Dude, Where's My Escape Car?

Sometimes I should put my foot down

Names have been changed to protect well-intentioned.

Name of Date: Kurosawa

Date #: 2

Title of Last Date: Mixed Media

Amount of Time Between Dates: 1 week

What Happened: After a surprisingly good date with a guy with a weak chin (which is like #3 on my list of things I find the least attractive) I was pretty eager to go out with Kurosawa again. I mean his place with essentially a hipster's frat house. But I could look past the pretentious movie posters and skinny jeans strewn about into his soul. His caring and affectionate soul. Oh I had to look past that weak chin too. That took more effort.

Well he called me up and said that movie we were meant to go see was playing in a city 90 minutes away on 3-D IMAX and he and his friends were going. He asked if I wanted to join. Oh and also they'd be spending the night there.

Let me just go ahead and disect everything wrong with that invitation:

a. if i'm driving 90 minutes anywhere its going to be for an H&M or a Lady Gaga Concert or Alice Ripley on tour with N2N. It is not going to be for a movie I would watch with regular-D right down the street. I would also drive that far for anything involving Tyra Banks.

b. 3-D Imax does not impress me. Sometimes the biggest things are pretty to marvel at but then after the first 30 seconds it's just uncomfortable. BADA-BING!

c. your friends? really?! date #2 and you expect me to not only meet your "friends" but spend and elongated period of time with them. there is no chance for escape. no text message rescue from my bff. just stuck in a distant city with people who probably don't want me there in the first place. i mean think of it from their perspective: they has massive film school boners over this movie and i'm there giving their buddy a real one which distracts him from their high fives and dork talk. i can pretty much guarantee my presence was not welcome.

d. do you really want our first night spent together to be on some rando's futon with 6 other people in the room? i mean it's not even a dolphin-borne beej futon for goodness sake! (love you, lauren ;)) not only can we not make out, but we have to actively act like we don't want to so we don't awkward-ize this sitch in front of your (i'm guessing) sex-life-less friends.

DECONSTRUCTION DONE!

He actually has to convince me pretty hard that it's a good idea for me to attend. I sigh and hem and haw and try to tell him I don't want to be there, but homo loves attention and the promise of being "owed one" got me to say yes.

When I get to his place we are immediately off to pick up his "friends." I am introduced to them and for the life of me I cannot remember a single one of their faces, let alone their names. They were two different hetero couples and a lone single straight dude. This made me feel worse. Kurosawa could have at least been this guy's friend so he didn't have to feel like the loser he was. But instead brings me to add to the number of couples and alone-ness he must feel. He probably cried himself to sleep that night.

The trip there was agonizing. Even though we took two cars, 7th wheel had to come in the car with Kurosawa and I and another couple. I don't remember why. I was crammed in the backseat being largely ignored while they discussed film stuff and how awesome this movie was going to be. The only way this movie could have lived up to it's hype and this trip for me is if it was just a parade of 3-D penises interspersed with performances from Glee. THE ONLY WAY!

It was not. In fact I kind of hated it. In fact I did hate it. In fact Kurosawa could tell.

This was not turning out to be the awesome road-trip with his new man that he had planned. I tried to warn him of this but delusions of grandeur or the promise of a handj later on kept him optomistic.

After the movie one of his gaggle of geeks decided drinks were a good idea. YES! YES THANK YOU TAKE ME THERE NOW PLEASE. We go to some local bar and by divine intervention the drink special that night was $4 Long Island Iced Teas. It was God saying "oh this has been rough, just get sloppy and embarrass yourself, k?"

I have three. At this point I love everyone. I love his friends. I love him. I am not caring about anything. I distinctly remember talking to one of the females and saying "We haven't had sex yet, but I'm worried he has a tiny penis." WHO DOES THAT?!? This drunk classy guy does. I always keep it real. I always keep it totes inappropes. Oh and she confirmed he didn't. They had gone skinny dipping and she assured me I'd be pleased. I liked her. She knew what mattered.

