White Pants Fantasia

Sometimes I should lower my expectations.

Names have been changed to protect the strange and disappointing.

Name of Date: Y
Date #: 1
Looks Like:
Age: 30-ish?
Occupation: Oh I don't even remember
Where We Met: A club of the gay persuasion.
What Happened: So I'm out at the club. You know how I do. Dat's right. Dat's right. Mackin' on some bitches and passing the corvoisier. Oh wait. I'm not a rapper circa 2002 who uses lingo circa 1994. I'm actually pretty pissed that the people I'm with are ignoring me and I gotta dance by my lonesome. How I am I supposed to please lady gaga if there is no boy for me to grind up on? Shaking my ass to the phrase "I wanna take a ride on your disco stick" is just significantly less fun if there is no one there to make suggestive eyes at while I mouth the lyric.

Anyway. I'm sitting against the wall and I notice this really sweet pair of white pants. Like. I want them. I have always wanted to wear a pair of white pants but can't find any that look good on me. This particular pair of paints is fitting this guy really well so I follow up his leg and check him out. Lo and Behold.... he is attractive. Wait WHAT!? Have you seen the other mofos in this place? Because you do not belong. One of these things is not like the other.

And on top of his smoldering good looks, he is smiling at me! So I smile back. But this clear "come over and talk to me" green light is ignored on my part because sometimes I want to be the lady and make you woo me. I'm worth it. Loreal says so.

After literally 20 minutes of the eye sexing (which p.s. i was safe. i had my contacts in. i don't need no eye scabies.) he writes something down on a piece of paper hands it to some random dude and points to me. The guy delivers it and I'm torn between going "awwww" or throwing up because I am not in 4th grade anymore. if this thing says "do you like me check yes or no" I will crumple it up and put it in my drink.

The note, of course, had his name (which is name that uses a "y" where a "i" usually is... i judged his parents) and number so I texted him. We text back and forth for about an hour each making the obligatory flirty comments. "you are the cutest guy here." "no. you are." etc. etc. Why we can't just actually talk I do not understand. He is literally 14 feet from me and we are texting. Welcome to 2009.

So we plan to go for a walk on the beach the next day. He must be a good guy. He has amazing white pants. I'm pretty sure we're soul mates. I get there early to wait for him. I see a bus pull up and he gets off. Oh hell no. Homo don't have no car, homo don't have no life. This is going to be one long afternoon. Also he is not wearing the white pants and that is sad. I miss them.

The moment he opens his mouth I know exactly why he didn't come up to talk to me. He has the thickest spanish accent ever. Hola. Donde estas el escape route-o?

ok. ok. i'm not racist but my track record with guys who have English as a second language hasn't been great. (see Sven). but i suck it up.

OH! i should also mention he is not nearly as hot in broad daylight as he is in the dim setting of a club. i always forget that shocking inevitability. stupid, timmy, stupid.

Anyway we begin our walk and have somewhat decent conversation. He tells me he was born in Brazil. was once up for Angel in a tour of Rent. Used to live in Boston and is here for a week visiting friends (thus explaining why he took the bus). And that he likes to sing. Which he does. In spanish. I do not understand it and I want to leave.

He also keeps trying to get me to take my shirt off. Even reaching for it at one point and asking "can i see?" I slap him away. "NO YOU CANNOT CREEPY FOREIGN GUY! maybe that's how they do things in brazil (or boston) but I ain't no sex doll you can just undress at the beach."

After this I tell him I need to leave. Its then that he decides to drop the biggest guilt trip ever: "Oh really? I thought we were gonna spend the day hanging out. I cancelled my trip to Sea World with my friends so I could see you."

WHAAAAAT!? You'd rather gamble on getting to first base then seeing shamu? Sea world is the fucking shit. Your priorities are all out of whack and I hate to be the one to tell you that in 15 minutes you're gonna be on a bus back to wherever you came from. WAIT. I didn't mean it like that. Sigh... I'm so racist.

Gained Points for: His dedication. He wanted this date to happen. Hardcore.

Lost Points for: not telling me you're Brazilian beforehand. I shoulda know that. oh and trying to molest me.

Mistakes I Made: Beach walk dates during the day are awkward. They last too long and you get sweaty.

Chances for Another Date: I deleted him from my phone right after. What does that tell you?

Overall Grade: D