Sometimes you gotta go what you gotta do.
Names have been changed to protect the cowardly.
Name of Date: Too Good to be True
Date #: 2
Title of Last Date: Abuse of Power
Amount of Time Between Last Date: A Week
What Happened: When last we left TGTBT, I was doing a little box step/grapevine/pas de bourres of joy in my head because this hot freshmen was into me. It seemed things were in my favor. After a year of the universe positively crapping on my romantic life, things were looking up.
TGTBT and I had hung out a few times since then. You know, the usj. Massages and Makeouts on my roommate's bed. (I had the top bunk, it was just easier not to attempt the climb). Don't worry. He never knew. Probably.
This day, however, we were going to go "public" with our "relationship" by attending our college's spring dance as a couple. I was quite excited and thrilled. It also helped that it fell on the same day as GAY DAY at my school. Ok it wasn't called "Gay Day" but thats what it felt like. It was a day dedicated to the discussion of homosexuality and religion. In other words, long overdue. This only fueled my activist nature and fired me up for our evening out.
We both got dressed up in our semi-formal gear. I hate that word semi. What good has that done for anyone? Semi-truck? Ew. Semi-Circle? Oh bitch, please. Semi-hard? Call me when you're all the way. Plus "semi-formal" is so vague. Is a sport coat too much? Is a tie required? Dressy Tennis shoes ok? Just make it formal or not. You'd save a lot of headaches and there'd be less trashy girls in forever 21 gear.
We both wore blue dress shirts. Which was cute. Trust me. I may be cynical, but hot couples dressing alike is cute. I MEAN IT!
We have dinner at friendly's. Yes I am hanging my head in shame. Feel free to judge. I'll wait while you shake your head and wag your finger.... This is also where we took our one and ONLY picture of the two of us. Those of you who are my facebook friend, it is still tagged.
When we make it to the dance, we are the first ones to break the hymen of the dance floor. Gays don't get to break a lot of hymens, so when we get the chance to bust up some metaphorical ones... we take it. We were all over each other, grinding, sweating, groping. It was hot. I mean: damn. We attracted a lot of attention, obvi. Some random people even took pictures of us. I opted to pretend like I was a hot celebrity and not some carnival oddity, which I'm sure they thought we were.
Overall I was super proud of him. He had just come out and dedicated this evening to making a statement. Two boys danced together all night at a Christian College dance. Kudos to him.
Anyway, we leave and on the way home agree to change and meet back up at my place to "watch a movie."
hahahaha bingo.
Well about 45 minutes pass, and he hasn't show up.... So I call him. He says he is tired.
I'm not convinced.
I press the issue and he says he thinks we are taking things too fast and should stop.
uh.... WHAT THE EFFING HELL?!?
He pretty much "breaks-up" with me right there with some lame-ass story about how this is all too hard for him, and he wants to be pure and blah blah fucking blah. I'm so over it at this point, that I don't even care. He can go off and fuck angels for all I care. Pure. HA!
So I go off and call one of the hot guys I met that day who had come to speak to our campus. Get it.
Apparently, "Too Good to be True" was pretty accurate.
Gained Points for: His initial bravery.
Lost Points for: Not following through.
Mistakes I Made: Assuming he was ready
Chances for Another Date: Well... I paid him $10 to come over and massage me again hoping that would lead to something. I'm not kidding. I legit paid him to come over.... and nothing happened. I'm pathetic.
Overall Grade: C-
NEW CATEGORY!
Epilogue: so much much much much much later.... I find out that TGTBT has claimed that a senator has raped him. I'm shocked. However, the senator was all "um. hell no. he is a prostitute and i have the tapes to prove it".... AND HE DID!
soooo... TGTBT went off to prison for a while. I like to think his "pure" speech comforted him in that time... and that my massage money opened the door to a career path for him. helping others is what i'm all about.
he is kind of a huge joke amongst my friends now.
i. win.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
Better With Age
Sometimes you are in the right place at the right time.
Names have been changed to protect the international.
Name of Date: Sexy Accent
Date #: 1
Looks Like: A retired drop dead gorgeous abercrombie and fitch model.
