Odd

Sometimes I go on fucked up dates. Actually. Most of the time.

Names have been changed to protect the I can't make this stuff up.

Name of Date: Are You Kidding Me?
Date #: 1
Looks Like: J. Robert Spencer... kinda.
Age: 31
Occupation: Poet... for real-real. not for play-play.
Where We Met: Craigslist. Ok. OK! I'm a trashy ho. Get it out.
What Happened: So i met this dude on the CL. I was bored and lonely and placed an ad. NO! There was no picture of me naked attached and NO! I didn't suggest sex. I just wanted to meet a cool person and have a nice evening. He responded to my ad and didn't look like he was funna rape me... so I agreed to meet him.

We used my old standby... the meet for coffee. He lived about 30 minutes south of me so he suggested a place near him. I feel thats kinda lazy but I made the drive anyway because I'm desperate and pathetic.

I got there early because that is my MO. I gotta scope out the place make sure I find the best lighting and plan escape routes for if the date goes horribly wrong. So I'm sitting outside when this SUV is driving past and slows down. I wonder if its him, but two Laguna Beach bitches (OMGZ I kind of lovez Kristen) roll down the windows and whistle at me. Apparatenly I look not only hot but straight as well. Kudos, me. That or the gay gods were playing a cruel trick on these ladies. They roll on by and I wave goodbye to the symbolism of something that (in retrospect) would have made more sense that evening.

So AYKM shows up and is actually as cute as his picture. Thank goondess. There is little way to hide that disappointment. "Oh... so the tan gorgeous guy in the picture was just some random thing you put up to lure other tan gorgeous guys in?" "Did you just call me shallow?" "More importantly... am I pretty?"

Our conversation is rather pleasant. He tells me he is a poet and I find that super fascinating. We talk about my job and the usual get to know you type shit. After we sip our coffee, (Well... actually I got lemonade and he got green tea. Does that still count as a coffee date?) he suggests we go back to his place to hang out.

Bow chicka bow bow. his place. hang out. with out cocks out? who knows. Timmy might be getting a little heygirlhey. I'm diggin that idea so I ask if I should follow him. He says "Oh well. I don't have a car. My roommate dropped me off here. Could you drive us back?"

I took this to be a totally plausible and legit request. Oh poor innocent naive me. I should have run away.

On the drive back to his place he makes the confession that its not that he doesn't have a car. Its that he doesn't have a lisence. He has a fear of driving, actually. The reason he has a fear of driving? He's kind of maybe a little bit autisic?

I handle this information surprisingly well. I mean who am I to judge his fear....

Ok. I almost got through typing that without laughing. Of COURSE I am going to judge him. Its what I do. Its why y'all read this. And why y'all love me.

I mean not for his autism. Thats just mean.

And I'm not mean...

Ok. Again I almost go through typing that without laughing. I'm so Regina George.

Anyway. We get back to his place and I immediately can tell something is off. His roommate is home, who he introduces me to. He is a very nice and attractive guy. While he is giving me the tour of the place he shows me the bedroom. yes. THE bedroom. One bed. Gay Kama Sutra books on the shelf. And it alllll made sense why his "roommate" owns and drives the car.

So the "roommate" heads into the computer room and says he will turn on the music to give us our privacy. Apparently this dude is all aok with his man gettin cozy with this hottie. (Imagine me pointing to myself) Almost immediately I say "so... whats up with that?"

He confesses that they are indeed "together" but they have an "understanding." He goes into this long speech about they care deeply for each other but aren't compatible sexually or some bullshit like that. I nod like and idiot trying to take this whole situation. Then we start making out.

I was stunned and in shock. The autistic poet fear of driving open relationship guy made a move and I was defenseless! I mean he was a good kisser. But his bf was totes in the next room listening to techno music. Again. I am a trashy ho.

The evening ended. I will let you make your own assuptions. (see above) He walked me to the door and introduced me to the spider that lives on their porch. Which was the least werid event of the evening. And I drove home and immediately slapped myself. I am never going on CL again.

Gained Pointes for: Honesty

Lost Points for: Delayed honesty.

Mistakes I Made: Letting the evening progress past panera.

Chances for Another Date: I mean... If his bf is ok with it? NO! No I will not be that guy.

Overall Grade: D