Sometimes the LORD blesses you.
Names have been changed to protect the seriously? this guy exists?!
Name of Date: Doctor Man
Date #: 1
Looks Like: Richie Cunningham
Age: 26
Occupation: Doctor. for realsies. A DOCTOR.
Where We Met: A Sleazy Gay Bar.... who'd have thought?
What Happened: So ok. We didn't REALLY "meet" at the gay bar. We met up there. He sent me a message online and said he was heading out and I should go out and say hi. So I did. He chatted for a bit at the bar and then he gave me his info. The following is what happened on our first actual date.
Actually, before I jump into that, I need to discuss the kind of emotions that go through a gay man when an attractive red-headed doctor (let me repeat that... A DOCTOR) with the v (again. repeating. HE HAS THE "V" LADIES AND LADIES) seems interested in you. Here are the thoughts in order:
1. holy shit.
2. no for real. holy shit.
3. i will do whatever you say.
4. can we have the wedding in december?
5. what is your name?
So after i go through that scenario and process the fact that I will be going on a date with him... I get quite excited. I mean, who wouldn't. If I was female and living in Man Men 1960's my life would pretty much be set. All I'd have to worry about now was making sure we moved into a neighborhood without any life-ruining divorcees.
Anyway. We meet for dinner. I walk up and see him there in his red-headed and freckled glory. (p.s. gingers are effing hot) He got there 20 minutes early to make sure that we wouldn't have to wait for a table. Um. Gentlemanly. He obviously did it to impress me, and it seriously did. I am not worth that. I am the lets sit on the bench with the buzzer thing for 15 minutes and make awkward small talk in front of families with 4 kids who look at us quizzically and whisper "why are those two boys sitting so close and keep looking at each other's no-no zone?"
"um. because little girl, homo needs a rich husband."
But, because he saved us from this sitch, we get to have the awkward small talk at the table instead. We do the get to know each other thing. Talk about family, what we do, etc. etc. etc. I'm desperately trying to play footsie under the table, but I don't think he gets the hint. The food comes and its always waaaay too much for me to eat. Then I gotta ask for a doggie bag. Ugh. There is nothing quite so class-less and being on a date and walking of the restaurant with food. "Mmmm yeah. I'ma eat this later and think of you." Creeper City. Population: Me.
So we're back at our cars and its the moment where neither of us wants the date to end, so we're talking about what we could go do. He suggests we go to a pool hall and play pool. YES! For those of you out there who read this and try to discern what to do/what not to do... this is a classic example of what to do. He remembered during the convo that I liked pool, he picked something close, cheap and without any expectation. PERFECT. Very smooth.
Pool was pretty uneventful. I mean we played. Well he did. I kinda danced to "Paper Planes" by MIA that was being blasted over the loudspeaker while haphazardly whacking balls with my pool cue. DON'T JUDGE. IT'S A GOOD SONG.
Cut to the parking lot. Midnight showing of "We Don't Want This Date to End 2: Attack of the Clones" Again Doctor Man comes to the rescue and suggests a walk on the beach. Hollllerrrrrrr.
So this was just after hurricane season and the beach was completely flooded. We had to roll up our jeans and wade through water. It was less of a walk and more of a, lets just stand here because who knows what the hell we'll step on.
OH. At one point he had to go pee. So he went about 20 yards away, unzipped and let it fly. Now you'd think that is was pretty trashy. And normally I would agree. But this guy is a doctor, so i'm thinking. No. this is a smart move. He went to pee and did so within my viewing range so that I would think about him and his penis. Thats pretty effing smart. I mean. I'm not into that... like.... ew... but. Nevermind. this could diverge into a really disgusting tangent.
AFTER HE PEES. He comes back and hugs me for the first time. And I can't even describe it. The way he holds me. Its just. Like I fit there perfectly. He warms me. He's got his intense strength and passion in his arms. When he touches me... Like I said. I can't describe it. Its just. awesome. Then we kiss. Its the first time I've been kissed on the beach. ever. its hella romantic and he scores about a, 8.2 for technique. Damn those russian judges.
We wade back to our cars, and head home. Me thinking about how I'll tell the kids that their daddy knows how to work it.
Gained Points For: Being a doctor. I'm sorry. Did you need me to spell that out for you?
