The Bad Kind of Role Playing

Sometimes you can pinpoint the exact moment it's over... oh and sometimes I change the layout of my blog.

Names have been changed to protect the textbook geeky.

Name of Date: Transition

Date #:4

Title of Last Date: Annnnnd.... I'm Back!

Amount of Time Between Dates: A month roughly

What Happened: I'm leaving out our two in between dates because nothing really happened. I mean they were your basic dinner, conversation, goodnight kiss dates. Nothing past first base. Nothing you perverts or schadenfreude enthusiasts would care to read about.

Things have been going well with Transition, although I'm unsure as to whether or not I feel a certain spark with him. He's kind, attentive, adores me, etc. I just... to be honest... don't feel like ripping his clothes off. That's a big part of finding a mate right? I mean judge all you want or think me insanely shallow but if the sexual chemistry is off, then there is no passion. What more is he then a great friend who you cuddle with then wait 'til he leaves so you can jerk it to good porn? amiright?

BUT I was trying this new thing where I didn't write him off. I thought with time and prolonged exposure maybe he'd give me some boners? Who knows? He might be one of those learn to find attractive types.

So one weekend I'm out visiting him at his place and he tells me that Sunday is the day for him to go hang out with his closest friends and.... get ready... are you ready?... seriously are you sitting down?.... this is not a joke.... like for real-real.... sigh.... play dungeons and dragons.

I'll give you a moment.

Now my initial reaction is one of acceptance. It is not anything I know about. It is not a culture with which I am familiar. Perhaps these cloaked horned social outcasts are nice people. Perhaps they provide muffins. PERHAPS the game is actually interesting and devastatingly sad-sounding. I was all about giving it a chance. So I told him there was no need for him to cancel, that I'd be happy to tag along and see what this was all about.

I just dug my own grave. Well not mine. His. Well not his. Our relationship's.

When we arrive, it is literally everything you think out of "I Had No Friends in High School Weekly." The apartment is a sty. There is crap everywhere. Action figures and strategy books line the walls. I suddenly realize I am not in the house of a person who enjoys a game occasionally. I am in the den of an obsessive dungeon master who probably has we dreams about 12-sided dice. Or gnomes. Or whatever the fuck is in this game.

What is worse. These people. This "man" and this "woman" are married. Society has deemed them fit enough to legally wed, yet denies gay people the same sad existence. AND WHAT IS WORSE; They have a baby. I don't even remember her name but it was probably princess dark crystal marie or something equally terrifying. Part of me wants to steal this baby and take her to a land where she'll learn appropriate social behavior and develop at a normal pace. But I'm not ready to be a single father. Poor thing will just have to wear her duct tape dress to the prom to mask her feelings of shame.

ALSO I am in judging heaven. So I'm torn between wanting to flee and taking copious notes.

The game begins. I didn't think things could be so simultaneously outrageous and boring. I have never witnessed this game before but literally its army men on a piece of graph paper. I imagined an elaborate board game set up. Thirteen Dead End Drive anyone? But no. Nothing so opulent. The game consists of one person who made up some outrageous story and then a bunch of dice rolling. THAT IS IT. The pieces don't even really move that much. My Sunday afternoon is sitting around a table with a bunch of slobs stuffing their faces with doritos and mountain dew while a baby cries in the background and my soul aches to watch TLC because at least the Duggars are cray-cray in a captivating way.

I look over at Transition and he is so into it. He's into it like nothing else. He doesn't even put this much effort into trying to get into my pants. The only way I could be into this game is if I knew the prize involved something with washboard abs.

HOURS LATER. They pause. The game has progressed marginally due to insufficient armor or clogged arteries. I cannot remember which. My eyes have rolled past the point of normal rolling and must be held into place. Transition breaks his focus and notices I am miserable. The sun has set and he takes me home. We make a hurried exit and I have never felt more grateful to leave a place.

This game ruins lives.

I tried to be accepting but it was seriously the most atrocious day of my life. Anyone involved in that is getting the ax.

Gained Points For: Noticing my pain and rescuing me.

Lost Points For: Actually caring about D&D

Mistakes I Made: Stepping foot inside that house. Thank goodness I had the sense enough to not ask them to teach me how to play

Chances for Another Date: I ended things with him shortly after

Overall Grade: F

This blog was by no means meant to be offensive to D&D players. I am sure you all are lovely people. I just... don't. get. it.

