One More Sleep 'til Christmas... in Hell.

Sometimes I date really terrible people.

Names have been changed to protect the narcissistic assholes who we only truly recognize through the lens of hindsight.

Name of Date: The Worst

Date #: 3

Looks Like: Short with a weak chin. This is srsly like the 17th guy i've dated with a weak chin. Get some face-bones, dude(s).

Age: 25

Occupation: Grad Student

Where We Met: Connexion

What Happened: So our first two dates were relatively uneventful. They went well although they would bore the pants off of you unless you knew our whole history. which you don't. not yet. And we wouldn't want you reading this without pants on would we? (or would we?)

So remove your hand from your nether region and keep reading. Or don't. I don't care. If this gets you off keep your hand there for all I care. Maybe I've started the art of erotic-blogging.

Anyway it was going to be our third date. Because of our prospective jobs and recent life circumstances neither of us could fly home to be with mom for Christmas. He called me one night and said I should come over on Christmas Eve, we'd watch The Muppet Christmas Carol, and then go to bed and wake up with each other on Christmas morning and could open presents from the fams together. Adorbs right?

I'm all happy and giddy because this is the 3rd date and things have been going super well with him and I no longer avert my eyes at his weird facial structure and he's super affectionate and caring and does stuff like drive over to my place just to say goodnight before I go to bed. I was like head over heels for this homo.

PLUS we hadn't had sex yet. We both mentioned on our last date that we wanted it to happen, but that we shouldn't force it. (Although sometimes you have to, the guys with big packages know what I'm talking about). So I felt that this would be a wonderful Christmas gift to each other. I mean if Santa is coming, why can't I? At this point in my life the only real thing on my Christmas list anyway is cock.

So I go over to his place and we snuggle in to watch the movie. He so excited and completely precious (based on the novel PUSH by sapphire). He even sings along to the songs. Now he doesn't have a great voice but his eagerness warms my heart. And riffing through muppet movies is something to do while drunk with a fierce beltress.

When the movie ends we head to the bedroom to get ready for bed. We even foolishly go through the motions of brushing teeth, putting pajamas on, etc. PRETENSE! When we get into bed I think we last maybe 10 seconds before furiously making out. I had made sure to choose my sexiest sleep gear to ensure this. (Tip: No matter what your body looks like, a tight wife-beater will always make it look better.)

Also The Worst is The Best kisser I've ever been with. Sorry other guys I've dated it is just the truth. Hands down the best. So every time we got to make out I was like putty in his cunty hands.

Clothes begin to be removed and I get to see him naked for the first time and he has... and incredibly perfect body. Its insanely good from the tip of his toes to the tip of his neck, he has it going ON! I feel I've hit the jackpot here.

The touching/rubbing continues... but... he never gets worked "up" if you catch my drift. I mean my amazing (and yes, they are amazing) mouthular skills get him there for a minute, but then it goes away. He promises it isn't me (um. i'm pretty sure its ALWAYS the other person if you can't stay hard) and then proceeds to work on me. I finish. He doesn't. and we go to sleep.

I HATE THAT. I hate it sooo much. Not that "finishing" is the goal to be achieved but it is so lame to

a. not tell me what I can to do help

b. get me off so that I feel guilty about you not being able to

I literally obsess about this all night. This is the first time I've ever been in a situation where one of us didn't achieve happy town.

The next morning it is like Dr. Gay-Jekyl and Mr. Gay-Hyde. He wakes up in this terrible mood. "Oh. I guess we should open presents now." We begin to open presents and he is distant, cold and completely uninterested. He doesn't even care that I was thoughtful and listened and bought something special and meaningful for him. He didn't even get me a present! Not that I care. (ok who am i kidding, I totes cared. I LIKE THINGS!)

I asked him what was wrong and he gave me some flippant answer about hating not being with family today. Which would have been plausible if this mood went away the next time I saw him. But spoiler alert: HE STAYED DISTANT AND MOODY FOR THE NEXT FIVE MONTHS WE DATED. I hate to mention future dates in a post, but this moment was literally the turning point in our relationship. I had 2.5 awesome dates with him and then scores of terrible ones which I am sure I will write about later. This was also the ONLY time he allowed me to spend the night with him. Jerk-off. Oh wait. he can't even do that!

I left that morning feeling ugly, unwanted, under-appreciated and un-good at sexing. Which is something I really hate. Merry Christmas to me.

Gained Points for: An amazing date idea.

Lost Points for: Becoming the most selfish narcissistic douche-y guy i've ever dated LITERALLY overnight.

Mistakes I Made: Farting in the bed? Ewwww. no I didn't do that. Not at the first sleepover. I was a lady and went to the bathroom.

Chances for Another Date: Well apparently I'm into guys who make me feel terrible. Yay low self-esteem and fulfilling stereotypes. So yes.

Overall Grade: D -

This post brought to you buy a recent awkward run-in with The Worst that made me want to rip his face off.