Names have been changed to protect the insanely patient.
Name of Date: The Beard
Date #: 1
Looks Like: Your typical 5'5" twink. Except he had a full beard, so he was what we gayz call an "otter." I am not even kidding. There is a term for that.
Age: 18
Occupation: Student
Where We Met: Adam4Adam. I will give you a minute to decide whether that is trashier than Craigslist. It's really your call.
What Happened: SO! I am very anxious one night to go out and do something. I call up my friend Nick to see if he wants to chill. I don't get a response so I throw my phone on the coffee table and act like my boredom is his fault. Because clearly everyone should be on call to entertain me at a moment's notice.
I log onto A4A to kill some time and see this profile of this pretty cute dude so we begin chatting. He tells me he is a student at a local college studying... oh who the hell cares he's cute. He's adorbs and can maintain a conversation. Apparently my search for prince charming has really awesome standards. "breathing? check. hot? check. ok you pass, onto round two." I'm such a grown-up.
I suggest we meet up and he likes that idea. The plan is to go to this karaoke place and just kind of make fools of ourselves. As I am walking out the door Nick calls and I tell him I just made plans to go to this karaoke bar. He chimes in "sounds like fun! i'll be there in 15." Uhhhh... that was not an invite. That was me politely telling you that you are too late. You just invited yourself along on my first date with The Beard.
Which
If I may
In his profile pics on the site, he did not have a beard. I was unaware of it's presence until he strolled up to me at the lounge. I didn't recognize him for a second. This wasn't a forgot to shave for a week beard, this was a grizzly, intense, full-out beard. Shouldn't you mention that to someone? Isn't there some kind of etiquette about saying "oh hey dude, btws i've got this insane facial hair thing going on now." I just feel its common courtesy. Although there are plenty of old creepers running around with pictures of them 20 years ago that don't say anything either. This was a forgivable offense.
Anyway on my way to the place, I am trying to figure out how to make it clear to Nick that he is unwelcome without being explicit about it and how to show The Beard that this was not at all what I had in mind.
When I get there (and get over the initial shock of seeing his face) I can tell he is a little put off by having someone else there. To the point where he doesn't want to sing. Fuck. This was the whole point, to be silly and have a good time. Nick is ridiculous and oblivious and pulls me up to sing every single duet in the book. I'm sorry but "Islands in the Stream" does not allow me to belt or riff. Why the hell is it even an option? That's why I like karaoke: It is my own private American Idol. I will conduct with my hand and writhe around the stage like [insert pop diva here] until my heart is content. Pretty much anything by Celine or Whitney is an excellent choice.
I am trying to make eye contact with The Beard the whole time. My eyes are pleading "please forgive me and this moron next to me I would much rather be talking to you or taking your clothes off but still respecting you maybe we leave your clothes on for now if you're not ok or if you are i am down for that but i'm not a slut you look really cute." Its a really difficult look but I've perfected it and I think he got the message because the look back I got was "oh hey yeah that guy is a moron i think i would like to see you naked too maybe wrap this up already?"
Which I do. I pay and say "time to call it a night."
Out in the parking lot we are saying our goodbyes and The Beard says ALL TOO LOUDLY
"hey lets go grab some food"
this statement is meant for me, but effing Nick heard it and said "Thats a great idea!!!" Seriously? Can you not be here? I want to begin my woo-ing of this guy but you are all up ins the way. LEAVE!
The drive to applebee's (where we decided to eat) was excruciating. The Beard and I are texting back and forth about the best way to ditch Lord Third Wheel of Annoying-ton. We can't come up with anything better than being honest and I don't want to hurt his feelings. I mean it was my first phone call that initiated this evening. If I had only logged onto that desperate guy site first, we'd all be ok.
At applebee's all I want to do is scream. Nick starts in on this philosophical debate about some bull shit which I can see is pissing off The Beard. He really has no clue what he's talking about or what he is saying and its probably the worst thing ever in the world times five thousand. And this is the statement I use to diffuse that sitch. "So isn't Glee awesome?" Legit. That is Legit what I said. Non-sequitur. And it saved the evening. I harnessed the power of the Glee and it made life better for everyone. Awkward topic left behind just like all us heathens and Fox News pundits after the rapture.
I wanted to slyly ask The Beard back to my place but there was absolutely no time to do it. The 3 of us left and while I wanted to strangle Nick, it made for a very interesting and memorable first date.
Gained Points for: Sticking with it. He was a champ
Lost points for: Not being more subtle with the food invite, which upon reflection probably wasn't about food anyway. Oh and the beard. I really wasn't the biggest fan.
Mistakes I Made: Not being clearer with Nick
Chances for Another Date: Pretty good. I think sans the tag-along we'd be good.
Overall Grade: C+
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