Dude, Where's My Escape Car?

Sometimes I should put my foot down

Names have been changed to protect well-intentioned.

Name of Date: Kurosawa

Date #: 2

Title of Last Date: Mixed Media

Amount of Time Between Dates: 1 week

What Happened: After a surprisingly good date with a guy with a weak chin (which is like #3 on my list of things I find the least attractive) I was pretty eager to go out with Kurosawa again. I mean his place with essentially a hipster's frat house. But I could look past the pretentious movie posters and skinny jeans strewn about into his soul. His caring and affectionate soul. Oh I had to look past that weak chin too. That took more effort.

Well he called me up and said that movie we were meant to go see was playing in a city 90 minutes away on 3-D IMAX and he and his friends were going. He asked if I wanted to join. Oh and also they'd be spending the night there.

Let me just go ahead and disect everything wrong with that invitation:

a. if i'm driving 90 minutes anywhere its going to be for an H&M or a Lady Gaga Concert or Alice Ripley on tour with N2N. It is not going to be for a movie I would watch with regular-D right down the street. I would also drive that far for anything involving Tyra Banks.

b. 3-D Imax does not impress me. Sometimes the biggest things are pretty to marvel at but then after the first 30 seconds it's just uncomfortable. BADA-BING!

c. your friends? really?! date #2 and you expect me to not only meet your "friends" but spend and elongated period of time with them. there is no chance for escape. no text message rescue from my bff. just stuck in a distant city with people who probably don't want me there in the first place. i mean think of it from their perspective: they has massive film school boners over this movie and i'm there giving their buddy a real one which distracts him from their high fives and dork talk. i can pretty much guarantee my presence was not welcome.

d. do you really want our first night spent together to be on some rando's futon with 6 other people in the room? i mean it's not even a dolphin-borne beej futon for goodness sake! (love you, lauren ;)) not only can we not make out, but we have to actively act like we don't want to so we don't awkward-ize this sitch in front of your (i'm guessing) sex-life-less friends.

DECONSTRUCTION DONE!

He actually has to convince me pretty hard that it's a good idea for me to attend. I sigh and hem and haw and try to tell him I don't want to be there, but homo loves attention and the promise of being "owed one" got me to say yes.

When I get to his place we are immediately off to pick up his "friends." I am introduced to them and for the life of me I cannot remember a single one of their faces, let alone their names. They were two different hetero couples and a lone single straight dude. This made me feel worse. Kurosawa could have at least been this guy's friend so he didn't have to feel like the loser he was. But instead brings me to add to the number of couples and alone-ness he must feel. He probably cried himself to sleep that night.

The trip there was agonizing. Even though we took two cars, 7th wheel had to come in the car with Kurosawa and I and another couple. I don't remember why. I was crammed in the backseat being largely ignored while they discussed film stuff and how awesome this movie was going to be. The only way this movie could have lived up to it's hype and this trip for me is if it was just a parade of 3-D penises interspersed with performances from Glee. THE ONLY WAY!

It was not. In fact I kind of hated it. In fact I did hate it. In fact Kurosawa could tell.

This was not turning out to be the awesome road-trip with his new man that he had planned. I tried to warn him of this but delusions of grandeur or the promise of a handj later on kept him optomistic.

After the movie one of his gaggle of geeks decided drinks were a good idea. YES! YES THANK YOU TAKE ME THERE NOW PLEASE. We go to some local bar and by divine intervention the drink special that night was $4 Long Island Iced Teas. It was God saying "oh this has been rough, just get sloppy and embarrass yourself, k?"

I have three. At this point I love everyone. I love his friends. I love him. I am not caring about anything. I distinctly remember talking to one of the females and saying "We haven't had sex yet, but I'm worried he has a tiny penis." WHO DOES THAT?!? This drunk classy guy does. I always keep it real. I always keep it totes inappropes. Oh and she confirmed he didn't. They had gone skinny dipping and she assured me I'd be pleased. I liked her. She knew what mattered.

When we make it back to this kid's place to sleep Kurosawa immediately claims the pull-out sofa for us. I felt like a queen. It was so romantic and chivalrous that drunk me wanted to take my clothes off right there. I was seriously considering some discreet way we could do it when he said "oh hey. we're gonna go get high, do you mind?"

