Sometimes fierce sexy bitches make requests. This is for you, Bilger.
Names have been changed to protect the...
Name of Date: Santa Klaus.
Date #: 1
Looks Like: The Jolly Gay Giant's brother. But not as intimidating.
Age: 23
Occupation: Grad Student/Economist
Where We Met: Online. OK. I AM AN EFFING ONLINE WHORE-FACE.
What Happened:
Twas two days before Christmas
and alone in my house
all that was stirring
was the rather large mouse... in my pants.
I'm no good at rhyming. I am much more proficient in Haikus.
ANYWAY. I had met this kid online and he was in town for Christmas. He had nothing to do so I invited him over after I got off work to have a glass of wine and chill. AKA if you're pretty enough I will put my tongue in your mouth and take of my shirt.
Well due to a new employee it took me FOREVER TO GET HOME. And once I got there I had to clean and make the place look presentable. There is nothing worse than a sloppy homo. They come into your place and are all judgy-eyed and think things like "omgzz. this freak need some fa-breeze." I know. Because I've thought that. Myself. About myself.
SO I clean and I finally give him the green light to come over. By this point its 11:00pm and I'm wondering if I'm crossing the line into booty-call land. Which means I would have gotten my golden slut card. SO I am secretly hoping he isn't as cute as his picture so that I will have no desire to pull him down onto my bed. My bed is a no uglies zone.
So he arrives and dammit to hell, he's cute. Like super cute. And tall. Its moments like this I wish I had a chastity belt. I cannot control my groin. It needs to be caged. It is voracious. Imagine it. Yeeeeeeah.
So I pour him a glass of wine and we have funny banter about the term "wine key." And I've got the charm/wit turned up as high as it can go. He's laughing. I'm laughing. We discuss how he lives in germany (plus) in fluent in several languages (plus) is not out to his parents (minus) and how he just got out of a 3 year relationship (huge minus). The conversation quickly turns into a "i don't know how to date, am i going to end up alone?" pep talk. And I have been there so I know what it feels like. Hell, I am living that every day.
So I try to be encouraging and say. "Well... you are really handsome. I don't think you'll have any problem." And I pat his knee. He looks away and says "Thanks.... Awkward pause." HE LITERALLY SAID "AWKWARD PAUSE." I mean there are several options here
a. "aww you are handsome too"
b. "smile and kiss me."
c. ANYTHING OTHER THAN SAY "AWKWARD PAUSE."
I mean this was the kid who was texting me all day saying how excited he was about our "date." and now you can't even compliment a homo? BAD FORM! Then on top of all these he looks at the clock and says... "i should probably go soon." He should have just said "you are ugly and the thought of kissing you makes me want to be straight." So what could I say other than "well... leave when you need to."
Which he did. 15 minutes later. After feeding me some line about "lets get together again." I speak gay fluently, sir, i know you mean. "please do not text me and i'd appreciate it if you'd ignore me online." Ironically, he looked like the Jolly Gay Giant and treated me the same... except this time it wasn't the site of my penis that repulsed him... just my broke-ass face. I guess Santa didn't want to come... at all.
Gained Points for: Being smart and clever. And saving me from the guilt of being a slutty whore the next morning.
Lost Points for: Making me feel like an ugly stepsiter.
Mistakes I Made: Complimenting him? I dunno. I think I was pretty classy. I didn't even try to kiss him.
Chances for Another Date: I don't think I'll be hearing from him again.
Overall Grade: C
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Porn-u-copia!
Sometimes guys are really tricky.
Names have been changed to protect the devious.
Name of Date: Baby Face
Date #: 3
Title of Last Date: If At First You Don't Succeed...
Amount of Time Between Last Date: 2 weeks.
What Happened: Ok so our second date was relatively boring and not much happened. He took me to a movie. It was about as non-descript as you could get so I'm skipping right ahead to date tres.
