A For Effort

Sometimes even the best laid plans fail.

Names have been changed to protect the didn't really have a chance.

Name of Date: Cheerleader
Date #: 1
Looks Like: A professional wrestler from the early 90's
Age: 25
Occupation: Unemployed/Substitute Teacher
Where We Met: gaychristian.net, its not a dating site... but these things happen.
What Happened: Ok I met Cheerleader (so named because in college he was on the cheerleading squad. i don't even judge him for this, i think its kind of awesome and wish my lonley little liberal arts college had a squad that I could have joined. I think i'd kick ass at some basket tosses) online and we lived about 3 hours from each other. We spent a couple months chatting back and forth about our lives. aka complaining about the various boys we were dating/wanted to date. This is the foundation for all gay friendships. It is written. In our handbook. In the chapter called "Gay Friends - or - a drunken night away from a hookup."

Eventually he decided we needed to meet. I wasn't really attracted to him so I wanted to get out of having to drive any long distance to just turn the guy down. However the suggested meeting place was a pretty cool city and he'd found a great gay club there. He said he'd pay for a hotel room so we could get drunk, party, and then have somewhere to crash. I agreed... on the condition that there be separate beds. Homo ain't no ho... sometimes.

A brief digression... I must note that the ride down to see him was the first time I ever listened to next to normal and thus... an obsession began. Digression OVER!

So i get to the hotel he's chosen and its seedy as fuck. I like comparing things to fuck. Something is blank as fuck. Fuck is the pan-ultimate in any adjective contest. who the hell knows why? we all just accept it. think about it.

I open the door and secretly I'm hoping he'll turn out to be like... adam brody hot. alas he is not. its one of those rare cases where a person looks EXACTLY LIKE THEIR ONLINE PHOTO. that doesn't happen too often. He's a bit overweight and has a ponytail. I know. If you are eating I'm sorry. I'll give you a minute...

Sooooo we're at seedy as fuck hotel and he tells me he's found a "gay restaraunt" where we can go to dinner. I love these places that flaunt themselves as "gay" establishments. They usually have a rainbow poster up and blast madonna while HIV+ 60 year olds troll for unsuspecting twinks. Thats mean... but true. I reluctantly agree to go since he is so eager.

We get there around six and the place is dead. I order a beer. I'ma need it. The table is wobbly, the food is mediocre, and they don't even have hot waiters. Can a brother get some eye candy? Apparently not.

We finish rather early and then head back to the hotel because 7pm is wayyyyyyyy too early to show up to the club. I now realize I have at least 3 hours ahead of me of nothing but one on one time with him. Ugh. We get back to SAF Hotel and he pulls out a cooler. He has prepared shots. And brought them along. My brain cannot decide if this is precious or pathetic. It is a little of both I feel. But bottoms up, cause I don't want to be sober. He gets points for pre-planning for pre-gaming.

The excruciating minutes tick by and I'm buzzed. It is now time to go to the club. We drive there and it is one swank-ass club. I also like switching the hyphens when you have the adjective-ass noun formation. In this case it would be swank ass-club, which, under the circumstances would have been just as interesting. ANYWAY. Its a great club. I immediately spot a pole and know that at some point I will be swinging up on that bitch. and yes i did.

He buys me drinks. I request ones with lots of liquor. Clearly. He doesn't want to dance. I do it by myself while he watches. Weirdly.

There is a drag performace. Some fierce man-lady tranny dancing to "feedback." I applaud.

So I'm drunk and dancing and this 30 year old latino guy comes up to me. He tells me I'm the hottest guy there and that he's "from miami... so he knows what he wants." whatever the hell that means. He's hot. Cheerleader isn't dancing with me... so i throw my head back and grind with him. He tries to put his hand down my pants. I don't let him because I'm a classy lady. Then he buys me a beer and I let him... well don't let him so much as I'm too drunk to stop him. Cheerleader comes to my rescue and we leave.

We get back to the hotel and I'm schwasted and horny. I figure... "what the hell?" and crawl into bed with the guy. We begin to make out. He says "I've wanted this to happen all night long."

Um... way to ruin it. I don't like you, I just wanted some action. You had to go make me feel guilty because you actually like me. I don't wanna feel like a jerk! Excuse me while I stumble back to my bed and leave the next morning before you wake up.

Gained Points for: planning, I guess. never underestimate not having to make your date think too hard. oh and paying for shit.

Lost Points for: Ponytails

Mistakes I Made: Not staying sober. It would have just made everything easier. Also I should have just got my own hotel room.

Chances for Another Date: When he gets it tight and keeps it right, he can call me.

Overall Grade: C-