Lost Points For: Keeping his shirt on. Let the world see that V
Mistakes I Made: I didn't. I was a perfect date!
Chances for Another Date: Oh. There are no chances. This shit is happening.
Overall Grade: A-
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
This Date May Not Be Suitable For Young Audiences
WARNING: you must be 18 or older to continue...
Sometimes its just about the "sex"
Names have been changed to protect the toe-curling.
Name of Date: Sexy Accent
Date #: 2
Title of Last Date: Better With Age
Amount of Time Between Dates: A Week
What Happened: St. Patrick's Day; evening. It was warm. How's THAT for a novel opener? Suck it, J.D. Salinger.
Anyway, S.A. and I had been texting back and forth for a while. I mentioned I had tentative plans for the night around 11ish. Tentative meaning actual. There was a party that I was expected to attend and people I had told I would definitely be there. I mean, it was st. patty's day. Who the hell doesn't celebrate? I just wanted to see if he'd like to be invited along.
Turns out he didn't. But he did say I should come hang out with him in his hotel room until the party got started. I don't think I need to spell it out for you what he was implying. You are smart readers. So, I put on cute underwear and went over there fully embracing the fact that I was about to be a little slutty.
A digression. What if my assumption had been incorrect (no worries, it wasn't) but, what if it had been? Is there anything more frustrating that expecting some nice-nice and then not getting it at all? Answer: NO THERE IS NOT. Oh hey. I just got all cute and wore my expensive underwear and did man-scaping and totes wore clothes to accentuate my man-bulges and... for nothing. That walk of shame home at 1:00am is waaaay worse than the walk of shame home the next morning.
BACK TO THE PART ABOUT ME GETTING SOME.
ok so. I get to his hotel and he's waiting at the front desk in all his chisled 40-something glory. I get weak in the knees all over. Seriously. He is drop dead gorgeous. Did I mention that? Apparently one of his co-workers (remember he is in town on a business trip) had an issue with his room. This co-worker is latino and also very gay. He takes one look at me, then at S.A., gives him a knowing smile and says... "I can take care of this." 2 points for the friend knowing what was up, and not being a dick about it. I'da wanted to punch him if he'd been like "oh heyyyyyyy, lets all go get a drink at the bar." "no thank you, i do not want to play that game."
so back in his room he's got a bottle of wine, and thats when i knew it was going down. i should have texted my friends then to say. "naked man trumps alcohol" but... i didn't. it would have stopped the incessant texting an hour later asking where i was. Where am I? Throwing my head back and clutching expsensive hyatt sheets. Thats where I am.
We make small talk and I'm seduced by his accent once more. And he asks. "Would it be alright if I kiss you?" I wanted to say something witty but all that came out was "Mmm-hmmm."
And God said let it be good. And it was.
I will be a lady and not go into too much detail about the events that followed, but here are some clues:
1. i had to follow the trail of my clothing to recover all the items from the places they'd been strewn about his room.
2. i never made it to the party
3. hung. like. a. horse.
4. the ONLY simultaneous orgasm i've ever had with someone. EVER. and it was staggering.
I know I don't usually get this raunchy in my posts. And I've probably scandalized a few of you. And for that I do not apologize. This is my life. You don't know me. I'm not here to make friends. Obligatory reality tv show comment #487. Basically, it happened. Why should I censor it.
I left his room several hours later and drove home with the largest smile on my face. I wasn't ashamed at all.
Gained Points for: Taking the Lead
Lost Points for: Afterwards he said "Well... I guess I have a reason to stay in town longer." Um. What? No you don't. Please don't assume this was anything more than a good time.
Mistakes I Made: Any "mistakes" he quickly corrected by telling me how he liked it. ZING!
Chances for Another Date: Finding awesome sexual chemistry is a rare thing. Plus he was packin' SERIOUS HEAT. I'm going to need a second course.
Overall Grade: A
Sometimes its just about the "sex"
Names have been changed to protect the toe-curling.
Name of Date: Sexy Accent
Date #: 2
Title of Last Date: Better With Age
Amount of Time Between Dates: A Week
What Happened: St. Patrick's Day; evening. It was warm. How's THAT for a novel opener? Suck it, J.D. Salinger.