When we make it back to this kid's place to sleep Kurosawa immediately claims the pull-out sofa for us. I felt like a queen. It was so romantic and chivalrous that drunk me wanted to take my clothes off right there. I was seriously considering some discreet way we could do it when he said "oh hey. we're gonna go get high, do you mind?"

Now readers. At this point in my life marijuana terrified me. It was illegal and unknown and the devil. and the devil's babies. I was horrified he smoked pot. It sobered me up quickly and I told him he could do what he wanted all the while knowing his hopes of getting any were slowly fading away. I was such a prude! Oh also at this point in my life I'd also only ever hooked up with 2 other guys so sex was a big deal too. YES THERE WAS A TIME IN MY LIFE I WAS NOT SLUTTY McHO-FACE.

He smoked. I was appalled and was in bed by the time he came inside. He crawled in next to me and tried to be the big spoon. I let him, but didn't offer any affection back. Notice how passive-aggressive I am. I am obviously handling this the was proper white gay boys are supposed to; by saying one thing and acting another. Thank you, Emily Gilmore, for the WASP lessons. Much love.

We fell asleep. No sex. He knew not to even rub his boner up against me.

The next morning I had the worst hangover ever. All I wanted to do was get home and shower. Buuuuuut his friends had other ideas. They wanted to go out to breakfast. Ugh this moment is what I hated the most, when the downright annoyance and uncomfortableness of one person in the party is overshadowed by a group mentality to go do something. Where was my escape route? Kurosawa was no help. Hollandaise sauce was calling his name. We waited forever. The service was terrible. My headache pounded. I wanted to go home.

When we FINALLY got on the road (around noon) I was so pissy that I literally crossed my arms and pouted in the backseat. Then I fell asleep. I am five.

When I woke up my head was in Kurosawa's lap and he was stroking my hair. He said "hey sleepy head, you'll be home in a few minutes." I smiled thankful this whole ordeal was over.

Gained Points For: wanting to show me off? under different circumstances I like being a trophy date.

Lost Points For: i think the thing that annoyed me the most was breakfast the next morning. I was more pissed about that than anything else.

Mistakes I Made: judging him for pot smoking. i'm not as uptight anymore.

Chances for Another Date: In our city and alone, most def. Plus I was told he was hung... so.... I'mma need confirmation

Overall Grade: D. LITeas saved it from failing.

"Date"

Sometimes the line gets blurry.

Names have been changed to protect the tempting.

Name of Date: Trouble
Date #: 1
Looks Like: A super cute pocket gay that you just can't help but blush around
Age: 20
Occupation: Intern
Where We Met: At work. He was a co-worker. Cue necktie porn festish music.
What Happened: So... a mutual co-worker was having a birthday bash at a pretty swanky bar. I planned on dressing in my sexiest clothes and getting Ke$ha level trashy. Ugh I hate her so much. Go. Away.

I had seen Trouble around a few times and kept quiet because thats what you do when you work with someone who's adorable level is off the charts. Flirting at the workplace is like some huge no-no or something. I didn't want to be in the middle of some sezzual harrasment proceedings simply cause I told some guy I wanna lick his face. That is like, the sweetest compliment ever, be tee dubs, soooo he should be flattered. Also maybe don't have such a lickable face. He was asking for it.

Also he had a boyfriend. OFF-LIMITS.

Also I had was seeing someone at the time. EVEN MORE OFF-LIMITS-ER.

So because of those reasons we kept out interaction professional. Because I am classy. Right? Anyone? ANYONE?

Anyway we are at the party and I order a Long Island Iced Tea.... (oh .... see.... I get why no one answered the questions above. Yep. Makes sense now. ) and proceed to get trashed. I do everything drunk me does:

a. lunge
b. wobble
c. talk loudly
d. get extremely close to people
e. lunge more
f. sing
g. be too tired to keep my eyes open
h. flirt with the cutest thing nearest me... which happened to be Trouble.

It began innocently enough with mutual confessions of how cute the other person was. Thats how everything starts isn't it? And it always feels like some massive dam is breaking and allowing honesty to pour through. As if telling someone they are pretty is the hardest thing ever. Um we all like to be told we are pretty. No one is going to be offended by that. Especially gays. Compliments on our appearance is like Justin Beiber to 12 year old girls; it's what gives us the will to live.

