnomes. Or whatever the fuck is in this game.
What is worse. These people. This "man" and this "woman" are married. Society has deemed them fit enough to legally wed, yet denies gay people the same sad existence. AND WHAT IS WORSE; They have a baby. I don't even remember her name but it was probably princess dark crystal marie or something equally terrifying. Part of me wants to steal this baby and take her to a land where she'll learn appropriate social behavior and develop at a normal pace. But I'm not ready to be a single father. Poor thing will just have to wear her duct tape dress to the prom to mask her feelings of shame.
ALSO I am in judging heaven. So I'm torn between wanting to flee and taking copious notes.
The game begins. I didn't think things could be so simultaneously outrageous and boring. I have never witnessed this game before but literally its army men on a piece of graph paper. I imagined an elaborate board game set up. Thirteen Dead End Drive anyone? But no. Nothing so opulent. The game consists of one person who made up some outrageous story and then a bunch of dice rolling. THAT IS IT. The pieces don't even really move that much. My Sunday afternoon is sitting around a table with a bunch of slobs stuffing their faces with doritos and mountain dew while a baby cries in the background and my soul aches to watch TLC because at least the Duggars are cray-cray in a captivating way.
I look over at Transition and he is so into it. He's into it like nothing else. He doesn't even put this much effort into trying to get into my pants. The only way I could be into this game is if I knew the prize involved something with washboard abs.
HOURS LATER. They pause. The game has progressed marginally due to insufficient armor or clogged arteries. I cannot remember which. My eyes have rolled past the point of normal rolling and must be held into place. Transition breaks his focus and notices I am miserable. The sun has set and he takes me home. We make a hurried exit and I have never felt more grateful to leave a place.
This game ruins lives.
I tried to be accepting but it was seriously the most atrocious day of my life. Anyone involved in that is getting the ax.
Gained Points For: Noticing my pain and rescuing me.
Lost Points For: Actually caring about D&D
Mistakes I Made: Stepping foot inside that house. Thank goodness I had the sense enough to not ask them to teach me how to play
Chances for Another Date: I ended things with him shortly after
Overall Grade: F
This blog was by no means meant to be offensive to D&D players. I am sure you all are lovely people. I just... don't. get. it.
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