I happened to be in NYC one afternoon so he said he would pick me up, we'd grab dinner and then I could crash at his place before I headed back home the next morning. I thought this sounded like a lovely idea. We also plainly addressed the fact that this was the third date and he was expecting sex. However he didn't do it in the "am i going to get laid?" way he was simply like "so this is the third date, will we be having sex?" i am such a sucker for direct questions that I said "yes" a bit too hastily and probably came of sounding like a desperate hooker.
While I was waiting for him to come meet me (I had just had some starbucks with a college friend) I went over in my head whether or not I'd actually go through with it. I mean this was a decent guy. We talked on the phone every night. Been dating for about a month. Whats wrong with it? My conservative upbringing wouldn't let go though. So I decided to leave it up to fate. If he had good hair and wasn't wearing ugly tennis shoes... I'd do it. You think I'm kidding, but I am serious. He had great hair on our first date, and the second it was weird and non-sexy. I figured that would be the best way to discern if I'd even be able to get a boner that night.
When he rounded the corner I saw a fantastic head of hair and gave myself a mental high five. Unfortch, I looked at his shoes. 1992 Foot Locker ad. Ugh. What is a girl to do? How am I supposed to know if I want to sleep with someone if they don't present a coherent package?
Anyway we got on the subway to brooklyn and had dinner at a cute little bistro around the corner from where he lived. He held my hand and was all romantic and midway through dinner Slim Fast called (see his dates) and I had to pretend I wasn't with someone. Its always awkward when dates interfere with one another. Unless its intended. And in a bedroom. Bada bing!
After dinner we go back to his place and he picks up the mail. I notice a manilla envelope without a return address on it and I think "oh wouldn't be hilarious if that was his porn magazine?" 10 seconds later he exclaims "awesome! I was waiting for this. its the next issue of 'freshmen'." Now... for you non-gays... 'freshmen' is a gay porn magazine featuring young guys. very twink. very abercrombie and fitch with full boners. very no body hair. I was a little disturbed that he was so open about admitting what it was.... until I got to his apartment.
It was almost like walking into an adult book store. He had oodles and oodles and oodles of porn. Literally shelves filled with magazines and dvds. And he had NO PROBLEM pointing them out to me on the tour of his place. Ok it is one thing to have porn. It is another to have hoards of porn. IT IS ANOTHER TO DISPLAY IT AND BE PROUD OF IT. Now I'm not a prude. I've seen porn and it has come in "handy" many times... but I think i maybe have one movie on my hard drive and that's it. I cannot imagine how this guy does anything but masturbate. Also WHY KEEP THIS MUCH? is it sentimental. did this particular blow-job touch your heart? I was legit confused.
So I know I should have addressed this and been all "hey creeper. holy crap this is too much porn." but i was polite and didn't say anything. i just kept averting my eyes everytime a rogue erection came into view. Also this should have been the sign from God NOT to jump into bed with him... but there were penises everywhere. I then realized this is allllll intentional. Its all part of the arousal process so that I'm all horny so that its impossible to say no. well played, baby face, well played.
Make outs occur. Obvi. Clothes come off. Obvi: The Sequel. And.... he is wearing a jock strap. LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, WE HAVE HOT SEXY UNDERWEAR. I am such a sucker for that. Its a HUGE turn on for me. From that moment I was done. There was no stopping. I boarded the train for whore-ville. Fare: my dignity. We ended up going at it twice that night and let me give credit where credit it due.... to this day... it is still... some of the best sexin' i have ever had. I will not lie. Maybe all that porn taught him a thing or two.
The next morning I am feeling pretty good. I have slept with him and we have great sexual chemistry. He's a really good guy and I like him. Things aren't actually that bad. Until he rolls over and says. "So I don't think this is gonna work out. I live here. You live there. Its just too much." The fucking prick tricked me again! SHAMYLAN-ED! (anybody watch "sunny in philly?" anyone?) He just wanted to screw me before ending it. I left that morning so pissed. I felt used and terrible.
Gained Points for: One of the best orgasms of my life. Damn, brother.
Lost Points for: TOSSING ME ASIDE WHEN YOU WERE DONE!
Mistakes I Made: Believing it would last beyond those 4 hours of fun.
Chances for Another Date: Zero. I may no longer have any dignity... but I'll refuse to be a repeat offender.
