Sometimes fierce sexy bitches make requests. This is for you, Bilger.
Names have been changed to protect the...
Name of Date: Santa Klaus.
Date #: 1
Looks Like: The Jolly Gay Giant's brother. But not as intimidating.
Age: 23
Occupation: Grad Student/Economist
Where We Met: Online. OK. I AM AN EFFING ONLINE WHORE-FACE.
What Happened:
Twas two days before Christmas
and alone in my house
all that was stirring
was the rather large mouse... in my pants.
I'm no good at rhyming. I am much more proficient in Haikus.
ANYWAY. I had met this kid online and he was in town for Christmas. He had nothing to do so I invited him over after I got off work to have a glass of wine and chill. AKA if you're pretty enough I will put my tongue in your mouth and take of my shirt.
Well due to a new employee it took me FOREVER TO GET HOME. And once I got there I had to clean and make the place look presentable. There is nothing worse than a sloppy homo. They come into your place and are all judgy-eyed and think things like "omgzz. this freak need some fa-breeze." I know. Because I've thought that. Myself. About myself.
SO I clean and I finally give him the green light to come over. By this point its 11:00pm and I'm wondering if I'm crossing the line into booty-call land. Which means I would have gotten my golden slut card. SO I am secretly hoping he isn't as cute as his picture so that I will have no desire to pull him down onto my bed. My bed is a no uglies zone.
So he arrives and dammit to hell, he's cute. Like super cute. And tall. Its moments like this I wish I had a chastity belt. I cannot control my groin. It needs to be caged. It is voracious. Imagine it. Yeeeeeeah.
So I pour him a glass of wine and we have funny banter about the term "wine key." And I've got the charm/wit turned up as high as it can go. He's laughing. I'm laughing. We discuss how he lives in germany (plus) in fluent in several languages (plus) is not out to his parents (minus) and how he just got out of a 3 year relationship (huge minus). The conversation quickly turns into a "i don't know how to date, am i going to end up alone?" pep talk. And I have been there so I know what it feels like. Hell, I am living that every day.
So I try to be encouraging and say. "Well... you are really handsome. I don't think you'll have any problem." And I pat his knee. He looks away and says "Thanks.... Awkward pause." HE LITERALLY SAID "AWKWARD PAUSE." I mean there are several options here
a. "aww you are handsome too"
b. "smile and kiss me."
c. ANYTHING OTHER THAN SAY "AWKWARD PAUSE."
I mean this was the kid who was texting me all day saying how excited he was about our "date." and now you can't even compliment a homo? BAD FORM! Then on top of all these he looks at the clock and says... "i should probably go soon." He should have just said "you are ugly and the thought of kissing you makes me want to be straight." So what could I say other than "well... leave when you need to."
Which he did. 15 minutes later. After feeding me some line about "lets get together again." I speak gay fluently, sir, i know you mean. "please do not text me and i'd appreciate it if you'd ignore me online." Ironically, he looked like the Jolly Gay Giant and treated me the same... except this time it wasn't the site of my penis that repulsed him... just my broke-ass face. I guess Santa didn't want to come... at all.
Gained Points for: Being smart and clever. And saving me from the guilt of being a slutty whore the next morning.
Lost Points for: Making me feel like an ugly stepsiter.
Mistakes I Made: Complimenting him? I dunno. I think I was pretty classy. I didn't even try to kiss him.
Chances for Another Date: I don't think I'll be hearing from him again.
Overall Grade: C
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Porn-u-copia!
Sometimes guys are really tricky.
Names have been changed to protect the devious.
Name of Date: Baby Face
Date #: 3
Title of Last Date: If At First You Don't Succeed...
Amount of Time Between Last Date: 2 weeks.
What Happened: Ok so our second date was relatively boring and not much happened. He took me to a movie. It was about as non-descript as you could get so I'm skipping right ahead to date tres.
I happened to be in NYC one afternoon so he said he would pick me up, we'd grab dinner and then I could crash at his place before I headed back home the next morning. I thought this sounded like a lovely idea. We also plainly addressed the fact that this was the third date and he was expecting sex. However he didn't do it in the "am i going to get laid?" way he was simply like "so this is the third date, will we be having sex?" i am such a sucker for direct questions that I said "yes" a bit too hastily and probably came of sounding like a desperate hooker.
While I was waiting for him to come meet me (I had just had some starbucks with a college friend) I went over in my head whether or not I'd actually go through with it. I mean this was a decent guy. We talked on the phone every night. Been dating for about a month. Whats wrong with it? My conservative upbringing wouldn't let go though. So I decided to leave it up to fate. If he had good hair and wasn't wearing ugly tennis shoes... I'd do it. You think I'm kidding, but I am serious. He had great hair on our first date, and the second it was weird and non-sexy. I figured that would be the best way to discern if I'd even be able to get a boner that night.
When he rounded the corner I saw a fantastic head of hair and gave myself a mental high five. Unfortch, I looked at his shoes. 1992 Foot Locker ad. Ugh. What is a girl to do? How am I supposed to know if I want to sleep with someone if they don't present a coherent package?
Anyway we got on the subway to brooklyn and had dinner at a cute little bistro around the corner from where he lived. He held my hand and was all romantic and midway through dinner Slim Fast called (see his dates) and I had to pretend I wasn't with someone. Its always awkward when dates interfere with one another. Unless its intended. And in a bedroom. Bada bing!
After dinner we go back to his place and he picks up the mail. I notice a manilla envelope without a return address on it and I think "oh wouldn't be hilarious if that was his porn magazine?" 10 seconds later he exclaims "awesome! I was waiting for this. its the next issue of 'freshmen'." Now... for you non-gays... 'freshmen' is a gay porn magazine featuring young guys. very twink. very abercrombie and fitch with full boners. very no body hair. I was a little disturbed that he was so open about admitting what it was.... until I got to his apartment.
It was almost like walking into an adult book store. He had oodles and oodles and oodles of porn. Literally shelves filled with magazines and dvds. And he had NO PROBLEM pointing them out to me on the tour of his place. Ok it is one thing to have porn. It is another to have hoards of porn. IT IS ANOTHER TO DISPLAY IT AND BE PROUD OF IT. Now I'm not a prude. I've seen porn and it has come in "handy" many times... but I think i maybe have one movie on my hard drive and that's it. I cannot imagine how this guy does anything but masturbate. Also WHY KEEP THIS MUCH? is it sentimental. did this particular blow-job touch your heart? I was legit confused.
So I know I should have addressed this and been all "hey creeper. holy crap this is too much porn." but i was polite and didn't say anything. i just kept averting my eyes everytime a rogue erection came into view. Also this should have been the sign from God NOT to jump into bed with him... but there were penises everywhere. I then realized this is allllll intentional. Its all part of the arousal process so that I'm all horny so that its impossible to say no. well played, baby face, well played.
Make outs occur. Obvi. Clothes come off. Obvi: The Sequel. And.... he is wearing a jock strap. LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, WE HAVE HOT SEXY UNDERWEAR. I am such a sucker for that. Its a HUGE turn on for me. From that moment I was done. There was no stopping. I boarded the train for whore-ville. Fare: my dignity. We ended up going at it twice that night and let me give credit where credit it due.... to this day... it is still... some of the best sexin' i have ever had. I will not lie. Maybe all that porn taught him a thing or two.
The next morning I am feeling pretty good. I have slept with him and we have great sexual chemistry. He's a really good guy and I like him. Things aren't actually that bad. Until he rolls over and says. "So I don't think this is gonna work out. I live here. You live there. Its just too much." The fucking prick tricked me again! SHAMYLAN-ED! (anybody watch "sunny in philly?" anyone?) He just wanted to screw me before ending it. I left that morning so pissed. I felt used and terrible.
Gained Points for: One of the best orgasms of my life. Damn, brother.
Lost Points for: TOSSING ME ASIDE WHEN YOU WERE DONE!
Mistakes I Made: Believing it would last beyond those 4 hours of fun.
Chances for Another Date: Zero. I may no longer have any dignity... but I'll refuse to be a repeat offender.
Overall Grade: D+
Names have been changed to protect the devious.
Name of Date: Baby Face
Date #: 3
Title of Last Date: If At First You Don't Succeed...
Amount of Time Between Last Date: 2 weeks.
What Happened: Ok so our second date was relatively boring and not much happened. He took me to a movie. It was about as non-descript as you could get so I'm skipping right ahead to date tres.
I happened to be in NYC one afternoon so he said he would pick me up, we'd grab dinner and then I could crash at his place before I headed back home the next morning. I thought this sounded like a lovely idea. We also plainly addressed the fact that this was the third date and he was expecting sex. However he didn't do it in the "am i going to get laid?" way he was simply like "so this is the third date, will we be having sex?" i am such a sucker for direct questions that I said "yes" a bit too hastily and probably came of sounding like a desperate hooker.
While I was waiting for him to come meet me (I had just had some starbucks with a college friend) I went over in my head whether or not I'd actually go through with it. I mean this was a decent guy. We talked on the phone every night. Been dating for about a month. Whats wrong with it? My conservative upbringing wouldn't let go though. So I decided to leave it up to fate. If he had good hair and wasn't wearing ugly tennis shoes... I'd do it. You think I'm kidding, but I am serious. He had great hair on our first date, and the second it was weird and non-sexy. I figured that would be the best way to discern if I'd even be able to get a boner that night.
When he rounded the corner I saw a fantastic head of hair and gave myself a mental high five. Unfortch, I looked at his shoes. 1992 Foot Locker ad. Ugh. What is a girl to do? How am I supposed to know if I want to sleep with someone if they don't present a coherent package?
Anyway we got on the subway to brooklyn and had dinner at a cute little bistro around the corner from where he lived. He held my hand and was all romantic and midway through dinner Slim Fast called (see his dates) and I had to pretend I wasn't with someone. Its always awkward when dates interfere with one another. Unless its intended. And in a bedroom. Bada bing!
After dinner we go back to his place and he picks up the mail. I notice a manilla envelope without a return address on it and I think "oh wouldn't be hilarious if that was his porn magazine?" 10 seconds later he exclaims "awesome! I was waiting for this. its the next issue of 'freshmen'." Now... for you non-gays... 'freshmen' is a gay porn magazine featuring young guys. very twink. very abercrombie and fitch with full boners. very no body hair. I was a little disturbed that he was so open about admitting what it was.... until I got to his apartment.
It was almost like walking into an adult book store. He had oodles and oodles and oodles of porn. Literally shelves filled with magazines and dvds. And he had NO PROBLEM pointing them out to me on the tour of his place. Ok it is one thing to have porn. It is another to have hoards of porn. IT IS ANOTHER TO DISPLAY IT AND BE PROUD OF IT. Now I'm not a prude. I've seen porn and it has come in "handy" many times... but I think i maybe have one movie on my hard drive and that's it. I cannot imagine how this guy does anything but masturbate. Also WHY KEEP THIS MUCH? is it sentimental. did this particular blow-job touch your heart? I was legit confused.
So I know I should have addressed this and been all "hey creeper. holy crap this is too much porn." but i was polite and didn't say anything. i just kept averting my eyes everytime a rogue erection came into view. Also this should have been the sign from God NOT to jump into bed with him... but there were penises everywhere. I then realized this is allllll intentional. Its all part of the arousal process so that I'm all horny so that its impossible to say no. well played, baby face, well played.
Make outs occur. Obvi. Clothes come off. Obvi: The Sequel. And.... he is wearing a jock strap. LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, WE HAVE HOT SEXY UNDERWEAR. I am such a sucker for that. Its a HUGE turn on for me. From that moment I was done. There was no stopping. I boarded the train for whore-ville. Fare: my dignity. We ended up going at it twice that night and let me give credit where credit it due.... to this day... it is still... some of the best sexin' i have ever had. I will not lie. Maybe all that porn taught him a thing or two.
The next morning I am feeling pretty good. I have slept with him and we have great sexual chemistry. He's a really good guy and I like him. Things aren't actually that bad. Until he rolls over and says. "So I don't think this is gonna work out. I live here. You live there. Its just too much." The fucking prick tricked me again! SHAMYLAN-ED! (anybody watch "sunny in philly?" anyone?) He just wanted to screw me before ending it. I left that morning so pissed. I felt used and terrible.
Gained Points for: One of the best orgasms of my life. Damn, brother.
Lost Points for: TOSSING ME ASIDE WHEN YOU WERE DONE!
Mistakes I Made: Believing it would last beyond those 4 hours of fun.
Chances for Another Date: Zero. I may no longer have any dignity... but I'll refuse to be a repeat offender.
Overall Grade: D+
Sunday, December 13, 2009
A Decent Man
Sometimes I date guys that are more interesting than me.
Names have been changed to protect the compelling.
Name of Date: Amish Gay
Date #: 1
Looks Like: Rosy Cheeks, Bonde Hair, 6'3" skinny-skinny.
Age: 22
Occupation: College Student
Where We Met: We started chatting online on the site "connexion." He later confessed that he thought the only reason I IM-ed him was because I wanted in his pants... he wasn't completely wrong.
What Happened: So I am helllllla bored one evening. Like to the point where even masturbating doesn't seem fun. We've all hit that point right fellas? (ladies?). So I'm online looking for something (one) I could go do (i jest.. kinda) when I see this kid, Amish Gay, online and he lives 20 min from me so I figure... why not? I'll im him. We chat for a while and he seems pretty nice. I begin heavily hinting that I am bored and have nothing (one) to do. Because he is quick witted and familiar with how this works, he invites me out to a bar.
So on the drive over I'm going through this whole crisis of "am I slutty? am I just going to meet this guy so I can get laid?" I don't know how many of you have been in this situation before but its like the shittiest/most sobering feeling ever. I take the drive to shake off all my horny/grossness and decide I will have a nice gentelmanly date with him. I will shake his hand when I leave and deal with the blue balls later. My pride propelled me forward.
When I get downtown its like an effing douche convention. I really feel like Jersey Shore is doing a out of town shoot. There are guidos everywhere. I want to run and hide from the hair product and fake tans. Then I realize there is a street fair/festival going on... with free beer and it all make sense. I have to park like 20 blocks away and when I finally make it to the bar, it is packed. I don't even want to venture inside for fear of sweaty assholes touching me. I might catch it. Thats how you become a guid0 right? Or do they have to bite you? Or is it from toilet seats? Someone wikipedia this immediately.
So I'm standing outside waiting for him and I see him running up from the opposite end of the street fair. He is cute, even though his clothes are bit ill-fitting. I kind of tilted my head and attirbuted it to the fact that he was so skinny. Slim homos have trouble finding stuff that makes them look cute. You either end up looking feminine or like a 12 year old circa 1995.
He introduces himself and he is so nice. We walk up and down the street fair looking at things and sampling beer. We get to know each other and I find out he goes to a conservatory and is majoring in violin performance. Which i find super effing sexy. Picture with me a naked dude sitting on a chair and serenading you on a violin while you're in bed and the rain falls. Are you in love yet? Cause you should be.
We run into some of his conservatory friends (gays) and they give me the up down and up again. I'm looking cute and cut so I don't even care. He politely introduces me and we move on. I am appreciative of the fact that he doesn't invite them to stroll with us. I don't want to have to impress his homo friends. I hate that game. You know how I do. I'd probably say something inappropriate or find one of them more attractive anyway. ugh. I am such a stereotype.
We stop by this cover band (and they are actually pretty decent) and they are playing "Don't Stop Believing" which has become a new gay anthem ever since glee. And while lea michele isn't belting her breats off, i still dance around like a fool. He seems amused. I am so charming.
After that rousing number we begin a really interesting conversation about how he grew up Amish and lived on a farm. I was captivated. The Amish have always intrigued me and I couldn't get enough of his life before his family left the faith. And while he said he misses it, he also mentioned how he couldn't live his life the way he wanted if he was still there. I made a joke about sleeping with men and he calmly said "I meant playing the violin. Instruments are a sin." Risque flirty joke fail. Ouch.
For whatever reason he seemed into me and I was considering undo-ing my no sex rule. He even invited me back to a party some of his friends were having on campus. YOU GUYS KNOW HOW I LOVE COLLEGE PARTIES, RIGHT? Kegs and Ladiezzzz. Uh.... I think college parties top the list of things I hate more than homophobes, jorts and keira knightley. oh man i hate her.
But this guy is cute and I'm loose enough to give a handy j... so... I go. Do you see a pattern in my life?
The party is worse that I could have ever imagined. Its a band geek party. And on top of that its a GAY band geek party. Ugh I'm stuck with 10 really lousy looking homos who's attempt at wit and banter fall as short as their high water jeans. As miserable as it is, I'm in judging heaven. And I take no prisinors with my assesment. Imagine paris hilton smacking her gum and texting while rolling her eyes. Now imagine me making a snide comment while my thumbs flick away. I also turn down all alcohol offers. Being the oldest person at a college party; its a requirement. Its giving a middle finger to their youthfullness while saying "I am an adult and above all of you."
Luckily Amish Gay is loving this. I think younger guys like to date older guys for this reason. We can make their younger and more unfortunate counterparts feel inferior. Also I am good at making anyone feel inferior.
He picks up on the fact that I want to leave so he makes an excuse so we can part. His friends scowl and glare as we leave jealous that I won't be waking up next to them in the morning. At least I assume.
We get back to his house and I'll "ok where is your bed?" and he's all "lets sit on the couch" and I'm all "no seriously, i wanna make out" and he's all "for reals. lets chat." Which is what we end up doing. And while I'm disappointed for like 10 seconds... he turns out to be this really insightful and interesting person. We spend a couple hours talking about everything from our personal life philosophies to past relationships to our families and religion. I find him terribly fascinating to the point where I'm almost dissapointed when we actually do begin making out. Until I realize his is a phenomenal kisser. And I stop caring about talking and i'm all "feelings are boring. kissing is awesome."
We venture into his bedroom finally and I'm ready to get it on. bow-chick-bow-wow. But he is far classier than I and stops the lustful grabbing and sloppy kisses once I get his shirt off. Now here is where it gets kinda weird.
He invites me to spend the night. I think he is joking after stopping the great sex that was surely about to happens. But he is for real-real. I tell him, "if I stay, i'm going to push the boundaries." and he said "thats part of the fun." and I giggle thinking he just wants me to work for it and I'm funna play that game. hard. but then he follows up with "but i've set the limit and you're not getting further than that."
I then decide its best to leave instead of spend a frustrated night with a boner. But I tell him we should get together real soon. He's cute, smart talented and classy. A girl could do worse.
Gained Points for: Maintaining a phenomenal conversation.
Lost Points for: Being a little bit too much of a cock tease.
Mistakes I Made: Flip-Flopping on the degree of slutty I wanted to indulge.
Chances for Another Date: really really really really good.
Overall Grade: A
Names have been changed to protect the compelling.
Name of Date: Amish Gay
Date #: 1
Looks Like: Rosy Cheeks, Bonde Hair, 6'3" skinny-skinny.
Age: 22
Occupation: College Student
Where We Met: We started chatting online on the site "connexion." He later confessed that he thought the only reason I IM-ed him was because I wanted in his pants... he wasn't completely wrong.