Then it progresses to leg pats that begin at the knee and work their way up the thigh. The lingering hugs with wandering fingers along the back. Basically if neither of us were attached this would be the first recipie in the drunken hook-up cook book. Three easy ingredients! Two horny homos and alchohol. Mix together for 20 minutes and serve with lube.

Unfortunately (Fortunately?) we were both involved. and we knew it. which made the flirting sooooo much more intense. Its total psychology 101. Tell me I cannot have something and it is the only thing I want time a million. I suddenly cannot get this guy out of my head and its bad news bears. I need to get away from him. Yet drunk me does the opposite of good decision making. Drunk me gets into the back seat of a car with him and puts my head in his lap. Drunk me pulls him into my apartment and into my bed. Drunk me starts spooning with him. Drunk me needs to not be drunk anymore or he's going to make a terrible mistake.

LUCKILY my friend saw all this happening and pulled Trouble out of bed with me. I am so drunk/tired I don't even fight it. Once I realize what is happening I am all to eager to have him gone. I feel weird and cheap and pray a million thanks that nothing happened. We should all be so lucky to have a friend who steps in when our brain is failing. I have several of these and this is not the first time I've been drunkenly pulled out of a bad sitch. Thank you, to all of you for being my designated life choice makers.

The next day at work it was super awkward. Um obvi? I tried to avoid him all day long. I didn't want to have to explain myself or apologize. I don't do well when I have to admit I'm flawed, especially when its not in jest. Like on here I can call myself a trashy ho a hundred times and its hilarious, but if I had to seriously admit it to you, I would cry. I would cry slutty tears of std's. See?

Trouble, however, has different plans. He corners me and thanks me for last night. Uh? You're welcome? I guess. I mean if you want to cheat on your boyfriend thats your choice. I don't judge you. (Yes I do). But he means he had fun hanging out with me and that we should hang out sober when there is no danger of anything happening. I want to point out to him that there will always be danger at this point. We nearly crossed a line and being drunk wasn't the only reason. Mutual attraction doesn't disappear. I want to tell him its best if we stay acquaintances. But he thinks I'm cute. So I agree to go to the beach with him after work. DAMMIT.

This is when our "date" begins. We walk along the beach and talk about our lives and respective significant others. He actually is a really decent guy and nice to be around, but I am already feeling guilty. I know I shouldn't be out here with him. I finally blurt it all out about how confusing/difficult this is and he agrees. But neither of us are brave enough to just walk away. We sit on the lifeguard stand and stare out at the water clueless. Not touching. Just hoping the other will have a solution that saves us from humilation and hurting the guys we are with.

Wow it just got real for a hot minute.

Trouble and I head home without any solution and I immediately call my guy and am comforted by his voice. I know I could never cheat on him and that Trouble was just a test which I passed, but barely.

Gained Points for: Wanting to talk it through. I am not the best at being honest.

Lost Points for: Thinking there was a solution or compromise? Um we CANNOT do each other. There is no compromise there.

Mistakes I Made: Basically everything. If I'm getting drunk I need to be the only gay person around or be forced to wear an electric collar.

Chances for another date: If I suddenly got dumped and needed a re-bound... yes.

Overall Grade: Incomplete. Failure to be a real date.

A For Effort

Sometimes even the best laid plans fail.

Names have been changed to protect the didn't really have a chance.

Name of Date: Cheerleader
Date #: 1
Looks Like: A professional wrestler from the early 90's
Age: 25
Occupation: Unemployed/Substitute Teacher
Where We Met: gaychristian.net, its not a dating site... but these things happen.
What Happened: Ok I met Cheerleader (so named because in college he was on the cheerleading squad. i don't even judge him for this, i think its kind of awesome and wish my lonley little liberal arts college had a squad that I could have joined. I think i'd kick ass at some basket tosses) online and we lived about 3 hours from each other. We spent a couple months chatting back and forth about our lives. aka complaining about the various boys we were dating/wanted to date. This is the foundation for all gay friendships. It is written. In our handbook. In the chapter called "Gay Friends - or - a drunken night away from a hookup."