Overall Grade: D+
Names have been changed to protect the devious.
Name of Date: Baby Face
Date #: 3
Title of Last Date: If At First You Don't Succeed...
Amount of Time Between Last Date: 2 weeks.
What Happened: Ok so our second date was relatively boring and not much happened. He took me to a movie. It was about as non-descript as you could get so I'm skipping right ahead to date tres.
I happened to be in NYC one afternoon so he said he would pick me up, we'd grab dinner and then I could crash at his place before I headed back home the next morning. I thought this sounded like a lovely idea. We also plainly addressed the fact that this was the third date and he was expecting sex. However he didn't do it in the "am i going to get laid?" way he was simply like "so this is the third date, will we be having sex?" i am such a sucker for direct questions that I said "yes" a bit too hastily and probably came of sounding like a desperate hooker.
While I was waiting for him to come meet me (I had just had some starbucks with a college friend) I went over in my head whether or not I'd actually go through with it. I mean this was a decent guy. We talked on the phone every night. Been dating for about a month. Whats wrong with it? My conservative upbringing wouldn't let go though. So I decided to leave it up to fate. If he had good hair and wasn't wearing ugly tennis shoes... I'd do it. You think I'm kidding, but I am serious. He had great hair on our first date, and the second it was weird and non-sexy. I figured that would be the best way to discern if I'd even be able to get a boner that night.
When he rounded the corner I saw a fantastic head of hair and gave myself a mental high five. Unfortch, I looked at his shoes. 1992 Foot Locker ad. Ugh. What is a girl to do? How am I supposed to know if I want to sleep with someone if they don't present a coherent package?
Anyway we got on the subway to brooklyn and had dinner at a cute little bistro around the corner from where he lived. He held my hand and was all romantic and midway through dinner Slim Fast called (see his dates) and I had to pretend I wasn't with someone. Its always awkward when dates interfere with one another. Unless its intended. And in a bedroom. Bada bing!
After dinner we go back to his place and he picks up the mail. I notice a manilla envelope without a return address on it and I think "oh wouldn't be hilarious if that was his porn magazine?" 10 seconds later he exclaims "awesome! I was waiting for this. its the next issue of 'freshmen'." Now... for you non-gays... 'freshmen' is a gay porn magazine featuring young guys. very twink. very abercrombie and fitch with full boners. very no body hair. I was a little disturbed that he was so open about admitting what it was.... until I got to his apartment.
It was almost like walking into an adult book store. He had oodles and oodles and oodles of porn. Literally shelves filled with magazines and dvds. And he had NO PROBLEM pointing them out to me on the tour of his place. Ok it is one thing to have porn. It is another to have hoards of porn. IT IS ANOTHER TO DISPLAY IT AND BE PROUD OF IT. Now I'm not a prude. I've seen porn and it has come in "handy" many times... but I think i maybe have one movie on my hard drive and that's it. I cannot imagine how this guy does anything but masturbate. Also WHY KEEP THIS MUCH? is it sentimental. did this particular blow-job touch your heart? I was legit confused.
So I know I should have addressed this and been all "hey creeper. holy crap this is too much porn." but i was polite and didn't say anything. i just kept averting my eyes everytime a rogue erection came into view. Also this should have been the sign from God NOT to jump into bed with him... but there were penises everywhere. I then realized this is allllll intentional. Its all part of the arousal process so that I'm all horny so that its impossible to say no. well played, baby face, well played.
Make outs occur. Obvi. Clothes come off. Obvi: The Sequel. And.... he is wearing a jock strap. LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, WE HAVE HOT SEXY UNDERWEAR. I am such a sucker for that. Its a HUGE turn on for me. From that moment I was done. There was no stopping. I boarded the train for whore-ville. Fare: my dignity. We ended up going at it twice that night and let me give credit where credit it due.... to this day... it is still... some of the best sexin' i have ever had. I will not lie. Maybe all that porn taught him a thing or two.
