Language Barrier

Names have been changed to protect the international

Name of Date: Hans
Date #: 1
Age: 24
Looks Like: Heidi Klum's slightly retarded younger brother
Occupation: Nanny
Where We Met: ugh. myspace. fine.
What Happened: so this guy had sent me a couple of messages on facebook and seemed decent. so i rely on my old stand by and say we should meet up for coffee. meeting up for coffee is the best first date ever. its so non-committal and can happen at any time during the day. it lasts maybe an hour and if you're bored you leave, and if you want to find out what kissing this dude is like you pull out the "wanna catch a movie?" line. coffee. is. perfect. quick escape or fast past to makeouts. its simple.

when i arrive he his there. in all his aryan glory. blonde hair, blue eyes, six feet tall. he sounds sexy, but let me assure you. HE IS NOT. ugly nose. eyes are too close together. thin face. this was another case of the profile picture not matching the real life person. i don't know how these bitches do it. if they hire professional photographers or if there is some unfortunate person's manaul on how to light yourself for the most flattering picture, but this model imposter shit has to stop.

i guess there is something else i should mention about my dear friend hans; he is german. and not just in ethnicity... in citizenship. he has just moved to the states to be a nanny to some rich couple. i think this is pretty cool and wonder if all rich couples would rather have international homosexuals watch their kids. i make a mental note to look this up later and picture myself in Venice making small talk with a gondala conducter as the Italian children I watch begin to drown when I push them out of the boat. P.S. the death of the children is totes justified because this man is my soulmate and also a laywer. he only freelances as a gondaleer.

ANYWAY.

we begin to talk and come to find his english... leaves a lot to be desired. we struggle to make conversation. my recollection of the conversation is foggy because I think he only understood 40% of the words I used. and vice versa. He might have mentioned owning a motorcycle. But maybe thats me imposing a European stereotype. I'm sure we also talked about how bratty the kids were.

Then he breaks rule number one of dating. DO NOT TALK ABOUT OTHER GUYS. He shifts into stories about various other guys he has dated since being in the US and how they are all assholes. This is a complete turn off and honestly, I don't care. At one point he looks at me and says, with puppy dog eyes, "why do american boys say they will call, but then they do not?" and I immediately knew I was going to be the next guy on that list.

We walked to our cars and I contributed to a terrible impression of American gay men.

Gained points for: Trying

Lost points for: Not knowing English. For reals.

Mistakes I Made: Accepting early on that I was gonna be an asshole.

Chances for another date: No. just no.

Overall Grade: C