What Happened: So I am helllllla bored one evening. Like to the point where even masturbating doesn't seem fun. We've all hit that point right fellas? (ladies?). So I'm online looking for something (one) I could go do (i jest.. kinda) when I see this kid, Amish Gay, online and he lives 20 min from me so I figure... why not? I'll im him. We chat for a while and he seems pretty nice. I begin heavily hinting that I am bored and have nothing (one) to do. Because he is quick witted and familiar with how this works, he invites me out to a bar.
So on the drive over I'm going through this whole crisis of "am I slutty? am I just going to meet this guy so I can get laid?" I don't know how many of you have been in this situation before but its like the shittiest/most sobering feeling ever. I take the drive to shake off all my horny/grossness and decide I will have a nice gentelmanly date with him. I will shake his hand when I leave and deal with the blue balls later. My pride propelled me forward.
When I get downtown its like an effing douche convention. I really feel like Jersey Shore is doing a out of town shoot. There are guidos everywhere. I want to run and hide from the hair product and fake tans. Then I realize there is a street fair/festival going on... with free beer and it all make sense. I have to park like 20 blocks away and when I finally make it to the bar, it is packed. I don't even want to venture inside for fear of sweaty assholes touching me. I might catch it. Thats how you become a guid0 right? Or do they have to bite you? Or is it from toilet seats? Someone wikipedia this immediately.
So I'm standing outside waiting for him and I see him running up from the opposite end of the street fair. He is cute, even though his clothes are bit ill-fitting. I kind of tilted my head and attirbuted it to the fact that he was so skinny. Slim homos have trouble finding stuff that makes them look cute. You either end up looking feminine or like a 12 year old circa 1995.
He introduces himself and he is so nice. We walk up and down the street fair looking at things and sampling beer. We get to know each other and I find out he goes to a conservatory and is majoring in violin performance. Which i find super effing sexy. Picture with me a naked dude sitting on a chair and serenading you on a violin while you're in bed and the rain falls. Are you in love yet? Cause you should be.
We run into some of his conservatory friends (gays) and they give me the up down and up again. I'm looking cute and cut so I don't even care. He politely introduces me and we move on. I am appreciative of the fact that he doesn't invite them to stroll with us. I don't want to have to impress his homo friends. I hate that game. You know how I do. I'd probably say something inappropriate or find one of them more attractive anyway. ugh. I am such a stereotype.
We stop by this cover band (and they are actually pretty decent) and they are playing "Don't Stop Believing" which has become a new gay anthem ever since glee. And while lea michele isn't belting her breats off, i still dance around like a fool. He seems amused. I am so charming.
After that rousing number we begin a really interesting conversation about how he grew up Amish and lived on a farm. I was captivated. The Amish have always intrigued me and I couldn't get enough of his life before his family left the faith. And while he said he misses it, he also mentioned how he couldn't live his life the way he wanted if he was still there. I made a joke about sleeping with men and he calmly said "I meant playing the violin. Instruments are a sin." Risque flirty joke fail. Ouch.
For whatever reason he seemed into me and I was considering undo-ing my no sex rule. He even invited me back to a party some of his friends were having on campus. YOU GUYS KNOW HOW I LOVE COLLEGE PARTIES, RIGHT? Kegs and Ladiezzzz. Uh.... I think college parties top the list of things I hate more than homophobes, jorts and keira knightley. oh man i hate her.
But this guy is cute and I'm loose enough to give a handy j... so... I go. Do you see a pattern in my life?
The party is worse that I could have ever imagined. Its a band geek party. And on top of that its a GAY band geek party. Ugh I'm stuck with 10 really lousy looking homos who's attempt at wit and banter fall as short as their high water jeans. As miserable as it is, I'm in judging heaven. And I take no prisinors with my assesment. Imagine paris hilton smacking her gum and texting while rolling her eyes. Now imagine me making a snide comment while my thumbs flick away. I also turn down all alcohol offers. Being the oldest person at a college party; its a requirement. Its giving a middle finger to their youthfullness while saying "I am an adult and above all of you."
Luckily Amish Gay is loving this. I think younger guys like to date older guys for this reason. We can make their younger and more unfortunate counterparts feel inferior. Also I am good at making anyone feel inferior.
He picks up on the fact that I want to leave so he makes an excuse so we can part. His friends scowl and glare as we leave jealous that I won't be waking up next to them in the morning. At least I assume.
We get back to his house and I'll "ok where is your bed?" and he's all "lets sit on the couch" and I'm all "no seriously, i wanna make out" and he's all "for reals. lets chat." Which is what we end up doing. And while I'm disappointed for like 10 seconds... he turns out to be this really insightful and interesting person. We spend a couple hours talking about everything from our personal life philosophies to past relationships to our families and religion. I find him terribly fascinating to the point where I'm almost dissapointed when we actually do begin making out. Until I realize his is a phenomenal kisser. And I stop caring about talking and i'm all "feelings are boring. kissing is awesome."
We venture into his bedroom finally and I'm ready to get it on. bow-chick-bow-wow. But he is far classier than I and stops the lustful grabbing and sloppy kisses once I get his shirt off. Now here is where it gets kinda weird.
He invites me to spend the night. I think he is joking after stopping the great sex that was surely about to happens. But he is for real-real. I tell him, "if I stay, i'm going to push the boundaries." and he said "thats part of the fun." and I giggle thinking he just wants me to work for it and I'm funna play that game. hard. but then he follows up with "but i've set the limit and you're not getting further than that."
I then decide its best to leave instead of spend a frustrated night with a boner. But I tell him we should get together real soon. He's cute, smart talented and classy. A girl could do worse.
Gained Points for: Maintaining a phenomenal conversation.
Lost Points for: Being a little bit too much of a cock tease.
Mistakes I Made: Flip-Flopping on the degree of slutty I wanted to indulge.
Chances for Another Date: really really really really good.
Overall Grade: A
Monday, December 7, 2009
5 Year Anniversa-gay
Sometimes I get sentimental and on the 5th anniversary of me coming out... this it totes approp.
Names have been changed to protect... oh who am I kidding. It's Steve Kirsch.
Name of Date: The First
Date #: 1
Looks Like: Your first love
Age: 18
Occupation: College Freshmen
Where We Met: In the theatre hallway at my college waiting to audition for our fall musical; The Civil War. We spent two months being "best friends" which included sleep overs and snuggling (I'll take deep denial for $800, Alex.) until we finally kissed and become boyfriends.
What Happened: So it was the evening of my school's christmas tradition... which is this dance or something. I never went in all the 4 years I attended. In fact I only went to one school dance my whole time there... which was with a boy, actually. (see And Isn't it Ironic?)
However at this point The First and I were so afraid of getting hate crimed we'd have never done anything as bold as that. For serious. I spent a lot of time imagining graphic beatings and homophobic slurs. Coming out be hard, yo. So INSTEAD we decided we would go on our first real date. School spirit (and rules against boy to boy touching/rubbing) be damned!
I started the evening much like my male floormates did. I went and bought flowers and made sure they were pretty. I picked out a cute outfit. It was a blue stripped sweater from express that was really uncomfortable to wear... but I looked really hot in. Because I had already graduated from the university of good looking. (location: pretty town, better than everyone else, USA) And then I took a shower.
Here is the thing about communal showers in college. You see a lot of penis. I could go into much detail about this... about the homo eroticism of 6 men lathering next to each other. About how this visual haunted my closeted dreams. About the lingering looks and such. But I feel thats pretty well worn territory. And if you really want that... theres like soooo much communal shower gay porn... BELIEVE ME.
So while my heterosexual friends were shaving and spraying on axe. (judged) I was right there with them listening to them talk about the girls they were taking to the dance while they heterocentrically assumed I was doing the same thing. Little did they know that there would be no lady lips (face or otherwise) involved in my evening.
So I placed the flowers in the car and picked him up from his dorm room. See I am a gentelman. Or I used to be. I think being classy and considerate are skills that were once prominent and now only re-surface when I meet husband potential. The 2 dollar trick from the gay club ain't gettin the door opened for him. And we went off to dinner at Ruby Tuesday's. Ok I know its not fancy, but I'm a poor college student and we lived in bumble fuck... and we were in love. As long as we got to be together it didn't really matter where we went.
He loved the flowers and we spent the meal looking into each other's eyes. Our waitress totes knew what was up and loved us for it. Old waitresses really like young gay couples, I've learned. I think it has to do with some old lady math equation dealing with sass and cute. I don't know the specifics.
After dinner we drove back to the empty campus. He had to throw the flowers away, which I find this really sad and symbolic moment when I think about it now. He was too scared that one of his roommates would ask about them, so it was easier to let them go than face questions. I completely understood at the time and its shocking to me that we were so afraid of being found out. We were living our lives in secret and things that should have been celebrated we had to keep quiet. It was a lot to handle.
SAD DEPRESSING MOMENT OVER.
We made it back to my dorm room and watched Saved! That movie always makes me cry. Christian boy accepting himself as gay? I can probably recite that monologue from memory. No. Not probably. I can. Of course there were plenty of make outs, because when you've spent 18 years of your life NOT kissing boys... it is something you tend to like to do when you finally get the chance.
I loved Steve a lot. He was my first. This post is definitely more sentimental that I like to get, but I want to honor him and what we had. Plus my first real gay date was a significant moment. Thanks for letting me share it :)
Names have been changed to protect... oh who am I kidding. It's Steve Kirsch.
Name of Date: The First
Date #: 1
Looks Like: Your first love
Age: 18
Occupation: College Freshmen
Where We Met: In the theatre hallway at my college waiting to audition for our fall musical; The Civil War. We spent two months being "best friends" which included sleep overs and snuggling (I'll take deep denial for $800, Alex.) until we finally kissed and become boyfriends.
What Happened: So it was the evening of my school's christmas tradition... which is this dance or something. I never went in all the 4 years I attended. In fact I only went to one school dance my whole time there... which was with a boy, actually. (see And Isn't it Ironic?)
However at this point The First and I were so afraid of getting hate crimed we'd have never done anything as bold as that. For serious. I spent a lot of time imagining graphic beatings and homophobic slurs. Coming out be hard, yo. So INSTEAD we decided we would go on our first real date. School spirit (and rules against boy to boy touching/rubbing) be damned!
I started the evening much like my male floormates did. I went and bought flowers and made sure they were pretty. I picked out a cute outfit. It was a blue stripped sweater from express that was really uncomfortable to wear... but I looked really hot in. Because I had already graduated from the university of good looking. (location: pretty town, better than everyone else, USA) And then I took a shower.
Here is the thing about communal showers in college. You see a lot of penis. I could go into much detail about this... about the homo eroticism of 6 men lathering next to each other. About how this visual haunted my closeted dreams. About the lingering looks and such. But I feel thats pretty well worn territory. And if you really want that... theres like soooo much communal shower gay porn... BELIEVE ME.
So while my heterosexual friends were shaving and spraying on axe. (judged) I was right there with them listening to them talk about the girls they were taking to the dance while they heterocentrically assumed I was doing the same thing. Little did they know that there would be no lady lips (face or otherwise) involved in my evening.
So I placed the flowers in the car and picked him up from his dorm room. See I am a gentelman. Or I used to be. I think being classy and considerate are skills that were once prominent and now only re-surface when I meet husband potential. The 2 dollar trick from the gay club ain't gettin the door opened for him. And we went off to dinner at Ruby Tuesday's. Ok I know its not fancy, but I'm a poor college student and we lived in bumble fuck... and we were in love. As long as we got to be together it didn't really matter where we went.
He loved the flowers and we spent the meal looking into each other's eyes. Our waitress totes knew what was up and loved us for it. Old waitresses really like young gay couples, I've learned. I think it has to do with some old lady math equation dealing with sass and cute. I don't know the specifics.
After dinner we drove back to the empty campus. He had to throw the flowers away, which I find this really sad and symbolic moment when I think about it now. He was too scared that one of his roommates would ask about them, so it was easier to let them go than face questions. I completely understood at the time and its shocking to me that we were so afraid of being found out. We were living our lives in secret and things that should have been celebrated we had to keep quiet. It was a lot to handle.
SAD DEPRESSING MOMENT OVER.
We made it back to my dorm room and watched Saved! That movie always makes me cry. Christian boy accepting himself as gay? I can probably recite that monologue from memory. No. Not probably. I can. Of course there were plenty of make outs, because when you've spent 18 years of your life NOT kissing boys... it is something you tend to like to do when you finally get the chance.
I loved Steve a lot. He was my first. This post is definitely more sentimental that I like to get, but I want to honor him and what we had. Plus my first real gay date was a significant moment. Thanks for letting me share it :)
Friday, November 27, 2009
Pre-GAY-ming
Sometimes I go on dates without realizing it.
Names have been changed to protect the secure in his sexuality.
Name of Date: The Introduction
Date #: 1
Looks Like: A dancing nazi chorus boy from The Sound of Music
Age: 16 (DON'T FREAK. I WAS 18 AT THE TIME! THIS IS A NO PEDO-ZONE!)
Occupation: High School Student
Where We Met: I went to see a production of Kiss Me Kate and he was the lead. We met afterward.
What Happened: Ok so back in my "straight" days, I had this one occurence where I went on a date with a guy but didn't realize it. I mean I probably knew subconciously, but I totes denied it in my minds. Anyway we met after the show he was in, and I thought he was insanely talented. Homo has always been attracted to talent. Although at this point I would never have classified it as attraction. I was just drawn to him.
So we exchanged e-mail addresses (this was before facebook, y'alls) and aim sn. (this was also before everyone had a cellphone, for reals, dark ages) We would chat casually online, although I never encouraged anything because I had been informed that he was gay. He was actually probably the first out person I had ever met. I lived a very sheltered life where the concept of homosexual was painted like a diseased hoodlum who would rape you before saying hello. (Although with some hot messes, this be the case). Also I had a girlfriend.
So we chatted. And decided to "hang out" one night. We'd meet for dinner. O'Charley's. My Fav. Don't even pretend you don't love those rolls. If I'mma make myself fat from devil carbs, Its gonna be with O'Charley's rolls.
So I show up and Its been about 2 weeks since I've seen the show. I don't honestly remember what he looks like. (Remember pre-facebook). So I am sitting there in the waiting area. And there is another guy there who could have been him, but I'm not sure. I suddenly have a panic attack. Is this him? What do I say? Am I a jerk for not recognizing him? What If I say "Hey" and its not and the guy thinks I'm gay?!?! AHHHH NOT DATING BOYS IS HAAAARRRD.
So we honestly both sit there for 5 minutes before he gets up and says "Tim?" And I say, yes. Apparently neither of us could remember what the other looked like. That doesn't make it better, but it made it less awkward. Also I didn't feel pretty. And I hate that feeling.
We had a nice dinner and chat. Nothing eventful there. I had assumed I'd pay my check and then go home. But something weird came over me. I grabbed for the check and not only paid for my meal, but his as well. I don't know why. It was instict. Something deep down and inherent told me I should. My head brain was confused.
Then instead of getting in my car and driving home, he suggested we get in HIS car and drive around. And I agreed. It was like my future self took over and my body was on auto pilot. It knew to continue without me having to think. Welcome to Homo-Land! Admission: Me. We drove around listening to showtunes. WE DROVE AROUND LISTENING TO SHOWTUNES. If gay had been a snake it would have bitten me. Then blown me.
He took me back to my car and presented me with a mix cd he had made for me. He made me a present. It was at this moment and only this moment that I realized... he liked me. My brain freaked out. It was like Anna Nicole Smith trying to leave a party. "Oh I just.. thank you.. its... i need to... pretty... woooo.... my car... leave... come here...get outta my hairspace! " fall on my face and pass out. Well not that part. But almost. It was too much too soon. I had to shut it down lest he think I was gay and felt the same way. OH THE HORROR! I made a hasty exit and spent the next few weeks obsessing over what happened.
Gained Points for: Being my shipra, unknowingly
Lost Points for: The Mix CD. Moving way tooooo fast. If you'da slowed down I might have come out MUCH earlier.
Mistakes I Made: Not realizing that a gay boy who wanted to go to dinner with me would assume this would be a date.
Chances for Another Date: I was waaaay too nervous.
Overall Grade: B
Names have been changed to protect the secure in his sexuality.
Name of Date: The Introduction
Date #: 1
Looks Like: A dancing nazi chorus boy from The Sound of Music
Age: 16 (DON'T FREAK. I WAS 18 AT THE TIME! THIS IS A NO PEDO-ZONE!)
Occupation: High School Student
Where We Met: I went to see a production of Kiss Me Kate and he was the lead. We met afterward.
What Happened: Ok so back in my "straight" days, I had this one occurence where I went on a date with a guy but didn't realize it. I mean I probably knew subconciously, but I totes denied it in my minds. Anyway we met after the show he was in, and I thought he was insanely talented. Homo has always been attracted to talent. Although at this point I would never have classified it as attraction. I was just drawn to him.
So we exchanged e-mail addresses (this was before facebook, y'alls) and aim sn. (this was also before everyone had a cellphone, for reals, dark ages) We would chat casually online, although I never encouraged anything because I had been informed that he was gay. He was actually probably the first out person I had ever met. I lived a very sheltered life where the concept of homosexual was painted like a diseased hoodlum who would rape you before saying hello. (Although with some hot messes, this be the case). Also I had a girlfriend.
So we chatted. And decided to "hang out" one night. We'd meet for dinner. O'Charley's. My Fav. Don't even pretend you don't love those rolls. If I'mma make myself fat from devil carbs, Its gonna be with O'Charley's rolls.
So I show up and Its been about 2 weeks since I've seen the show. I don't honestly remember what he looks like. (Remember pre-facebook). So I am sitting there in the waiting area. And there is another guy there who could have been him, but I'm not sure. I suddenly have a panic attack. Is this him? What do I say? Am I a jerk for not recognizing him? What If I say "Hey" and its not and the guy thinks I'm gay?!?! AHHHH NOT DATING BOYS IS HAAAARRRD.
So we honestly both sit there for 5 minutes before he gets up and says "Tim?" And I say, yes. Apparently neither of us could remember what the other looked like. That doesn't make it better, but it made it less awkward. Also I didn't feel pretty. And I hate that feeling.
We had a nice dinner and chat. Nothing eventful there. I had assumed I'd pay my check and then go home. But something weird came over me. I grabbed for the check and not only paid for my meal, but his as well. I don't know why. It was instict. Something deep down and inherent told me I should. My head brain was confused.
Then instead of getting in my car and driving home, he suggested we get in HIS car and drive around. And I agreed. It was like my future self took over and my body was on auto pilot. It knew to continue without me having to think. Welcome to Homo-Land! Admission: Me. We drove around listening to showtunes. WE DROVE AROUND LISTENING TO SHOWTUNES. If gay had been a snake it would have bitten me. Then blown me.
He took me back to my car and presented me with a mix cd he had made for me. He made me a present. It was at this moment and only this moment that I realized... he liked me. My brain freaked out. It was like Anna Nicole Smith trying to leave a party. "Oh I just.. thank you.. its... i need to... pretty... woooo.... my car... leave... come here...get outta my hairspace! " fall on my face and pass out. Well not that part. But almost. It was too much too soon. I had to shut it down lest he think I was gay and felt the same way. OH THE HORROR! I made a hasty exit and spent the next few weeks obsessing over what happened.