Anyway, S.A. and I had been texting back and forth for a while. I mentioned I had tentative plans for the night around 11ish. Tentative meaning actual. There was a party that I was expected to attend and people I had told I would definitely be there. I mean, it was st. patty's day. Who the hell doesn't celebrate? I just wanted to see if he'd like to be invited along.
Turns out he didn't. But he did say I should come hang out with him in his hotel room until the party got started. I don't think I need to spell it out for you what he was implying. You are smart readers. So, I put on cute underwear and went over there fully embracing the fact that I was about to be a little slutty.
A digression. What if my assumption had been incorrect (no worries, it wasn't) but, what if it had been? Is there anything more frustrating that expecting some nice-nice and then not getting it at all? Answer: NO THERE IS NOT. Oh hey. I just got all cute and wore my expensive underwear and did man-scaping and totes wore clothes to accentuate my man-bulges and... for nothing. That walk of shame home at 1:00am is waaaay worse than the walk of shame home the next morning.
BACK TO THE PART ABOUT ME GETTING SOME.
ok so. I get to his hotel and he's waiting at the front desk in all his chisled 40-something glory. I get weak in the knees all over. Seriously. He is drop dead gorgeous. Did I mention that? Apparently one of his co-workers (remember he is in town on a business trip) had an issue with his room. This co-worker is latino and also very gay. He takes one look at me, then at S.A., gives him a knowing smile and says... "I can take care of this." 2 points for the friend knowing what was up, and not being a dick about it. I'da wanted to punch him if he'd been like "oh heyyyyyyy, lets all go get a drink at the bar." "no thank you, i do not want to play that game."
so back in his room he's got a bottle of wine, and thats when i knew it was going down. i should have texted my friends then to say. "naked man trumps alcohol" but... i didn't. it would have stopped the incessant texting an hour later asking where i was. Where am I? Throwing my head back and clutching expsensive hyatt sheets. Thats where I am.
We make small talk and I'm seduced by his accent once more. And he asks. "Would it be alright if I kiss you?" I wanted to say something witty but all that came out was "Mmm-hmmm."
And God said let it be good. And it was.
I will be a lady and not go into too much detail about the events that followed, but here are some clues:
1. i had to follow the trail of my clothing to recover all the items from the places they'd been strewn about his room.
2. i never made it to the party
3. hung. like. a. horse.
4. the ONLY simultaneous orgasm i've ever had with someone. EVER. and it was staggering.
I know I don't usually get this raunchy in my posts. And I've probably scandalized a few of you. And for that I do not apologize. This is my life. You don't know me. I'm not here to make friends. Obligatory reality tv show comment #487. Basically, it happened. Why should I censor it.
I left his room several hours later and drove home with the largest smile on my face. I wasn't ashamed at all.
Gained Points for: Taking the Lead
Lost Points for: Afterwards he said "Well... I guess I have a reason to stay in town longer." Um. What? No you don't. Please don't assume this was anything more than a good time.
Mistakes I Made: Any "mistakes" he quickly corrected by telling me how he liked it. ZING!
Chances for Another Date: Finding awesome sexual chemistry is a rare thing. Plus he was packin' SERIOUS HEAT. I'm going to need a second course.
Overall Grade: A
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
A For Effort
Sometimes even the best laid plans fail.
Names have been changed to protect the didn't really have a chance.
Name of Date: Cheerleader
Date #: 1
Looks Like: A professional wrestler from the early 90's
Age: 25
Occupation: Unemployed/Substitute Teacher
Where We Met: gaychristian.net, its not a dating site... but these things happen.
What Happened: Ok I met Cheerleader (so named because in college he was on the cheerleading squad. i don't even judge him for this, i think its kind of awesome and wish my lonley little liberal arts college had a squad that I could have joined. I think i'd kick ass at some basket tosses) online and we lived about 3 hours from each other. We spent a couple months chatting back and forth about our lives. aka complaining about the various boys we were dating/wanted to date. This is the foundation for all gay friendships. It is written. In our handbook. In the chapter called "Gay Friends - or - a drunken night away from a hookup."
Eventually he decided we needed to meet. I wasn't really attracted to him so I wanted to get out of having to drive any long distance to just turn the guy down. However the suggested meeting place was a pretty cool city and he'd found a great gay club there. He said he'd pay for a hotel room so we could get drunk, party, and then have somewhere to crash. I agreed... on the condition that there be separate beds. Homo ain't no ho... sometimes.
