Closet Case

Sometimes I get to be "straight" again.

Names have been changed to protect the really quite sad and I hope you figure things out.

Name of Date: No Homo
Date #: 1
Looks Like: Your stereotypical college d-bag
Age: 20
Occupation: Student
Where We Met: Craig's to the List. Judge me. You should.
What Happened: So I post an add on the CL in strictly platonic asking for friends and cool people to hang out with and obviously post my hottest picture because I need attractive friends. Its like a stipulation in my genetic code.

So No Homo contacts me says he's looking for "chill dudes" who "aren't fem" and sends a picture and he's reasonably attractive so I respond. He says he attends a local college and gives me his number saying we should "hang out." I don't like to give my number to guys I just meet and especially strangers from a sketch website who use surfer vernacular... but i'm lonely so I make an exception. The conversation quickly escalates to texting. oooooo texting.

He tells me I should come hang out with him and his friends that night. I am hesitant but he mentions there is a Dashboard Confessional concert happening on his campus and he could get me a ticket. Um WHAT?!?!

a. the DC still exists? am i living in 1998?
b. hell to the fuck yeah. i'm a sucker for some emo i-hate-my-life-no-one-loves-me music.

So I head over to meet up with him. Obvi.

He meets me and he's attractive. Kinda got this scruff bad boy thing going on. I'm ashamed. But also digging it. I feel like Britney must have felt when she met K-Fed. "Oh y'all... he ain't no JT but I bet he could work it. I bet he has mad pop and lockin' skills. Bit-Bit gonna get up on that."

As we're walking to get the ticket. He informs me of three things.

1. he is so far into the closet that he's having tea with aslan.
2. i need to keep it on the DL so his friends don't know.
3. he's going to say i'm a friend of a friend from out of town who just wanted to see the concert.

I found three particularly interesting because its not really that far from the truth, so why add extraneous details? I mean. thats kind of silly in my opinion. But I'll play along and keep it to myself so that you're friends don't know you're a card carrying, salami swallowing, man-pri wearing, homo-gay. Although your skinny jeans are a HUGE clue.

The concert starts in roughly 2 hours so we head to his friend's room to hang out before the show. Hang out apparently means drink beer and take 60000 photos with a blow up doll. Now I didn't have this kind of college experience where all you do is sit around and drink and be a jack-ass. It was completely new to me. Girls would stop by and giggle and grab a beer and pose for pictures with pouty faces and peace signs, while the guys would grab them, slap their asses and ask to see their panties. Um. No. I did not sign up for frat party 2003. The LFO party needs to get their shit together because I just need some screaming infidelities. thank you.

No Homo is the king of this place too. Flirting with all the girls. Grabbing their boobs even making out with some while I sit in the corner bored and honestly... feel really sad for him. It must suck to be that afraid of coming out.

FINALLY the concert starts and we head over. Its totes brill. Mega-Fab. All that junk. No Homo is texting me the whole time telling me how cute i am and asking me to spend the night all while grinding up on this girl who he tells me is his ex. Its pathetic really. I text him back and say I'm ready to go and like LIGHTNING he grabs my hand and we book it out of there so no one will see. I haven't had to play the quick escape game so I could go get some since I was 19. Its not a fun memory.

We get back to his room and begin furioiusly making out. He is basically begging me to spend the night. Apparently pretending to be hetero makes you ravenous for dick. I'm not surprised. I tell him I'm not cool with spending the night but we can have fun for a while. He all but rips my clothes off and throws me on his bed.I begin taking off his clothes and he says. "Hey dude. I have a tiny dick. just so you know."

Ok. FIRST OF ALL. Why call attention to it? I mean. I'm about to see it, and I would never have commented on it. Yet now you are forcing me to LIE TO YOU and be all "no. no its not. its nice. i really like it." bad form, No Homo.

Anyway.... I give him a nice good working over because I'm sure he doesn't get this treatment very often. He tells me its the best BJ he's ever gotten from a guy or a girl. I want to say "thank you" and curtsy. but. i don't. I then ask him for one. He tells me he's never sucked a dick before.

Hahahaha I honestly say. "well... you're gonna tonight." I'm so awful. I know.

and he does. he gets down there and gives it the old college try. its not great but its his first time so I don't judge him too harshly. We finish and once again he begs me to stay so we can do it over and over. Also Its only 10pm at this point. I know. I couldn't believe it either. Round two is def an option so I say I'll stick around for a little bit.

Ugh had I known it would have included more hangouts with his homophobic buddies while he'd grab my ass when they weren't looking or throw me against the wall to make out and grind his pelvis against mine when they went to the bathroom, I'd have left. Thats not sexy thats just sad. We find time for a quickie when they run to the convenience store for more beer and afterward I make my exit in complete disbelief that this night actually happened.

And "Hands down this is the best date I can ever remember... always remember." no. no it isn't.

Gained Points For: Aggresion in the sack. Pent up gayness makes a boy really want it. Also who knew "you're a jerk" would be a really hot song to get some to? Oh AND when I asked if I was "not fem" enough for him he said "oh yeah." WHO KNEW?! go me.

Lost Points for: Being in the closet. Thats sad.

Mistakes I Made: Sticking around for Act II. I should have made my exit so I coulda caught Will and Grace on lifetime.

Chances for Another Date: I don't really feel like being the awkward "who is that guy?" guy again. so i'm sure there won't be another one. I wouldn't be surprised if i get booty texted though. boooooootyyyyyy teeeeeexxxxxttteeeed.

Overall Grade: C-