Gained Points for: Being my shipra, unknowingly
Lost Points for: The Mix CD. Moving way tooooo fast. If you'da slowed down I might have come out MUCH earlier.
Mistakes I Made: Not realizing that a gay boy who wanted to go to dinner with me would assume this would be a date.
Chances for Another Date: I was waaaay too nervous.
Overall Grade: B
Friday, November 13, 2009
Date of Fate
Sometimes you go into the store looking for one thing, and come out with something completely different.
Names have been changed to protect the drunk gay youth.
Name of Date: 1-800-JUST-18
Date #: 1
Looks Like: An All-American Twink.
Age: JUST 18
Occupation: Recent High School Graduate
Where we met: On our first date. It just kinda happened.
What Happened: So I met this random loser at a club one night and we exchanged numbers. For about a week we send flirty texts back and forth like "you think you can handle me?" "oh i know i can" you know. asanine shit like that. things that make me wanna strangle a woodland creature when my phone beeps, but if it gets me closer to some hey-girl-hey... i'll play along.
One night he mentions that he is heading to the club and I should "meet him there." I honestly have nothing else to do and making out on the dance floor sounds like a pretty good option. I mean you guys know I like to keep it classy. So I head over there and he's surrounded by this group of gorgeous girls who are grinding up on him.
Great. The only thing I hate more than the fundamentalist agenda... are ditzy fag hags. Shut up and go blow someone will you? You're only friends with a gay guy so that you have someone who is sluttier than you to compare yourself to. He is only there so that you don't feel like the hot mess you are. Take your skinny jeans and bump-its to the straight bar. Thank you.
So we are all dancing. Or rather I'm trying to dance with him but clueless bitches keep getting in the way. I finally give up and just stop. Thats when 1-800-JUST-18 walks in and struts right up to loser-face and begins dancing with him. Um, excuse me? You invite me out and then grind up all on some other guy. A guy I don't even know? Thanks for showing what a ho-bag you are. So I'm seething and am 20 seconds away from leaving but 1-800-JUST-18 keeps eyeing me. Apparently he has no issues with being second fiddle. Thats when I rang the dinner bell for sloppy seconds.
We begin with some casual convo about who he is, why he is here [Apparently Professor i'm-a-skanky-slut-tease texted every gay guy in his phone and asked them to meet him there that night. We just both fell for the attention. Like most pretty gays.] and other get to know you type things. All yelled over the romantic booming of "Blame It."
Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-a-a-awkward circumstance.
Oh also. He is 18. Like as in just turned. Which is why his name is 1-800-JUST-18. I usually am not a creepy old man. I have no desire to be a "daddy" or "older bro." (ugh why are gay terms familial and incestual? that or named after gross animals "piggy" "bear" etc. can we as a community change this please?) but I want it and he seemed into me. Hey sometimes I'm manipulate younger guys! I wanted to encourage this behavior so I told him to wash of the "under 21" X on his hand in the bathroom so he could order drinks. He did. It worked. I helped the youth of America.
We dance. We grind. We grope. It is the way of the homosexual. Our mating rituals differ slightly from the heterosexual in that both partners may sexily undulate their bodies. This is not preferable with breeders. Little known fact... it is discouraged.
I figure its time to ask the trashiest question ever: "Do you want to get out of here?"
He nods but says that he wants to stay a little bit longer. I'm ok with that because I've at least locked in some makeouts. I'll put up with another 20 minutes of this place for that.
.... Those 20 minutes pass. I ask if he is ready to go yet. He pulls me outside for some air. We sit down at a table and the ringing in my ears is deafening. He is clearly drunk and drenched in sweat and I can tell he has no intention of going anywhere. He answers are short and he doesn't make eye contact. I have blown the easiest thing ever. Taking home a drunk 18 year old? Thats college 101. Thats your midterm. I failed. And I'm 24. I might as well join the color guard.
So after two denials I flat out say: "Ok I'm gonna go. You coming with me or not?" He nods and says goodbye to his friends. Oh. I did something right? Fucking Finally. This night would have been a a huge effing waste of time otherwise. I mean the place had no cover and going home alone ensures no chance of catching a std. who wants a night like that?
We get in my car and I ask "your place or mine?" he says. or rather slurs "wherever we go, i'm gonna spend the night there." Clazzy. Y'all know how I feel about direct bitches. I love it so much. I figure we'll do his place since I don't want vomit on my bed and if he's cray-cray he won't know where I live. When we get there its actually this really nice house that he's sharing with some other college kids. Way to go, twinkie.
We flop down onto his bed and begin talking about things and find out we have a lot in common. This clearly leads to make outs. Which clearly leads to the loss of some clothes. He stops me after a while and its clear he is too tired because he has to work at coldstone the next day. Awwwww. Youngins. We end up going to bed and not much else happens. In the morning I kiss him goodbye and get his number. He was sweet and fun and even though he is 6 years younger and a potential hot mess in bag, I think I like him. I'll play along for another date.
Gained Points for: Paying attention to me
Lost Points for: Not leaving with me the first time.
Mistakes I Made: Not having a contact case/solution in my car for impromptu sleepovers.
Chances for Another Date: Pretty good. I mean he is cute. And made out with me. Thats worth another one right there.
Overall Grade: B+
Names have been changed to protect the drunk gay youth.
Name of Date: 1-800-JUST-18
Date #: 1
Looks Like: An All-American Twink.
Age: JUST 18
Occupation: Recent High School Graduate
Where we met: On our first date. It just kinda happened.
What Happened: So I met this random loser at a club one night and we exchanged numbers. For about a week we send flirty texts back and forth like "you think you can handle me?" "oh i know i can" you know. asanine shit like that. things that make me wanna strangle a woodland creature when my phone beeps, but if it gets me closer to some hey-girl-hey... i'll play along.
One night he mentions that he is heading to the club and I should "meet him there." I honestly have nothing else to do and making out on the dance floor sounds like a pretty good option. I mean you guys know I like to keep it classy. So I head over there and he's surrounded by this group of gorgeous girls who are grinding up on him.
Great. The only thing I hate more than the fundamentalist agenda... are ditzy fag hags. Shut up and go blow someone will you? You're only friends with a gay guy so that you have someone who is sluttier than you to compare yourself to. He is only there so that you don't feel like the hot mess you are. Take your skinny jeans and bump-its to the straight bar. Thank you.
So we are all dancing. Or rather I'm trying to dance with him but clueless bitches keep getting in the way. I finally give up and just stop. Thats when 1-800-JUST-18 walks in and struts right up to loser-face and begins dancing with him. Um, excuse me? You invite me out and then grind up all on some other guy. A guy I don't even know? Thanks for showing what a ho-bag you are. So I'm seething and am 20 seconds away from leaving but 1-800-JUST-18 keeps eyeing me. Apparently he has no issues with being second fiddle. Thats when I rang the dinner bell for sloppy seconds.
We begin with some casual convo about who he is, why he is here [Apparently Professor i'm-a-skanky-slut-tease texted every gay guy in his phone and asked them to meet him there that night. We just both fell for the attention. Like most pretty gays.] and other get to know you type things. All yelled over the romantic booming of "Blame It."
Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-a-a-awkward circumstance.
Oh also. He is 18. Like as in just turned. Which is why his name is 1-800-JUST-18. I usually am not a creepy old man. I have no desire to be a "daddy" or "older bro." (ugh why are gay terms familial and incestual? that or named after gross animals "piggy" "bear" etc. can we as a community change this please?) but I want it and he seemed into me. Hey sometimes I'm manipulate younger guys! I wanted to encourage this behavior so I told him to wash of the "under 21" X on his hand in the bathroom so he could order drinks. He did. It worked. I helped the youth of America.
We dance. We grind. We grope. It is the way of the homosexual. Our mating rituals differ slightly from the heterosexual in that both partners may sexily undulate their bodies. This is not preferable with breeders. Little known fact... it is discouraged.
I figure its time to ask the trashiest question ever: "Do you want to get out of here?"
He nods but says that he wants to stay a little bit longer. I'm ok with that because I've at least locked in some makeouts. I'll put up with another 20 minutes of this place for that.
.... Those 20 minutes pass. I ask if he is ready to go yet. He pulls me outside for some air. We sit down at a table and the ringing in my ears is deafening. He is clearly drunk and drenched in sweat and I can tell he has no intention of going anywhere. He answers are short and he doesn't make eye contact. I have blown the easiest thing ever. Taking home a drunk 18 year old? Thats college 101. Thats your midterm. I failed. And I'm 24. I might as well join the color guard.
So after two denials I flat out say: "Ok I'm gonna go. You coming with me or not?" He nods and says goodbye to his friends. Oh. I did something right? Fucking Finally. This night would have been a a huge effing waste of time otherwise. I mean the place had no cover and going home alone ensures no chance of catching a std. who wants a night like that?
We get in my car and I ask "your place or mine?" he says. or rather slurs "wherever we go, i'm gonna spend the night there." Clazzy. Y'all know how I feel about direct bitches. I love it so much. I figure we'll do his place since I don't want vomit on my bed and if he's cray-cray he won't know where I live. When we get there its actually this really nice house that he's sharing with some other college kids. Way to go, twinkie.
We flop down onto his bed and begin talking about things and find out we have a lot in common. This clearly leads to make outs. Which clearly leads to the loss of some clothes. He stops me after a while and its clear he is too tired because he has to work at coldstone the next day. Awwwww. Youngins. We end up going to bed and not much else happens. In the morning I kiss him goodbye and get his number. He was sweet and fun and even though he is 6 years younger and a potential hot mess in bag, I think I like him. I'll play along for another date.
Gained Points for: Paying attention to me
Lost Points for: Not leaving with me the first time.
Mistakes I Made: Not having a contact case/solution in my car for impromptu sleepovers.
Chances for Another Date: Pretty good. I mean he is cute. And made out with me. Thats worth another one right there.
Overall Grade: B+
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Pseudo Prince Charming
Sometimes you get really really close.
Names have been changed to protect the fleeting.
Name of Date: The Hottest Guy There
Date #: 2-ish?
Title of Last Date: Date #4 in Speed Dating Extravaganza
Amount of Time Between Dates: 3 Days
What Happened: So after an incredibly enchanting ten minutes with THGT I had pretty much decided he was my soul mate. I mean he was hot, had a great job, was interesting, was hot, seemed to be into me, beautiful smile, was hot and was really hot. I eagerly awaited our evening together since I had told him I loved scrabble and he said we should play together. I may or may not have been too excited about lettered tiles. Hint: I was. But then I could spell out cute things like. "hi babe" and "do me."
We met up at an irish pub for a drink. Actually wait. Strike that. We didn't meet up. He came to my house and he WALKED ME THERE. Just like a gentleman. His pretty shoes were clicking on brick sidewalks the whole way there. The air was crisp. It was just like a movie. I wanted to stop and kiss him right then and there.
At the pub we both ordered the same cided. Adorable, no? It is. Don't even act like it isn't. We spend an hour chatting about our lives. I really got to know him and he's so interesting and mature and hot and basically... wonderful. I'm all caught up in the potential prince charming that I don't even care that his friends are texting him incessantly. He excuses them and says they want to meet up. Perhaps dinner and then going to see a band play?
My heart was set on scrabble. And alone time with THGT. I didn't want to spend the evening with his gaggle of gays. All their judging eyes. OR all their jealous eyes I should say. YOU KNOW a group of gay friends is always going to look at the one their friend is dating and think one of two things
a. hot mess
b. i wanna ride
Plus I didn't feel like being the 5th wheel to Carrie Samantha Charlotte and the lezzie.
There is no nice way to say "No. I don't want to hang out with other homos tonight. Just you." So I said something like "Well, we'll see... I might get tired and I dunno how much I want to commit to..."
It was at this point that he looked at me dead in the eye and said: "No matter what happens tonight, you are coming home with me at the end of the evening."
uh.... HELLS YES. I don't know about you bitches but that kind of straighforward-ownership-gonna-screw-you-good talk really REALLY gets me going. I love when a guy can be direct. I mean it didn't hurt that I was hardcore feeling him already. I took a sip of my drink and tried to hide my quivering legs as I whispered. "Well as long as I'm going home with you... I don't care what we do."
So we go to (one of my favorite restaurants actually) and meet his friends there for dinner. They are all less attractive than him and me so I'm geussing they're all thinking option B and secretly hating THGT... but given they're looks I'm sure thats not an uncommon feeling. I'm the center of attention for a while and find great joy in calling out one of his friends for being slutty after he told a story. The guy looked scandalized that I'd say that after first meeting him, but he deserved it. And THGT just laughed and squeezed my hand. I could tell he liked it. Yeah. Take that judgey posse!!! Don't mess with the gay bull cause you get the tastefully decorated horns!
(is that even possible? i'm not gonna think about it)
The focus quickly turned off of me when another one of the guys there realized he'd hooked up with our waiter. Why am I not surprised?
After dinner we head to some lesbian place to hear this band play. I've had about 3 drinks at this point and THGT is at about 6 or 7. I can tell he's feeling the affect of alcohol in the sleepy type way. I can see my crazy night of love making passing before my eyes... so I drag him out of there and tell him its time to go home. His drunken ass somehow gets us home and oh man... his place is GORGEOUS. Like I want to move in right away. Its pretty much everything I could ever want in a condo. He pulls out a guest toothbrush for me, along with several other toiletries. I should take note that the fact that he has these readily available means that he does this a lot... but... I really don't care.
We crawl into bed and he has is laptop out saying we should watch a tv show. Um. TV show? I'm in your bed in my underwear there is no need for pretense here... just take them off with your teeth and get to business, geez!!! But he is committed to this tv watching charade. I snuggle up next to him and let it last about 6-ish minutes before I begin nibbling on his ear. 30 seconds later the laptop is gone and I'm on top of him. yessss.
Ok so here is where it gets weird. He doesn't want to kiss me. Like... he will, but only pecks. Nothing deep or passionate. And if I try he clenches his mouth. I had no idea why but its really sad because I feel that kissing is one of the most sensual parts of sex. Maybe he's Pretty Woman-ing this ish and I need figure out how much to leave on the nightstand. Well we have an excellent romp and fall asleep and even have a round 2 at 6am. I love that. Its just... theres no kissing. And I am confused.
The next morning I tell him I need to be getting back (which I actually feel guilty about. I didn't want to wake him up.) but it was the truth, I needed to meet someone. Now I'm all gross and bed-heady and wearing yesterdays clothes. The NOBLE thing to do would be to just drive me home in whatever pjs you got on. But no... THGT needs to keep up appearances so he takes a shower (while I wait) picks out clothes (while I wait) and primps (while I wait) and hour later and we're finally leaving.
On the ride back I'm confused but not entirely turned off. We make casual small talk and I hint at the possibility of another date. He very slyly changes the topic after a quick "Yeah.. maybe." And I know its all over. I mean I can't blame him though. He is THGT. He's probably got too many guys to go sweep off their feet.
He drops me off at home and kisses me hard and real for the first time. I watch him drive away. I'm sad but just like the Baker's Wife said "it was just a moment in the woods."
Gained Points for: Being direct.... swooooon!
Lost Points for: Not falling madly in love with me
Mistakes I Made: Letting him drink so much?
Chances for another date: I mean I'm not gonna wait by my phone... wait.. did he just text me??!? no... nevermind.
Overall Grade: B
Names have been changed to protect the fleeting.
Name of Date: The Hottest Guy There
Date #: 2-ish?
Title of Last Date: Date #4 in Speed Dating Extravaganza
Amount of Time Between Dates: 3 Days
What Happened: So after an incredibly enchanting ten minutes with THGT I had pretty much decided he was my soul mate. I mean he was hot, had a great job, was interesting, was hot, seemed to be into me, beautiful smile, was hot and was really hot. I eagerly awaited our evening together since I had told him I loved scrabble and he said we should play together. I may or may not have been too excited about lettered tiles. Hint: I was. But then I could spell out cute things like. "hi babe" and "do me."
We met up at an irish pub for a drink. Actually wait. Strike that. We didn't meet up. He came to my house and he WALKED ME THERE. Just like a gentleman. His pretty shoes were clicking on brick sidewalks the whole way there. The air was crisp. It was just like a movie. I wanted to stop and kiss him right then and there.
At the pub we both ordered the same cided. Adorable, no? It is. Don't even act like it isn't. We spend an hour chatting about our lives. I really got to know him and he's so interesting and mature and hot and basically... wonderful. I'm all caught up in the potential prince charming that I don't even care that his friends are texting him incessantly. He excuses them and says they want to meet up. Perhaps dinner and then going to see a band play?
My heart was set on scrabble. And alone time with THGT. I didn't want to spend the evening with his gaggle of gays. All their judging eyes. OR all their jealous eyes I should say. YOU KNOW a group of gay friends is always going to look at the one their friend is dating and think one of two things
a. hot mess
b. i wanna ride
Plus I didn't feel like being the 5th wheel to Carrie Samantha Charlotte and the lezzie.
There is no nice way to say "No. I don't want to hang out with other homos tonight. Just you." So I said something like "Well, we'll see... I might get tired and I dunno how much I want to commit to..."
It was at this point that he looked at me dead in the eye and said: "No matter what happens tonight, you are coming home with me at the end of the evening."
uh.... HELLS YES. I don't know about you bitches but that kind of straighforward-ownership-gonna-screw-you-good talk really REALLY gets me going. I love when a guy can be direct. I mean it didn't hurt that I was hardcore feeling him already. I took a sip of my drink and tried to hide my quivering legs as I whispered. "Well as long as I'm going home with you... I don't care what we do."
So we go to (one of my favorite restaurants actually) and meet his friends there for dinner. They are all less attractive than him and me so I'm geussing they're all thinking option B and secretly hating THGT... but given they're looks I'm sure thats not an uncommon feeling. I'm the center of attention for a while and find great joy in calling out one of his friends for being slutty after he told a story. The guy looked scandalized that I'd say that after first meeting him, but he deserved it. And THGT just laughed and squeezed my hand. I could tell he liked it. Yeah. Take that judgey posse!!! Don't mess with the gay bull cause you get the tastefully decorated horns!
(is that even possible? i'm not gonna think about it)
The focus quickly turned off of me when another one of the guys there realized he'd hooked up with our waiter. Why am I not surprised?
After dinner we head to some lesbian place to hear this band play. I've had about 3 drinks at this point and THGT is at about 6 or 7. I can tell he's feeling the affect of alcohol in the sleepy type way. I can see my crazy night of love making passing before my eyes... so I drag him out of there and tell him its time to go home. His drunken ass somehow gets us home and oh man... his place is GORGEOUS. Like I want to move in right away. Its pretty much everything I could ever want in a condo. He pulls out a guest toothbrush for me, along with several other toiletries. I should take note that the fact that he has these readily available means that he does this a lot... but... I really don't care.
We crawl into bed and he has is laptop out saying we should watch a tv show. Um. TV show? I'm in your bed in my underwear there is no need for pretense here... just take them off with your teeth and get to business, geez!!! But he is committed to this tv watching charade. I snuggle up next to him and let it last about 6-ish minutes before I begin nibbling on his ear. 30 seconds later the laptop is gone and I'm on top of him. yessss.
