Speed Dating Extravanganza

SPECIAL EDITION OF TIMMY'S BLOG!!!! (the format will change slightly)

Sometimes I go on multiple dates in one evening

Names have been changed to protect the numerous

What: Speed Dating
Where: A Club
Who: two dozen supposedly single day men
Why: my friend Sean had organized this event for the local LGBTQ community, and invited me along, so I agreed. My other friend Louie who also works there drove us as we had planned our outfits carefully b/c even if we're only meeting creepy old guys, we still need to look hot. What follows is an account of each of the 10-ish minute dates I went on, and the hilarity that ensued.

Date 1
Name: Grandpa
Looks Like: Beardy and Baldy and a Bear
Age: upwards of 50
Stats:
has 3 children (two of which are older than me)
and an indeterminable amount of grandchildren
teaches 3rd grade
came out after his wife cheated on him
Good Things: he was incredibly nice. and gave me hope for my gay future. although the decade of marriage to a woman might not be the route i take. no thanks.
Bad Things: obviously not anywhere near my age, no thank you.


Date 2
Name: Ugly Dye Job
Looks Like: a mixed race dancer with bleached hair... ew
Age: 20
Stats:
makes more money than me
likes to brag about that fact
had an upcoming birthday party that i just HAVE TO COME TO!
apparently thinks blonde hair looks cute on him. unnecessary.
Good Things: He was nice... and thats about the only positive adjective he can claim
Bad Things: Too young, and kept checking out the other guys there. Wandering eye is a no-no.


Date 3
Name: Dr. Douche
Looks Like: nondescript. which is just sad when you think about it.
Age: 30-ish
Stats:
is a doctor is a hospital
does not find it funny when asked if he is serious about that
has a very particular type
makes 5 minute dates excruciatingly awkward
Good Things: thank god he has that job, that'll land some sad gay.
Bad Things: ok, i can deal with the fact that you aren't into me. this is speed dating, not everyone is going to be your ideal type. but for reals, at least try for 5 minutes and don't shut me out. asshole.


Date 4
Name: The Hottest Guy There
Looks Like: See above... ok, ok, blonde hair, ideal height, great eyes and smile.
Age: 26
Stats:
Has a steady job
Likes to chat
Was nervous about talking to me, which means he thinks I'm cute too.
Didn't want to switch when the 5 minutes was up.
Got my number before 3 minutes had passed.
Good Things: great to talk to, super cute, pretty much awesome at everything. i'm definitely seeing this guy again.
Bad Things: Not grabbing my hand and leading me out of there immediately.


Date 5
Name: Whaaaaa?!
Looks Like: A kid who lived on my hall freshmen year... BECAUSE HE IS!
Age: 25
Stats:
professor
the first black person with whom i've ever gone on a date
blew my mind that he's gay
why weren't we better friends?
Good Things: catching up and hearing each other's stories.
Bad Things: The awkward.. oh... i know you... oh wait. whaaaa?!


Date 6
Name: Homeless Vampire
Looks like: a goth punk kid... 15 years later
Age: late 30s
Stats:
has six children... SIX!
is homeless and lives in his car
worked at mcdonalds
is a self-proclaimed vampire... A SELF-PROCLAIMED VAMPIRE!!!!
his eyes turn from dark brown to "really dark brown" on halloween
has a tattoo of a tear coming out of his eye for his dead husband
Good Things: um... he lives/d a hard life... way for him to be here.
Bad Things: i want to make fun of him, but i don't want him to come and suck my blood. also where are your kids right now? in your home-car? thats awful. i know. slap me.


Date 7
Name: Big Guy
Looks like: a former NFL player. stocky and tall.
Age: 36
Stats:
likes disney world
always knew he was gay
those are the only two things he wants to talk about
Good Things: super sweet and nice, made me laugh.
Bad Things: not my ideal type and a titch too old, but if he'd asked for my number i'd have given it to him on the condition he come up with better conversation material on a real date. alas, he did not. oh well!


Date 8
Name: Possible Learning Disorder
Looks Like: A giant drooling teddy bear
Age: 22
Stats:
likes lollipops
speaks in what can only be described as a consistent falsetto
once drove 3 hours to go on a date and the guy ditched him
is very clingly
doesn't meet people very often
Good Things: He was the last date, so I kept looking over to The Hottest Guy There to make eye contact and say... "when the bell rings, you come right over here"... he did
Bad Things: oh honey... you just need a friend. i am not him.

Overall Evening Score: B+, helped by the fact that THGT gave me a hug and we made plans to see each other again.

speed dating, totes hilarious, totes worth it.