A brief digression... I must note that the ride down to see him was the first time I ever listened to next to normal and thus... an obsession began. Digression OVER!
So i get to the hotel he's chosen and its seedy as fuck. I like comparing things to fuck. Something is blank as fuck. Fuck is the pan-ultimate in any adjective contest. who the hell knows why? we all just accept it. think about it.
I open the door and secretly I'm hoping he'll turn out to be like... adam brody hot. alas he is not. its one of those rare cases where a person looks EXACTLY LIKE THEIR ONLINE PHOTO. that doesn't happen too often. He's a bit overweight and has a ponytail. I know. If you are eating I'm sorry. I'll give you a minute...
Sooooo we're at seedy as fuck hotel and he tells me he's found a "gay restaraunt" where we can go to dinner. I love these places that flaunt themselves as "gay" establishments. They usually have a rainbow poster up and blast madonna while HIV+ 60 year olds troll for unsuspecting twinks. Thats mean... but true. I reluctantly agree to go since he is so eager.
We get there around six and the place is dead. I order a beer. I'ma need it. The table is wobbly, the food is mediocre, and they don't even have hot waiters. Can a brother get some eye candy? Apparently not.
We finish rather early and then head back to the hotel because 7pm is wayyyyyyyy too early to show up to the club. I now realize I have at least 3 hours ahead of me of nothing but one on one time with him. Ugh. We get back to SAF Hotel and he pulls out a cooler. He has prepared shots. And brought them along. My brain cannot decide if this is precious or pathetic. It is a little of both I feel. But bottoms up, cause I don't want to be sober. He gets points for pre-planning for pre-gaming.
The excruciating minutes tick by and I'm buzzed. It is now time to go to the club. We drive there and it is one swank-ass club. I also like switching the hyphens when you have the adjective-ass noun formation. In this case it would be swank ass-club, which, under the circumstances would have been just as interesting. ANYWAY. Its a great club. I immediately spot a pole and know that at some point I will be swinging up on that bitch. and yes i did.
He buys me drinks. I request ones with lots of liquor. Clearly. He doesn't want to dance. I do it by myself while he watches. Weirdly.
There is a drag performace. Some fierce man-lady tranny dancing to "feedback." I applaud.
So I'm drunk and dancing and this 30 year old latino guy comes up to me. He tells me I'm the hottest guy there and that he's "from miami... so he knows what he wants." whatever the hell that means. He's hot. Cheerleader isn't dancing with me... so i throw my head back and grind with him. He tries to put his hand down my pants. I don't let him because I'm a classy lady. Then he buys me a beer and I let him... well don't let him so much as I'm too drunk to stop him. Cheerleader comes to my rescue and we leave.
We get back to the hotel and I'm schwasted and horny. I figure... "what the hell?" and crawl into bed with the guy. We begin to make out. He says "I've wanted this to happen all night long."
Um... way to ruin it. I don't like you, I just wanted some action. You had to go make me feel guilty because you actually like me. I don't wanna feel like a jerk! Excuse me while I stumble back to my bed and leave the next morning before you wake up.
Gained Points for: planning, I guess. never underestimate not having to make your date think too hard. oh and paying for shit.
Lost Points for: Ponytails
Mistakes I Made: Not staying sober. It would have just made everything easier. Also I should have just got my own hotel room.
Chances for Another Date: When he gets it tight and keeps it right, he can call me.
Overall Grade: C-
Names have been changed to protect the didn't really have a chance.
Name of Date: Cheerleader
Date #: 1
Looks Like: A professional wrestler from the early 90's
Age: 25
Occupation: Unemployed/Substitute Teacher
Where We Met: gaychristian.net, its not a dating site... but these things happen.
What Happened: Ok I met Cheerleader (so named because in college he was on the cheerleading squad. i don't even judge him for this, i think its kind of awesome and wish my lonley little liberal arts college had a squad that I could have joined. I think i'd kick ass at some basket tosses) online and we lived about 3 hours from each other. We spent a couple months chatting back and forth about our lives. aka complaining about the various boys we were dating/wanted to date. This is the foundation for all gay friendships. It is written. In our handbook. In the chapter called "Gay Friends - or - a drunken night away from a hookup."