Age: 40-ish
Occupation: Computer networking type things
Where We Met: Ok. So. TRUE STORY. I'm on the beach in my "hello i am gay" tiny yellow trunks and he walks past me and I totes check him out. I walk about 20 paces and he taps on my shoulder. "Excuse me" he said, in a very sexy accent and proceeded to introduce himself and ask me out. I KNOW!
What Happened: So after exchanging info and stuff he calls to invite me out to ANOTHER beach. Unfortunately I have to work that evening so he says we'll just take a quick walk on it and then grab dinner. I am reluctant for 3 reasons
a. he is clearly in his forties. am i becoming that guy? that young twink who has some weird father fetish. are my daddy issues manifest in agreeing to go out with him? will people stare at us? i mean more than elderly people generally stare a 2 boys on a date.
b. i am also kinda maybe a little bit dating someone else. regularly. but we aren't official. is it cheating? i don't know.
c. i am tired.
long story short this guy is so damn sexy and his accent makes me weak in the knees so... I agree.
He pulls up to my place in one of the most gorgeous cars I've ever seen. I know nothing about cars so I can't tell you what it is or anything about it. But after seeing it, I totes get why girls date guys who have nice cars. It was luxurious. siiiiigh.
On the way to the beach we discuss where he is from (South Africa). Where he lives now (LA). And why he's in town (A job). He said the second he saw me he knew I was gay (thank you, tiny yellow swim trunks) and knew he wanted to ask me out. I am flattered cause this guy is way hot and must have plenty of guys to choose from in LA. He probably goes out to clubs every night and meets closeted celebrities (i'm imagining zefron) and gets to perform unspeakable acts on them. but today, that closeted celebrity is me. sorta. I'm pretty much on cloud nine. Also he plays french indie music on his satellite radio. I don't understand it. BUT IT IS SO CLASSY AND HIP.
We get to the beach and begin walking up and down. I pretend to not notice him checking out other guys. But, its hard not to. I mean shirtless wet men. Its kind of necessary. Luckily he doesn't comment on any of them. Or worse as me to take of my shirt to compare. I can tell he's built because he's wearing a wife beater and his pecs/biceps is all over the places. Swoon.
We continue to discuss our lives. And dental history for some reason. I don't even know. It came up and I was so enamored I'd have talked about anything.
After our walk we drive into town and he takes me to a cute but upscale outdoor cafe. I am anxious about ordering. Ordering food on a first date is tricky business. Do you go simple and get a salad? You could look pretentious. Be classic and order a burger? You could look unhealthy. Get a steak? Too expensive. Get pasta? Carbs = the gay's kryptonite. WHAT TO DO? I am starving and really want the burger. As if on cue he says "Don't judge me, but I'm gonna get the burger." I immediately like him more, if thats even possible.
At the end of the meal he pays (ka-ching!) and I get home in time to change before work. We exchange a hug and make plans to hang out again. I am walking on clouds.
Gained Points for: having a sexy-ass accent. and paying. and driving a sweet car. and muscles.
Lost Points for: not holding my hand on the walk. that would have been sweet. or maybe sweaty. either way i'd have been up for it. oh and also being like 15 years too old for me. he should work on that.
Mistakes I Made: Not going in for a kiss on the cheek at the end of the date. I would have been totes approp. (3rd time i've used totes in the entry. THATS THE 4TH!)
Chances for another date: Yes please, I would.
Overall Grade: B+
Names have been changed to protect the international.
Name of Date: Sexy Accent
Date #: 1
Looks Like: A retired drop dead gorgeous abercrombie and fitch model.
Age: 40-ish
Occupation: Computer networking type things
Where We Met: Ok. So. TRUE STORY. I'm on the beach in my "hello i am gay" tiny yellow trunks and he walks past me and I totes check him out. I walk about 20 paces and he taps on my shoulder. "Excuse me" he said, in a very sexy accent and proceeded to introduce himself and ask me out. I KNOW!