Ok so here is where it gets weird. He doesn't want to kiss me. Like... he will, but only pecks. Nothing deep or passionate. And if I try he clenches his mouth. I had no idea why but its really sad because I feel that kissing is one of the most sensual parts of sex. Maybe he's Pretty Woman-ing this ish and I need figure out how much to leave on the nightstand. Well we have an excellent romp and fall asleep and even have a round 2 at 6am. I love that. Its just... theres no kissing. And I am confused.
The next morning I tell him I need to be getting back (which I actually feel guilty about. I didn't want to wake him up.) but it was the truth, I needed to meet someone. Now I'm all gross and bed-heady and wearing yesterdays clothes. The NOBLE thing to do would be to just drive me home in whatever pjs you got on. But no... THGT needs to keep up appearances so he takes a shower (while I wait) picks out clothes (while I wait) and primps (while I wait) and hour later and we're finally leaving.
On the ride back I'm confused but not entirely turned off. We make casual small talk and I hint at the possibility of another date. He very slyly changes the topic after a quick "Yeah.. maybe." And I know its all over. I mean I can't blame him though. He is THGT. He's probably got too many guys to go sweep off their feet.
He drops me off at home and kisses me hard and real for the first time. I watch him drive away. I'm sad but just like the Baker's Wife said "it was just a moment in the woods."
Gained Points for: Being direct.... swooooon!
Lost Points for: Not falling madly in love with me
Mistakes I Made: Letting him drink so much?
Chances for another date: I mean I'm not gonna wait by my phone... wait.. did he just text me??!? no... nevermind.
Overall Grade: B
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
PROM IT!
This post was a special request. (Y'all can make those. p.s.) "hey timmy. i want you to write a post about a time you went on a date with a girl."
ewwwwwwww vaginas!!!! i heard some have teeth. gross me out!
Sometimes I used to be straight in high school.
Names have been changed to protect the female population.
Name of Date: Border Patrol (hey. every girl has to do her duty.)
Date #: 55? I dunno. She was my hs sweetheart. The Pacey to my Joey. The Ross to my Rachel. The Justin to my Kelly. (omgz we totes saw that movie too.)
Looks Like: The eldest duggar daughter.
Occupation: Being my girlfriend. duhhhh. she's a nurse now though. (dowwwwngrade)
Where We Met: Where any cofused closeted kid meets his naive and oblivious beard: drama class.
What Happened: Ok so this particular date that I'm going to re-tell for your reading pleasure took place the night of my senior prom. A story many of you have heard before, but it bears re-telling. Travel back with me won't you? To a more innocent time. Destiny's Child had not yet broken up. Ladies weren't yet wearing huge belts. My penis had not yet been touched by any other person.
The theme for prom was "A Night Among the Stars" or some other dippy thing like that. We were to have a red carpet. Oooooo. Thats a way to interest 17 year old narcissists; build an ego-centric evening around fake fame. I ate that shit up.
Border Patrol had been my steady for about 2 months so it was expected that we would attend together. I was so excited to go dress shopping with her. Let me repeat. I WAS SO EXCITED TO GO DRESS SHOPPING WITH HER. Bless her heart. We decided on a simple red dress which I would accent with a red vest underneath my two-button slimming, shoulder-widening tux. I knew I was going to be photgraphed that night.
Also. And much much much more importantly... I was on prom court. For some unknown reason the popularity gods smiled upon a young homo in training and allowed his name to appear on the ballot for the sought after position of "Prom King." I would rule fairly, I decided. Only execute the deserving and uphold the belief that all people were created equal... if not pretty.
I had done my best to campaign and made it excruciatingly clear to everyone that this ultimately unimportant (and admitedly 'gay') position was the one thing I desired more than anything else. Wearing a plastic crown and dancing a spotlight dance? My 18 year old heart burst with teen movie seuqences where this symbolic event would forever change my life and leave me with memories to last a lifetime. Cue "Only Time" by Enya.
So BP and I arrive at prom and she is looking lovely. I'm very happy that we are a hot couple. I mean looking hot at prom is kind of your only option. Why you wanna show up to the only interesting even in high school lookin' like a broke down ho? Thats right. You don't. I've seen some nasty-ass prom pictures. I wanted my prom pictures to last a lifetime. I was sure BP and I would be showing our kids.
Ew. sidenote. she wanted to name our son Blaine. ew. it would be condemning him to virginity forever.
"Nothing ever happens in Blaine"
So we cut a rug, get our pic taken, do all the normal prom things. The obligatory scream and hug when our friends enter. Let me repeat. The obligatory SCREAM (read squeal) and HUG when our friends entered.
Thank goodness Lady Gaga didn't exist at this point because if poker face had started playing any and all attemps at maintianing heterosezzuality would have been for naught. The gay gene would have taken over and I'd have been grinding with my shirt off and begging for glow sticks.
Then the big event came. No not me plunging into her murky depths. God no. As Margaret Cho likes to say... "Girl, I'm allergic."
No. It was time for them to announce who Prom King and Queen were. I was as nervous as any contestant on any reality tv show when it gets down to the final three. In my mind Tyra Banks stood before me only holding one headshot and glared fiercely. I became worried that I might trip at the finish line. Maybe I lost my neck. MAYBE MY SMIZE WERE NOT SMIZE-Y ENOUGH!!!!
Unfortunately, like all shakesperean tragedies... I was not crowned prom king. I bravely hid my tears in BP's shoulder while she tried her best to comfort me. The teacher in charge of prom called me over and attempted to make me feel better. She insisted "It was very close! You only lost by one vote!"
One vote. One lousy piece of paper between me and eternal glory. My name forever down as PROM KING SWGHS 20--. If only one more person had chosen to choose me my future would have been forever altered.
We left shortly after. Driving to the bowling alley to meet our friends for our post prom activity. There was no hotel in our future because we were good Christian kids waiting til marriage and I secretly had no desire to touch her boobs. I justified this in my mind and my supreme will power over (non-existant) sexual desires.
On the way to bowl the night away she could see the deep sadness and loss in my face. I smiled and told her that it didn't matter as long as she was mine. She looked at me longingly and with tears in her eyes whispered... "I love you." It was the first time she had ever said that to me and I believed her whole-heartedly and it was one of the most special moments of my life. She made the evening magical and meaningful. And I loved her too.
After makeouts and warm fuzzies I told her what the teacher said about me only losing by one vote and how silly that was. Her face fell. She spoke quickly and like a child who had broken a ming vase. " I wasn't going to say anything... but I forgot to vote."
BP giveth and BP taketh away. I tried hard not to be mad, but clearly the resentment lives on to this day.
Gained Points for: Being beautiful
Lost Points for: do I even have to say?
Mistakes I Made: treating prom king like it actually mattered... oh and dating a girl.
Chances for Another Date: well at the time she was my gf and I had 5 more months of being with her before I came to my gay senses.
Overall Grade: C
ewwwwwwww vaginas!!!! i heard some have teeth. gross me out!
Sometimes I used to be straight in high school.
Names have been changed to protect the female population.
Name of Date: Border Patrol (hey. every girl has to do her duty.)
Date #: 55? I dunno. She was my hs sweetheart. The Pacey to my Joey. The Ross to my Rachel. The Justin to my Kelly. (omgz we totes saw that movie too.)
Looks Like: The eldest duggar daughter.
Occupation: Being my girlfriend. duhhhh. she's a nurse now though. (dowwwwngrade)
Where We Met: Where any cofused closeted kid meets his naive and oblivious beard: drama class.
What Happened: Ok so this particular date that I'm going to re-tell for your reading pleasure took place the night of my senior prom. A story many of you have heard before, but it bears re-telling. Travel back with me won't you? To a more innocent time. Destiny's Child had not yet broken up. Ladies weren't yet wearing huge belts. My penis had not yet been touched by any other person.
The theme for prom was "A Night Among the Stars" or some other dippy thing like that. We were to have a red carpet. Oooooo. Thats a way to interest 17 year old narcissists; build an ego-centric evening around fake fame. I ate that shit up.
Border Patrol had been my steady for about 2 months so it was expected that we would attend together. I was so excited to go dress shopping with her. Let me repeat. I WAS SO EXCITED TO GO DRESS SHOPPING WITH HER. Bless her heart. We decided on a simple red dress which I would accent with a red vest underneath my two-button slimming, shoulder-widening tux. I knew I was going to be photgraphed that night.
Also. And much much much more importantly... I was on prom court. For some unknown reason the popularity gods smiled upon a young homo in training and allowed his name to appear on the ballot for the sought after position of "Prom King." I would rule fairly, I decided. Only execute the deserving and uphold the belief that all people were created equal... if not pretty.
I had done my best to campaign and made it excruciatingly clear to everyone that this ultimately unimportant (and admitedly 'gay') position was the one thing I desired more than anything else. Wearing a plastic crown and dancing a spotlight dance? My 18 year old heart burst with teen movie seuqences where this symbolic event would forever change my life and leave me with memories to last a lifetime. Cue "Only Time" by Enya.
So BP and I arrive at prom and she is looking lovely. I'm very happy that we are a hot couple. I mean looking hot at prom is kind of your only option. Why you wanna show up to the only interesting even in high school lookin' like a broke down ho? Thats right. You don't. I've seen some nasty-ass prom pictures. I wanted my prom pictures to last a lifetime. I was sure BP and I would be showing our kids.
Ew. sidenote. she wanted to name our son Blaine. ew. it would be condemning him to virginity forever.
"Nothing ever happens in Blaine"
So we cut a rug, get our pic taken, do all the normal prom things. The obligatory scream and hug when our friends enter. Let me repeat. The obligatory SCREAM (read squeal) and HUG when our friends entered.
Thank goodness Lady Gaga didn't exist at this point because if poker face had started playing any and all attemps at maintianing heterosezzuality would have been for naught. The gay gene would have taken over and I'd have been grinding with my shirt off and begging for glow sticks.
Then the big event came. No not me plunging into her murky depths. God no. As Margaret Cho likes to say... "Girl, I'm allergic."
No. It was time for them to announce who Prom King and Queen were. I was as nervous as any contestant on any reality tv show when it gets down to the final three. In my mind Tyra Banks stood before me only holding one headshot and glared fiercely. I became worried that I might trip at the finish line. Maybe I lost my neck. MAYBE MY SMIZE WERE NOT SMIZE-Y ENOUGH!!!!
Unfortunately, like all shakesperean tragedies... I was not crowned prom king. I bravely hid my tears in BP's shoulder while she tried her best to comfort me. The teacher in charge of prom called me over and attempted to make me feel better. She insisted "It was very close! You only lost by one vote!"
One vote. One lousy piece of paper between me and eternal glory. My name forever down as PROM KING SWGHS 20--. If only one more person had chosen to choose me my future would have been forever altered.
We left shortly after. Driving to the bowling alley to meet our friends for our post prom activity. There was no hotel in our future because we were good Christian kids waiting til marriage and I secretly had no desire to touch her boobs. I justified this in my mind and my supreme will power over (non-existant) sexual desires.
On the way to bowl the night away she could see the deep sadness and loss in my face. I smiled and told her that it didn't matter as long as she was mine. She looked at me longingly and with tears in her eyes whispered... "I love you." It was the first time she had ever said that to me and I believed her whole-heartedly and it was one of the most special moments of my life. She made the evening magical and meaningful. And I loved her too.
After makeouts and warm fuzzies I told her what the teacher said about me only losing by one vote and how silly that was. Her face fell. She spoke quickly and like a child who had broken a ming vase. " I wasn't going to say anything... but I forgot to vote."
BP giveth and BP taketh away. I tried hard not to be mad, but clearly the resentment lives on to this day.
Gained Points for: Being beautiful
Lost Points for: do I even have to say?
Mistakes I Made: treating prom king like it actually mattered... oh and dating a girl.
Chances for Another Date: well at the time she was my gf and I had 5 more months of being with her before I came to my gay senses.
Overall Grade: C
Friday, October 23, 2009
Odd
Sometimes I go on fucked up dates. Actually. Most of the time.
Names have been changed to protect the I can't make this stuff up.
Name of Date: Are You Kidding Me?
Date #: 1
Looks Like: J. Robert Spencer... kinda.
Age: 31
Occupation: Poet... for real-real. not for play-play.
Where We Met: Craigslist. Ok. OK! I'm a trashy ho. Get it out.
What Happened: So i met this dude on the CL. I was bored and lonely and placed an ad. NO! There was no picture of me naked attached and NO! I didn't suggest sex. I just wanted to meet a cool person and have a nice evening. He responded to my ad and didn't look like he was funna rape me... so I agreed to meet him.
We used my old standby... the meet for coffee. He lived about 30 minutes south of me so he suggested a place near him. I feel thats kinda lazy but I made the drive anyway because I'm desperate and pathetic.
I got there early because that is my MO. I gotta scope out the place make sure I find the best lighting and plan escape routes for if the date goes horribly wrong. So I'm sitting outside when this SUV is driving past and slows down. I wonder if its him, but two Laguna Beach bitches (OMGZ I kind of lovez Kristen) roll down the windows and whistle at me. Apparatenly I look not only hot but straight as well. Kudos, me. That or the gay gods were playing a cruel trick on these ladies. They roll on by and I wave goodbye to the symbolism of something that (in retrospect) would have made more sense that evening.
So AYKM shows up and is actually as cute as his picture. Thank goondess. There is little way to hide that disappointment. "Oh... so the tan gorgeous guy in the picture was just some random thing you put up to lure other tan gorgeous guys in?" "Did you just call me shallow?" "More importantly... am I pretty?"
Our conversation is rather pleasant. He tells me he is a poet and I find that super fascinating. We talk about my job and the usual get to know you type shit. After we sip our coffee, (Well... actually I got lemonade and he got green tea. Does that still count as a coffee date?) he suggests we go back to his place to hang out.
Bow chicka bow bow. his place. hang out. with out cocks out? who knows. Timmy might be getting a little heygirlhey. I'm diggin that idea so I ask if I should follow him. He says "Oh well. I don't have a car. My roommate dropped me off here. Could you drive us back?"
I took this to be a totally plausible and legit request. Oh poor innocent naive me. I should have run away.
On the drive back to his place he makes the confession that its not that he doesn't have a car. Its that he doesn't have a lisence. He has a fear of driving, actually. The reason he has a fear of driving? He's kind of maybe a little bit autisic?
I handle this information surprisingly well. I mean who am I to judge his fear....
Ok. I almost got through typing that without laughing. Of COURSE I am going to judge him. Its what I do. Its why y'all read this. And why y'all love me.
I mean not for his autism. Thats just mean.
And I'm not mean...
Ok. Again I almost go through typing that without laughing. I'm so Regina George.
Anyway. We get back to his place and I immediately can tell something is off. His roommate is home, who he introduces me to. He is a very nice and attractive guy. While he is giving me the tour of the place he shows me the bedroom. yes. THE bedroom. One bed. Gay Kama Sutra books on the shelf. And it alllll made sense why his "roommate" owns and drives the car.
So the "roommate" heads into the computer room and says he will turn on the music to give us our privacy. Apparently this dude is all aok with his man gettin cozy with this hottie. (Imagine me pointing to myself) Almost immediately I say "so... whats up with that?"
He confesses that they are indeed "together" but they have an "understanding." He goes into this long speech about they care deeply for each other but aren't compatible sexually or some bullshit like that. I nod like and idiot trying to take this whole situation. Then we start making out.
I was stunned and in shock. The autistic poet fear of driving open relationship guy made a move and I was defenseless! I mean he was a good kisser. But his bf was totes in the next room listening to techno music. Again. I am a trashy ho.
The evening ended. I will let you make your own assuptions. (see above) He walked me to the door and introduced me to the spider that lives on their porch. Which was the least werid event of the evening. And I drove home and immediately slapped myself. I am never going on CL again.
Gained Pointes for: Honesty
Lost Points for: Delayed honesty.
Mistakes I Made: Letting the evening progress past panera.
Chances for Another Date: I mean... If his bf is ok with it? NO! No I will not be that guy.
Overall Grade: D
Names have been changed to protect the I can't make this stuff up.
Name of Date: Are You Kidding Me?
Date #: 1
Looks Like: J. Robert Spencer... kinda.
Age: 31
Occupation: Poet... for real-real. not for play-play.
Where We Met: Craigslist. Ok. OK! I'm a trashy ho. Get it out.
What Happened: So i met this dude on the CL. I was bored and lonely and placed an ad. NO! There was no picture of me naked attached and NO! I didn't suggest sex. I just wanted to meet a cool person and have a nice evening. He responded to my ad and didn't look like he was funna rape me... so I agreed to meet him.
We used my old standby... the meet for coffee. He lived about 30 minutes south of me so he suggested a place near him. I feel thats kinda lazy but I made the drive anyway because I'm desperate and pathetic.
I got there early because that is my MO. I gotta scope out the place make sure I find the best lighting and plan escape routes for if the date goes horribly wrong. So I'm sitting outside when this SUV is driving past and slows down. I wonder if its him, but two Laguna Beach bitches (OMGZ I kind of lovez Kristen) roll down the windows and whistle at me. Apparatenly I look not only hot but straight as well. Kudos, me. That or the gay gods were playing a cruel trick on these ladies. They roll on by and I wave goodbye to the symbolism of something that (in retrospect) would have made more sense that evening.
So AYKM shows up and is actually as cute as his picture. Thank goondess. There is little way to hide that disappointment. "Oh... so the tan gorgeous guy in the picture was just some random thing you put up to lure other tan gorgeous guys in?" "Did you just call me shallow?" "More importantly... am I pretty?"
Our conversation is rather pleasant. He tells me he is a poet and I find that super fascinating. We talk about my job and the usual get to know you type shit. After we sip our coffee, (Well... actually I got lemonade and he got green tea. Does that still count as a coffee date?) he suggests we go back to his place to hang out.
Bow chicka bow bow. his place. hang out. with out cocks out? who knows. Timmy might be getting a little heygirlhey. I'm diggin that idea so I ask if I should follow him. He says "Oh well. I don't have a car. My roommate dropped me off here. Could you drive us back?"
I took this to be a totally plausible and legit request. Oh poor innocent naive me. I should have run away.
On the drive back to his place he makes the confession that its not that he doesn't have a car. Its that he doesn't have a lisence. He has a fear of driving, actually. The reason he has a fear of driving? He's kind of maybe a little bit autisic?
I handle this information surprisingly well. I mean who am I to judge his fear....
Ok. I almost got through typing that without laughing. Of COURSE I am going to judge him. Its what I do. Its why y'all read this. And why y'all love me.
I mean not for his autism. Thats just mean.
And I'm not mean...
Ok. Again I almost go through typing that without laughing. I'm so Regina George.
Anyway. We get back to his place and I immediately can tell something is off. His roommate is home, who he introduces me to. He is a very nice and attractive guy. While he is giving me the tour of the place he shows me the bedroom. yes. THE bedroom. One bed. Gay Kama Sutra books on the shelf. And it alllll made sense why his "roommate" owns and drives the car.
So the "roommate" heads into the computer room and says he will turn on the music to give us our privacy. Apparently this dude is all aok with his man gettin cozy with this hottie. (Imagine me pointing to myself) Almost immediately I say "so... whats up with that?"
