Abuse of Power

Sometimes life gives you little presents.

Names have been changed to protect the gorgeous.

Name of Date: Too Good To Be True
Date #: 1
Looks Like: The hottest guy at the club who is clearly too good looking to ever notice you.
Age: 19
Occupation: Music Major/Aspiring Model
Where We Met: Facebook
What Happened: Being the hot and confident poster boy for gay rights at my Christian college, I was often met with glares when walking around campus. But every so often I'd run across the occasional boy who's glances would linger and a smile would cross his lips and I know I'd been checked out by a closeted hottie. I had seen Too Good To Be True in our performing arts building several times and always wondered what his smirk meant when he strolled by. I had secretly hoped its that his pants were getting tight at the sight of me, but he was gorgeous and that would be asking for too much.

I began to facebook stalk him, because, lets face it, you would too. Everyone does it. I found him and not a week after I began pouring over his page I noticed that his "Interested In:" changed from "Women" to "Men." I did a little happy dance and prayed it was true. I didn't want to look like an ass by asking him out and him screaming "Get away homo, I just put that up as a joke!"

So I messaged him and told him I'd seen him around the building and noticed his new sexuality change on FB and if he'd like to talk about it. (I was the founder of the GSA, so it wasn't as creepy as it sounds. hey! don't judge. a brotha has gotta use what a brotha's gotta use). He messaged me back, said that he'd noticed me too (mmm blushing and butterflies) and that he would love to get together. We agreed on the student union. We'd grab a drink and walk around campus.

When TGTBT showed up, he was looking so damn fine. If I could describe it in any tangible way it would be... six pac, plus the v, plus shaggy hair, plus DSL's. For those gays out there you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about and your mouth has begun to water just like mine did. We got some coffee and walked outside. A creek runs through our campus with several bridges so we walked to one and sat in the middle. We talked about coming out, how he was feeling, etc. General kind of founder of the GSA questions.

I finally asked him "Well, if you could do anything right now, what would it be?" He smiled. Said "This." Took my hand and kissed me gently on the lips.

SWOON TIMES A HUNDRED MILLION. When a gorgeous stud makes the first move on you, you're pretty taken aback. Its something you never ever thought would happen. Its like living your entire life in a wheelchair and then regaining the ability to walk. ONLY BETTER. I'd assume anyway.

It was pretty effing romantic. We walked back to my apartment hand in hand and made plans to see each other again soon.

Gained Points for: Being smooth. That was a pretty effing sweet move.

Lost Points for: Not using tongue. Come on, dude, make me faint!

Mistakes I Made: Not saying "Hey. You wanna watch a movie?"

Chances for Another Date: Pretty Damn Good. I wanna been seen out with TGTBT. Get noticed. Make some ex's jealous!

Overall Score: A-

Night of the Living WTF?! 2: Revenge of the Mummy

Sometimes I go on second dates with guys I shouldn't

Names have been changed to protect the continually disappointing

Name of Date: Princeton
Date #: 2
Title of Last Date: Night of the Living WTF!?!?
Amount of Time Between Last Date: 2 weeks.
What Happened: well after being scared out of my mind that this guy was going to kill me, its only fair that i go on another date, right? (p.s. you should agree with me now. it will make the rest of this post easier to accept if you don't fight it)

So he lets me know he is having this party and that I should come and we can "hang out" after.

I have previous plans but tell him that I could make it by probably midnight. He says "oh thats great! we can still hang out". um. hanging out after midnight always implies nakedy time and after he totes cock teased me last time, i'm ready for round two.

When I arrive (overnight bag discreetly hidden in backseat" ... just in case) he is already drunk and serenading his guests with a karaoke version of "And I Am Telling You..." from Dreamgirls. He has a so-so voice sober, but drunk its like the worst version of some atonal frat boy singing "Don't Stop Believing." I sneak inside hoping he won't noticed I've joined until after his concert. He doesn't. Phew.

When he sees me he stumbles over and immediately demands that I catch up with him. He is drunk and I shoud be too. Drunk people love this logic because they know if someone else is as messy as they are, they don't have to feel as guilty in the morning. We all do it. We alllll use peer pressure on the lightweights so that our asses don't look like... well... asses the next day.

I oblige.