The next morning I am feeling pretty good. I have slept with him and we have great sexual chemistry. He's a really good guy and I like him. Things aren't actually that bad. Until he rolls over and says. "So I don't think this is gonna work out. I live here. You live there. Its just too much." The fucking prick tricked me again! SHAMYLAN-ED! (anybody watch "sunny in philly?" anyone?) He just wanted to screw me before ending it. I left that morning so pissed. I felt used and terrible.
Gained Points for: One of the best orgasms of my life. Damn, brother.
Lost Points for: TOSSING ME ASIDE WHEN YOU WERE DONE!
Mistakes I Made: Believing it would last beyond those 4 hours of fun.
Chances for Another Date: Zero. I may no longer have any dignity... but I'll refuse to be a repeat offender.
Overall Grade: D+
Sunday, December 13, 2009
A Decent Man
Sometimes I date guys that are more interesting than me.
Names have been changed to protect the compelling.
Name of Date: Amish Gay
Date #: 1
Looks Like: Rosy Cheeks, Bonde Hair, 6'3" skinny-skinny.
Age: 22
Occupation: College Student
Where We Met: We started chatting online on the site "connexion." He later confessed that he thought the only reason I IM-ed him was because I wanted in his pants... he wasn't completely wrong.
What Happened: So I am helllllla bored one evening. Like to the point where even masturbating doesn't seem fun. We've all hit that point right fellas? (ladies?). So I'm online looking for something (one) I could go do (i jest.. kinda) when I see this kid, Amish Gay, online and he lives 20 min from me so I figure... why not? I'll im him. We chat for a while and he seems pretty nice. I begin heavily hinting that I am bored and have nothing (one) to do. Because he is quick witted and familiar with how this works, he invites me out to a bar.
So on the drive over I'm going through this whole crisis of "am I slutty? am I just going to meet this guy so I can get laid?" I don't know how many of you have been in this situation before but its like the shittiest/most sobering feeling ever. I take the drive to shake off all my horny/grossness and decide I will have a nice gentelmanly date with him. I will shake his hand when I leave and deal with the blue balls later. My pride propelled me forward.
When I get downtown its like an effing douche convention. I really feel like Jersey Shore is doing a out of town shoot. There are guidos everywhere. I want to run and hide from the hair product and fake tans. Then I realize there is a street fair/festival going on... with free beer and it all make sense. I have to park like 20 blocks away and when I finally make it to the bar, it is packed. I don't even want to venture inside for fear of sweaty assholes touching me. I might catch it. Thats how you become a guid0 right? Or do they have to bite you? Or is it from toilet seats? Someone wikipedia this immediately.
So I'm standing outside waiting for him and I see him running up from the opposite end of the street fair. He is cute, even though his clothes are bit ill-fitting. I kind of tilted my head and attirbuted it to the fact that he was so skinny. Slim homos have trouble finding stuff that makes them look cute. You either end up looking feminine or like a 12 year old circa 1995.
He introduces himself and he is so nice. We walk up and down the street fair looking at things and sampling beer. We get to know each other and I find out he goes to a conservatory and is majoring in violin performance. Which i find super effing sexy. Picture with me a naked dude sitting on a chair and serenading you on a violin while you're in bed and the rain falls. Are you in love yet? Cause you should be.
We run into some of his conservatory friends (gays) and they give me the up down and up again. I'm looking cute and cut so I don't even care. He politely introduces me and we move on. I am appreciative of the fact that he doesn't invite them to stroll with us. I don't want to have to impress his homo friends. I hate that game. You know how I do. I'd probably say something inappropriate or find one of them more attractive anyway. ugh. I am such a stereotype.
We stop by this cover band (and they are actually pretty decent) and they are playing "Don't Stop Believing" which has become a new gay anthem ever since glee. And while lea michele isn't belting her breats off, i still dance around like a fool. He seems amused. I am so charming.
After that rousing number we begin a really interesting conversation about how he grew up Amish and lived on a farm. I was captivated. The Amish have always intrigued me and I couldn't get enough of his life before his family left the faith. And while he said he misses it, he also mentioned how he couldn't live his life the way he wanted if he was still there. I made a joke about sleeping with men and he calmly said "I meant playing the violin. Instruments are a sin." Risque flirty joke fail. Ouch.