He confesses that they are indeed "together" but they have an "understanding." He goes into this long speech about they care deeply for each other but aren't compatible sexually or some bullshit like that. I nod like and idiot trying to take this whole situation. Then we start making out.
I was stunned and in shock. The autistic poet fear of driving open relationship guy made a move and I was defenseless! I mean he was a good kisser. But his bf was totes in the next room listening to techno music. Again. I am a trashy ho.
The evening ended. I will let you make your own assuptions. (see above) He walked me to the door and introduced me to the spider that lives on their porch. Which was the least werid event of the evening. And I drove home and immediately slapped myself. I am never going on CL again.
Gained Pointes for: Honesty
Lost Points for: Delayed honesty.
Mistakes I Made: Letting the evening progress past panera.
Chances for Another Date: I mean... If his bf is ok with it? NO! No I will not be that guy.
Overall Grade: D
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Dawson's Creek S07E706
Sometimes my life is like a tv show
Names have been changed to protect the guy who made me CRY
Name of Date: High Hopes
Date #: 1
Looks Like: A cute supporting character on a mid-ninties WB teen drama.
Age: 24
Occupation: Youth Director/(Accom)Pianist
Where We Met: He was playing the piano for a round of auditions that I happened to be attending. We met. Chatted. Flirted. And I facebook stalked the second that I got home.
What Happened: So after nearly a month of e-mailing, facebooking and aim flirting we finally found a time to make this date happen. I was so excited because I thought he was pretty much perfect for me. He made me laugh, he was super cute, and I didn't meet him online or sleep with him within 72 hours of our introduction. Things were looking pretty good. SO good, in fact, that I'd already planned out how our relationship was going to work.
You see, he lived 2 hours from me. I would use one of my days off every other week to go visit him and vice versa. We'd get to spend one day (and night) together a week and it'd be perfect. Then we'd probably move to MA and get married and watch a lot of tv on DVD.
Anyway, I was flying back from a vacation and we worked it out so that he could pick me up from the airport and then we'd go to dinner and a movie. I think that picking someone up from the airport is about the most romantic thing ever. I envisoned that he'd be there with flowers and give me a huge hug and kiss and then say something like "Even though that was our first kiss, it feels like our lips were always waiting for each other." And then I would kiss him harder and then he'd get down on one knee and propose with a GORGEOUS silver band and I would cry and the airport would applaud and then Celine Dion who was chillin at the starbucks starts singing "My Heart Will Go On.".... HEY IT COULD HAPPEN! ROMANTIC COMEDIES ARE BASED AROUND MOMENTS LIKE THIS.
Spoiler alerts. None of those things happened. He drove up to arrival pick-up and I got into his car.
We had a nice conversation about his trip while we drove to get food. He is really such a sweet guy. He knows how to keep a conversation going and now to avoid awkward topics. There is nothing worse than some trashy ass-face being all. "So.... are you a top or a bottom?" When someone asks me that I try to respond with something like "oh. i'm a side." and then quickly change the topic of conversation leaving them confused about what I like in bed.
So yes he did not ask any ridiculous questions. we went to fudruckers. which i do not enjoy, but he seemed pretty stoked about so who was i to say anything? I payed and he seemed genuinely impressed by that gesture. Bitches like it when you make it rain.
Food was nice. TIME FOR THE MOVIE.
Sandra Bullock's latest movie and I'm excited. I like her. Again I pay. I'm a hustla baby. I just want you to know.
So during the movie I casually put my hand on his knee and begin to rub affectionately. He keeps his arms firmly crossed over his chest for the next few minutes. I fully understand social cues, so I get the hint that its time to keep my paws to myself. I remove my hand and he immediately announces in full voice.
"No. Put it back."
then PLACES my hand back on his knee and links arms with me and begins to cuddle.
um what?! I love me a forceful man. if you put my hands anywhere on your body i'm pretty much in favor of that. unless its your feet. keep that fetish to yourself. ew or your moobs. not a fan.
so i feel pretty good about this, except that this situation is entirely weird. I've been flirty and amazing all evening but this is the one gesture (literally) of affection that he's shown me the whole time. oh well. i'm banking on the fact that this his was of saying "i'm in love with you and want to marry you how about green and khaki for the wedding colors?"
The movie ends and he drives me home. The conversation finally gets awkward because we know what is supposed to happen at the end of a date. Luckily I have a speech prepared. When he pulls up to my place I begin with "So i've had an amazing time with you and I know we live 2 hours away from each other, but..."
He interrupts
"but yeah. if our paths ever cross again, lets hang out."
that was not my "but." MY "but was...
"but I really like you and I'm willing to do anything to make this work."
All i could do was nod. smile and hug him as I got out of the car trying not to cry. I mean I really really liked him and he writes me off with a "maybe we can hang out?" I am not successful with keeping out the tears and he notices, so I run inside.
3 minutes later he calls me to let me know "its not me" I cry even harder. I hate cliche lines. and i hate them more when people actually mean them. thanks, high hopes, now i gotta listen to dashboard confessional to cry it all out.
Gained Points For: Deliberate hand-holding
Lost Points For: Making me cry
Mistakes I Made: Pre-determining him to be "the one"
Chances for Another Date: I am a sucker for guys who hurt me, so if he calls, its an unequivocal yes.
Overall Grade: C -
Names have been changed to protect the guy who made me CRY
Name of Date: High Hopes
Date #: 1
Looks Like: A cute supporting character on a mid-ninties WB teen drama.
Age: 24
Occupation: Youth Director/(Accom)Pianist
Where We Met: He was playing the piano for a round of auditions that I happened to be attending. We met. Chatted. Flirted. And I facebook stalked the second that I got home.
What Happened: So after nearly a month of e-mailing, facebooking and aim flirting we finally found a time to make this date happen. I was so excited because I thought he was pretty much perfect for me. He made me laugh, he was super cute, and I didn't meet him online or sleep with him within 72 hours of our introduction. Things were looking pretty good. SO good, in fact, that I'd already planned out how our relationship was going to work.
You see, he lived 2 hours from me. I would use one of my days off every other week to go visit him and vice versa. We'd get to spend one day (and night) together a week and it'd be perfect. Then we'd probably move to MA and get married and watch a lot of tv on DVD.
Anyway, I was flying back from a vacation and we worked it out so that he could pick me up from the airport and then we'd go to dinner and a movie. I think that picking someone up from the airport is about the most romantic thing ever. I envisoned that he'd be there with flowers and give me a huge hug and kiss and then say something like "Even though that was our first kiss, it feels like our lips were always waiting for each other." And then I would kiss him harder and then he'd get down on one knee and propose with a GORGEOUS silver band and I would cry and the airport would applaud and then Celine Dion who was chillin at the starbucks starts singing "My Heart Will Go On.".... HEY IT COULD HAPPEN! ROMANTIC COMEDIES ARE BASED AROUND MOMENTS LIKE THIS.
Spoiler alerts. None of those things happened. He drove up to arrival pick-up and I got into his car.
We had a nice conversation about his trip while we drove to get food. He is really such a sweet guy. He knows how to keep a conversation going and now to avoid awkward topics. There is nothing worse than some trashy ass-face being all. "So.... are you a top or a bottom?" When someone asks me that I try to respond with something like "oh. i'm a side." and then quickly change the topic of conversation leaving them confused about what I like in bed.
So yes he did not ask any ridiculous questions. we went to fudruckers. which i do not enjoy, but he seemed pretty stoked about so who was i to say anything? I payed and he seemed genuinely impressed by that gesture. Bitches like it when you make it rain.
Food was nice. TIME FOR THE MOVIE.
Sandra Bullock's latest movie and I'm excited. I like her. Again I pay. I'm a hustla baby. I just want you to know.
So during the movie I casually put my hand on his knee and begin to rub affectionately. He keeps his arms firmly crossed over his chest for the next few minutes. I fully understand social cues, so I get the hint that its time to keep my paws to myself. I remove my hand and he immediately announces in full voice.
"No. Put it back."
then PLACES my hand back on his knee and links arms with me and begins to cuddle.
um what?! I love me a forceful man. if you put my hands anywhere on your body i'm pretty much in favor of that. unless its your feet. keep that fetish to yourself. ew or your moobs. not a fan.
so i feel pretty good about this, except that this situation is entirely weird. I've been flirty and amazing all evening but this is the one gesture (literally) of affection that he's shown me the whole time. oh well. i'm banking on the fact that this his was of saying "i'm in love with you and want to marry you how about green and khaki for the wedding colors?"
The movie ends and he drives me home. The conversation finally gets awkward because we know what is supposed to happen at the end of a date. Luckily I have a speech prepared. When he pulls up to my place I begin with "So i've had an amazing time with you and I know we live 2 hours away from each other, but..."
He interrupts
"but yeah. if our paths ever cross again, lets hang out."
that was not my "but." MY "but was...
"but I really like you and I'm willing to do anything to make this work."
All i could do was nod. smile and hug him as I got out of the car trying not to cry. I mean I really really liked him and he writes me off with a "maybe we can hang out?" I am not successful with keeping out the tears and he notices, so I run inside.
3 minutes later he calls me to let me know "its not me" I cry even harder. I hate cliche lines. and i hate them more when people actually mean them. thanks, high hopes, now i gotta listen to dashboard confessional to cry it all out.
Gained Points For: Deliberate hand-holding
Lost Points For: Making me cry
Mistakes I Made: Pre-determining him to be "the one"
Chances for Another Date: I am a sucker for guys who hurt me, so if he calls, its an unequivocal yes.
Overall Grade: C -
Saturday, October 10, 2009
White Pants Fantasia
Sometimes I should lower my expectations.
Names have been changed to protect the strange and disappointing.
Name of Date: Y
Date #: 1
Looks Like:
Age: 30-ish?
Occupation: Oh I don't even remember
Where We Met: A club of the gay persuasion.
What Happened: So I'm out at the club. You know how I do. Dat's right. Dat's right. Mackin' on some bitches and passing the corvoisier. Oh wait. I'm not a rapper circa 2002 who uses lingo circa 1994. I'm actually pretty pissed that the people I'm with are ignoring me and I gotta dance by my lonesome. How I am I supposed to please lady gaga if there is no boy for me to grind up on? Shaking my ass to the phrase "I wanna take a ride on your disco stick" is just significantly less fun if there is no one there to make suggestive eyes at while I mouth the lyric.
Anyway. I'm sitting against the wall and I notice this really sweet pair of white pants. Like. I want them. I have always wanted to wear a pair of white pants but can't find any that look good on me. This particular pair of paints is fitting this guy really well so I follow up his leg and check him out. Lo and Behold.... he is attractive. Wait WHAT!? Have you seen the other mofos in this place? Because you do not belong. One of these things is not like the other.
And on top of his smoldering good looks, he is smiling at me! So I smile back. But this clear "come over and talk to me" green light is ignored on my part because sometimes I want to be the lady and make you woo me. I'm worth it. Loreal says so.
After literally 20 minutes of the eye sexing (which p.s. i was safe. i had my contacts in. i don't need no eye scabies.) he writes something down on a piece of paper hands it to some random dude and points to me. The guy delivers it and I'm torn between going "awwww" or throwing up because I am not in 4th grade anymore. if this thing says "do you like me check yes or no" I will crumple it up and put it in my drink.
The note, of course, had his name (which is name that uses a "y" where a "i" usually is... i judged his parents) and number so I texted him. We text back and forth for about an hour each making the obligatory flirty comments. "you are the cutest guy here." "no. you are." etc. etc. Why we can't just actually talk I do not understand. He is literally 14 feet from me and we are texting. Welcome to 2009.
So we plan to go for a walk on the beach the next day. He must be a good guy. He has amazing white pants. I'm pretty sure we're soul mates. I get there early to wait for him. I see a bus pull up and he gets off. Oh hell no. Homo don't have no car, homo don't have no life. This is going to be one long afternoon. Also he is not wearing the white pants and that is sad. I miss them.
The moment he opens his mouth I know exactly why he didn't come up to talk to me. He has the thickest spanish accent ever. Hola. Donde estas el escape route-o?
ok. ok. i'm not racist but my track record with guys who have English as a second language hasn't been great. (see Sven). but i suck it up.
OH! i should also mention he is not nearly as hot in broad daylight as he is in the dim setting of a club. i always forget that shocking inevitability. stupid, timmy, stupid.
Anyway we begin our walk and have somewhat decent conversation. He tells me he was born in Brazil. was once up for Angel in a tour of Rent. Used to live in Boston and is here for a week visiting friends (thus explaining why he took the bus). And that he likes to sing. Which he does. In spanish. I do not understand it and I want to leave.
He also keeps trying to get me to take my shirt off. Even reaching for it at one point and asking "can i see?" I slap him away. "NO YOU CANNOT CREEPY FOREIGN GUY! maybe that's how they do things in brazil (or boston) but I ain't no sex doll you can just undress at the beach."
After this I tell him I need to leave. Its then that he decides to drop the biggest guilt trip ever: "Oh really? I thought we were gonna spend the day hanging out. I cancelled my trip to Sea World with my friends so I could see you."
WHAAAAAT!? You'd rather gamble on getting to first base then seeing shamu? Sea world is the fucking shit. Your priorities are all out of whack and I hate to be the one to tell you that in 15 minutes you're gonna be on a bus back to wherever you came from. WAIT. I didn't mean it like that. Sigh... I'm so racist.
Gained Points for: His dedication. He wanted this date to happen. Hardcore.
Lost Points for: not telling me you're Brazilian beforehand. I shoulda know that. oh and trying to molest me.
Mistakes I Made: Beach walk dates during the day are awkward. They last too long and you get sweaty.
Chances for Another Date: I deleted him from my phone right after. What does that tell you?
Overall Grade: D
Names have been changed to protect the strange and disappointing.
Name of Date: Y
Date #: 1
Looks Like:
Age: 30-ish?
Occupation: Oh I don't even remember
Where We Met: A club of the gay persuasion.
What Happened: So I'm out at the club. You know how I do. Dat's right. Dat's right. Mackin' on some bitches and passing the corvoisier. Oh wait. I'm not a rapper circa 2002 who uses lingo circa 1994. I'm actually pretty pissed that the people I'm with are ignoring me and I gotta dance by my lonesome. How I am I supposed to please lady gaga if there is no boy for me to grind up on? Shaking my ass to the phrase "I wanna take a ride on your disco stick" is just significantly less fun if there is no one there to make suggestive eyes at while I mouth the lyric.
Anyway. I'm sitting against the wall and I notice this really sweet pair of white pants. Like. I want them. I have always wanted to wear a pair of white pants but can't find any that look good on me. This particular pair of paints is fitting this guy really well so I follow up his leg and check him out. Lo and Behold.... he is attractive. Wait WHAT!? Have you seen the other mofos in this place? Because you do not belong. One of these things is not like the other.
And on top of his smoldering good looks, he is smiling at me! So I smile back. But this clear "come over and talk to me" green light is ignored on my part because sometimes I want to be the lady and make you woo me. I'm worth it. Loreal says so.
After literally 20 minutes of the eye sexing (which p.s. i was safe. i had my contacts in. i don't need no eye scabies.) he writes something down on a piece of paper hands it to some random dude and points to me. The guy delivers it and I'm torn between going "awwww" or throwing up because I am not in 4th grade anymore. if this thing says "do you like me check yes or no" I will crumple it up and put it in my drink.
The note, of course, had his name (which is name that uses a "y" where a "i" usually is... i judged his parents) and number so I texted him. We text back and forth for about an hour each making the obligatory flirty comments. "you are the cutest guy here." "no. you are." etc. etc. Why we can't just actually talk I do not understand. He is literally 14 feet from me and we are texting. Welcome to 2009.
So we plan to go for a walk on the beach the next day. He must be a good guy. He has amazing white pants. I'm pretty sure we're soul mates. I get there early to wait for him. I see a bus pull up and he gets off. Oh hell no. Homo don't have no car, homo don't have no life. This is going to be one long afternoon. Also he is not wearing the white pants and that is sad. I miss them.
The moment he opens his mouth I know exactly why he didn't come up to talk to me. He has the thickest spanish accent ever. Hola. Donde estas el escape route-o?
ok. ok. i'm not racist but my track record with guys who have English as a second language hasn't been great. (see Sven). but i suck it up.
OH! i should also mention he is not nearly as hot in broad daylight as he is in the dim setting of a club. i always forget that shocking inevitability. stupid, timmy, stupid.
Anyway we begin our walk and have somewhat decent conversation. He tells me he was born in Brazil. was once up for Angel in a tour of Rent. Used to live in Boston and is here for a week visiting friends (thus explaining why he took the bus). And that he likes to sing. Which he does. In spanish. I do not understand it and I want to leave.
He also keeps trying to get me to take my shirt off. Even reaching for it at one point and asking "can i see?" I slap him away. "NO YOU CANNOT CREEPY FOREIGN GUY! maybe that's how they do things in brazil (or boston) but I ain't no sex doll you can just undress at the beach."
After this I tell him I need to leave. Its then that he decides to drop the biggest guilt trip ever: "Oh really? I thought we were gonna spend the day hanging out. I cancelled my trip to Sea World with my friends so I could see you."
WHAAAAAT!? You'd rather gamble on getting to first base then seeing shamu? Sea world is the fucking shit. Your priorities are all out of whack and I hate to be the one to tell you that in 15 minutes you're gonna be on a bus back to wherever you came from. WAIT. I didn't mean it like that. Sigh... I'm so racist.
Gained Points for: His dedication. He wanted this date to happen. Hardcore.
Lost Points for: not telling me you're Brazilian beforehand. I shoulda know that. oh and trying to molest me.
Mistakes I Made: Beach walk dates during the day are awkward. They last too long and you get sweaty.
Chances for Another Date: I deleted him from my phone right after. What does that tell you?
Overall Grade: D
Monday, October 5, 2009
Closet Case
Sometimes I get to be "straight" again.
Names have been changed to protect the really quite sad and I hope you figure things out.
Name of Date: No Homo
Date #: 1
Looks Like: Your stereotypical college d-bag
Age: 20
Occupation: Student
Where We Met: Craig's to the List. Judge me. You should.
What Happened: So I post an add on the CL in strictly platonic asking for friends and cool people to hang out with and obviously post my hottest picture because I need attractive friends. Its like a stipulation in my genetic code.
So No Homo contacts me says he's looking for "chill dudes" who "aren't fem" and sends a picture and he's reasonably attractive so I respond. He says he attends a local college and gives me his number saying we should "hang out." I don't like to give my number to guys I just meet and especially strangers from a sketch website who use surfer vernacular... but i'm lonely so I make an exception. The conversation quickly escalates to texting. oooooo texting.
He tells me I should come hang out with him and his friends that night. I am hesitant but he mentions there is a Dashboard Confessional concert happening on his campus and he could get me a ticket. Um WHAT?!?!
a. the DC still exists? am i living in 1998?
b. hell to the fuck yeah. i'm a sucker for some emo i-hate-my-life-no-one-loves-me music.
So I head over to meet up with him. Obvi.
He meets me and he's attractive. Kinda got this scruff bad boy thing going on. I'm ashamed. But also digging it. I feel like Britney must have felt when she met K-Fed. "Oh y'all... he ain't no JT but I bet he could work it. I bet he has mad pop and lockin' skills. Bit-Bit gonna get up on that."