The rest of the party is restless and wants to head out to a bar. Princeton insists we will stay behind and "clean up" As soon as they are out the door we begin making out. Holler. And it lasts longer than three minutes. Holler part deux. I'm all ready for some non-heterosexin' when he proclaims that we should go on an adventure. He thinks this is a great idea and I'm drunk and horny and well... I'm gonna do pretty much whatever he asks. He goes to pee and I flop down on his sofa. Inspired by his showtune stylings, I begin belting out "Back to Before" from Ragtime. Seirously. I did that.

He throws open the bathroom door. Pounces on me and proclaims: "You are so fucking hot." And we make out for a while more. I'm glad that high belting from female standards gets him going. Mutual turn ons are a plus. I'm almost thinking he's forgotten his adventure idea when he pulls me up and we head outside. Awwwww snap!

Now I'm sure you clever ones will guess where we are. Princeton happens to live right outside a very beautiful Ivy League college and his adventure involved infiltrating campus to see what mischief we could get into... at 1:00AM. Apparently a lot. We got into some dorms. Danced around statues, etc. The highlight though was breaking into the chapel. Once we got inside it was no holds barred on the furious make outs. For repressed gay Christian boys, making out in a chruch is probably the hottest thing ever. I'm not gonna lie. Its like shoving a giant middle finger in front of ignorant theology... while getting some.

At this point I'm all wound up and drag his ass back home for the main event. We crawl into his bed and its effing deja vu. Make out for three minutes, he proclaims he's tired and rolls over to sleep. I am STUNNED. It has happened TWICE. I feel like Ashley Olsen. You know? Cause every one likes Mary Kate better. Its true. I see you nodding your head.

Somehow I make myself go to sleep.

I wake up in the morning and well... its morning time... for boys. For both of us. And certain things happen. And I can see a certain thing happening for him. I resolve that if I couldn't get some last night, I would sure as hell get some now. I begin to reach for it when all of a sudden he wakes up, says "I gotta pee" and runs to the bathroom. When he has returned, its gone. A deflated balloon. Disney World has closed. I start to think he did it on purpose. Ran to the bathroom to "relieve" himself. jerkface.

I am so frustrated that I get up and dress. He has fallen back asleep so I wake him up to tell him I'm leaving. He says "Goodbye. Oh! I'm sorry we didn't get to... play... last night. Next time. I promise." I look at him. Smile gently. Kiss his lips soflty and whisper; "Theres not gonna be a next time," and walk out into the sunshine.

Gained Points for: The couch ravishing. I'm sure a lot of that had to do with how good my singing was. And getting face attacked is like the best compliment ever!

Lost Points for: keeping it in his pants.

Mistakes I Made: assuming things would be differnet. made an ass outta me and... me.

Chances for Another Date: Unless there is a signed contract for at least a handy j. Not gonna happen.

Overall Grade: C +

Language Barrier

Names have been changed to protect the international

Name of Date: Hans
Date #: 1
Age: 24
Looks Like: Heidi Klum's slightly retarded younger brother
Occupation: Nanny
Where We Met: ugh. myspace. fine.
What Happened: so this guy had sent me a couple of messages on facebook and seemed decent. so i rely on my old stand by and say we should meet up for coffee. meeting up for coffee is the best first date ever. its so non-committal and can happen at any time during the day. it lasts maybe an hour and if you're bored you leave, and if you want to find out what kissing this dude is like you pull out the "wanna catch a movie?" line. coffee. is. perfect. quick escape or fast past to makeouts. its simple.

when i arrive he his there. in all his aryan glory. blonde hair, blue eyes, six feet tall. he sounds sexy, but let me assure you. HE IS NOT. ugly nose. eyes are too close together. thin face. this was another case of the profile picture not matching the real life person. i don't know how these bitches do it. if they hire professional photographers or if there is some unfortunate person's manaul on how to light yourself for the most flattering picture, but this model imposter shit has to stop.

i guess there is something else i should mention about my dear friend hans; he is german. and not just in ethnicity... in citizenship. he has just moved to the states to be a nanny to some rich couple. i think this is pretty cool and wonder if all rich couples would rather have international homosexuals watch their kids. i make a mental note to look this up later and picture myself in Venice making small talk with a gondala conducter as the Italian children I watch begin to drown when I push them out of the boat. P.S. the death of the children is totes justified because this man is my soulmate and also a laywer. he only freelances as a gondaleer.