For whatever reason he seemed into me and I was considering undo-ing my no sex rule. He even invited me back to a party some of his friends were having on campus. YOU GUYS KNOW HOW I LOVE COLLEGE PARTIES, RIGHT? Kegs and Ladiezzzz. Uh.... I think college parties top the list of things I hate more than homophobes, jorts and keira knightley. oh man i hate her.
But this guy is cute and I'm loose enough to give a handy j... so... I go. Do you see a pattern in my life?
The party is worse that I could have ever imagined. Its a band geek party. And on top of that its a GAY band geek party. Ugh I'm stuck with 10 really lousy looking homos who's attempt at wit and banter fall as short as their high water jeans. As miserable as it is, I'm in judging heaven. And I take no prisinors with my assesment. Imagine paris hilton smacking her gum and texting while rolling her eyes. Now imagine me making a snide comment while my thumbs flick away. I also turn down all alcohol offers. Being the oldest person at a college party; its a requirement. Its giving a middle finger to their youthfullness while saying "I am an adult and above all of you."
Luckily Amish Gay is loving this. I think younger guys like to date older guys for this reason. We can make their younger and more unfortunate counterparts feel inferior. Also I am good at making anyone feel inferior.
He picks up on the fact that I want to leave so he makes an excuse so we can part. His friends scowl and glare as we leave jealous that I won't be waking up next to them in the morning. At least I assume.
We get back to his house and I'll "ok where is your bed?" and he's all "lets sit on the couch" and I'm all "no seriously, i wanna make out" and he's all "for reals. lets chat." Which is what we end up doing. And while I'm disappointed for like 10 seconds... he turns out to be this really insightful and interesting person. We spend a couple hours talking about everything from our personal life philosophies to past relationships to our families and religion. I find him terribly fascinating to the point where I'm almost dissapointed when we actually do begin making out. Until I realize his is a phenomenal kisser. And I stop caring about talking and i'm all "feelings are boring. kissing is awesome."
We venture into his bedroom finally and I'm ready to get it on. bow-chick-bow-wow. But he is far classier than I and stops the lustful grabbing and sloppy kisses once I get his shirt off. Now here is where it gets kinda weird.
He invites me to spend the night. I think he is joking after stopping the great sex that was surely about to happens. But he is for real-real. I tell him, "if I stay, i'm going to push the boundaries." and he said "thats part of the fun." and I giggle thinking he just wants me to work for it and I'm funna play that game. hard. but then he follows up with "but i've set the limit and you're not getting further than that."
I then decide its best to leave instead of spend a frustrated night with a boner. But I tell him we should get together real soon. He's cute, smart talented and classy. A girl could do worse.
Gained Points for: Maintaining a phenomenal conversation.
Lost Points for: Being a little bit too much of a cock tease.
Mistakes I Made: Flip-Flopping on the degree of slutty I wanted to indulge.
Chances for Another Date: really really really really good.
Overall Grade: A
Names have been changed to protect the compelling.
Name of Date: Amish Gay
Date #: 1
Looks Like: Rosy Cheeks, Bonde Hair, 6'3" skinny-skinny.
Age: 22
Occupation: College Student
Where We Met: We started chatting online on the site "connexion." He later confessed that he thought the only reason I IM-ed him was because I wanted in his pants... he wasn't completely wrong.
What Happened: So I am helllllla bored one evening. Like to the point where even masturbating doesn't seem fun. We've all hit that point right fellas? (ladies?). So I'm online looking for something (one) I could go do (i jest.. kinda) when I see this kid, Amish Gay, online and he lives 20 min from me so I figure... why not? I'll im him. We chat for a while and he seems pretty nice. I begin heavily hinting that I am bored and have nothing (one) to do. Because he is quick witted and familiar with how this works, he invites me out to a bar.
So on the drive over I'm going through this whole crisis of "am I slutty? am I just going to meet this guy so I can get laid?" I don't know how many of you have been in this situation before but its like the shittiest/most sobering feeling ever. I take the drive to shake off all my horny/grossness and decide I will have a nice gentelmanly date with him. I will shake his hand when I leave and deal with the blue balls later. My pride propelled me forward.