Eventually he decided we needed to meet. I wasn't really attracted to him so I wanted to get out of having to drive any long distance to just turn the guy down. However the suggested meeting place was a pretty cool city and he'd found a great gay club there. He said he'd pay for a hotel room so we could get drunk, party, and then have somewhere to crash. I agreed... on the condition that there be separate beds. Homo ain't no ho... sometimes.

A brief digression... I must note that the ride down to see him was the first time I ever listened to next to normal and thus... an obsession began. Digression OVER!

So i get to the hotel he's chosen and its seedy as fuck. I like comparing things to fuck. Something is blank as fuck. Fuck is the pan-ultimate in any adjective contest. who the hell knows why? we all just accept it. think about it.

I open the door and secretly I'm hoping he'll turn out to be like... adam brody hot. alas he is not. its one of those rare cases where a person looks EXACTLY LIKE THEIR ONLINE PHOTO. that doesn't happen too often. He's a bit overweight and has a ponytail. I know. If you are eating I'm sorry. I'll give you a minute...

Sooooo we're at seedy as fuck hotel and he tells me he's found a "gay restaraunt" where we can go to dinner. I love these places that flaunt themselves as "gay" establishments. They usually have a rainbow poster up and blast madonna while HIV+ 60 year olds troll for unsuspecting twinks. Thats mean... but true. I reluctantly agree to go since he is so eager.

We get there around six and the place is dead. I order a beer. I'ma need it. The table is wobbly, the food is mediocre, and they don't even have hot waiters. Can a brother get some eye candy? Apparently not.

We finish rather early and then head back to the hotel because 7pm is wayyyyyyyy too early to show up to the club. I now realize I have at least 3 hours ahead of me of nothing but one on one time with him. Ugh. We get back to SAF Hotel and he pulls out a cooler. He has prepared shots. And brought them along. My brain cannot decide if this is precious or pathetic. It is a little of both I feel. But bottoms up, cause I don't want to be sober. He gets points for pre-planning for pre-gaming.

The excruciating minutes tick by and I'm buzzed. It is now time to go to the club. We drive there and it is one swank-ass club. I also like switching the hyphens when you have the adjective-ass noun formation. In this case it would be swank ass-club, which, under the circumstances would have been just as interesting. ANYWAY. Its a great club. I immediately spot a pole and know that at some point I will be swinging up on that bitch. and yes i did.

He buys me drinks. I request ones with lots of liquor. Clearly. He doesn't want to dance. I do it by myself while he watches. Weirdly.

There is a drag performace. Some fierce man-lady tranny dancing to "feedback." I applaud.

So I'm drunk and dancing and this 30 year old latino guy comes up to me. He tells me I'm the hottest guy there and that he's "from miami... so he knows what he wants." whatever the hell that means. He's hot. Cheerleader isn't dancing with me... so i throw my head back and grind with him. He tries to put his hand down my pants. I don't let him because I'm a classy lady. Then he buys me a beer and I let him... well don't let him so much as I'm too drunk to stop him. Cheerleader comes to my rescue and we leave.

We get back to the hotel and I'm schwasted and horny. I figure... "what the hell?" and crawl into bed with the guy. We begin to make out. He says "I've wanted this to happen all night long."

Um... way to ruin it. I don't like you, I just wanted some action. You had to go make me feel guilty because you actually like me. I don't wanna feel like a jerk! Excuse me while I stumble back to my bed and leave the next morning before you wake up.

Gained Points for: planning, I guess. never underestimate not having to make your date think too hard. oh and paying for shit.

Lost Points for: Ponytails

Mistakes I Made: Not staying sober. It would have just made everything easier. Also I should have just got my own hotel room.

Chances for Another Date: When he gets it tight and keeps it right, he can call me.