Eventually he decided we needed to meet. I wasn't really attracted to him so I wanted to get out of having to drive any long distance to just turn the guy down. However the suggested meeting place was a pretty cool city and he'd found a great gay club there. He said he'd pay for a hotel room so we could get drunk, party, and then have somewhere to crash. I agreed... on the condition that there be separate beds. Homo ain't no ho... sometimes.
A brief digression... I must note that the ride down to see him was the first time I ever listened to next to normal and thus... an obsession began. Digression OVER!
So i get to the hotel he's chosen and its seedy as fuck. I like comparing things to fuck. Something is blank as fuck. Fuck is the pan-ultimate in any adjective contest. who the hell knows why? we all just accept it. think about it.
I open the door and secretly I'm hoping he'll turn out to be like... adam brody hot. alas he is not. its one of those rare cases where a person looks EXACTLY LIKE THEIR ONLINE PHOTO. that doesn't happen too often. He's a bit overweight and has a ponytail. I know. If you are eating I'm sorry. I'll give you a minute...
Sooooo we're at seedy as fuck hotel and he tells me he's found a "gay restaraunt" where we can go to dinner. I love these places that flaunt themselves as "gay" establishments. They usually have a rainbow poster up and blast madonna while HIV+ 60 year olds troll for unsuspecting twinks. Thats mean... but true. I reluctantly agree to go since he is so eager.
We get there around six and the place is dead. I order a beer. I'ma need it. The table is wobbly, the food is mediocre, and they don't even have hot waiters. Can a brother get some eye candy? Apparently not.
We finish rather early and then head back to the hotel because 7pm is wayyyyyyyy too early to show up to the club. I now realize I have at least 3 hours ahead of me of nothing but one on one time with him. Ugh. We get back to SAF Hotel and he pulls out a cooler. He has prepared shots. And brought them along. My brain cannot decide if this is precious or pathetic. It is a little of both I feel. But bottoms up, cause I don't want to be sober. He gets points for pre-planning for pre-gaming.
The excruciating minutes tick by and I'm buzzed. It is now time to go to the club. We drive there and it is one swank-ass club. I also like switching the hyphens when you have the adjective-ass noun formation. In this case it would be swank ass-club, which, under the circumstances would have been just as interesting. ANYWAY. Its a great club. I immediately spot a pole and know that at some point I will be swinging up on that bitch. and yes i did.
He buys me drinks. I request ones with lots of liquor. Clearly. He doesn't want to dance. I do it by myself while he watches. Weirdly.
There is a drag performace. Some fierce man-lady tranny dancing to "feedback." I applaud.
So I'm drunk and dancing and this 30 year old latino guy comes up to me. He tells me I'm the hottest guy there and that he's "from miami... so he knows what he wants." whatever the hell that means. He's hot. Cheerleader isn't dancing with me... so i throw my head back and grind with him. He tries to put his hand down my pants. I don't let him because I'm a classy lady. Then he buys me a beer and I let him... well don't let him so much as I'm too drunk to stop him. Cheerleader comes to my rescue and we leave.
We get back to the hotel and I'm schwasted and horny. I figure... "what the hell?" and crawl into bed with the guy. We begin to make out. He says "I've wanted this to happen all night long."
Um... way to ruin it. I don't like you, I just wanted some action. You had to go make me feel guilty because you actually like me. I don't wanna feel like a jerk! Excuse me while I stumble back to my bed and leave the next morning before you wake up.
Gained Points for: planning, I guess. never underestimate not having to make your date think too hard. oh and paying for shit.
Lost Points for: Ponytails
Mistakes I Made: Not staying sober. It would have just made everything easier. Also I should have just got my own hotel room.
Chances for Another Date: When he gets it tight and keeps it right, he can call me.
Overall Grade: C-
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Speed Dating Extravanganza
SPECIAL EDITION OF TIMMY'S BLOG!!!! (the format will change slightly)
Sometimes I go on multiple dates in one evening
Names have been changed to protect the numerous
What: Speed Dating
Where: A Club
Who: two dozen supposedly single day men
Why: my friend Sean had organized this event for the local LGBTQ community, and invited me along, so I agreed. My other friend Louie who also works there drove us as we had planned our outfits carefully b/c even if we're only meeting creepy old guys, we still need to look hot. What follows is an account of each of the 10-ish minute dates I went on, and the hilarity that ensued.