What Happened: So after exchanging info and stuff he calls to invite me out to ANOTHER beach. Unfortunately I have to work that evening so he says we'll just take a quick walk on it and then grab dinner. I am reluctant for 3 reasons
a. he is clearly in his forties. am i becoming that guy? that young twink who has some weird father fetish. are my daddy issues manifest in agreeing to go out with him? will people stare at us? i mean more than elderly people generally stare a 2 boys on a date.
b. i am also kinda maybe a little bit dating someone else. regularly. but we aren't official. is it cheating? i don't know.
c. i am tired.
long story short this guy is so damn sexy and his accent makes me weak in the knees so... I agree.
He pulls up to my place in one of the most gorgeous cars I've ever seen. I know nothing about cars so I can't tell you what it is or anything about it. But after seeing it, I totes get why girls date guys who have nice cars. It was luxurious. siiiiigh.
On the way to the beach we discuss where he is from (South Africa). Where he lives now (LA). And why he's in town (A job). He said the second he saw me he knew I was gay (thank you, tiny yellow swim trunks) and knew he wanted to ask me out. I am flattered cause this guy is way hot and must have plenty of guys to choose from in LA. He probably goes out to clubs every night and meets closeted celebrities (i'm imagining zefron) and gets to perform unspeakable acts on them. but today, that closeted celebrity is me. sorta. I'm pretty much on cloud nine. Also he plays french indie music on his satellite radio. I don't understand it. BUT IT IS SO CLASSY AND HIP.
We get to the beach and begin walking up and down. I pretend to not notice him checking out other guys. But, its hard not to. I mean shirtless wet men. Its kind of necessary. Luckily he doesn't comment on any of them. Or worse as me to take of my shirt to compare. I can tell he's built because he's wearing a wife beater and his pecs/biceps is all over the places. Swoon.
We continue to discuss our lives. And dental history for some reason. I don't even know. It came up and I was so enamored I'd have talked about anything.
After our walk we drive into town and he takes me to a cute but upscale outdoor cafe. I am anxious about ordering. Ordering food on a first date is tricky business. Do you go simple and get a salad? You could look pretentious. Be classic and order a burger? You could look unhealthy. Get a steak? Too expensive. Get pasta? Carbs = the gay's kryptonite. WHAT TO DO? I am starving and really want the burger. As if on cue he says "Don't judge me, but I'm gonna get the burger." I immediately like him more, if thats even possible.
At the end of the meal he pays (ka-ching!) and I get home in time to change before work. We exchange a hug and make plans to hang out again. I am walking on clouds.
Gained Points for: having a sexy-ass accent. and paying. and driving a sweet car. and muscles.
Lost Points for: not holding my hand on the walk. that would have been sweet. or maybe sweaty. either way i'd have been up for it. oh and also being like 15 years too old for me. he should work on that.
Mistakes I Made: Not going in for a kiss on the cheek at the end of the date. I would have been totes approp. (3rd time i've used totes in the entry. THATS THE 4TH!)
Chances for another date: Yes please, I would.
Overall Grade: B+
Friday, July 10, 2009
Hall Pass
Sometimes I feel like I'm in high school again
Names have been changed to protect the unexperienced.
Name of Date: The Flautist
Date #: 1
Looks Like: A severely skinny and possibly asian version of Kevin from the backstreet boys..... I'll give you a minute to process that image.
Age: 19
Occupation: Music Student
Where We Met: www.gaychristiandating.com (Yes, it exists. I'll wait while you confirm that.)
What Happened: so we met online and I was wary of actually meeting The Flautist in person because he had the same name as my first boyfriend. who is now my ex. obvi. names are important and i can't just be saying this kid's name while he's "hittin' the walls and working the middle" (points to you if you get that reference) if it's the same as some other asshole's and then i start to think about HIM. not ok. you know what i mean? i finally justified meeting him because he spelled it differently. why that makes a difference, i don't know, it just does.
so we both had crazy busy schedules and the only day for like a month that would work for me, he had a flute recital that day. do i need to repeat that? HE HAD A FLUTE RECITAL THAT DAY. those. exist.
i don't know where my mind was but i agreed to go to his recital and then we could hang out afterward. i figured it might last 30 minutes at the longest and I could be the mysterious cute guy sitting in the back. i might even give myself an alias. Hot Gonnamakeyousweat or something...
