Names have been changed to protect the faux-famous.
Name of Date: Z-List
Date #: 1
Looks Like: a small town boy trying to pass as a guido
Age: 19
Occupation: Actor
Where We Met: A cast party for a show on which i was working. (Notice how I did NOT end the sentence with a preposition)
What Happened: After exchanging phone numbers we decide an evening out at the shore would be nice. So I drive to meet him there fully expecting a lovely evening of conversation and moonlit beach walking. A girl has to have dreams, right? Also this is what I like to think street hookers imagine on their first night out. That some ridiculously handsome (but lonely) man will pick them up, wine them and dine them, and then decide they want to marry them. Then the $5 handy-j's begin with gross fatso's and the pimp-slaps snap them back into reality. NO WEDDING FOR YOU!
We go to this outdoor cafe. Ugh I hate outdoor cafes. My food is meant to be eaten in sterile air conditioned spaces devoid of bugs and sunlight. A quality that makes me team edward. Even though i'm totes team jacob.
So we order and have some pleasant conversation. He mentions he is an actor. Oh great now I have to listen to him talk about himself for the rest of the date. Which he proceeds to do. "Oh i've been in this movie. Oh i know this person. Oh i've done coke with Mischa Barton." Bitch please, no one cares. Coke is so 1980s and Mischa Barton hasn't been famous since 2004. Call me after you've sucked James Marsden's dick and we'll talk.
I now know I'm stuck in a date with an insane narcissist who showed up wearing knock-off ed hardy and black jeans. Ew. Black jeans. Denim should only exist in blue. or grey. oooo or white. or any other color that does not make you look like you want to be a juggalo. SPEAKING OF! Have you guys seen that "Miracles" video by the Insane Clown Posse? If not stop reading this and go youtube it. Seriously I will wait...
...WTF, RIGHT?!?! Although I'm pretty bored and disinterested on this date so a conversation about how fucking magnets work would have been a welcome distraction from his blabbering about trying to get a SAG card. Hehehe try FAG card. I am an adult, ladies and homos.
Well Z-List and I are walking along the beach now and I'm trying to find some way I can direct the conversation to not be about him when he suggests we go back to his place. I am so taken aback by a sentence that doesn't begin with "One time I..." that I hungrily agreed. If my man-bits are in his mouth, he will at least shut up. Also he is actually kind of cute and I wouldn't mind seeing him naked. Let's be real though, I wouldn't mind seeing anyone naked.
When we get back to his place he says "Oh fuck. my parents are home." And I remember he is 19 and obviously still lives with his parents. WHY DO I DATE BABY-MEN ?! I mean I'm all for suckling at the teat of not paying for anything, but having a place to myself where I can sex it up with trick after trick is worth the price of rent. He then says we should go to some abandoned field. I'm thinking outdoor sex, but he is thinking smoking a cigarette and making me gag.
Can I get on my soap box for another hot minute? Gays please listen: smoking stopped being sexy 50 years ago. It is now only acceptable for super models and 8th graders. How do you expect to get rippling abs at the gym if you can't even breathe? Seacrest out.
So he's smoking his don't-come-near-me stick. And I'm getting eaten alive by bugs. And this is seriously my life. The we make out. Because apparently I have no morals when a tongue is heading towards my throat. (Well when anything is heading towards my throat). And it is gross and tastes disgusting and he is heavier than he looks. After about 5 minutes I roll him off me and head home. He's been downgraded from Z-List to ZZZZZ-List.
Gained Points for: I dunno, asking me out in the first place.
Lost Points for: Pretty much everything else. He was a walking handbook for what not to do on a date.
Mistakes I Made: Going "back to his place." "Oh hi momsie, I'm gonna go blow your son now."
Chances for another date: If I'm bored and reruns of Gilmore Girls aren't playing. Sure.
Overall Grade: C
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