"Date"

Sometimes the line gets blurry.

Names have been changed to protect the tempting.

Name of Date: Trouble
Date #: 1
Looks Like: A super cute pocket gay that you just can't help but blush around
Age: 20
Occupation: Intern
Where We Met: At work. He was a co-worker. Cue necktie porn festish music.
What Happened: So... a mutual co-worker was having a birthday bash at a pretty swanky bar. I planned on dressing in my sexiest clothes and getting Ke$ha level trashy. Ugh I hate her so much. Go. Away.

I had seen Trouble around a few times and kept quiet because thats what you do when you work with someone who's adorable level is off the charts. Flirting at the workplace is like some huge no-no or something. I didn't want to be in the middle of some sezzual harrasment proceedings simply cause I told some guy I wanna lick his face. That is like, the sweetest compliment ever, be tee dubs, soooo he should be flattered. Also maybe don't have such a lickable face. He was asking for it.

Also he had a boyfriend. OFF-LIMITS.

Also I had was seeing someone at the time. EVEN MORE OFF-LIMITS-ER.

So because of those reasons we kept out interaction professional. Because I am classy. Right? Anyone? ANYONE?

Anyway we are at the party and I order a Long Island Iced Tea.... (oh .... see.... I get why no one answered the questions above. Yep. Makes sense now. ) and proceed to get trashed. I do everything drunk me does:

a. lunge
b. wobble
c. talk loudly
d. get extremely close to people
e. lunge more
f. sing
g. be too tired to keep my eyes open
h. flirt with the cutest thing nearest me... which happened to be Trouble.

It began innocently enough with mutual confessions of how cute the other person was. Thats how everything starts isn't it? And it always feels like some massive dam is breaking and allowing honesty to pour through. As if telling someone they are pretty is the hardest thing ever. Um we all like to be told we are pretty. No one is going to be offended by that. Especially gays. Compliments on our appearance is like Justin Beiber to 12 year old girls; it's what gives us the will to live.

Then it progresses to leg pats that begin at the knee and work their way up the thigh. The lingering hugs with wandering fingers along the back. Basically if neither of us were attached this would be the first recipie in the drunken hook-up cook book. Three easy ingredients! Two horny homos and alchohol. Mix together for 20 minutes and serve with lube.

Unfortunately (Fortunately?) we were both involved. and we knew it. which made the flirting sooooo much more intense. Its total psychology 101. Tell me I cannot have something and it is the only thing I want time a million. I suddenly cannot get this guy out of my head and its bad news bears. I need to get away from him. Yet drunk me does the opposite of good decision making. Drunk me gets into the back seat of a car with him and puts my head in his lap. Drunk me pulls him into my apartment and into my bed. Drunk me starts spooning with him. Drunk me needs to not be drunk anymore or he's going to make a terrible mistake.

LUCKILY my friend saw all this happening and pulled Trouble out of bed with me. I am so drunk/tired I don't even fight it. Once I realize what is happening I am all to eager to have him gone. I feel weird and cheap and pray a million thanks that nothing happened. We should all be so lucky to have a friend who steps in when our brain is failing. I have several of these and this is not the first time I've been drunkenly pulled out of a bad sitch. Thank you, to all of you for being my designated life choice makers.

The next day at work it was super awkward. Um obvi? I tried to avoid him all day long. I didn't want to have to explain myself or apologize. I don't do well when I have to admit I'm flawed, especially when its not in jest. Like on here I can call myself a trashy ho a hundred times and its hilarious, but if I had to seriously admit it to you, I would cry. I would cry slutty tears of std's. See?

Trouble, however, has different plans. He corners me and thanks me for last night. Uh? You're welcome? I guess. I mean if you want to cheat on your boyfriend thats your choice. I don't judge you. (Yes I do). But he means he had fun hanging out with me and that we should hang out sober when there is no danger of anything happening. I want to point out to him that there will always be danger at this point. We nearly crossed a line and being drunk wasn't the only reason. Mutual attraction doesn't disappear. I want to tell him its best if we stay acquaintances. But he thinks I'm cute. So I agree to go to the beach with him after work. DAMMIT.

This is when our "date" begins. We walk along the beach and talk about our lives and respective significant others. He actually is a really decent guy and nice to be around, but I am already feeling guilty. I know I shouldn't be out here with him. I finally blurt it all out about how confusing/difficult this is and he agrees. But neither of us are brave enough to just walk away. We sit on the lifeguard stand and stare out at the water clueless. Not touching. Just hoping the other will have a solution that saves us from humilation and hurting the guys we are with.

Wow it just got real for a hot minute.

Trouble and I head home without any solution and I immediately call my guy and am comforted by his voice. I know I could never cheat on him and that Trouble was just a test which I passed, but barely.