We meet up (at a mall. i won't even. i mean. a mall? srsly?) and we exchange quick hellos because I need to follow him to the recital hall. He seems nice enough. I'm not too freaked out yet.When we get there I notice many other awkward almost adults carrying various instrument cases inside. Its like that moment at Wal Mart when you realize your only option is to stand in line behind 5 people with full carts or abandon your $5 bin DVD right there. I was going to be in for a looooong afternoon.
He introduces me to another friend of his who comes and it is expected we will sit together. I silently resent her for taking away my mysteriousness.
Then his parents show up. He has the sense not to introduce me. Thank GOODNESS. But they know. They see a sexy mysterious guy hanging out with his friend and they know. They know I'm the guy trying to steal their precious son into the world of homosezzuality. I am an instant enemy.
4 hours later the concert ends. Well. not really. But it feels like it. I don't even remember if he's talented or not. I then have to sit through an agonizing hour of photo taking. With the teacher, with his friend, with the other students. on and on and on. Can a brother get a sandwich?
When we finally leave and head to dinner alone at Carabbas we get to talk. He is slightly boring and has no real opinion about anything. We learn we have a mutual friend. We friend is a loose term. We know someone in common who is a mofo. Not just a mofo, but the kind of person you acitvely avoid. Since THEY are friends, he looses more points.
Dinner ends and we get back in his car so he can drive me back to mine and I can drive home. He ends up pulling into a parking garage so we can be "alone." I should have asked him to drive me back. I should have declined any advances. But jump cut to me making out with him in his station wago while awkwardly moving to the back seat. Its at this point I realize that the kid has probably never gone on a date before or he wouldn't have done any of this. He's so clueless about what to do. Its almost endearing.
Long story short we exchange handy j's.... its not that great. He didn't really "prepare" so... its awkward. I feel like i'm in high school again. I mean if I dated boys in high school. I'm assuming this is what popular 17 year old girls feel like: sitting through their boyfriend's basketball game only to get a mediocre groping later in his pick up. Depressing.
Gained Points for: not introducing me to his parents? thats really all I can think of
Lost Points for: taking me back to high school
Mistakes I Made: Letting him undo my pants. Not wise.
Chances for Another Date: ehhh... I'd do it again, but only if I planned it.
Overall Grade: C+
Names have been changed to protect the unexperienced.
Name of Date: The Flautist
Date #: 1
Looks Like: A severely skinny and possibly asian version of Kevin from the backstreet boys..... I'll give you a minute to process that image.
Age: 19
Occupation: Music Student
Where We Met: www.gaychristiandating.com (Yes, it exists. I'll wait while you confirm that.)
What Happened: so we met online and I was wary of actually meeting The Flautist in person because he had the same name as my first boyfriend. who is now my ex. obvi. names are important and i can't just be saying this kid's name while he's "hittin' the walls and working the middle" (points to you if you get that reference) if it's the same as some other asshole's and then i start to think about HIM. not ok. you know what i mean? i finally justified meeting him because he spelled it differently. why that makes a difference, i don't know, it just does.
so we both had crazy busy schedules and the only day for like a month that would work for me, he had a flute recital that day. do i need to repeat that? HE HAD A FLUTE RECITAL THAT DAY. those. exist.
i don't know where my mind was but i agreed to go to his recital and then we could hang out afterward. i figured it might last 30 minutes at the longest and I could be the mysterious cute guy sitting in the back. i might even give myself an alias. Hot Gonnamakeyousweat or something...
We meet up (at a mall. i won't even. i mean. a mall? srsly?) and we exchange quick hellos because I need to follow him to the recital hall. He seems nice enough. I'm not too freaked out yet.When we get there I notice many other awkward almost adults carrying various instrument cases inside. Its like that moment at Wal Mart when you realize your only option is to stand in line behind 5 people with full carts or abandon your $5 bin DVD right there. I was going to be in for a looooong afternoon.
He introduces me to another friend of his who comes and it is expected we will sit together. I silently resent her for taking away my mysteriousness.