Date 1
Name: Grandpa
Looks Like: Beardy and Baldy and a Bear
Age: upwards of 50
Stats:
has 3 children (two of which are older than me)
and an indeterminable amount of grandchildren
teaches 3rd grade
came out after his wife cheated on him
Good Things: he was incredibly nice. and gave me hope for my gay future. although the decade of marriage to a woman might not be the route i take. no thanks.
Bad Things: obviously not anywhere near my age, no thank you.
Date 2
Name: Ugly Dye Job
Looks Like: a mixed race dancer with bleached hair... ew
Age: 20
Stats:
makes more money than me
likes to brag about that fact
had an upcoming birthday party that i just HAVE TO COME TO!
apparently thinks blonde hair looks cute on him. unnecessary.
Good Things: He was nice... and thats about the only positive adjective he can claim
Bad Things: Too young, and kept checking out the other guys there. Wandering eye is a no-no.
Date 3
Name: Dr. Douche
Looks Like: nondescript. which is just sad when you think about it.
Age: 30-ish
Stats:
is a doctor is a hospital
does not find it funny when asked if he is serious about that
has a very particular type
makes 5 minute dates excruciatingly awkward
Good Things: thank god he has that job, that'll land some sad gay.
Bad Things: ok, i can deal with the fact that you aren't into me. this is speed dating, not everyone is going to be your ideal type. but for reals, at least try for 5 minutes and don't shut me out. asshole.
Date 4
Name: The Hottest Guy There
Looks Like: See above... ok, ok, blonde hair, ideal height, great eyes and smile.
Age: 26
Stats:
Has a steady job
Likes to chat
Was nervous about talking to me, which means he thinks I'm cute too.
Didn't want to switch when the 5 minutes was up.
Got my number before 3 minutes had passed.
Good Things: great to talk to, super cute, pretty much awesome at everything. i'm definitely seeing this guy again.
Bad Things: Not grabbing my hand and leading me out of there immediately.
Date 5
Name: Whaaaaa?!
Looks Like: A kid who lived on my hall freshmen year... BECAUSE HE IS!
Age: 25
Stats:
professor
the first black person with whom i've ever gone on a date
blew my mind that he's gay
why weren't we better friends?
Good Things: catching up and hearing each other's stories.
Bad Things: The awkward.. oh... i know you... oh wait. whaaaa?!
Date 6
Name: Homeless Vampire
Looks like: a goth punk kid... 15 years later
Age: late 30s
Stats:
has six children... SIX!
is homeless and lives in his car
worked at mcdonalds
is a self-proclaimed vampire... A SELF-PROCLAIMED VAMPIRE!!!!
his eyes turn from dark brown to "really dark brown" on halloween
has a tattoo of a tear coming out of his eye for his dead husband
Good Things: um... he lives/d a hard life... way for him to be here.
Bad Things: i want to make fun of him, but i don't want him to come and suck my blood. also where are your kids right now? in your home-car? thats awful. i know. slap me.
Date 7
Name: Big Guy
Looks like: a former NFL player. stocky and tall.
Age: 36
Stats:
likes disney world
always knew he was gay
those are the only two things he wants to talk about
Good Things: super sweet and nice, made me laugh.
Bad Things: not my ideal type and a titch too old, but if he'd asked for my number i'd have given it to him on the condition he come up with better conversation material on a real date. alas, he did not. oh well!
Date 8
Name: Possible Learning Disorder
Looks Like: A giant drooling teddy bear
Age: 22
Stats:
likes lollipops
speaks in what can only be described as a consistent falsetto
once drove 3 hours to go on a date and the guy ditched him
is very clingly
doesn't meet people very often
Good Things: He was the last date, so I kept looking over to The Hottest Guy There to make eye contact and say... "when the bell rings, you come right over here"... he did
Bad Things: oh honey... you just need a friend. i am not him.
Overall Evening Score: B+, helped by the fact that THGT gave me a hug and we made plans to see each other again.
speed dating, totes hilarious, totes worth it.