As we're walking to get the ticket. He informs me of three things.
1. he is so far into the closet that he's having tea with aslan.
2. i need to keep it on the DL so his friends don't know.
3. he's going to say i'm a friend of a friend from out of town who just wanted to see the concert.
I found three particularly interesting because its not really that far from the truth, so why add extraneous details? I mean. thats kind of silly in my opinion. But I'll play along and keep it to myself so that you're friends don't know you're a card carrying, salami swallowing, man-pri wearing, homo-gay. Although your skinny jeans are a HUGE clue.
The concert starts in roughly 2 hours so we head to his friend's room to hang out before the show. Hang out apparently means drink beer and take 60000 photos with a blow up doll. Now I didn't have this kind of college experience where all you do is sit around and drink and be a jack-ass. It was completely new to me. Girls would stop by and giggle and grab a beer and pose for pictures with pouty faces and peace signs, while the guys would grab them, slap their asses and ask to see their panties. Um. No. I did not sign up for frat party 2003. The LFO party needs to get their shit together because I just need some screaming infidelities. thank you.
No Homo is the king of this place too. Flirting with all the girls. Grabbing their boobs even making out with some while I sit in the corner bored and honestly... feel really sad for him. It must suck to be that afraid of coming out.
FINALLY the concert starts and we head over. Its totes brill. Mega-Fab. All that junk. No Homo is texting me the whole time telling me how cute i am and asking me to spend the night all while grinding up on this girl who he tells me is his ex. Its pathetic really. I text him back and say I'm ready to go and like LIGHTNING he grabs my hand and we book it out of there so no one will see. I haven't had to play the quick escape game so I could go get some since I was 19. Its not a fun memory.
We get back to his room and begin furioiusly making out. He is basically begging me to spend the night. Apparently pretending to be hetero makes you ravenous for dick. I'm not surprised. I tell him I'm not cool with spending the night but we can have fun for a while. He all but rips my clothes off and throws me on his bed.I begin taking off his clothes and he says. "Hey dude. I have a tiny dick. just so you know."
Ok. FIRST OF ALL. Why call attention to it? I mean. I'm about to see it, and I would never have commented on it. Yet now you are forcing me to LIE TO YOU and be all "no. no its not. its nice. i really like it." bad form, No Homo.
Anyway.... I give him a nice good working over because I'm sure he doesn't get this treatment very often. He tells me its the best BJ he's ever gotten from a guy or a girl. I want to say "thank you" and curtsy. but. i don't. I then ask him for one. He tells me he's never sucked a dick before.
Hahahaha I honestly say. "well... you're gonna tonight." I'm so awful. I know.
and he does. he gets down there and gives it the old college try. its not great but its his first time so I don't judge him too harshly. We finish and once again he begs me to stay so we can do it over and over. Also Its only 10pm at this point. I know. I couldn't believe it either. Round two is def an option so I say I'll stick around for a little bit.
Ugh had I known it would have included more hangouts with his homophobic buddies while he'd grab my ass when they weren't looking or throw me against the wall to make out and grind his pelvis against mine when they went to the bathroom, I'd have left. Thats not sexy thats just sad. We find time for a quickie when they run to the convenience store for more beer and afterward I make my exit in complete disbelief that this night actually happened.
And "Hands down this is the best date I can ever remember... always remember." no. no it isn't.
Gained Points For: Aggresion in the sack. Pent up gayness makes a boy really want it. Also who knew "you're a jerk" would be a really hot song to get some to? Oh AND when I asked if I was "not fem" enough for him he said "oh yeah." WHO KNEW?! go me.
Lost Points for: Being in the closet. Thats sad.
Mistakes I Made: Sticking around for Act II. I should have made my exit so I coulda caught Will and Grace on lifetime.
Chances for Another Date: I don't really feel like being the awkward "who is that guy?" guy again. so i'm sure there won't be another one. I wouldn't be surprised if i get booty texted though. boooooootyyyyyy teeeeeexxxxxttteeeed.
Overall Grade: C-
Names have been changed to protect the really quite sad and I hope you figure things out.
Name of Date: No Homo
Date #: 1
Looks Like: Your stereotypical college d-bag
Age: 20
Occupation: Student
Where We Met: Craig's to the List. Judge me. You should.
What Happened: So I post an add on the CL in strictly platonic asking for friends and cool people to hang out with and obviously post my hottest picture because I need attractive friends. Its like a stipulation in my genetic code.
So No Homo contacts me says he's looking for "chill dudes" who "aren't fem" and sends a picture and he's reasonably attractive so I respond. He says he attends a local college and gives me his number saying we should "hang out." I don't like to give my number to guys I just meet and especially strangers from a sketch website who use surfer vernacular... but i'm lonely so I make an exception. The conversation quickly escalates to texting. oooooo texting.
He tells me I should come hang out with him and his friends that night. I am hesitant but he mentions there is a Dashboard Confessional concert happening on his campus and he could get me a ticket. Um WHAT?!?!
a. the DC still exists? am i living in 1998?
b. hell to the fuck yeah. i'm a sucker for some emo i-hate-my-life-no-one-loves-me music.
So I head over to meet up with him. Obvi.
He meets me and he's attractive. Kinda got this scruff bad boy thing going on. I'm ashamed. But also digging it. I feel like Britney must have felt when she met K-Fed. "Oh y'all... he ain't no JT but I bet he could work it. I bet he has mad pop and lockin' skills. Bit-Bit gonna get up on that."
As we're walking to get the ticket. He informs me of three things.
1. he is so far into the closet that he's having tea with aslan.
2. i need to keep it on the DL so his friends don't know.
3. he's going to say i'm a friend of a friend from out of town who just wanted to see the concert.
I found three particularly interesting because its not really that far from the truth, so why add extraneous details? I mean. thats kind of silly in my opinion. But I'll play along and keep it to myself so that you're friends don't know you're a card carrying, salami swallowing, man-pri wearing, homo-gay. Although your skinny jeans are a HUGE clue.
The concert starts in roughly 2 hours so we head to his friend's room to hang out before the show. Hang out apparently means drink beer and take 60000 photos with a blow up doll. Now I didn't have this kind of college experience where all you do is sit around and drink and be a jack-ass. It was completely new to me. Girls would stop by and giggle and grab a beer and pose for pictures with pouty faces and peace signs, while the guys would grab them, slap their asses and ask to see their panties. Um. No. I did not sign up for frat party 2003. The LFO party needs to get their shit together because I just need some screaming infidelities. thank you.
No Homo is the king of this place too. Flirting with all the girls. Grabbing their boobs even making out with some while I sit in the corner bored and honestly... feel really sad for him. It must suck to be that afraid of coming out.
FINALLY the concert starts and we head over. Its totes brill. Mega-Fab. All that junk. No Homo is texting me the whole time telling me how cute i am and asking me to spend the night all while grinding up on this girl who he tells me is his ex. Its pathetic really. I text him back and say I'm ready to go and like LIGHTNING he grabs my hand and we book it out of there so no one will see. I haven't had to play the quick escape game so I could go get some since I was 19. Its not a fun memory.
We get back to his room and begin furioiusly making out. He is basically begging me to spend the night. Apparently pretending to be hetero makes you ravenous for dick. I'm not surprised. I tell him I'm not cool with spending the night but we can have fun for a while. He all but rips my clothes off and throws me on his bed.I begin taking off his clothes and he says. "Hey dude. I have a tiny dick. just so you know."
Ok. FIRST OF ALL. Why call attention to it? I mean. I'm about to see it, and I would never have commented on it. Yet now you are forcing me to LIE TO YOU and be all "no. no its not. its nice. i really like it." bad form, No Homo.
Anyway.... I give him a nice good working over because I'm sure he doesn't get this treatment very often. He tells me its the best BJ he's ever gotten from a guy or a girl. I want to say "thank you" and curtsy. but. i don't. I then ask him for one. He tells me he's never sucked a dick before.
Hahahaha I honestly say. "well... you're gonna tonight." I'm so awful. I know.
and he does. he gets down there and gives it the old college try. its not great but its his first time so I don't judge him too harshly. We finish and once again he begs me to stay so we can do it over and over. Also Its only 10pm at this point. I know. I couldn't believe it either. Round two is def an option so I say I'll stick around for a little bit.
Ugh had I known it would have included more hangouts with his homophobic buddies while he'd grab my ass when they weren't looking or throw me against the wall to make out and grind his pelvis against mine when they went to the bathroom, I'd have left. Thats not sexy thats just sad. We find time for a quickie when they run to the convenience store for more beer and afterward I make my exit in complete disbelief that this night actually happened.
And "Hands down this is the best date I can ever remember... always remember." no. no it isn't.
Gained Points For: Aggresion in the sack. Pent up gayness makes a boy really want it. Also who knew "you're a jerk" would be a really hot song to get some to? Oh AND when I asked if I was "not fem" enough for him he said "oh yeah." WHO KNEW?! go me.
Lost Points for: Being in the closet. Thats sad.
Mistakes I Made: Sticking around for Act II. I should have made my exit so I coulda caught Will and Grace on lifetime.
Chances for Another Date: I don't really feel like being the awkward "who is that guy?" guy again. so i'm sure there won't be another one. I wouldn't be surprised if i get booty texted though. boooooootyyyyyy teeeeeexxxxxttteeeed.
Overall Grade: C-
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Pinch Me, I Must Be Dreaming
Sometimes the LORD blesses you.
Names have been changed to protect the seriously? this guy exists?!
Name of Date: Doctor Man
Date #: 1
Looks Like: Richie Cunningham
Age: 26
Occupation: Doctor. for realsies. A DOCTOR.
Where We Met: A Sleazy Gay Bar.... who'd have thought?
What Happened: So ok. We didn't REALLY "meet" at the gay bar. We met up there. He sent me a message online and said he was heading out and I should go out and say hi. So I did. He chatted for a bit at the bar and then he gave me his info. The following is what happened on our first actual date.
Actually, before I jump into that, I need to discuss the kind of emotions that go through a gay man when an attractive red-headed doctor (let me repeat that... A DOCTOR) with the v (again. repeating. HE HAS THE "V" LADIES AND LADIES) seems interested in you. Here are the thoughts in order:
1. holy shit.
2. no for real. holy shit.
3. i will do whatever you say.
4. can we have the wedding in december?
5. what is your name?
So after i go through that scenario and process the fact that I will be going on a date with him... I get quite excited. I mean, who wouldn't. If I was female and living in Man Men 1960's my life would pretty much be set. All I'd have to worry about now was making sure we moved into a neighborhood without any life-ruining divorcees.
Anyway. We meet for dinner. I walk up and see him there in his red-headed and freckled glory. (p.s. gingers are effing hot) He got there 20 minutes early to make sure that we wouldn't have to wait for a table. Um. Gentlemanly. He obviously did it to impress me, and it seriously did. I am not worth that. I am the lets sit on the bench with the buzzer thing for 15 minutes and make awkward small talk in front of families with 4 kids who look at us quizzically and whisper "why are those two boys sitting so close and keep looking at each other's no-no zone?"
"um. because little girl, homo needs a rich husband."
But, because he saved us from this sitch, we get to have the awkward small talk at the table instead. We do the get to know each other thing. Talk about family, what we do, etc. etc. etc. I'm desperately trying to play footsie under the table, but I don't think he gets the hint. The food comes and its always waaaay too much for me to eat. Then I gotta ask for a doggie bag. Ugh. There is nothing quite so class-less and being on a date and walking of the restaurant with food. "Mmmm yeah. I'ma eat this later and think of you." Creeper City. Population: Me.
So we're back at our cars and its the moment where neither of us wants the date to end, so we're talking about what we could go do. He suggests we go to a pool hall and play pool. YES! For those of you out there who read this and try to discern what to do/what not to do... this is a classic example of what to do. He remembered during the convo that I liked pool, he picked something close, cheap and without any expectation. PERFECT. Very smooth.
Pool was pretty uneventful. I mean we played. Well he did. I kinda danced to "Paper Planes" by MIA that was being blasted over the loudspeaker while haphazardly whacking balls with my pool cue. DON'T JUDGE. IT'S A GOOD SONG.
Cut to the parking lot. Midnight showing of "We Don't Want This Date to End 2: Attack of the Clones" Again Doctor Man comes to the rescue and suggests a walk on the beach. Hollllerrrrrrr.
So this was just after hurricane season and the beach was completely flooded. We had to roll up our jeans and wade through water. It was less of a walk and more of a, lets just stand here because who knows what the hell we'll step on.
OH. At one point he had to go pee. So he went about 20 yards away, unzipped and let it fly. Now you'd think that is was pretty trashy. And normally I would agree. But this guy is a doctor, so i'm thinking. No. this is a smart move. He went to pee and did so within my viewing range so that I would think about him and his penis. Thats pretty effing smart. I mean. I'm not into that... like.... ew... but. Nevermind. this could diverge into a really disgusting tangent.
AFTER HE PEES. He comes back and hugs me for the first time. And I can't even describe it. The way he holds me. Its just. Like I fit there perfectly. He warms me. He's got his intense strength and passion in his arms. When he touches me... Like I said. I can't describe it. Its just. awesome. Then we kiss. Its the first time I've been kissed on the beach. ever. its hella romantic and he scores about a, 8.2 for technique. Damn those russian judges.
We wade back to our cars, and head home. Me thinking about how I'll tell the kids that their daddy knows how to work it.
Gained Points For: Being a doctor. I'm sorry. Did you need me to spell that out for you?
Lost Points For: Keeping his shirt on. Let the world see that V
Mistakes I Made: I didn't. I was a perfect date!
Chances for Another Date: Oh. There are no chances. This shit is happening.
Overall Grade: A-
Names have been changed to protect the seriously? this guy exists?!
Name of Date: Doctor Man
Date #: 1
Looks Like: Richie Cunningham
Age: 26
Occupation: Doctor. for realsies. A DOCTOR.
Where We Met: A Sleazy Gay Bar.... who'd have thought?
What Happened: So ok. We didn't REALLY "meet" at the gay bar. We met up there. He sent me a message online and said he was heading out and I should go out and say hi. So I did. He chatted for a bit at the bar and then he gave me his info. The following is what happened on our first actual date.
Actually, before I jump into that, I need to discuss the kind of emotions that go through a gay man when an attractive red-headed doctor (let me repeat that... A DOCTOR) with the v (again. repeating. HE HAS THE "V" LADIES AND LADIES) seems interested in you. Here are the thoughts in order:
1. holy shit.
2. no for real. holy shit.
3. i will do whatever you say.
4. can we have the wedding in december?
5. what is your name?
So after i go through that scenario and process the fact that I will be going on a date with him... I get quite excited. I mean, who wouldn't. If I was female and living in Man Men 1960's my life would pretty much be set. All I'd have to worry about now was making sure we moved into a neighborhood without any life-ruining divorcees.
Anyway. We meet for dinner. I walk up and see him there in his red-headed and freckled glory. (p.s. gingers are effing hot) He got there 20 minutes early to make sure that we wouldn't have to wait for a table. Um. Gentlemanly. He obviously did it to impress me, and it seriously did. I am not worth that. I am the lets sit on the bench with the buzzer thing for 15 minutes and make awkward small talk in front of families with 4 kids who look at us quizzically and whisper "why are those two boys sitting so close and keep looking at each other's no-no zone?"
"um. because little girl, homo needs a rich husband."
But, because he saved us from this sitch, we get to have the awkward small talk at the table instead. We do the get to know each other thing. Talk about family, what we do, etc. etc. etc. I'm desperately trying to play footsie under the table, but I don't think he gets the hint. The food comes and its always waaaay too much for me to eat. Then I gotta ask for a doggie bag. Ugh. There is nothing quite so class-less and being on a date and walking of the restaurant with food. "Mmmm yeah. I'ma eat this later and think of you." Creeper City. Population: Me.
So we're back at our cars and its the moment where neither of us wants the date to end, so we're talking about what we could go do. He suggests we go to a pool hall and play pool. YES! For those of you out there who read this and try to discern what to do/what not to do... this is a classic example of what to do. He remembered during the convo that I liked pool, he picked something close, cheap and without any expectation. PERFECT. Very smooth.
Pool was pretty uneventful. I mean we played. Well he did. I kinda danced to "Paper Planes" by MIA that was being blasted over the loudspeaker while haphazardly whacking balls with my pool cue. DON'T JUDGE. IT'S A GOOD SONG.
Cut to the parking lot. Midnight showing of "We Don't Want This Date to End 2: Attack of the Clones" Again Doctor Man comes to the rescue and suggests a walk on the beach. Hollllerrrrrrr.
So this was just after hurricane season and the beach was completely flooded. We had to roll up our jeans and wade through water. It was less of a walk and more of a, lets just stand here because who knows what the hell we'll step on.
OH. At one point he had to go pee. So he went about 20 yards away, unzipped and let it fly. Now you'd think that is was pretty trashy. And normally I would agree. But this guy is a doctor, so i'm thinking. No. this is a smart move. He went to pee and did so within my viewing range so that I would think about him and his penis. Thats pretty effing smart. I mean. I'm not into that... like.... ew... but. Nevermind. this could diverge into a really disgusting tangent.
AFTER HE PEES. He comes back and hugs me for the first time. And I can't even describe it. The way he holds me. Its just. Like I fit there perfectly. He warms me. He's got his intense strength and passion in his arms. When he touches me... Like I said. I can't describe it. Its just. awesome. Then we kiss. Its the first time I've been kissed on the beach. ever. its hella romantic and he scores about a, 8.2 for technique. Damn those russian judges.
We wade back to our cars, and head home. Me thinking about how I'll tell the kids that their daddy knows how to work it.
Gained Points For: Being a doctor. I'm sorry. Did you need me to spell that out for you?
Lost Points For: Keeping his shirt on. Let the world see that V
Mistakes I Made: I didn't. I was a perfect date!
Chances for Another Date: Oh. There are no chances. This shit is happening.
Overall Grade: A-
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
This Date May Not Be Suitable For Young Audiences
WARNING: you must be 18 or older to continue...
Sometimes its just about the "sex"
Names have been changed to protect the toe-curling.
Name of Date: Sexy Accent
Date #: 2
Title of Last Date: Better With Age
Amount of Time Between Dates: A Week
What Happened: St. Patrick's Day; evening. It was warm. How's THAT for a novel opener? Suck it, J.D. Salinger.
Anyway, S.A. and I had been texting back and forth for a while. I mentioned I had tentative plans for the night around 11ish. Tentative meaning actual. There was a party that I was expected to attend and people I had told I would definitely be there. I mean, it was st. patty's day. Who the hell doesn't celebrate? I just wanted to see if he'd like to be invited along.
Turns out he didn't. But he did say I should come hang out with him in his hotel room until the party got started. I don't think I need to spell it out for you what he was implying. You are smart readers. So, I put on cute underwear and went over there fully embracing the fact that I was about to be a little slutty.
A digression. What if my assumption had been incorrect (no worries, it wasn't) but, what if it had been? Is there anything more frustrating that expecting some nice-nice and then not getting it at all? Answer: NO THERE IS NOT. Oh hey. I just got all cute and wore my expensive underwear and did man-scaping and totes wore clothes to accentuate my man-bulges and... for nothing. That walk of shame home at 1:00am is waaaay worse than the walk of shame home the next morning.