Then his parents show up. He has the sense not to introduce me. Thank GOODNESS. But they know. They see a sexy mysterious guy hanging out with his friend and they know. They know I'm the guy trying to steal their precious son into the world of homosezzuality. I am an instant enemy.
4 hours later the concert ends. Well. not really. But it feels like it. I don't even remember if he's talented or not. I then have to sit through an agonizing hour of photo taking. With the teacher, with his friend, with the other students. on and on and on. Can a brother get a sandwich?
When we finally leave and head to dinner alone at Carabbas we get to talk. He is slightly boring and has no real opinion about anything. We learn we have a mutual friend. We friend is a loose term. We know someone in common who is a mofo. Not just a mofo, but the kind of person you acitvely avoid. Since THEY are friends, he looses more points.
Dinner ends and we get back in his car so he can drive me back to mine and I can drive home. He ends up pulling into a parking garage so we can be "alone." I should have asked him to drive me back. I should have declined any advances. But jump cut to me making out with him in his station wago while awkwardly moving to the back seat. Its at this point I realize that the kid has probably never gone on a date before or he wouldn't have done any of this. He's so clueless about what to do. Its almost endearing.
Long story short we exchange handy j's.... its not that great. He didn't really "prepare" so... its awkward. I feel like i'm in high school again. I mean if I dated boys in high school. I'm assuming this is what popular 17 year old girls feel like: sitting through their boyfriend's basketball game only to get a mediocre groping later in his pick up. Depressing.
Gained Points for: not introducing me to his parents? thats really all I can think of
Lost Points for: taking me back to high school
Mistakes I Made: Letting him undo my pants. Not wise.
Chances for Another Date: ehhh... I'd do it again, but only if I planned it.
Overall Grade: C+
Thursday, July 9, 2009
You Want Me to What!?
Sometimes I'm lazy.
Names have been changed to protect the active.
Name of Date: Slim Fast
Date #: 2
Title of Last Date: A Thin Line Between Trashy and Classy
Amount of Time Between Last Date: 2 weeks
What Happened: So Slim Fast told me he had planned a special date for us. One that would take all day. I always get really excited when the other guy plans the date because then I don't have to think about it... and he usually pays for it. And taking all day? Yes PLEASE! That means its more than dinner and a movie. Or bowling. Or something else contrived that guys will tend to pass off as the most original idea in the world while I silently roll my eyes and judge them for mediocrity.
So I get to his place and he tells me we're driving out to his mom's house. uh... meeting the parents? you don't just spring that on someone. i mean, meeting parents is easy for me 'cause i'm pretty and respectful. I like to think I'm what the parents of a gay son hope he brings home instead of a drag queen. But regardless, I needed preparation time. He assures me she isn't going to be there. uh... ok. well... driving 45 minutes away to fool around on your mom's couch while you have your own apartment seems pretty ridic to me. but... whatevs.
So we get there and right before her driveway is this gorgeous lake. Like truly beautiful. I comment on it and he's all... "well i'm glad you like it, cause we're going canoe-ing!"
hol' up.
prolonged intense physical activity on a date? i'm sorry, but thats like the WORST IDEA EVER. first off, if i'm getting sweaty, it better be because i'm in a sauna. secondly who would ever wear themselves out for hours with the promise of sex later on that night? clearly this kid didn't know anything about me.
I decide to be optimistic, however, and try my hardest to be "outdoorsy." I can handle paddling. I can't be that bad. Spoiler Alert: It is.
So the first thing we have to do is lug the thing out of his mom's garage and carry it the 200 yards to the lake. Its dirty, dusty, gross and I'm covered in ick. My arms are failing me and all I want to do now is lay down and have someone serve me a margarita. We eventually make it to the lake and cast off. And I'll admit, its nice... for like the first 5 minutes. Then I get bored. Its just stroke after stroke, and not the fun kind of stroking.
I think the universe could sense my boredom and said "oh hey. lets liven things up!" so it started to rain. So picture this: a frustrated gay boy in an unflattering life jacket cursing the heavens (and his date) in a canoe in the middle of a lake. That was my life.