When I get downtown its like an effing douche convention. I really feel like Jersey Shore is doing a out of town shoot. There are guidos everywhere. I want to run and hide from the hair product and fake tans. Then I realize there is a street fair/festival going on... with free beer and it all make sense. I have to park like 20 blocks away and when I finally make it to the bar, it is packed. I don't even want to venture inside for fear of sweaty assholes touching me. I might catch it. Thats how you become a guid0 right? Or do they have to bite you? Or is it from toilet seats? Someone wikipedia this immediately.
So I'm standing outside waiting for him and I see him running up from the opposite end of the street fair. He is cute, even though his clothes are bit ill-fitting. I kind of tilted my head and attirbuted it to the fact that he was so skinny. Slim homos have trouble finding stuff that makes them look cute. You either end up looking feminine or like a 12 year old circa 1995.
He introduces himself and he is so nice. We walk up and down the street fair looking at things and sampling beer. We get to know each other and I find out he goes to a conservatory and is majoring in violin performance. Which i find super effing sexy. Picture with me a naked dude sitting on a chair and serenading you on a violin while you're in bed and the rain falls. Are you in love yet? Cause you should be.
We run into some of his conservatory friends (gays) and they give me the up down and up again. I'm looking cute and cut so I don't even care. He politely introduces me and we move on. I am appreciative of the fact that he doesn't invite them to stroll with us. I don't want to have to impress his homo friends. I hate that game. You know how I do. I'd probably say something inappropriate or find one of them more attractive anyway. ugh. I am such a stereotype.
We stop by this cover band (and they are actually pretty decent) and they are playing "Don't Stop Believing" which has become a new gay anthem ever since glee. And while lea michele isn't belting her breats off, i still dance around like a fool. He seems amused. I am so charming.
After that rousing number we begin a really interesting conversation about how he grew up Amish and lived on a farm. I was captivated. The Amish have always intrigued me and I couldn't get enough of his life before his family left the faith. And while he said he misses it, he also mentioned how he couldn't live his life the way he wanted if he was still there. I made a joke about sleeping with men and he calmly said "I meant playing the violin. Instruments are a sin." Risque flirty joke fail. Ouch.
For whatever reason he seemed into me and I was considering undo-ing my no sex rule. He even invited me back to a party some of his friends were having on campus. YOU GUYS KNOW HOW I LOVE COLLEGE PARTIES, RIGHT? Kegs and Ladiezzzz. Uh.... I think college parties top the list of things I hate more than homophobes, jorts and keira knightley. oh man i hate her.
But this guy is cute and I'm loose enough to give a handy j... so... I go. Do you see a pattern in my life?
The party is worse that I could have ever imagined. Its a band geek party. And on top of that its a GAY band geek party. Ugh I'm stuck with 10 really lousy looking homos who's attempt at wit and banter fall as short as their high water jeans. As miserable as it is, I'm in judging heaven. And I take no prisinors with my assesment. Imagine paris hilton smacking her gum and texting while rolling her eyes. Now imagine me making a snide comment while my thumbs flick away. I also turn down all alcohol offers. Being the oldest person at a college party; its a requirement. Its giving a middle finger to their youthfullness while saying "I am an adult and above all of you."
Luckily Amish Gay is loving this. I think younger guys like to date older guys for this reason. We can make their younger and more unfortunate counterparts feel inferior. Also I am good at making anyone feel inferior.
He picks up on the fact that I want to leave so he makes an excuse so we can part. His friends scowl and glare as we leave jealous that I won't be waking up next to them in the morning. At least I assume.
We get back to his house and I'll "ok where is your bed?" and he's all "lets sit on the couch" and I'm all "no seriously, i wanna make out" and he's all "for reals. lets chat." Which is what we end up doing. And while I'm disappointed for like 10 seconds... he turns out to be this really insightful and interesting person. We spend a couple hours talking about everything from our personal life philosophies to past relationships to our families and religion. I find him terribly fascinating to the point where I'm almost dissapointed when we actually do begin making out. Until I realize his is a phenomenal kisser. And I stop caring about talking and i'm all "feelings are boring. kissing is awesome."
