Sometimes being hot isn't all that matters.
Names have been changed to protect the artistic.
Name of Date: Kurosawa
Date #: 1
Looks Like: A little rodent-y. With a weak chin.
Age: 24
Occupation: Worked in the film department of a nearby school for the arts.
Where We Met: Myspace. I apparently meet a lot of guys on this site. I haz a pwobblem.
What Happened: So I'm not usually attracted to mousy dudes on the internets. I like my cyberspace men all hot and chiseled-y. But I had been dating a bucketfull of douches recently so I figured I'd take a tip from Miranda Preistly and give the homely guy a chance.
He told me he had scored tickets to the permiere showing of a blockbuster movie in 3D. It wasn't a movie I particularly wanted to see, but if these are perks he gets with his job, I'll take it.
I actually had a job interview that evening so I had to rush driectly from there to be able to make it on time. Unfortch, his place was legit 45 minutes from where I was interviewing. Wah Wah. I could have dressed nicely for the interview and then just suffered through the date in a tie, but there is no reason to make a first date more awkward. SO.. I dressed down for the interview.
It was at a dentist's office for a dental assistant position.
I'll give you a moment to process that. Can't you just see me sticking things into people's mouths? I mean... uh...
So I'm interviewing and its running over and I'm totes gonna be late for a movie I don't care to see with a guy who's not even that hot but I'm anxious and want to leave. I end up blowing the interview when the dentist asks why I didn't dress appropriately.
"uh... i figured it didn't matter."
Then he shakes my hand and I peace out. Who wants to work as a dental assitant anyway?
I'm speeding down the highway trying to get to Kurosawa as fast as my little maxima will go. Which, is fast, and I make it to his house only 10 minutes late. He opens the door and looks just as ordinary as his picture promised he would be. We jump in his SUV and race to the theatre. Wait I mean theater. Its hard for me to type it that way. TheatRE is the real and culturally important thing. TheatER is the fake place where you watch bad acting and can sometimes get discreet handj's.
So on the way to the theatER we do the small talk game. I clearly win at this game since I'm so charming and do the banter like a pro. See what I mean? "do the banter?" I have a way with wordings.
But he keeps up and seems like a fairly decent guy. I begin to forgive his weak chin... a little bit.
We pull up to the theatER and its packed. Its packed like a miley cyrus/taylor swift/jason beiber concert. (OMGZ can you imagine that triple bill? I'd be there will bells on. and i'd cry. lots) When we walk up to the box office with the special commemorative tickets the agent informs us that the theatre is completely full and those vouchers were first come, first serve.
Normally he'd lose points for planning incorrectly, but I didn't want to see the movie anyway and its slightly my fault for being late. Damn dentist guy with his lab coat... and srubs... and stuff.
We decide to go grab a bite and he drives to Panera. YESSSS. Where the faux hipster dine. I think we (yea, i'm one of them) like it because it makes us feel closer to hip city. Even though a real hipster would never be caught dead there. Mother bread is too suffocating and commercial. She sold out.
We actually have a really nice meal and find out that our tastes in music is really similar. This guy's weak chin is practically disappearing in front of my eyes. After dinner he invites me back to his place to watch the season premiere of Project Runway. I am 100% positive this is not a metaphor for sexy times because no self-respecting gay would
a. use PR as a decoy
b. try to make a move during it
It turned out to be the premiere to end all premieres and he and I laughed and gasped and applauded through the whole thing.
When the show ended I decided to make a good decision for once, and leave the night "clean and quiet" (Name that muscial theatre quote!) He walked me to my door and I gave him a classy kiss goodnight. No tongue. I am a lady.
Gained Points for: Having good taste in TV/Music.
Lost Points for: His place was kind of a hole. And he had gross straight roommates.
Mistakes I Made: Ew. I wore really ugly grey tennis shoes on this date. WHY DID I THINK THAT WAS CUTE?
Chances for Another Date: Fairly good. I would wait for him to call me though.
Overall Grade: B+
P.S. I was totes offered that job. And I totes turned it down. Baller.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
Hit The Showers
Sometimes I live in porn story lines.
Names have been changed to protect the could legitimately be fired for this.
Name of Date: Personal Trainer
Date #: 1
Looks Like: A wanna-be model for a thinly veiled homo-erotic workout magazine.
Age: 30
Occupation: Asst. Manager of my Gym.
Where We Met: My Gym. One morning I was there early doing my workout. I'm on the little slanty thing ( I do not know the appropriate term b/c... I do not care) doing side crunches. I'm content and listening to Missy Elliot on my ipod when PT walks by in the middle of his workout. We notice each other. He turns around and nonchalantly but very clearly adjusts his junk right in front of me.
This, ladies and ladies, is kind of a nod of the head betwixt gay men. Its like winking or saying "'ello. 'ow are 'ou." Primitive gay cultures (from the 1970's) would crudely whip it out and wag it to say "how d'you do?" but we have progressed much since the dark ages.