We paddle to an island and I'm hoping we get to rest now. Not so much. "Time for a hike!" he exclaims. "In the rain?" "of course"
I don't know which is worse; actually going on the hike or throwing myself in the lake to drown. I consider the tragic death for a while. Slim Fast could even tell his friends that some dude totes killed himself while we were on a date. Then i figured that might not be as impressive to future potential dates and he'd probably appreciate not having to drag my lifeless body back to his mom's house.
I survive the hike, the paddling back, and the carrying the canoe back... but barely. I slept the whole car ride home. If God had wanted me to do outdoor things, he wouldn't have made me so pretty.
Gained Points for: Never losing his temper. He could have gotten super upset with me.
Lost Points for: Assuming I'd enjoy getting sweaty and gross.
Mistakes I Made: Not stressing it earlier that I like air conditioned environments.
Chances for Another Date: Pretty good. I let him know I do NOT want to do anything like that again. I think he got the message.
Overall Grade : C
Names have been changed to protect the active.
Name of Date: Slim Fast
Date #: 2
Title of Last Date: A Thin Line Between Trashy and Classy
Amount of Time Between Last Date: 2 weeks
What Happened: So Slim Fast told me he had planned a special date for us. One that would take all day. I always get really excited when the other guy plans the date because then I don't have to think about it... and he usually pays for it. And taking all day? Yes PLEASE! That means its more than dinner and a movie. Or bowling. Or something else contrived that guys will tend to pass off as the most original idea in the world while I silently roll my eyes and judge them for mediocrity.
So I get to his place and he tells me we're driving out to his mom's house. uh... meeting the parents? you don't just spring that on someone. i mean, meeting parents is easy for me 'cause i'm pretty and respectful. I like to think I'm what the parents of a gay son hope he brings home instead of a drag queen. But regardless, I needed preparation time. He assures me she isn't going to be there. uh... ok. well... driving 45 minutes away to fool around on your mom's couch while you have your own apartment seems pretty ridic to me. but... whatevs.
So we get there and right before her driveway is this gorgeous lake. Like truly beautiful. I comment on it and he's all... "well i'm glad you like it, cause we're going canoe-ing!"
hol' up.
prolonged intense physical activity on a date? i'm sorry, but thats like the WORST IDEA EVER. first off, if i'm getting sweaty, it better be because i'm in a sauna. secondly who would ever wear themselves out for hours with the promise of sex later on that night? clearly this kid didn't know anything about me.
I decide to be optimistic, however, and try my hardest to be "outdoorsy." I can handle paddling. I can't be that bad. Spoiler Alert: It is.
So the first thing we have to do is lug the thing out of his mom's garage and carry it the 200 yards to the lake. Its dirty, dusty, gross and I'm covered in ick. My arms are failing me and all I want to do now is lay down and have someone serve me a margarita. We eventually make it to the lake and cast off. And I'll admit, its nice... for like the first 5 minutes. Then I get bored. Its just stroke after stroke, and not the fun kind of stroking.
I think the universe could sense my boredom and said "oh hey. lets liven things up!" so it started to rain. So picture this: a frustrated gay boy in an unflattering life jacket cursing the heavens (and his date) in a canoe in the middle of a lake. That was my life.
We paddle to an island and I'm hoping we get to rest now. Not so much. "Time for a hike!" he exclaims. "In the rain?" "of course"
I don't know which is worse; actually going on the hike or throwing myself in the lake to drown. I consider the tragic death for a while. Slim Fast could even tell his friends that some dude totes killed himself while we were on a date. Then i figured that might not be as impressive to future potential dates and he'd probably appreciate not having to drag my lifeless body back to his mom's house.
I survive the hike, the paddling back, and the carrying the canoe back... but barely. I slept the whole car ride home. If God had wanted me to do outdoor things, he wouldn't have made me so pretty.
Gained Points for: Never losing his temper. He could have gotten super upset with me.
Lost Points for: Assuming I'd enjoy getting sweaty and gross.
Mistakes I Made: Not stressing it earlier that I like air conditioned environments.