We venture into his bedroom finally and I'm ready to get it on. bow-chick-bow-wow. But he is far classier than I and stops the lustful grabbing and sloppy kisses once I get his shirt off. Now here is where it gets kinda weird.
He invites me to spend the night. I think he is joking after stopping the great sex that was surely about to happens. But he is for real-real. I tell him, "if I stay, i'm going to push the boundaries." and he said "thats part of the fun." and I giggle thinking he just wants me to work for it and I'm funna play that game. hard. but then he follows up with "but i've set the limit and you're not getting further than that."
I then decide its best to leave instead of spend a frustrated night with a boner. But I tell him we should get together real soon. He's cute, smart talented and classy. A girl could do worse.
Gained Points for: Maintaining a phenomenal conversation.
Lost Points for: Being a little bit too much of a cock tease.
Mistakes I Made: Flip-Flopping on the degree of slutty I wanted to indulge.
Chances for Another Date: really really really really good.
Overall Grade: A
Monday, December 7, 2009
5 Year Anniversa-gay
Sometimes I get sentimental and on the 5th anniversary of me coming out... this it totes approp.
Names have been changed to protect... oh who am I kidding. It's Steve Kirsch.
Name of Date: The First
Date #: 1
Looks Like: Your first love
Age: 18
Occupation: College Freshmen
Where We Met: In the theatre hallway at my college waiting to audition for our fall musical; The Civil War. We spent two months being "best friends" which included sleep overs and snuggling (I'll take deep denial for $800, Alex.) until we finally kissed and become boyfriends.
What Happened: So it was the evening of my school's christmas tradition... which is this dance or something. I never went in all the 4 years I attended. In fact I only went to one school dance my whole time there... which was with a boy, actually. (see And Isn't it Ironic?)
However at this point The First and I were so afraid of getting hate crimed we'd have never done anything as bold as that. For serious. I spent a lot of time imagining graphic beatings and homophobic slurs. Coming out be hard, yo. So INSTEAD we decided we would go on our first real date. School spirit (and rules against boy to boy touching/rubbing) be damned!
I started the evening much like my male floormates did. I went and bought flowers and made sure they were pretty. I picked out a cute outfit. It was a blue stripped sweater from express that was really uncomfortable to wear... but I looked really hot in. Because I had already graduated from the university of good looking. (location: pretty town, better than everyone else, USA) And then I took a shower.
Here is the thing about communal showers in college. You see a lot of penis. I could go into much detail about this... about the homo eroticism of 6 men lathering next to each other. About how this visual haunted my closeted dreams. About the lingering looks and such. But I feel thats pretty well worn territory. And if you really want that... theres like soooo much communal shower gay porn... BELIEVE ME.
So while my heterosexual friends were shaving and spraying on axe. (judged) I was right there with them listening to them talk about the girls they were taking to the dance while they heterocentrically assumed I was doing the same thing. Little did they know that there would be no lady lips (face or otherwise) involved in my evening.
So I placed the flowers in the car and picked him up from his dorm room. See I am a gentelman. Or I used to be. I think being classy and considerate are skills that were once prominent and now only re-surface when I meet husband potential. The 2 dollar trick from the gay club ain't gettin the door opened for him. And we went off to dinner at Ruby Tuesday's. Ok I know its not fancy, but I'm a poor college student and we lived in bumble fuck... and we were in love. As long as we got to be together it didn't really matter where we went.
He loved the flowers and we spent the meal looking into each other's eyes. Our waitress totes knew what was up and loved us for it. Old waitresses really like young gay couples, I've learned. I think it has to do with some old lady math equation dealing with sass and cute. I don't know the specifics.
After dinner we drove back to the empty campus. He had to throw the flowers away, which I find this really sad and symbolic moment when I think about it now. He was too scared that one of his roommates would ask about them, so it was easier to let them go than face questions. I completely understood at the time and its shocking to me that we were so afraid of being found out. We were living our lives in secret and things that should have been celebrated we had to keep quiet. It was a lot to handle.
