Names have been changed to protect the typical.
Name of Date: Doctor Man
Date #: 3
Title of Last Date: Pinch Me I Must Be Dreaming
Amount of Time Between Dates: 2 weeks
What Happened: I know it's been like over a year since I wrote about my first date with Doctor Man so if you need to go re-familiarize yourself with what happened, be my guest.
Done?
Are you leaking with anticipation to know how things worked out? Well change your square-cut 2-xist trunks with pouch enhancement and continue reading...
Our second date was pretty standard, so I skipped a boring description of walking through the art museum and milkshakes despite it being a highly adorable date. Onto date 3!
Doctor Man informed me he'd found a movie in the $5 bin at Wal-Mart that sounded good so I should come over and watch it. I told him that sounded lovely as long as we could play scrabble first. This was at the beginning of my scrabble renaissance aided by the ability to play scrabulous on facebook. Remember that? Then Hasbro had to be a dick and ruin our fun. I was also excited because the $5 bin of movies at Wal-Mart was a college tradition. Find the lamest awfulest worstest sounding movie and then buy it and get drunk while watching it and making fun of it. I was pleased he had the same taste in judgmental fun.
When I get to his GORGEOUS house I am a bit taken aback when a 40 year old woman with a really bad face lift opens the door. Housekeeper? Is my first thought. Patient suing for malpractice over botched cosmetic surgery come to strangle him? Is my second. Seriously... it was. And that option would have been more acceptable than the truth; Mother. Um... you're a doctor and you live with your mom? I cannot even. Why? His explanation was something to do with her divorce and money and other shit that didn't really make sense. Plus his assurance that "the whole upstairs was his" didn't really make this situation sound temporary... or impressive. I half expected a "No Girl's Allowed" sign on his door. Or a pillow fort.
We begin by playing scrabble. I seriously love this game because I rule at it. I never expect to win, but I enjoy dominating the other player and making them feel the sad sorrow of loss. However, Doctor Man, didn't even put up a fight. There was no effort it was all CAT and HOME and excitement over landing on the lame-ass double letter score with a vowel. SERIOUSLY?! You are a DOCTOR! Or are you? I am beginning to doubt your credentials since you live with your mom and cannot put more than 3 tiles down at a time on this board. I slaughter him, obvi. But he is not phased. Just excited to watch the movie.
He pops it in and let me just give you a rundown of the premise:
Satan has taken control of purgatory so God his sending his Arch Angels to defeat him and restore order there. Except all the angels are dying because they get depressed and can't overcome the despair there? It's very Blade Runner is purgatory apparently. Also there are guns. Heaven guns. That are used to kill demons? God has sent Gabriel as his last hope to defeat Satan and Gabriel is this ripped no-shirt wearing bad-ass who fucks a LOT of fallen girl angels along the way. In the end of the movie we realize Michael (another arch angel) is actually Satan (what?) and Gabriel defeats him with God Guns because plausible. I wish I could remember the name of this abomination.
Sounds HILARIOUS right? Like give me a bottle of wine and I will laugh my ass off through this thing. But Doctor Man is taking this shit seriously. He wants to cuddle and is actually drawn in by the story. THIS. THIS!? He struggled through an episode of It's Always Sunny... with me and didn't laugh once! We clearly have very different ideas about what is entertaining and his ideas are clearly wrong and bad.
We make it through the whole movie without him laughing once and me trying so hard to contain my guffaws over the bad dialogue/gratuitous ab shots. No Angel-Homo. But at least it's over and we can get to the main attraction. 3rd date first time sex with mom in the house.... yes. Arguably the 83rd best type of sex EVER.
Our makeouts bring us to the bedroom where we fall on the bed and clothes begin to methodically come off. I forget if I mentioned in the last post but this guy has seriously phenomenal abs. And the insanely mouth-watering sex v. All hangups about his mother and the bad taste in cinema are overshadowed by his body and the fact THAT HE IS A DOCTOR. Much can be forgiven for a hot guy with money plus fire crotch. This euphoria lasts only a moment though when he neglects to remove his socks.
Now I know this isn't a big deal, but it is an indication of something larger. You make think the removal of socks isn't necessary for sex, and that fixating on it is stupid and picky, but let me teach you something right now. The choice to not remove socks during sex is a huge insult. It says, you are not worth the time for me to fully undress. It says, I'm kind of tired and lazy so you're going to be doing most of the work right now. It says, I know I look ridiculous, but I don't care, I'm only in this to get off. By not removing socks a person is essentially telling you that your encounter doesn't mean much to them. Think about it. It's true and you know it.
And I was right. He lay there for most of it expecting me to do all the work. It was brief and didn't last long. I found it incredibly disappointing. The only time he rose up off the bed was his moment of climax (and sorry if this is too personal/gross) so that it could land on me. A clearly demeaning action. I don't want to get all feminist and preachy on you guys, but his subtle actions spoke volumes about how he really felt about me.
I left feeling pretty gross and unsatisfied. But I was polite enough to not mention that to his mother who offered me a beverage before I walked out the door.
Gained Points for: His Body
Lost Points for: His misogynist actions
Mistakes I Made: Castrating him in scrabble? But he didn't even really mind that!
Chances for Another Date: I'm not sure. We need to have a serious talk about what and what isn't good sex first.
Overall Grade: D