ANYWAY.

we begin to talk and come to find his english... leaves a lot to be desired. we struggle to make conversation. my recollection of the conversation is foggy because I think he only understood 40% of the words I used. and vice versa. He might have mentioned owning a motorcycle. But maybe thats me imposing a European stereotype. I'm sure we also talked about how bratty the kids were.

Then he breaks rule number one of dating. DO NOT TALK ABOUT OTHER GUYS. He shifts into stories about various other guys he has dated since being in the US and how they are all assholes. This is a complete turn off and honestly, I don't care. At one point he looks at me and says, with puppy dog eyes, "why do american boys say they will call, but then they do not?" and I immediately knew I was going to be the next guy on that list.

We walked to our cars and I contributed to a terrible impression of American gay men.

Gained points for: Trying

Lost points for: Not knowing English. For reals.

Mistakes I Made: Accepting early on that I was gonna be an asshole.

Chances for another date: No. just no.

Overall Grade: C

The Date That Time Stood Still

Sometimes you should listen to your gut.

Names have been changed to protect the boring.

Name of Date: The Pseudonym
Date #:1
Age: 21
Looks Like: your stereotypical blond-headed gay kid. aka the face of evil to middle america.
Occupation: barista/daydreamer
Where we met: on the gay facebook; connexion.
What Happened: we had talked a few times on connexion, sent a couple of messages, that sort of thing. i mentioned i had a week off and he suggested taking the train into nyc to come hang out. i figured; why not?

literally 20 minutes before i am about to leave to catch the train, he ims me and says "there is something i have to tell you." ok, no date in the history of dating has EVER gone well after those eight words have been uttered. and ESPECIALLY not a first date. right then and there i should have said "actually, i just came down with this ridic case of rabies and will not be able to make it."

unfortunately i said "yeah?..."

and he proceeds to tell me how the name i have been calling him is actually not his name, but rather an alias he created when he meets guys online. let's deconstruct, shall we?

1. he meets enough guys online to require having a fake name. ew.
2. at ANY point in our conversation when he learned i wasn't a creeper he could have let me in on this, instead of calling him by his fake name. but he waits until now.
3. our entire "getting to internet know you" phase was based on lies.

I flat out tell him that its off-putting and weird and am reconsidering coming. He practically begs me to come. I figure its a day trip to NYC, so it won't be too terrible. I head to the train station and miss the first train on purpose so I have time to seriously think about it before I go. When I'm 20 minutes late, he calls me, upset and wonders where I am. I know what its like to be stood up and realize that no matter what this guy's issues happen to be, I am not a jerk and will not blow him off. I tell him I screwed up the train schedule, but will be on the next one.

When I arrive in NYC we meet and he is nice. Albiet a liar. We head to colombus circle and eat lunch at whole foods. Then walk across the street to chill in central park. He was soooooo boring.

I have a theory the younger you are mutiplied by what you do for a living divided by how cute you are equals your boring quotient. This kid's boring quotient was the highest I'd ever seen.

At one point he left to go to the bathroom and I seriously considered sprinting away. I pictured myself leaping atop a policeman on a horse where he'd carry me away to at least some memorable sex. Spoiler Alert: that did not happen. The ONLY thing I can remember us talking about is how he wants botox in his arm pits so that he'll stop sweating. I am not joking. I'll take inappropriate first date conversation topics for $800, Alex.

So we're sitting in central park on a blanket and he's talking about something and i'm so bored and disillusioned that I legit fall asleep. I FELL ASLEEP ON A DATE! And then he noticed. he shook me awake and called me out on it. There was nothing I could do but fess up. I did blame it on being exhausted and not his monotonous tone or sleep-inducing conversation.

I literally watched the clock waiting for the time he had to leave to go to work. I think that was probably the longest 3 hours of my life. Longer than your cousin's high school graduation. We said goodbye and I sat down by a fountain, glad it was all over and grateful that in 20 minutes... I'd made plans to meet someone else for another date. Thats right. one day. two dates. I keep it real.

Gained Points for: Lunch at whole foods. I like pretending I care about what I eat.

Lost points for: basically everything. I think he probably should have just let call him by his pseudonym. it would have saved everyone a lot of trouble.

Mistkaes I Made: um... falling asleep. i don't care how boring or awful a guy is... that is just rude.

Chances for another date: if they started selling personalities at Macy's and he bought a designer version, then possibly.

Overall Score: D