Gained Points for: Wanting to talk it through. I am not the best at being honest.

Lost Points for: Thinking there was a solution or compromise? Um we CANNOT do each other. There is no compromise there.

Mistakes I Made: Basically everything. If I'm getting drunk I need to be the only gay person around or be forced to wear an electric collar.

Chances for another date: If I suddenly got dumped and needed a re-bound... yes.

Overall Grade: Incomplete. Failure to be a real date.

Redemption

Sometimes you get a second chance.

Names have been changed to protect the near perfect.

Name of Date: Sgt. Handsome-Face

Date #:1

Looks Like: Jonathan Groff. For real-real.

Age: 25

Occupation: Grad Student

Where We Met: So Halloween is not the satantic holiday Fox News wants you to believe it is. In fact it is nothing more than a chance for gay men to dress slutty and party and wear glitter. Not that we need a day designated to do this, but its a chance for the rest of the nation to turn, look at us sans judgement and golf clap while mouthing "good for you. good for you."

This particular Holler-ween I went as cupid which mean sexy white jeans, no shirt, a heart painted on my chest, wings and a tiny bow and arrow. I looked like sex. No joke. I went out to the club and i'm dancing/drinking it up with my homos and I see Sgt. Handsome-Face. It was like the room froze and a spotlight shown down upon him. I am never the one to approach someone at a club but I was drawn in by his curly hair. He wasn't wearing a costume so I looked like the queen of sodomy town while he appeared cool and collected. I screeched my name and how cute he was and he talked for a minute. He said he was gonna finish his drink and then join me on the dance floor. However, 15 minutes later I see him chatting it up with some random hunk and I knew I was as good as forgotten. Never leave the hottest guy alone at the club. Its gay commandment #8. #1 is "You shall have no God other than me - Lady Gaga"

I thought all was lost until 3 days later Sgt. H-F messaged me on okcupid and asked me out. He apparently had no recollection of my drunken fairy flirting and thought my normal pictures were cute enough to warrant contact. I had been given a 2nd chance! The gay gods forgave my prancing and let the gift of hotness want to go on a date with me! I would be sure to not mention to him that we had met previously lest he renege on all dating offers.

What Happened: We agreed to meet at a local pub. I am usually against breeder bars but this one I actually like so I was impressed by his choice. I arrived and as I'm pulling in he texts me "I'm gonna be a few minutes late." I told him I didn't mind and decided to just order a beer and what for him. A few minutes turns into 10, to turns into 20, 20 turns into 30. I am beginning to panic at this point. I have been stood up. This guy is the worst asshole on the planet.

I decide that I'll wait until he gets there, say hello and then something sassy like "no one make me wait for them" and then walk out. I was super livid and also very insecure. Perhaps he had figured out who I was too late and then decided to back out? After 40 minutes of waiting he swaggers in looking fuh-reaking gorgeous. All my anger melts away. Apparently being pretty makes me immediately forgive you of all wrong-doing. Probs explains why I date hot assholes way longer than I need to.

So he joins me at the bar and apologizes for being tardy because he was playing cribbage with his parents. HOW CAN I BE MAD AT HIM FOR THAT?! If its an excuse its an adorable one. So we have a lovely conversation where he tells me he used to be a rugby player. I'm just gonna give you a minute to process that and everything that means.... ready? ok. He did americorp for a year and is taking some time off before going to grad school for international relations. plus he is a Christan.

hot. check.

athletic. check.

smart. check.

gonna make money. check.

religious. check.

uh folks i think we have a very real candidate for prince charming on our hands! and your prize consists of me in bed doing whatever you ask. you will be judged by a panel of experts led by tyra banks. she will growl.

So we chat for like an hour and its amazing. I do not want the date to end so I suggest the beach. He readily agrees and we head out there for some moonlit walking. When he holds my hand I feel like a very giddy 18 year old twink about to do porn for the very first time. We sit on the beach and cuddle while he plays music from his iphone. Its a 21st century romantic moment.

I make some very heavy suggestive comment about kissing him and he makes one back and we begin the makeouts. SCORE! I don't think the evening could have been more perfect if dolphins had risen out of the oceans and offered us a futon for comfortable beejs. But that only happens like every 5 times I got to the beach.

After making out I say "i'm not suggesting anything, and there are no expectations, but would you like to go back to my place?" ok you may think I'm being slutty but here is the real deal. When you meet a guy who fits everything you are looking for, you gotta lock that shit down. There was no way I was letting him get away without showing him everything I had to offer and some of my best qualities happen to arise when there are no clothes on. Get it?