Sometimes I go on multiple dates in one evening
Names have been changed to protect the numerous
What: Speed Dating
Where: A Club
Who: two dozen supposedly single day men
Why: my friend Sean had organized this event for the local LGBTQ community, and invited me along, so I agreed. My other friend Louie who also works there drove us as we had planned our outfits carefully b/c even if we're only meeting creepy old guys, we still need to look hot. What follows is an account of each of the 10-ish minute dates I went on, and the hilarity that ensued.
Date 1
Name: Grandpa
Looks Like: Beardy and Baldy and a Bear
Age: upwards of 50
Stats:
has 3 children (two of which are older than me)
and an indeterminable amount of grandchildren
teaches 3rd grade
came out after his wife cheated on him
Good Things: he was incredibly nice. and gave me hope for my gay future. although the decade of marriage to a woman might not be the route i take. no thanks.
Bad Things: obviously not anywhere near my age, no thank you.
Date 2
Name: Ugly Dye Job
Looks Like: a mixed race dancer with bleached hair... ew
Age: 20
Stats:
makes more money than me
likes to brag about that fact
had an upcoming birthday party that i just HAVE TO COME TO!
apparently thinks blonde hair looks cute on him. unnecessary.
Good Things: He was nice... and thats about the only positive adjective he can claim
Bad Things: Too young, and kept checking out the other guys there. Wandering eye is a no-no.
Date 3
Name: Dr. Douche
Looks Like: nondescript. which is just sad when you think about it.
Age: 30-ish
Stats:
is a doctor is a hospital
does not find it funny when asked if he is serious about that
has a very particular type
makes 5 minute dates excruciatingly awkward
Good Things: thank god he has that job, that'll land some sad gay.
Bad Things: ok, i can deal with the fact that you aren't into me. this is speed dating, not everyone is going to be your ideal type. but for reals, at least try for 5 minutes and don't shut me out. asshole.
Date 4
Name: The Hottest Guy There
Looks Like: See above... ok, ok, blonde hair, ideal height, great eyes and smile.
Age: 26
Stats:
Has a steady job
Likes to chat
Was nervous about talking to me, which means he thinks I'm cute too.
Didn't want to switch when the 5 minutes was up.
Got my number before 3 minutes had passed.
Good Things: great to talk to, super cute, pretty much awesome at everything. i'm definitely seeing this guy again.
Bad Things: Not grabbing my hand and leading me out of there immediately.
Date 5
Name: Whaaaaa?!
Looks Like: A kid who lived on my hall freshmen year... BECAUSE HE IS!
Age: 25
Stats:
professor
the first black person with whom i've ever gone on a date
blew my mind that he's gay
why weren't we better friends?
Good Things: catching up and hearing each other's stories.
Bad Things: The awkward.. oh... i know you... oh wait. whaaaa?!
Date 6
Name: Homeless Vampire
Looks like: a goth punk kid... 15 years later
Age: late 30s
Stats:
has six children... SIX!
is homeless and lives in his car
worked at mcdonalds
is a self-proclaimed vampire... A SELF-PROCLAIMED VAMPIRE!!!!
his eyes turn from dark brown to "really dark brown" on halloween
has a tattoo of a tear coming out of his eye for his dead husband
Good Things: um... he lives/d a hard life... way for him to be here.
Bad Things: i want to make fun of him, but i don't want him to come and suck my blood. also where are your kids right now? in your home-car? thats awful. i know. slap me.
Date 7
Name: Big Guy
Looks like: a former NFL player. stocky and tall.
Age: 36
Stats:
likes disney world
always knew he was gay
those are the only two things he wants to talk about
Good Things: super sweet and nice, made me laugh.
Bad Things: not my ideal type and a titch too old, but if he'd asked for my number i'd have given it to him on the condition he come up with better conversation material on a real date. alas, he did not. oh well!
Date 8
Name: Possible Learning Disorder
Looks Like: A giant drooling teddy bear
Age: 22
Stats:
likes lollipops
speaks in what can only be described as a consistent falsetto
once drove 3 hours to go on a date and the guy ditched him
is very clingly
doesn't meet people very often
Good Things: He was the last date, so I kept looking over to The Hottest Guy There to make eye contact and say... "when the bell rings, you come right over here"... he did
Bad Things: oh honey... you just need a friend. i am not him.
Overall Evening Score: B+, helped by the fact that THGT gave me a hug and we made plans to see each other again.
speed dating, totes hilarious, totes worth it.
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