Curious, but still unconvinced, I continued with my workout. Perhaps I had mis-perceived the gesture and he merely was itchy. 40 minutes later I walk into the locker room to take a shower before work and I see him putting on his gym uniform. I walk back to the showers and am the only person there. I turn the water on and begin to wash myself. The next thing I know PT is there watching me. He literally just standing there staring at my junk.
AND WE KNOW.
All doubt has been erased from my mind as the heavy breathing begins. I can almost hear the "bow-chicka-bow-wow" begin to be pumped over the PA system. However, no sauntering towards me. No removal of his gym shorts. He merely stares for a few minutes and then leaves. I got a cheap thrill out of being watched, not gonna lie. But thats all that happened. I got dressed and went to work.
Over the course of the next few weeks, PT and I fell into a routine. He pretty much adjusted to my workout schedule so that we would be showering simultaneously in the morning. He would always shower directly across from me and spend far too much time lathering up his nether regions. After the shower we would dress next to each other and share a few words
"hey"
"morning"
"good workout?"
"yep"
If I needed any further proof that this guy was a raging 'mo... he always wore the tiniest bikini briefs. And always made sure I saw just how much of a struggle it was for him to fit inside them.
One morning he finally introduced himself and we had a real conversation about how he'd just moved here. How bored he was. etc. He asked if I had a boyfriend and I said no. Then he pulled it out wagged it around and said "Wanna play with it?"
While watching it grow I had a few thoughts
a. yeah... i kinda do.
b. wait maybe someone will walk in
c. is this even allowed?! he works here and I'm a patron!
d. if other people walk in will they join in?
e. what would the title of this porn be.
And while I'm thinking these things he grabs my hand and PLACES IT ON HIS PENIS!!!!
I then begin to think.
a. oh...its warm.
b. and big
c. this is the worst idea ever.
I murmur
"I'd love to but I have to get to work."
He smiles and then puts it away. " I understand" But he hands me his card and tells me to call him. Then he asks for my number. So... I do what anyone would do... I give it to him.
Another week or so goes by where we continue our shower/show-off ritual until he finally calls me and asks me on a date.
What Happened: He tells me to come over and we'll grab dinner and hang out. So I drive over to his place and he's got a pretty nice apartment. We exchange pleasantries and he says "ok, lemme get changed and we can go." He walks back to his bedroom and calls out "So did you have a good day?" I am checking out his decor/furniture and call back "It was ok. How about you?" He responds "I can't hear you... come back here."
So I walk back there. And he is fully nude waiting for me. No joke. I was about to laugh in his face when I saw him begin to actually dress. I guess we had seen each other naked dozens of times that it didn't matter. It just seemed different in a bedroom and not a locker room.
Dinner turned out to be Arby's. I am not kidding. FUCKING ARBY'S. I mean I love Arby's but its not exactly date atmosphere. Fast food says "I like you the amount of $5.95 and half an hour of conversation at plastic tables."
After dinner we went back to his place and began to channel surf. We ended up on ANTM. I know, right? After a few moments he looks at me and literally says "So.... are you gonna get naked?" I thought he was joking, but no. He was legit serious. I laughed and said "Well are you?"
At which point he completely stripped off all his clothes.
What is a girl to do? I did the same. Getting a beej while watching ANTM is any gay's dream.
We eventually moved to the bedroom and had a pretty nice time. He was a little rougher than I like, but what can you expect with those muscle guy types? So we've been going at it for a little while... not long, mind you... and he says "Ok. I want to you cum." I say "Now?"
AND HE LOOKS AT THE CLOCK AND SAYS "yes, I need to get to bed soon"
WHAT THE HELL?!?!
oh i'm sorry i'm inconveniencing you by being naked in your bed and doing pleasurable things to you. let me finish up and get out of your hair. OH AND BY THE WAY I CAN TOTALLY GET YOU FIRED FOR COMING ON TO ME IN THE LOCKER ROOM!
I left. The next morning at the gym he was already showered and dressed by the time I got there. Asshole.
Gained Points For: Watching ANTM
Lost Points For: Being a huge sleaze.
Mistakes I Made: Being slutty mcwhore-face.
Chances for Another Date: funny story. So I wanted to get back at him for kind of doing me and ditching me. So the next time we talked I made up a story about how I had completely shaved for him and everything was smooth now. He lapped it up like a puppy and asked me out again. I said "no" HA! I'm kind of a bitch.
Overall Grade: C
Names have been changed to protect the could legitimately be fired for this.
Name of Date: Personal Trainer
Date #: 1
Looks Like: A wanna-be model for a thinly veiled homo-erotic workout magazine.
Age: 30
Occupation: Asst. Manager of my Gym.