So we make it back to my place and fall down on the bed. Its once of the most intense makeout sessions I've ever experienced. I try to take off his shirt, but he won't let me. I try to undo his belt, but he won't let me. He finally comes up for air and says "I think, for propriety's sake I should leave." and with that we know he is a gentleman too. This guy could not get any better. Then he adds. "you have no idea how much I want to do you right now, but lets save that." Um EVEN BETTER. He is a horny gentleman. And sex is vaguely promised for an upcoming future date.

When he leaves I am ecstatic and begin picking out our wedding colors.

Gained Points for: Being phenomenal

Lost Points for: Being late, but he quickly regained those.

Mistakes I Made: Assuming I needed sex to keep him interested. Apparently I'm cute and interesting enough myself. who knew? yay self-esteem!

Chances for Another Date: Uh. 100% time a billion

Overall Grade: A

Bad Acting

Sometimes guys aren't as impressive as they think they are.

Names have been changed to protect the faux-famous.

Name of Date: Z-List

Date #: 1

Looks Like: a small town boy trying to pass as a guido

Age: 19

Occupation: Actor

Where We Met: A cast party for a show on which i was working. (Notice how I did NOT end the sentence with a preposition)

What Happened: After exchanging phone numbers we decide an evening out at the shore would be nice. So I drive to meet him there fully expecting a lovely evening of conversation and moonlit beach walking. A girl has to have dreams, right? Also this is what I like to think street hookers imagine on their first night out. That some ridiculously handsome (but lonely) man will pick them up, wine them and dine them, and then decide they want to marry them. Then the $5 handy-j's begin with gross fatso's and the pimp-slaps snap them back into reality. NO WEDDING FOR YOU!

We go to this outdoor cafe. Ugh I hate outdoor cafes. My food is meant to be eaten in sterile air conditioned spaces devoid of bugs and sunlight. A quality that makes me team edward. Even though i'm totes team jacob.

So we order and have some pleasant conversation. He mentions he is an actor. Oh great now I have to listen to him talk about himself for the rest of the date. Which he proceeds to do. "Oh i've been in this movie. Oh i know this person. Oh i've done coke with Mischa Barton." Bitch please, no one cares. Coke is so 1980s and Mischa Barton hasn't been famous since 2004. Call me after you've sucked James Marsden's dick and we'll talk.

I now know I'm stuck in a date with an insane narcissist who showed up wearing knock-off ed hardy and black jeans. Ew. Black jeans. Denim should only exist in blue. or grey. oooo or white. or any other color that does not make you look like you want to be a juggalo. SPEAKING OF! Have you guys seen that "Miracles" video by the Insane Clown Posse? If not stop reading this and go youtube it. Seriously I will wait...

...WTF, RIGHT?!?! Although I'm pretty bored and disinterested on this date so a conversation about how fucking magnets work would have been a welcome distraction from his blabbering about trying to get a SAG card. Hehehe try FAG card. I am an adult, ladies and homos.

Well Z-List and I are walking along the beach now and I'm trying to find some way I can direct the conversation to not be about him when he suggests we go back to his place. I am so taken aback by a sentence that doesn't begin with "One time I..." that I hungrily agreed. If my man-bits are in his mouth, he will at least shut up. Also he is actually kind of cute and I wouldn't mind seeing him naked. Let's be real though, I wouldn't mind seeing anyone naked.

When we get back to his place he says "Oh fuck. my parents are home." And I remember he is 19 and obviously still lives with his parents. WHY DO I DATE BABY-MEN ?! I mean I'm all for suckling at the teat of not paying for anything, but having a place to myself where I can sex it up with trick after trick is worth the price of rent. He then says we should go to some abandoned field. I'm thinking outdoor sex, but he is thinking smoking a cigarette and making me gag.

Can I get on my soap box for another hot minute? Gays please listen: smoking stopped being sexy 50 years ago. It is now only acceptable for super models and 8th graders. How do you expect to get rippling abs at the gym if you can't even breathe? Seacrest out.

So he's smoking his don't-come-near-me stick. And I'm getting eaten alive by bugs. And this is seriously my life. The we make out. Because apparently I have no morals when a tongue is heading towards my throat. (Well when anything is heading towards my throat). And it is gross and tastes disgusting and he is heavier than he looks. After about 5 minutes I roll him off me and head home. He's been downgraded from Z-List to ZZZZZ-List.

Gained Points for: I dunno, asking me out in the first place.

Lost Points for: Pretty much everything else. He was a walking handbook for what not to do on a date.

Mistakes I Made: Going "back to his place." "Oh hi momsie, I'm gonna go blow your son now."

Chances for another date: If I'm bored and reruns of Gilmore Girls aren't playing. Sure.

Overall Grade: C

One More Sleep 'til Christmas... in Hell.

Sometimes I date really terrible people.

Names have been changed to protect the narcissistic assholes who we only truly recognize through the lens of hindsight.