Overall Grade: C-

Night of the Living WTF?! 2: Revenge of the Mummy

Sometimes I go on second dates with guys I shouldn't

Names have been changed to protect the continually disappointing

Name of Date: Princeton
Date #: 2
Title of Last Date: Night of the Living WTF!?!?
Amount of Time Between Last Date: 2 weeks.
What Happened: well after being scared out of my mind that this guy was going to kill me, its only fair that i go on another date, right? (p.s. you should agree with me now. it will make the rest of this post easier to accept if you don't fight it)

So he lets me know he is having this party and that I should come and we can "hang out" after.

I have previous plans but tell him that I could make it by probably midnight. He says "oh thats great! we can still hang out". um. hanging out after midnight always implies nakedy time and after he totes cock teased me last time, i'm ready for round two.

When I arrive (overnight bag discreetly hidden in backseat" ... just in case) he is already drunk and serenading his guests with a karaoke version of "And I Am Telling You..." from Dreamgirls. He has a so-so voice sober, but drunk its like the worst version of some atonal frat boy singing "Don't Stop Believing." I sneak inside hoping he won't noticed I've joined until after his concert. He doesn't. Phew.

When he sees me he stumbles over and immediately demands that I catch up with him. He is drunk and I shoud be too. Drunk people love this logic because they know if someone else is as messy as they are, they don't have to feel as guilty in the morning. We all do it. We alllll use peer pressure on the lightweights so that our asses don't look like... well... asses the next day.

I oblige.

The rest of the party is restless and wants to head out to a bar. Princeton insists we will stay behind and "clean up" As soon as they are out the door we begin making out. Holler. And it lasts longer than three minutes. Holler part deux. I'm all ready for some non-heterosexin' when he proclaims that we should go on an adventure. He thinks this is a great idea and I'm drunk and horny and well... I'm gonna do pretty much whatever he asks. He goes to pee and I flop down on his sofa. Inspired by his showtune stylings, I begin belting out "Back to Before" from Ragtime. Seirously. I did that.

He throws open the bathroom door. Pounces on me and proclaims: "You are so fucking hot." And we make out for a while more. I'm glad that high belting from female standards gets him going. Mutual turn ons are a plus. I'm almost thinking he's forgotten his adventure idea when he pulls me up and we head outside. Awwwww snap!

Now I'm sure you clever ones will guess where we are. Princeton happens to live right outside a very beautiful Ivy League college and his adventure involved infiltrating campus to see what mischief we could get into... at 1:00AM. Apparently a lot. We got into some dorms. Danced around statues, etc. The highlight though was breaking into the chapel. Once we got inside it was no holds barred on the furious make outs. For repressed gay Christian boys, making out in a chruch is probably the hottest thing ever. I'm not gonna lie. Its like shoving a giant middle finger in front of ignorant theology... while getting some.

At this point I'm all wound up and drag his ass back home for the main event. We crawl into his bed and its effing deja vu. Make out for three minutes, he proclaims he's tired and rolls over to sleep. I am STUNNED. It has happened TWICE. I feel like Ashley Olsen. You know? Cause every one likes Mary Kate better. Its true. I see you nodding your head.

Somehow I make myself go to sleep.

I wake up in the morning and well... its morning time... for boys. For both of us. And certain things happen. And I can see a certain thing happening for him. I resolve that if I couldn't get some last night, I would sure as hell get some now. I begin to reach for it when all of a sudden he wakes up, says "I gotta pee" and runs to the bathroom. When he has returned, its gone. A deflated balloon. Disney World has closed. I start to think he did it on purpose. Ran to the bathroom to "relieve" himself. jerkface.

I am so frustrated that I get up and dress. He has fallen back asleep so I wake him up to tell him I'm leaving. He says "Goodbye. Oh! I'm sorry we didn't get to... play... last night. Next time. I promise." I look at him. Smile gently. Kiss his lips soflty and whisper; "Theres not gonna be a next time," and walk out into the sunshine.

Gained Points for: The couch ravishing. I'm sure a lot of that had to do with how good my singing was. And getting face attacked is like the best compliment ever!

Lost Points for: keeping it in his pants.

Mistakes I Made: assuming things would be differnet. made an ass outta me and... me.

Chances for Another Date: Unless there is a signed contract for at least a handy j. Not gonna happen.

Overall Grade: C +