Chances for Another Date: Pretty good. I let him know I do NOT want to do anything like that again. I think he got the message.
Overall Grade : C
Friday, July 3, 2009
Seriously!? Are you F***ing Kidding Me?
Sometimes guys are complete assholes.
Names have been changed to protect the oblivious.
Name of Date: Captain Fucktard
Date #: 3
Looks Like: Sean Astin.. a little bit? kinda.
Age: 31
Occupation: Private Contractor (whatever the hell that is)
Where We Met: Myspace. (never ever again!)
What Happened: Our first two dates were uneventful. Date number one was the old coffee standby which ended with a hand shake. Date two was chilling at his place while we chatted for 3 hours. Ended with a hug. I was hoping date three might end with a kiss. I'd feel like a real lady, for once.
We had plans to grab dinner. I call him when I get off work and he says that he has a friend who "dropped by, out of the blue." Disappointed, but playing it cool so I don't seem like the clingy mess I am, I tell him to have fun with him and gimme a call when they're done. He says "no. no. no. come to dinner with us. we can hang out afterward." I insist that this would be awkward since we aren't at the meeting the friends stage yet.
A digression. I hate the meeting the friends stage. This, for me, is worse than meeting the parents. I could care less what your dick-ish parents think, but your friend's opinion means the most. If a guy's friends don't like you, you can pretty much kiss that relationship goodbye. If his friend thinks you laugh weird; you are going to get one (maybe two if you're lucky) more dates. Without sex. And thats it. I ususally avoid this stage at all costs. I once dated a guy for five months, and he didn't mean a single one of my friends. That takes effort.
Anyway. I hesitantly agree and head over to his place, hoping this "friend" is cool and won't ruin my chances at getting to first base. Oh first base!!! Lip on Lip ACTION!
When I show up the "friend" is in his bedroom. Captain Fucktard calls out "hey, timmy is here. come meet him!"
I find it weird that a "friend" would be in the bedroom. I should always listen to my gut. That first warning sign that something isn't right and you need to leave with your dignity and hair intact. Unfortunately, I'm all "oh hey, voice of reason could you shut up, i'm trying to look pretty." When said "friend" emerges, I know exactly who it is. Its his ex. I recognizes him from the picture I was shown. His ex whom he spent 90 minutes talking to me about on our last date. The ex whom he lived with. The ex whom they have been together for years. The ex who was still in the closet... and the ex who he hadn't spoken to in months. He says they have "reconciled."
I should have picked up my jaw off the floor and walked out the door without saying a word. But I was in shock. How do you respond to that? What do you do?
Answer: You numbly get in the car with both of them and ride to the olive garden. obvi.
The whole car ride they gabbed about old times, old memories, old crap. I was so uncomfortable. The only comments I made were "uh hu" and "nu uh."
We arrive at the olive garden and are seated. The "friend," excuse me, the "ex," decides he doesn't want to eat there and we should leave. Zombie me, gets up, pushes my chair in and follows them outside. We get back in the car. Captain Fucktatd suggests we all rent a movie.
At this point, something snaps inside me. I have been on a date with while his ex-boyfriend tagged along. I've been made to feel uncomfortable, stupid, and ridiculous. Its that moment that siblings of celebrities have when they realize "hey! i can whore myself out too! get me a record deal, daddy!" clarity.
Captain Fucktard sees me with a look on my face and says "are you ok?"
i continue to stare, wondering if i'll speak
the ex pipes up "yeah? you've been quiet. are you upset?"
that does it. don't fucking play compassion, you date-wrecker.
I let it rip. "I am not ok. Not in the least. You bring me out with your ex?! You think thats a good idea? I thought this was a date. I thought WE were dating. Apparently not. I want to go home. Drive me back to my car. Now."
says. "i'm sorry.. i thought..."
"No." I shout back. "No more. JUST DRIVE."
He drives me back to my car in silence, and I never hear from him again.
Gained Points for: he didn't. no point gaining. none.
Lost points for: EVERYTHING. annnnnd! I didn't even get so much as an apology myspace message the next day. ass.
Mistakes I Made: Getting in the car. Idiot.