SAD DEPRESSING MOMENT OVER.
We made it back to my dorm room and watched Saved! That movie always makes me cry. Christian boy accepting himself as gay? I can probably recite that monologue from memory. No. Not probably. I can. Of course there were plenty of make outs, because when you've spent 18 years of your life NOT kissing boys... it is something you tend to like to do when you finally get the chance.
I loved Steve a lot. He was my first. This post is definitely more sentimental that I like to get, but I want to honor him and what we had. Plus my first real gay date was a significant moment. Thanks for letting me share it :)
Names have been changed to protect... oh who am I kidding. It's Steve Kirsch.
Name of Date: The First
Date #: 1
Looks Like: Your first love
Age: 18
Occupation: College Freshmen
Where We Met: In the theatre hallway at my college waiting to audition for our fall musical; The Civil War. We spent two months being "best friends" which included sleep overs and snuggling (I'll take deep denial for $800, Alex.) until we finally kissed and become boyfriends.
What Happened: So it was the evening of my school's christmas tradition... which is this dance or something. I never went in all the 4 years I attended. In fact I only went to one school dance my whole time there... which was with a boy, actually. (see And Isn't it Ironic?)
However at this point The First and I were so afraid of getting hate crimed we'd have never done anything as bold as that. For serious. I spent a lot of time imagining graphic beatings and homophobic slurs. Coming out be hard, yo. So INSTEAD we decided we would go on our first real date. School spirit (and rules against boy to boy touching/rubbing) be damned!
I started the evening much like my male floormates did. I went and bought flowers and made sure they were pretty. I picked out a cute outfit. It was a blue stripped sweater from express that was really uncomfortable to wear... but I looked really hot in. Because I had already graduated from the university of good looking. (location: pretty town, better than everyone else, USA) And then I took a shower.
Here is the thing about communal showers in college. You see a lot of penis. I could go into much detail about this... about the homo eroticism of 6 men lathering next to each other. About how this visual haunted my closeted dreams. About the lingering looks and such. But I feel thats pretty well worn territory. And if you really want that... theres like soooo much communal shower gay porn... BELIEVE ME.
So while my heterosexual friends were shaving and spraying on axe. (judged) I was right there with them listening to them talk about the girls they were taking to the dance while they heterocentrically assumed I was doing the same thing. Little did they know that there would be no lady lips (face or otherwise) involved in my evening.
So I placed the flowers in the car and picked him up from his dorm room. See I am a gentelman. Or I used to be. I think being classy and considerate are skills that were once prominent and now only re-surface when I meet husband potential. The 2 dollar trick from the gay club ain't gettin the door opened for him. And we went off to dinner at Ruby Tuesday's. Ok I know its not fancy, but I'm a poor college student and we lived in bumble fuck... and we were in love. As long as we got to be together it didn't really matter where we went.
He loved the flowers and we spent the meal looking into each other's eyes. Our waitress totes knew what was up and loved us for it. Old waitresses really like young gay couples, I've learned. I think it has to do with some old lady math equation dealing with sass and cute. I don't know the specifics.
After dinner we drove back to the empty campus. He had to throw the flowers away, which I find this really sad and symbolic moment when I think about it now. He was too scared that one of his roommates would ask about them, so it was easier to let them go than face questions. I completely understood at the time and its shocking to me that we were so afraid of being found out. We were living our lives in secret and things that should have been celebrated we had to keep quiet. It was a lot to handle.
SAD DEPRESSING MOMENT OVER.
We made it back to my dorm room and watched Saved! That movie always makes me cry. Christian boy accepting himself as gay? I can probably recite that monologue from memory. No. Not probably. I can. Of course there were plenty of make outs, because when you've spent 18 years of your life NOT kissing boys... it is something you tend to like to do when you finally get the chance.
I loved Steve a lot. He was my first. This post is definitely more sentimental that I like to get, but I want to honor him and what we had. Plus my first real gay date was a significant moment. Thanks for letting me share it :)
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