BACK TO THE PART ABOUT ME GETTING SOME.
ok so. I get to his hotel and he's waiting at the front desk in all his chisled 40-something glory. I get weak in the knees all over. Seriously. He is drop dead gorgeous. Did I mention that? Apparently one of his co-workers (remember he is in town on a business trip) had an issue with his room. This co-worker is latino and also very gay. He takes one look at me, then at S.A., gives him a knowing smile and says... "I can take care of this." 2 points for the friend knowing what was up, and not being a dick about it. I'da wanted to punch him if he'd been like "oh heyyyyyyy, lets all go get a drink at the bar." "no thank you, i do not want to play that game."
so back in his room he's got a bottle of wine, and thats when i knew it was going down. i should have texted my friends then to say. "naked man trumps alcohol" but... i didn't. it would have stopped the incessant texting an hour later asking where i was. Where am I? Throwing my head back and clutching expsensive hyatt sheets. Thats where I am.
We make small talk and I'm seduced by his accent once more. And he asks. "Would it be alright if I kiss you?" I wanted to say something witty but all that came out was "Mmm-hmmm."
And God said let it be good. And it was.
I will be a lady and not go into too much detail about the events that followed, but here are some clues:
1. i had to follow the trail of my clothing to recover all the items from the places they'd been strewn about his room.
2. i never made it to the party
3. hung. like. a. horse.
4. the ONLY simultaneous orgasm i've ever had with someone. EVER. and it was staggering.
I know I don't usually get this raunchy in my posts. And I've probably scandalized a few of you. And for that I do not apologize. This is my life. You don't know me. I'm not here to make friends. Obligatory reality tv show comment #487. Basically, it happened. Why should I censor it.
I left his room several hours later and drove home with the largest smile on my face. I wasn't ashamed at all.
Gained Points for: Taking the Lead
Lost Points for: Afterwards he said "Well... I guess I have a reason to stay in town longer." Um. What? No you don't. Please don't assume this was anything more than a good time.
Mistakes I Made: Any "mistakes" he quickly corrected by telling me how he liked it. ZING!
Chances for Another Date: Finding awesome sexual chemistry is a rare thing. Plus he was packin' SERIOUS HEAT. I'm going to need a second course.
Overall Grade: A
Sometimes its just about the "sex"
Names have been changed to protect the toe-curling.
Name of Date: Sexy Accent
Date #: 2
Title of Last Date: Better With Age
Amount of Time Between Dates: A Week
What Happened: St. Patrick's Day; evening. It was warm. How's THAT for a novel opener? Suck it, J.D. Salinger.
Anyway, S.A. and I had been texting back and forth for a while. I mentioned I had tentative plans for the night around 11ish. Tentative meaning actual. There was a party that I was expected to attend and people I had told I would definitely be there. I mean, it was st. patty's day. Who the hell doesn't celebrate? I just wanted to see if he'd like to be invited along.
Turns out he didn't. But he did say I should come hang out with him in his hotel room until the party got started. I don't think I need to spell it out for you what he was implying. You are smart readers. So, I put on cute underwear and went over there fully embracing the fact that I was about to be a little slutty.
A digression. What if my assumption had been incorrect (no worries, it wasn't) but, what if it had been? Is there anything more frustrating that expecting some nice-nice and then not getting it at all? Answer: NO THERE IS NOT. Oh hey. I just got all cute and wore my expensive underwear and did man-scaping and totes wore clothes to accentuate my man-bulges and... for nothing. That walk of shame home at 1:00am is waaaay worse than the walk of shame home the next morning.
BACK TO THE PART ABOUT ME GETTING SOME.
ok so. I get to his hotel and he's waiting at the front desk in all his chisled 40-something glory. I get weak in the knees all over. Seriously. He is drop dead gorgeous. Did I mention that? Apparently one of his co-workers (remember he is in town on a business trip) had an issue with his room. This co-worker is latino and also very gay. He takes one look at me, then at S.A., gives him a knowing smile and says... "I can take care of this." 2 points for the friend knowing what was up, and not being a dick about it. I'da wanted to punch him if he'd been like "oh heyyyyyyy, lets all go get a drink at the bar." "no thank you, i do not want to play that game."
so back in his room he's got a bottle of wine, and thats when i knew it was going down. i should have texted my friends then to say. "naked man trumps alcohol" but... i didn't. it would have stopped the incessant texting an hour later asking where i was. Where am I? Throwing my head back and clutching expsensive hyatt sheets. Thats where I am.
We make small talk and I'm seduced by his accent once more. And he asks. "Would it be alright if I kiss you?" I wanted to say something witty but all that came out was "Mmm-hmmm."
And God said let it be good. And it was.
I will be a lady and not go into too much detail about the events that followed, but here are some clues:
1. i had to follow the trail of my clothing to recover all the items from the places they'd been strewn about his room.
2. i never made it to the party
3. hung. like. a. horse.
4. the ONLY simultaneous orgasm i've ever had with someone. EVER. and it was staggering.
I know I don't usually get this raunchy in my posts. And I've probably scandalized a few of you. And for that I do not apologize. This is my life. You don't know me. I'm not here to make friends. Obligatory reality tv show comment #487. Basically, it happened. Why should I censor it.
I left his room several hours later and drove home with the largest smile on my face. I wasn't ashamed at all.
Gained Points for: Taking the Lead
Lost Points for: Afterwards he said "Well... I guess I have a reason to stay in town longer." Um. What? No you don't. Please don't assume this was anything more than a good time.
Mistakes I Made: Any "mistakes" he quickly corrected by telling me how he liked it. ZING!
Chances for Another Date: Finding awesome sexual chemistry is a rare thing. Plus he was packin' SERIOUS HEAT. I'm going to need a second course.
Overall Grade: A
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
A For Effort
Sometimes even the best laid plans fail.
Names have been changed to protect the didn't really have a chance.
Name of Date: Cheerleader
Date #: 1
Looks Like: A professional wrestler from the early 90's
Age: 25
Occupation: Unemployed/Substitute Teacher
Where We Met: gaychristian.net, its not a dating site... but these things happen.
What Happened: Ok I met Cheerleader (so named because in college he was on the cheerleading squad. i don't even judge him for this, i think its kind of awesome and wish my lonley little liberal arts college had a squad that I could have joined. I think i'd kick ass at some basket tosses) online and we lived about 3 hours from each other. We spent a couple months chatting back and forth about our lives. aka complaining about the various boys we were dating/wanted to date. This is the foundation for all gay friendships. It is written. In our handbook. In the chapter called "Gay Friends - or - a drunken night away from a hookup."
Eventually he decided we needed to meet. I wasn't really attracted to him so I wanted to get out of having to drive any long distance to just turn the guy down. However the suggested meeting place was a pretty cool city and he'd found a great gay club there. He said he'd pay for a hotel room so we could get drunk, party, and then have somewhere to crash. I agreed... on the condition that there be separate beds. Homo ain't no ho... sometimes.
A brief digression... I must note that the ride down to see him was the first time I ever listened to next to normal and thus... an obsession began. Digression OVER!
So i get to the hotel he's chosen and its seedy as fuck. I like comparing things to fuck. Something is blank as fuck. Fuck is the pan-ultimate in any adjective contest. who the hell knows why? we all just accept it. think about it.
I open the door and secretly I'm hoping he'll turn out to be like... adam brody hot. alas he is not. its one of those rare cases where a person looks EXACTLY LIKE THEIR ONLINE PHOTO. that doesn't happen too often. He's a bit overweight and has a ponytail. I know. If you are eating I'm sorry. I'll give you a minute...
Sooooo we're at seedy as fuck hotel and he tells me he's found a "gay restaraunt" where we can go to dinner. I love these places that flaunt themselves as "gay" establishments. They usually have a rainbow poster up and blast madonna while HIV+ 60 year olds troll for unsuspecting twinks. Thats mean... but true. I reluctantly agree to go since he is so eager.
We get there around six and the place is dead. I order a beer. I'ma need it. The table is wobbly, the food is mediocre, and they don't even have hot waiters. Can a brother get some eye candy? Apparently not.
We finish rather early and then head back to the hotel because 7pm is wayyyyyyyy too early to show up to the club. I now realize I have at least 3 hours ahead of me of nothing but one on one time with him. Ugh. We get back to SAF Hotel and he pulls out a cooler. He has prepared shots. And brought them along. My brain cannot decide if this is precious or pathetic. It is a little of both I feel. But bottoms up, cause I don't want to be sober. He gets points for pre-planning for pre-gaming.
The excruciating minutes tick by and I'm buzzed. It is now time to go to the club. We drive there and it is one swank-ass club. I also like switching the hyphens when you have the adjective-ass noun formation. In this case it would be swank ass-club, which, under the circumstances would have been just as interesting. ANYWAY. Its a great club. I immediately spot a pole and know that at some point I will be swinging up on that bitch. and yes i did.
He buys me drinks. I request ones with lots of liquor. Clearly. He doesn't want to dance. I do it by myself while he watches. Weirdly.
There is a drag performace. Some fierce man-lady tranny dancing to "feedback." I applaud.
So I'm drunk and dancing and this 30 year old latino guy comes up to me. He tells me I'm the hottest guy there and that he's "from miami... so he knows what he wants." whatever the hell that means. He's hot. Cheerleader isn't dancing with me... so i throw my head back and grind with him. He tries to put his hand down my pants. I don't let him because I'm a classy lady. Then he buys me a beer and I let him... well don't let him so much as I'm too drunk to stop him. Cheerleader comes to my rescue and we leave.
We get back to the hotel and I'm schwasted and horny. I figure... "what the hell?" and crawl into bed with the guy. We begin to make out. He says "I've wanted this to happen all night long."
Um... way to ruin it. I don't like you, I just wanted some action. You had to go make me feel guilty because you actually like me. I don't wanna feel like a jerk! Excuse me while I stumble back to my bed and leave the next morning before you wake up.
Gained Points for: planning, I guess. never underestimate not having to make your date think too hard. oh and paying for shit.
Lost Points for: Ponytails
Mistakes I Made: Not staying sober. It would have just made everything easier. Also I should have just got my own hotel room.
Chances for Another Date: When he gets it tight and keeps it right, he can call me.
Overall Grade: C-
Names have been changed to protect the didn't really have a chance.
Name of Date: Cheerleader
Date #: 1
Looks Like: A professional wrestler from the early 90's
Age: 25
Occupation: Unemployed/Substitute Teacher
Where We Met: gaychristian.net, its not a dating site... but these things happen.
What Happened: Ok I met Cheerleader (so named because in college he was on the cheerleading squad. i don't even judge him for this, i think its kind of awesome and wish my lonley little liberal arts college had a squad that I could have joined. I think i'd kick ass at some basket tosses) online and we lived about 3 hours from each other. We spent a couple months chatting back and forth about our lives. aka complaining about the various boys we were dating/wanted to date. This is the foundation for all gay friendships. It is written. In our handbook. In the chapter called "Gay Friends - or - a drunken night away from a hookup."
Eventually he decided we needed to meet. I wasn't really attracted to him so I wanted to get out of having to drive any long distance to just turn the guy down. However the suggested meeting place was a pretty cool city and he'd found a great gay club there. He said he'd pay for a hotel room so we could get drunk, party, and then have somewhere to crash. I agreed... on the condition that there be separate beds. Homo ain't no ho... sometimes.
A brief digression... I must note that the ride down to see him was the first time I ever listened to next to normal and thus... an obsession began. Digression OVER!
So i get to the hotel he's chosen and its seedy as fuck. I like comparing things to fuck. Something is blank as fuck. Fuck is the pan-ultimate in any adjective contest. who the hell knows why? we all just accept it. think about it.
I open the door and secretly I'm hoping he'll turn out to be like... adam brody hot. alas he is not. its one of those rare cases where a person looks EXACTLY LIKE THEIR ONLINE PHOTO. that doesn't happen too often. He's a bit overweight and has a ponytail. I know. If you are eating I'm sorry. I'll give you a minute...
Sooooo we're at seedy as fuck hotel and he tells me he's found a "gay restaraunt" where we can go to dinner. I love these places that flaunt themselves as "gay" establishments. They usually have a rainbow poster up and blast madonna while HIV+ 60 year olds troll for unsuspecting twinks. Thats mean... but true. I reluctantly agree to go since he is so eager.
We get there around six and the place is dead. I order a beer. I'ma need it. The table is wobbly, the food is mediocre, and they don't even have hot waiters. Can a brother get some eye candy? Apparently not.
We finish rather early and then head back to the hotel because 7pm is wayyyyyyyy too early to show up to the club. I now realize I have at least 3 hours ahead of me of nothing but one on one time with him. Ugh. We get back to SAF Hotel and he pulls out a cooler. He has prepared shots. And brought them along. My brain cannot decide if this is precious or pathetic. It is a little of both I feel. But bottoms up, cause I don't want to be sober. He gets points for pre-planning for pre-gaming.
The excruciating minutes tick by and I'm buzzed. It is now time to go to the club. We drive there and it is one swank-ass club. I also like switching the hyphens when you have the adjective-ass noun formation. In this case it would be swank ass-club, which, under the circumstances would have been just as interesting. ANYWAY. Its a great club. I immediately spot a pole and know that at some point I will be swinging up on that bitch. and yes i did.
He buys me drinks. I request ones with lots of liquor. Clearly. He doesn't want to dance. I do it by myself while he watches. Weirdly.
There is a drag performace. Some fierce man-lady tranny dancing to "feedback." I applaud.
So I'm drunk and dancing and this 30 year old latino guy comes up to me. He tells me I'm the hottest guy there and that he's "from miami... so he knows what he wants." whatever the hell that means. He's hot. Cheerleader isn't dancing with me... so i throw my head back and grind with him. He tries to put his hand down my pants. I don't let him because I'm a classy lady. Then he buys me a beer and I let him... well don't let him so much as I'm too drunk to stop him. Cheerleader comes to my rescue and we leave.
We get back to the hotel and I'm schwasted and horny. I figure... "what the hell?" and crawl into bed with the guy. We begin to make out. He says "I've wanted this to happen all night long."
Um... way to ruin it. I don't like you, I just wanted some action. You had to go make me feel guilty because you actually like me. I don't wanna feel like a jerk! Excuse me while I stumble back to my bed and leave the next morning before you wake up.
Gained Points for: planning, I guess. never underestimate not having to make your date think too hard. oh and paying for shit.
Lost Points for: Ponytails
Mistakes I Made: Not staying sober. It would have just made everything easier. Also I should have just got my own hotel room.
Chances for Another Date: When he gets it tight and keeps it right, he can call me.
Overall Grade: C-
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Speed Dating Extravanganza
SPECIAL EDITION OF TIMMY'S BLOG!!!! (the format will change slightly)
Sometimes I go on multiple dates in one evening
Names have been changed to protect the numerous
What: Speed Dating
Where: A Club
Who: two dozen supposedly single day men
Why: my friend Sean had organized this event for the local LGBTQ community, and invited me along, so I agreed. My other friend Louie who also works there drove us as we had planned our outfits carefully b/c even if we're only meeting creepy old guys, we still need to look hot. What follows is an account of each of the 10-ish minute dates I went on, and the hilarity that ensued.
Date 1
Name: Grandpa
Looks Like: Beardy and Baldy and a Bear
Age: upwards of 50
Stats:
has 3 children (two of which are older than me)
and an indeterminable amount of grandchildren
teaches 3rd grade
came out after his wife cheated on him
Good Things: he was incredibly nice. and gave me hope for my gay future. although the decade of marriage to a woman might not be the route i take. no thanks.
Bad Things: obviously not anywhere near my age, no thank you.
Date 2
Name: Ugly Dye Job
Looks Like: a mixed race dancer with bleached hair... ew
Age: 20
Stats:
makes more money than me
likes to brag about that fact
had an upcoming birthday party that i just HAVE TO COME TO!
apparently thinks blonde hair looks cute on him. unnecessary.
Good Things: He was nice... and thats about the only positive adjective he can claim
Bad Things: Too young, and kept checking out the other guys there. Wandering eye is a no-no.
Date 3
Name: Dr. Douche
Looks Like: nondescript. which is just sad when you think about it.
Age: 30-ish
Stats:
is a doctor is a hospital
does not find it funny when asked if he is serious about that
has a very particular type
makes 5 minute dates excruciatingly awkward
Good Things: thank god he has that job, that'll land some sad gay.
Bad Things: ok, i can deal with the fact that you aren't into me. this is speed dating, not everyone is going to be your ideal type. but for reals, at least try for 5 minutes and don't shut me out. asshole.
Date 4
Name: The Hottest Guy There
Looks Like: See above... ok, ok, blonde hair, ideal height, great eyes and smile.
Age: 26
Stats:
Has a steady job
Likes to chat
Was nervous about talking to me, which means he thinks I'm cute too.
Didn't want to switch when the 5 minutes was up.
Got my number before 3 minutes had passed.
Good Things: great to talk to, super cute, pretty much awesome at everything. i'm definitely seeing this guy again.
Bad Things: Not grabbing my hand and leading me out of there immediately.
Date 5
Name: Whaaaaa?!
Looks Like: A kid who lived on my hall freshmen year... BECAUSE HE IS!
Age: 25
Stats:
professor
the first black person with whom i've ever gone on a date
blew my mind that he's gay
why weren't we better friends?
Good Things: catching up and hearing each other's stories.
Bad Things: The awkward.. oh... i know you... oh wait. whaaaa?!
Date 6
Name: Homeless Vampire
Looks like: a goth punk kid... 15 years later
Age: late 30s
Stats:
has six children... SIX!
is homeless and lives in his car
worked at mcdonalds
is a self-proclaimed vampire... A SELF-PROCLAIMED VAMPIRE!!!!
his eyes turn from dark brown to "really dark brown" on halloween
has a tattoo of a tear coming out of his eye for his dead husband
Good Things: um... he lives/d a hard life... way for him to be here.
Bad Things: i want to make fun of him, but i don't want him to come and suck my blood. also where are your kids right now? in your home-car? thats awful. i know. slap me.
Date 7
Name: Big Guy
Looks like: a former NFL player. stocky and tall.
Age: 36
Stats:
likes disney world
always knew he was gay
those are the only two things he wants to talk about
Good Things: super sweet and nice, made me laugh.
Bad Things: not my ideal type and a titch too old, but if he'd asked for my number i'd have given it to him on the condition he come up with better conversation material on a real date. alas, he did not. oh well!
Date 8
Name: Possible Learning Disorder
Looks Like: A giant drooling teddy bear
Age: 22
Stats:
likes lollipops
speaks in what can only be described as a consistent falsetto
once drove 3 hours to go on a date and the guy ditched him
is very clingly
doesn't meet people very often
Good Things: He was the last date, so I kept looking over to The Hottest Guy There to make eye contact and say... "when the bell rings, you come right over here"... he did
Bad Things: oh honey... you just need a friend. i am not him.
Overall Evening Score: B+, helped by the fact that THGT gave me a hug and we made plans to see each other again.
speed dating, totes hilarious, totes worth it.