Where We Met: My Gym. One morning I was there early doing my workout. I'm on the little slanty thing ( I do not know the appropriate term b/c... I do not care) doing side crunches. I'm content and listening to Missy Elliot on my ipod when PT walks by in the middle of his workout. We notice each other. He turns around and nonchalantly but very clearly adjusts his junk right in front of me.
This, ladies and ladies, is kind of a nod of the head betwixt gay men. Its like winking or saying "'ello. 'ow are 'ou." Primitive gay cultures (from the 1970's) would crudely whip it out and wag it to say "how d'you do?" but we have progressed much since the dark ages.
Curious, but still unconvinced, I continued with my workout. Perhaps I had mis-perceived the gesture and he merely was itchy. 40 minutes later I walk into the locker room to take a shower before work and I see him putting on his gym uniform. I walk back to the showers and am the only person there. I turn the water on and begin to wash myself. The next thing I know PT is there watching me. He literally just standing there staring at my junk.
AND WE KNOW.
All doubt has been erased from my mind as the heavy breathing begins. I can almost hear the "bow-chicka-bow-wow" begin to be pumped over the PA system. However, no sauntering towards me. No removal of his gym shorts. He merely stares for a few minutes and then leaves. I got a cheap thrill out of being watched, not gonna lie. But thats all that happened. I got dressed and went to work.
Over the course of the next few weeks, PT and I fell into a routine. He pretty much adjusted to my workout schedule so that we would be showering simultaneously in the morning. He would always shower directly across from me and spend far too much time lathering up his nether regions. After the shower we would dress next to each other and share a few words
"hey"
"morning"
"good workout?"
"yep"
If I needed any further proof that this guy was a raging 'mo... he always wore the tiniest bikini briefs. And always made sure I saw just how much of a struggle it was for him to fit inside them.
One morning he finally introduced himself and we had a real conversation about how he'd just moved here. How bored he was. etc. He asked if I had a boyfriend and I said no. Then he pulled it out wagged it around and said "Wanna play with it?"
While watching it grow I had a few thoughts
a. yeah... i kinda do.
b. wait maybe someone will walk in
c. is this even allowed?! he works here and I'm a patron!
d. if other people walk in will they join in?
e. what would the title of this porn be.
And while I'm thinking these things he grabs my hand and PLACES IT ON HIS PENIS!!!!
I then begin to think.
a. oh...its warm.
b. and big
c. this is the worst idea ever.
I murmur
"I'd love to but I have to get to work."
He smiles and then puts it away. " I understand" But he hands me his card and tells me to call him. Then he asks for my number. So... I do what anyone would do... I give it to him.
Another week or so goes by where we continue our shower/show-off ritual until he finally calls me and asks me on a date.
What Happened: He tells me to come over and we'll grab dinner and hang out. So I drive over to his place and he's got a pretty nice apartment. We exchange pleasantries and he says "ok, lemme get changed and we can go." He walks back to his bedroom and calls out "So did you have a good day?" I am checking out his decor/furniture and call back "It was ok. How about you?" He responds "I can't hear you... come back here."
So I walk back there. And he is fully nude waiting for me. No joke. I was about to laugh in his face when I saw him begin to actually dress. I guess we had seen each other naked dozens of times that it didn't matter. It just seemed different in a bedroom and not a locker room.
Dinner turned out to be Arby's. I am not kidding. FUCKING ARBY'S. I mean I love Arby's but its not exactly date atmosphere. Fast food says "I like you the amount of $5.95 and half an hour of conversation at plastic tables."
After dinner we went back to his place and began to channel surf. We ended up on ANTM. I know, right? After a few moments he looks at me and literally says "So.... are you gonna get naked?" I thought he was joking, but no. He was legit serious. I laughed and said "Well are you?"
At which point he completely stripped off all his clothes.
What is a girl to do? I did the same. Getting a beej while watching ANTM is any gay's dream.
We eventually moved to the bedroom and had a pretty nice time. He was a little rougher than I like, but what can you expect with those muscle guy types? So we've been going at it for a little while... not long, mind you... and he says "Ok. I want to you cum." I say "Now?"
AND HE LOOKS AT THE CLOCK AND SAYS "yes, I need to get to bed soon"
WHAT THE HELL?!?!
oh i'm sorry i'm inconveniencing you by being naked in your bed and doing pleasurable things to you. let me finish up and get out of your hair. OH AND BY THE WAY I CAN TOTALLY GET YOU FIRED FOR COMING ON TO ME IN THE LOCKER ROOM!
I left. The next morning at the gym he was already showered and dressed by the time I got there. Asshole.
Gained Points For: Watching ANTM
Lost Points For: Being a huge sleaze.
Mistakes I Made: Being slutty mcwhore-face.
Chances for Another Date: funny story. So I wanted to get back at him for kind of doing me and ditching me. So the next time we talked I made up a story about how I had completely shaved for him and everything was smooth now. He lapped it up like a puppy and asked me out again. I said "no" HA! I'm kind of a bitch.
Overall Grade: C
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