PROM IT!

This post was a special request. (Y'all can make those. p.s.) "hey timmy. i want you to write a post about a time you went on a date with a girl."

ewwwwwwww vaginas!!!! i heard some have teeth. gross me out!

Sometimes I used to be straight in high school.

Names have been changed to protect the female population.

Name of Date: Border Patrol (hey. every girl has to do her duty.)
Date #: 55? I dunno. She was my hs sweetheart. The Pacey to my Joey. The Ross to my Rachel. The Justin to my Kelly. (omgz we totes saw that movie too.)
Looks Like: The eldest duggar daughter.
Occupation: Being my girlfriend. duhhhh. she's a nurse now though. (dowwwwngrade)
Where We Met: Where any cofused closeted kid meets his naive and oblivious beard: drama class.
What Happened: Ok so this particular date that I'm going to re-tell for your reading pleasure took place the night of my senior prom. A story many of you have heard before, but it bears re-telling. Travel back with me won't you? To a more innocent time. Destiny's Child had not yet broken up. Ladies weren't yet wearing huge belts. My penis had not yet been touched by any other person.

The theme for prom was "A Night Among the Stars" or some other dippy thing like that. We were to have a red carpet. Oooooo. Thats a way to interest 17 year old narcissists; build an ego-centric evening around fake fame. I ate that shit up.

Border Patrol had been my steady for about 2 months so it was expected that we would attend together. I was so excited to go dress shopping with her. Let me repeat. I WAS SO EXCITED TO GO DRESS SHOPPING WITH HER. Bless her heart. We decided on a simple red dress which I would accent with a red vest underneath my two-button slimming, shoulder-widening tux. I knew I was going to be photgraphed that night.

Also. And much much much more importantly... I was on prom court. For some unknown reason the popularity gods smiled upon a young homo in training and allowed his name to appear on the ballot for the sought after position of "Prom King." I would rule fairly, I decided. Only execute the deserving and uphold the belief that all people were created equal... if not pretty.

I had done my best to campaign and made it excruciatingly clear to everyone that this ultimately unimportant (and admitedly 'gay') position was the one thing I desired more than anything else. Wearing a plastic crown and dancing a spotlight dance? My 18 year old heart burst with teen movie seuqences where this symbolic event would forever change my life and leave me with memories to last a lifetime. Cue "Only Time" by Enya.

So BP and I arrive at prom and she is looking lovely. I'm very happy that we are a hot couple. I mean looking hot at prom is kind of your only option. Why you wanna show up to the only interesting even in high school lookin' like a broke down ho? Thats right. You don't. I've seen some nasty-ass prom pictures. I wanted my prom pictures to last a lifetime. I was sure BP and I would be showing our kids.

Ew. sidenote. she wanted to name our son Blaine. ew. it would be condemning him to virginity forever.

"Nothing ever happens in Blaine"

So we cut a rug, get our pic taken, do all the normal prom things. The obligatory scream and hug when our friends enter. Let me repeat. The obligatory SCREAM (read squeal) and HUG when our friends entered.

Thank goodness Lady Gaga didn't exist at this point because if poker face had started playing any and all attemps at maintianing heterosezzuality would have been for naught. The gay gene would have taken over and I'd have been grinding with my shirt off and begging for glow sticks.

Then the big event came. No not me plunging into her murky depths. God no. As Margaret Cho likes to say... "Girl, I'm allergic."

No. It was time for them to announce who Prom King and Queen were. I was as nervous as any contestant on any reality tv show when it gets down to the final three. In my mind Tyra Banks stood before me only holding one headshot and glared fiercely. I became worried that I might trip at the finish line. Maybe I lost my neck. MAYBE MY SMIZE WERE NOT SMIZE-Y ENOUGH!!!!

Unfortunately, like all shakesperean tragedies... I was not crowned prom king. I bravely hid my tears in BP's shoulder while she tried her best to comfort me. The teacher in charge of prom called me over and attempted to make me feel better. She insisted "It was very close! You only lost by one vote!"

One vote. One lousy piece of paper between me and eternal glory. My name forever down as PROM KING SWGHS 20--. If only one more person had chosen to choose me my future would have been forever altered.

We left shortly after. Driving to the bowling alley to meet our friends for our post prom activity. There was no hotel in our future because we were good Christian kids waiting til marriage and I secretly had no desire to touch her boobs. I justified this in my mind and my supreme will power over (non-existant) sexual desires.

On the way to bowl the night away she could see the deep sadness and loss in my face. I smiled and told her that it didn't matter as long as she was mine. She looked at me longingly and with tears in her eyes whispered... "I love you." It was the first time she had ever said that to me and I believed her whole-heartedly and it was one of the most special moments of my life. She made the evening magical and meaningful. And I loved her too.

After makeouts and warm fuzzies I told her what the teacher said about me only losing by one vote and how silly that was. Her face fell. She spoke quickly and like a child who had broken a ming vase. " I wasn't going to say anything... but I forgot to vote."

BP giveth and BP taketh away. I tried hard not to be mad, but clearly the resentment lives on to this day.

Gained Points for: Being beautiful

Lost Points for: do I even have to say?

Mistakes I Made: treating prom king like it actually mattered... oh and dating a girl.

Chances for Another Date: well at the time she was my gf and I had 5 more months of being with her before I came to my gay senses.

Overall Grade: C