Sometimes I go on multiple dates in one evening
Names have been changed to protect the numerous
What: Speed Dating
Where: A Club
Who: two dozen supposedly single day men
Why: my friend Sean had organized this event for the local LGBTQ community, and invited me along, so I agreed. My other friend Louie who also works there drove us as we had planned our outfits carefully b/c even if we're only meeting creepy old guys, we still need to look hot. What follows is an account of each of the 10-ish minute dates I went on, and the hilarity that ensued.
Date 1
Name: Grandpa
Looks Like: Beardy and Baldy and a Bear
Age: upwards of 50
Stats:
has 3 children (two of which are older than me)
and an indeterminable amount of grandchildren
teaches 3rd grade
came out after his wife cheated on him
Good Things: he was incredibly nice. and gave me hope for my gay future. although the decade of marriage to a woman might not be the route i take. no thanks.
Bad Things: obviously not anywhere near my age, no thank you.
Date 2
Name: Ugly Dye Job
Looks Like: a mixed race dancer with bleached hair... ew
Age: 20
Stats:
makes more money than me
likes to brag about that fact
had an upcoming birthday party that i just HAVE TO COME TO!
apparently thinks blonde hair looks cute on him. unnecessary.
Good Things: He was nice... and thats about the only positive adjective he can claim
Bad Things: Too young, and kept checking out the other guys there. Wandering eye is a no-no.
Date 3
Name: Dr. Douche
Looks Like: nondescript. which is just sad when you think about it.
Age: 30-ish
Stats:
is a doctor is a hospital
does not find it funny when asked if he is serious about that
has a very particular type
makes 5 minute dates excruciatingly awkward
Good Things: thank god he has that job, that'll land some sad gay.
Bad Things: ok, i can deal with the fact that you aren't into me. this is speed dating, not everyone is going to be your ideal type. but for reals, at least try for 5 minutes and don't shut me out. asshole.
Date 4
Name: The Hottest Guy There
Looks Like: See above... ok, ok, blonde hair, ideal height, great eyes and smile.
Age: 26
Stats:
Has a steady job
Likes to chat
Was nervous about talking to me, which means he thinks I'm cute too.
Didn't want to switch when the 5 minutes was up.
Got my number before 3 minutes had passed.
Good Things: great to talk to, super cute, pretty much awesome at everything. i'm definitely seeing this guy again.
Bad Things: Not grabbing my hand and leading me out of there immediately.
Date 5
Name: Whaaaaa?!
Looks Like: A kid who lived on my hall freshmen year... BECAUSE HE IS!
Age: 25
Stats:
professor
the first black person with whom i've ever gone on a date
blew my mind that he's gay
why weren't we better friends?
Good Things: catching up and hearing each other's stories.
Bad Things: The awkward.. oh... i know you... oh wait. whaaaa?!
Date 6
Name: Homeless Vampire
Looks like: a goth punk kid... 15 years later
Age: late 30s
Stats:
has six children... SIX!
is homeless and lives in his car
worked at mcdonalds
is a self-proclaimed vampire... A SELF-PROCLAIMED VAMPIRE!!!!
his eyes turn from dark brown to "really dark brown" on halloween
has a tattoo of a tear coming out of his eye for his dead husband
Good Things: um... he lives/d a hard life... way for him to be here.
Bad Things: i want to make fun of him, but i don't want him to come and suck my blood. also where are your kids right now? in your home-car? thats awful. i know. slap me.
Date 7
Name: Big Guy
Looks like: a former NFL player. stocky and tall.
Age: 36
Stats:
likes disney world
always knew he was gay
those are the only two things he wants to talk about
Good Things: super sweet and nice, made me laugh.
Bad Things: not my ideal type and a titch too old, but if he'd asked for my number i'd have given it to him on the condition he come up with better conversation material on a real date. alas, he did not. oh well!
Date 8
Name: Possible Learning Disorder
Looks Like: A giant drooling teddy bear
Age: 22
Stats:
likes lollipops
speaks in what can only be described as a consistent falsetto
once drove 3 hours to go on a date and the guy ditched him
is very clingly
doesn't meet people very often
Good Things: He was the last date, so I kept looking over to The Hottest Guy There to make eye contact and say... "when the bell rings, you come right over here"... he did
Bad Things: oh honey... you just need a friend. i am not him.
Overall Evening Score: B+, helped by the fact that THGT gave me a hug and we made plans to see each other again.
speed dating, totes hilarious, totes worth it.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
You Should Really Bring Your A-Game for Round Two
Sometimes you are just plain desperate
Names have been changed to protect the embarrassing.
Name of Date: Redneck Mike
Date #: 2
Title of Last Date: You Might Be A Gay Redneck If....
Amount of Time Between Last Date: 2 weeks
What Happened: When I left my last date with R.M. I said I told myself I wouldn't go out with him again unless he got plastic surgery. As I mentioned in my last entry... I don't have time for uglies. However he called and said a group of his friend were getting together to go to a haunted house. I didn't want to see him. But I've never been to a haunted house and I really wanted to go. Plus he'd probably pay AND other gay friends of his might open up some awesome opportunity:
"Oh my that scary chainsaw guy scared me I needed to grab your hand"
"thats not my..."
"shhhh"
"i'm not even your..."
"SSHHHHH!!"
Shameless but effective.
So I meet up with him after he gets off work. I get there and he's like the king of under prepared. He doesn't know where the place is, how much it costs, anything. I thought maybe his friends would have helped him out, but no. Apparently they're just as awesome. Which is not at all. So we literally sit in his car while he calls 20 million people to figure out whats going on.
thirty minutes later. I am not exaggerating. THIRTY MINUTES LATER we learn that his friends don't want to go. the place is an hour away... and closes in 20 minutes. mother... fucker...
He suggests we go back to his place.
I have two options.
a). leave sad unattractive clogger alone and get in my car and be home by 9pm on a friday night
b). go to his place and see where the evening takes me.
For $1 million and a possible case of scabies... my final answer is B!
We go to his place listening to terrible music along the way. He actually had a decent apartment and I'm kind of surprised. When I walk in we immediately hear people in one of the bedrooms and go to investigate. There is his gay roommate (not much cuter) and another friend (much cuter thankyouplease) watching porn.
No joke. Porn. Welcome to Awkward-ville. Population: Me.
They aren't jerking off or anything. Just watching it, like its your everyday movie. I guess some people actually do watch porn for the plot. who knew? we exchange hellos and head into the kitchen to get food. he pulls out this frozen spinach artichoke dip thing from tgifridays and heats it up.
damn i'm a sucker for some spinach artichoke dip. if i was samson, it would be my hair. my gooey cheesy delicious hair.
He suggests we watch a movie. Uh-oh. Y'all know what that means. I tell him I'm not sure and he says he just rented "Blades of Glory.".....
Seriously. Homo rented that? I thought it was impossible to judge you any more than I already was. And you seriously think you can seduce ME with that piece of shit movie? I'm laughing on the inside, and i'm suuuuper intrigued into how he is going to try to sleep with me with the least sexy food and the least sexy OR funny movie. I tell him to put it in.
The torture than ensued for the next 90 minutes was painstaking. If Amy Poheler had not been in that movie... I'd be in a coma until this day. DO NOT RESUSCITATE!
The movie ends and he makes his move. He leans in to kiss me... and is straight up DENIED. Ugh, why had I not used that awful 90 minutes to come up with some mtv style rejection a la "Dismissed"... I failed. All I did was lean back and say "I gotta go..." and left. Missed opportunity indeed.
Gained Points for: s to the p to i-n-a-c-h dip.
Lost Poins for: not taking me to a haunted house so i could ditch him and meet another hotter guy.
Mistakes I Made: Not just watching the porn with the other guys... it would have been a lot more enjoyable.
Chances for Another Date: Yeah seriously not ever again. You got a second chance you didn't deserve and blew it.
Overall Grade: D+
Names have been changed to protect the embarrassing.
Name of Date: Redneck Mike
Date #: 2
Title of Last Date: You Might Be A Gay Redneck If....
Amount of Time Between Last Date: 2 weeks
What Happened: When I left my last date with R.M. I said I told myself I wouldn't go out with him again unless he got plastic surgery. As I mentioned in my last entry... I don't have time for uglies. However he called and said a group of his friend were getting together to go to a haunted house. I didn't want to see him. But I've never been to a haunted house and I really wanted to go. Plus he'd probably pay AND other gay friends of his might open up some awesome opportunity:
"Oh my that scary chainsaw guy scared me I needed to grab your hand"
"thats not my..."
"shhhh"
"i'm not even your..."
"SSHHHHH!!"
Shameless but effective.
So I meet up with him after he gets off work. I get there and he's like the king of under prepared. He doesn't know where the place is, how much it costs, anything. I thought maybe his friends would have helped him out, but no. Apparently they're just as awesome. Which is not at all. So we literally sit in his car while he calls 20 million people to figure out whats going on.
thirty minutes later. I am not exaggerating. THIRTY MINUTES LATER we learn that his friends don't want to go. the place is an hour away... and closes in 20 minutes. mother... fucker...
He suggests we go back to his place.
I have two options.
a). leave sad unattractive clogger alone and get in my car and be home by 9pm on a friday night
b). go to his place and see where the evening takes me.
For $1 million and a possible case of scabies... my final answer is B!
We go to his place listening to terrible music along the way. He actually had a decent apartment and I'm kind of surprised. When I walk in we immediately hear people in one of the bedrooms and go to investigate. There is his gay roommate (not much cuter) and another friend (much cuter thankyouplease) watching porn.
No joke. Porn. Welcome to Awkward-ville. Population: Me.
They aren't jerking off or anything. Just watching it, like its your everyday movie. I guess some people actually do watch porn for the plot. who knew? we exchange hellos and head into the kitchen to get food. he pulls out this frozen spinach artichoke dip thing from tgifridays and heats it up.
damn i'm a sucker for some spinach artichoke dip. if i was samson, it would be my hair. my gooey cheesy delicious hair.
He suggests we watch a movie. Uh-oh. Y'all know what that means. I tell him I'm not sure and he says he just rented "Blades of Glory.".....
Seriously. Homo rented that? I thought it was impossible to judge you any more than I already was. And you seriously think you can seduce ME with that piece of shit movie? I'm laughing on the inside, and i'm suuuuper intrigued into how he is going to try to sleep with me with the least sexy food and the least sexy OR funny movie. I tell him to put it in.
The torture than ensued for the next 90 minutes was painstaking. If Amy Poheler had not been in that movie... I'd be in a coma until this day. DO NOT RESUSCITATE!
The movie ends and he makes his move. He leans in to kiss me... and is straight up DENIED. Ugh, why had I not used that awful 90 minutes to come up with some mtv style rejection a la "Dismissed"... I failed. All I did was lean back and say "I gotta go..." and left. Missed opportunity indeed.
Gained Points for: s to the p to i-n-a-c-h dip.
Lost Poins for: not taking me to a haunted house so i could ditch him and meet another hotter guy.
Mistakes I Made: Not just watching the porn with the other guys... it would have been a lot more enjoyable.
Chances for Another Date: Yeah seriously not ever again. You got a second chance you didn't deserve and blew it.
Overall Grade: D+
Saturday, August 22, 2009
The Man Without a Conscience
Sometimes people are just plain fishy.
Names have been changed to protect the unscrupulous.
Name of Date: Shady
Date #: 1
Looks Like: Kenneth Parcell from 30 Rock, but he has a chin. and is cute. Homo don't date no uglies.
Age: 26
Occupation: Satan's Assistant/Evil-Doer
Where We Met: MySpace... go ahead. judge it.
What Happened: I forget who first messaged whom on myspace, but it happened. Somehow a conversation began between the two of us. This slim blonde haired well-dressed guy was eye-catching and worthy of more than the "oh. thank you. i'm flattered. but i'm really just looking to make friends." e-mail.
We agree to meet for coffee and then meet up with some friends of his later at the gay club. I know, I know. A gay club on a first date? Risky move... but he suggested and I wasn't going to say no just yet.
I do my usual thing where I get there early and make sure I pick the best table so that I look hot in the lighting. I also need like 10 minutes to think about what I'm going to order so that when the time comes I can recite it like its the usj or something. Starbucks is intimidating people, don't even pretend its not. And you KNOW you feel like an idiot when the barista is like "Next?" and you're all "Um.. I'll have the um... mocha... um... venti... um" ORDERING FAIL!
So anyway, Shady shows up (looking good in a very expensive and trendy sweater, yes, please!) and we do the whole get to know you conversation. I talk about myself for a while, cause I love to do that. Then its his turn. First thing he tells me is that I have the same name as his ex. "uhh... thanks?" I don't know if he has a thing for guys with my name or if its going to be a deal breaker (It sooo would be for me). Then, I ask what he does. And he says this without the slightest hint of shame: "I work for an insurance company. Its my job to make sure the company doesn't give out money."
Excuse me?
"Yeah... I deny insurance claims. Even if they're justified. My job is to say no to everything."
I am appalled... and obvs call him out on it. "So people who need this money to survive, who are stuggling and who knows what else, aren't getting money they DESERVE because you say no?"
"yes"
I ask him how he can live with himself, to do something so morally reprehinsble. He says "oh, its fine. they pay me well. did you see my car? its badass."
I am tempted to throw coffee on him and walk out the door right then. This guy is a total creep. He feels no guilt over what he does, what does that say about how he functions in a relationship? The warning sign is flashing "GET THE EFF OUT" but, because of you lovies, I stay and decide that for my fans, the date must be seen through.
We get to the club and meet his friend who is infitely more fun and interesting than him, but he isn't nearly as hot... so the two balance out. What? You were thinking the same thing. So we begin dancing/drinking and his friend asks "So is Tim gonna be here tonight?" "I'm already here, I say, I'm..." then it hits me. He means Shady's ex.
Shady nods and says "he texted me. he is performing tonight." uh.... Performing? I question. "Yeah... Tim is a dancer here."
You mean Tim is a trashy ho stripper and I'm here to make your ex jealous? Thats what you mean?!
.... Kinda.
I march away and kick myself for not driving my own car. I could get a cab? No. I'm too cheap. I acutally am stuck in this crappy gay club until they are ready to go. Well no way in hell am I going to be some selfish prick's arm candy to make his trashy ex jealous. I know you are suprised. This sounds like just the kind of thing I would LURVE to do. You know? Re-enact some classic scenes from the Creek or Gossip Girl. Be the center of Drama and walk away without any responsibility... but this guy is so sleazy. What he does for a living, how nonchalant he is about using me. Its all too weird. Even for me.
It is then when I notice some hot little thing eyeing me. We being to dance. We begin to make out. I am positive that Shady sees this. WHO IS THE TRASHY HO NOW?! oh wait.. .thats not something to be proud of. whoops! He gets the picture that I want to be taken home... and we leave. I ask for HLT's # as I'm walking out the door but he says "sorry... i don't have a phone." Being shady always begets shady. Touche.
Gained Points for: Assuming I'm hot enough to make someone jealous. Thats kind of flattering.
Lost Points for: Being creepy and skeevy and making want to vomit and slap him simultaneously.
Mistakes I Made: Trying to out-trash him. That is never a good decision. My come-uppance was justified.
Chances for Another Date: Yeah no.
Overall Grade: D
Names have been changed to protect the unscrupulous.
Name of Date: Shady
Date #: 1
Looks Like: Kenneth Parcell from 30 Rock, but he has a chin. and is cute. Homo don't date no uglies.
Age: 26
Occupation: Satan's Assistant/Evil-Doer
Where We Met: MySpace... go ahead. judge it.
What Happened: I forget who first messaged whom on myspace, but it happened. Somehow a conversation began between the two of us. This slim blonde haired well-dressed guy was eye-catching and worthy of more than the "oh. thank you. i'm flattered. but i'm really just looking to make friends." e-mail.
We agree to meet for coffee and then meet up with some friends of his later at the gay club. I know, I know. A gay club on a first date? Risky move... but he suggested and I wasn't going to say no just yet.
I do my usual thing where I get there early and make sure I pick the best table so that I look hot in the lighting. I also need like 10 minutes to think about what I'm going to order so that when the time comes I can recite it like its the usj or something. Starbucks is intimidating people, don't even pretend its not. And you KNOW you feel like an idiot when the barista is like "Next?" and you're all "Um.. I'll have the um... mocha... um... venti... um" ORDERING FAIL!
So anyway, Shady shows up (looking good in a very expensive and trendy sweater, yes, please!) and we do the whole get to know you conversation. I talk about myself for a while, cause I love to do that. Then its his turn. First thing he tells me is that I have the same name as his ex. "uhh... thanks?" I don't know if he has a thing for guys with my name or if its going to be a deal breaker (It sooo would be for me). Then, I ask what he does. And he says this without the slightest hint of shame: "I work for an insurance company. Its my job to make sure the company doesn't give out money."
Excuse me?
"Yeah... I deny insurance claims. Even if they're justified. My job is to say no to everything."
I am appalled... and obvs call him out on it. "So people who need this money to survive, who are stuggling and who knows what else, aren't getting money they DESERVE because you say no?"
"yes"
I ask him how he can live with himself, to do something so morally reprehinsble. He says "oh, its fine. they pay me well. did you see my car? its badass."
I am tempted to throw coffee on him and walk out the door right then. This guy is a total creep. He feels no guilt over what he does, what does that say about how he functions in a relationship? The warning sign is flashing "GET THE EFF OUT" but, because of you lovies, I stay and decide that for my fans, the date must be seen through.
We get to the club and meet his friend who is infitely more fun and interesting than him, but he isn't nearly as hot... so the two balance out. What? You were thinking the same thing. So we begin dancing/drinking and his friend asks "So is Tim gonna be here tonight?" "I'm already here, I say, I'm..." then it hits me. He means Shady's ex.
Shady nods and says "he texted me. he is performing tonight." uh.... Performing? I question. "Yeah... Tim is a dancer here."
You mean Tim is a trashy ho stripper and I'm here to make your ex jealous? Thats what you mean?!
.... Kinda.
I march away and kick myself for not driving my own car. I could get a cab? No. I'm too cheap. I acutally am stuck in this crappy gay club until they are ready to go. Well no way in hell am I going to be some selfish prick's arm candy to make his trashy ex jealous. I know you are suprised. This sounds like just the kind of thing I would LURVE to do. You know? Re-enact some classic scenes from the Creek or Gossip Girl. Be the center of Drama and walk away without any responsibility... but this guy is so sleazy. What he does for a living, how nonchalant he is about using me. Its all too weird. Even for me.
It is then when I notice some hot little thing eyeing me. We being to dance. We begin to make out. I am positive that Shady sees this. WHO IS THE TRASHY HO NOW?! oh wait.. .thats not something to be proud of. whoops! He gets the picture that I want to be taken home... and we leave. I ask for HLT's # as I'm walking out the door but he says "sorry... i don't have a phone." Being shady always begets shady. Touche.
Gained Points for: Assuming I'm hot enough to make someone jealous. Thats kind of flattering.
Lost Points for: Being creepy and skeevy and making want to vomit and slap him simultaneously.
Mistakes I Made: Trying to out-trash him. That is never a good decision. My come-uppance was justified.
Chances for Another Date: Yeah no.
Overall Grade: D
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