Name of Date: The Worst

Date #: 3

Looks Like: Short with a weak chin. This is srsly like the 17th guy i've dated with a weak chin. Get some face-bones, dude(s).

Age: 25

Occupation: Grad Student

Where We Met: Connexion

What Happened: So our first two dates were relatively uneventful. They went well although they would bore the pants off of you unless you knew our whole history. which you don't. not yet. And we wouldn't want you reading this without pants on would we? (or would we?)

So remove your hand from your nether region and keep reading. Or don't. I don't care. If this gets you off keep your hand there for all I care. Maybe I've started the art of erotic-blogging.

Anyway it was going to be our third date. Because of our prospective jobs and recent life circumstances neither of us could fly home to be with mom for Christmas. He called me one night and said I should come over on Christmas Eve, we'd watch The Muppet Christmas Carol, and then go to bed and wake up with each other on Christmas morning and could open presents from the fams together. Adorbs right?

I'm all happy and giddy because this is the 3rd date and things have been going super well with him and I no longer avert my eyes at his weird facial structure and he's super affectionate and caring and does stuff like drive over to my place just to say goodnight before I go to bed. I was like head over heels for this homo.

PLUS we hadn't had sex yet. We both mentioned on our last date that we wanted it to happen, but that we shouldn't force it. (Although sometimes you have to, the guys with big packages know what I'm talking about). So I felt that this would be a wonderful Christmas gift to each other. I mean if Santa is coming, why can't I? At this point in my life the only real thing on my Christmas list anyway is cock.

So I go over to his place and we snuggle in to watch the movie. He so excited and completely precious (based on the novel PUSH by sapphire). He even sings along to the songs. Now he doesn't have a great voice but his eagerness warms my heart. And riffing through muppet movies is something to do while drunk with a fierce beltress.

When the movie ends we head to the bedroom to get ready for bed. We even foolishly go through the motions of brushing teeth, putting pajamas on, etc. PRETENSE! When we get into bed I think we last maybe 10 seconds before furiously making out. I had made sure to choose my sexiest sleep gear to ensure this. (Tip: No matter what your body looks like, a tight wife-beater will always make it look better.)

Also The Worst is The Best kisser I've ever been with. Sorry other guys I've dated it is just the truth. Hands down the best. So every time we got to make out I was like putty in his cunty hands.

Clothes begin to be removed and I get to see him naked for the first time and he has... and incredibly perfect body. Its insanely good from the tip of his toes to the tip of his neck, he has it going ON! I feel I've hit the jackpot here.

The touching/rubbing continues... but... he never gets worked "up" if you catch my drift. I mean my amazing (and yes, they are amazing) mouthular skills get him there for a minute, but then it goes away. He promises it isn't me (um. i'm pretty sure its ALWAYS the other person if you can't stay hard) and then proceeds to work on me. I finish. He doesn't. and we go to sleep.

I HATE THAT. I hate it sooo much. Not that "finishing" is the goal to be achieved but it is so lame to

a. not tell me what I can to do help

b. get me off so that I feel guilty about you not being able to

I literally obsess about this all night. This is the first time I've ever been in a situation where one of us didn't achieve happy town.

The next morning it is like Dr. Gay-Jekyl and Mr. Gay-Hyde. He wakes up in this terrible mood. "Oh. I guess we should open presents now." We begin to open presents and he is distant, cold and completely uninterested. He doesn't even care that I was thoughtful and listened and bought something special and meaningful for him. He didn't even get me a present! Not that I care. (ok who am i kidding, I totes cared. I LIKE THINGS!)

I asked him what was wrong and he gave me some flippant answer about hating not being with family today. Which would have been plausible if this mood went away the next time I saw him. But spoiler alert: HE STAYED DISTANT AND MOODY FOR THE NEXT FIVE MONTHS WE DATED. I hate to mention future dates in a post, but this moment was literally the turning point in our relationship. I had 2.5 awesome dates with him and then scores of terrible ones which I am sure I will write about later. This was also the ONLY time he allowed me to spend the night with him. Jerk-off. Oh wait. he can't even do that!

I left that morning feeling ugly, unwanted, under-appreciated and un-good at sexing. Which is something I really hate. Merry Christmas to me.

Gained Points for: An amazing date idea.

Lost Points for: Becoming the most selfish narcissistic douche-y guy i've ever dated LITERALLY overnight.

Mistakes I Made: Farting in the bed? Ewwww. no I didn't do that. Not at the first sleepover. I was a lady and went to the bathroom.

Chances for Another Date: Well apparently I'm into guys who make me feel terrible. Yay low self-esteem and fulfilling stereotypes. So yes.

Overall Grade: D -

This post brought to you buy a recent awkward run-in with The Worst that made me want to rip his face off.