Chances for Another Date: When I turn straight. Which, I guess, it wouldn't matter then anyway.
Overall Score: F for FAIL
Names have been changed to protect the oblivious.
Name of Date: Captain Fucktard
Date #: 3
Looks Like: Sean Astin.. a little bit? kinda.
Age: 31
Occupation: Private Contractor (whatever the hell that is)
Where We Met: Myspace. (never ever again!)
What Happened: Our first two dates were uneventful. Date number one was the old coffee standby which ended with a hand shake. Date two was chilling at his place while we chatted for 3 hours. Ended with a hug. I was hoping date three might end with a kiss. I'd feel like a real lady, for once.
We had plans to grab dinner. I call him when I get off work and he says that he has a friend who "dropped by, out of the blue." Disappointed, but playing it cool so I don't seem like the clingy mess I am, I tell him to have fun with him and gimme a call when they're done. He says "no. no. no. come to dinner with us. we can hang out afterward." I insist that this would be awkward since we aren't at the meeting the friends stage yet.
A digression. I hate the meeting the friends stage. This, for me, is worse than meeting the parents. I could care less what your dick-ish parents think, but your friend's opinion means the most. If a guy's friends don't like you, you can pretty much kiss that relationship goodbye. If his friend thinks you laugh weird; you are going to get one (maybe two if you're lucky) more dates. Without sex. And thats it. I ususally avoid this stage at all costs. I once dated a guy for five months, and he didn't mean a single one of my friends. That takes effort.
Anyway. I hesitantly agree and head over to his place, hoping this "friend" is cool and won't ruin my chances at getting to first base. Oh first base!!! Lip on Lip ACTION!
When I show up the "friend" is in his bedroom. Captain Fucktard calls out "hey, timmy is here. come meet him!"
I find it weird that a "friend" would be in the bedroom. I should always listen to my gut. That first warning sign that something isn't right and you need to leave with your dignity and hair intact. Unfortunately, I'm all "oh hey, voice of reason could you shut up, i'm trying to look pretty." When said "friend" emerges, I know exactly who it is. Its his ex. I recognizes him from the picture I was shown. His ex whom he spent 90 minutes talking to me about on our last date. The ex whom he lived with. The ex whom they have been together for years. The ex who was still in the closet... and the ex who he hadn't spoken to in months. He says they have "reconciled."
I should have picked up my jaw off the floor and walked out the door without saying a word. But I was in shock. How do you respond to that? What do you do?
Answer: You numbly get in the car with both of them and ride to the olive garden. obvi.
The whole car ride they gabbed about old times, old memories, old crap. I was so uncomfortable. The only comments I made were "uh hu" and "nu uh."
We arrive at the olive garden and are seated. The "friend," excuse me, the "ex," decides he doesn't want to eat there and we should leave. Zombie me, gets up, pushes my chair in and follows them outside. We get back in the car. Captain Fucktatd suggests we all rent a movie.
At this point, something snaps inside me. I have been on a date with while his ex-boyfriend tagged along. I've been made to feel uncomfortable, stupid, and ridiculous. Its that moment that siblings of celebrities have when they realize "hey! i can whore myself out too! get me a record deal, daddy!" clarity.
Captain Fucktard sees me with a look on my face and says "are you ok?"
i continue to stare, wondering if i'll speak
the ex pipes up "yeah? you've been quiet. are you upset?"
that does it. don't fucking play compassion, you date-wrecker.
I let it rip. "I am not ok. Not in the least. You bring me out with your ex?! You think thats a good idea? I thought this was a date. I thought WE were dating. Apparently not. I want to go home. Drive me back to my car. Now."
says. "i'm sorry.. i thought..."
"No." I shout back. "No more. JUST DRIVE."
He drives me back to my car in silence, and I never hear from him again.
Gained Points for: he didn't. no point gaining. none.
Lost points for: EVERYTHING. annnnnd! I didn't even get so much as an apology myspace message the next day. ass.
Mistakes I Made: Getting in the car. Idiot.
Chances for Another Date: When I turn straight. Which, I guess, it wouldn't matter then anyway.
Overall Score: F for FAIL
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