Now readers. At this point in my life marijuana terrified me. It was illegal and unknown and the devil. and the devil's babies. I was horrified he smoked pot. It sobered me up quickly and I told him he could do what he wanted all the while knowing his hopes of getting any were slowly fading away. I was such a prude! Oh also at this point in my life I'd also only ever hooked up with 2 other guys so sex was a big deal too. YES THERE WAS A TIME IN MY LIFE I WAS NOT SLUTTY McHO-FACE.

He smoked. I was appalled and was in bed by the time he came inside. He crawled in next to me and tried to be the big spoon. I let him, but didn't offer any affection back. Notice how passive-aggressive I am. I am obviously handling this the was proper white gay boys are supposed to; by saying one thing and acting another. Thank you, Emily Gilmore, for the WASP lessons. Much love.

We fell asleep. No sex. He knew not to even rub his boner up against me.

The next morning I had the worst hangover ever. All I wanted to do was get home and shower. Buuuuuut his friends had other ideas. They wanted to go out to breakfast. Ugh this moment is what I hated the most, when the downright annoyance and uncomfortableness of one person in the party is overshadowed by a group mentality to go do something. Where was my escape route? Kurosawa was no help. Hollandaise sauce was calling his name. We waited forever. The service was terrible. My headache pounded. I wanted to go home.

When we FINALLY got on the road (around noon) I was so pissy that I literally crossed my arms and pouted in the backseat. Then I fell asleep. I am five.

When I woke up my head was in Kurosawa's lap and he was stroking my hair. He said "hey sleepy head, you'll be home in a few minutes." I smiled thankful this whole ordeal was over.

Gained Points For: wanting to show me off? under different circumstances I like being a trophy date.

Lost Points For: i think the thing that annoyed me the most was breakfast the next morning. I was more pissed about that than anything else.

Mistakes I Made: judging him for pot smoking. i'm not as uptight anymore.

Chances for Another Date: In our city and alone, most def. Plus I was told he was hung... so.... I'mma need confirmation

Overall Grade: D. LITeas saved it from failing.

Cock Block

Sometimes a guy cannot take a hint.

Names have been changed to protect the insanely patient.

Name of Date: The Beard

Date #: 1

Looks Like: Your typical 5'5" twink. Except he had a full beard, so he was what we gayz call an "otter." I am not even kidding. There is a term for that.

Age: 18

Occupation: Student

Where We Met: Adam4Adam. I will give you a minute to decide whether that is trashier than Craigslist. It's really your call.

What Happened: SO! I am very anxious one night to go out and do something. I call up my friend Nick to see if he wants to chill. I don't get a response so I throw my phone on the coffee table and act like my boredom is his fault. Because clearly everyone should be on call to entertain me at a moment's notice.

I log onto A4A to kill some time and see this profile of this pretty cute dude so we begin chatting. He tells me he is a student at a local college studying... oh who the hell cares he's cute. He's adorbs and can maintain a conversation. Apparently my search for prince charming has really awesome standards. "breathing? check. hot? check. ok you pass, onto round two." I'm such a grown-up.

I suggest we meet up and he likes that idea. The plan is to go to this karaoke place and just kind of make fools of ourselves. As I am walking out the door Nick calls and I tell him I just made plans to go to this karaoke bar. He chimes in "sounds like fun! i'll be there in 15." Uhhhh... that was not an invite. That was me politely telling you that you are too late. You just invited yourself along on my first date with The Beard.

Which

If I may

In his profile pics on the site, he did not have a beard. I was unaware of it's presence until he strolled up to me at the lounge. I didn't recognize him for a second. This wasn't a forgot to shave for a week beard, this was a grizzly, intense, full-out beard. Shouldn't you mention that to someone? Isn't there some kind of etiquette about saying "oh hey dude, btws i've got this insane facial hair thing going on now." I just feel its common courtesy. Although there are plenty of old creepers running around with pictures of them 20 years ago that don't say anything either. This was a forgivable offense.

Anyway on my way to the place, I am trying to figure out how to make it clear to Nick that he is unwelcome without being explicit about it and how to show The Beard that this was not at all what I had in mind.

When I get there (and get over the initial shock of seeing his face) I can tell he is a little put off by having someone else there. To the point where he doesn't want to sing. Fuck. This was the whole point, to be silly and have a good time. Nick is ridiculous and oblivious and pulls me up to sing every single duet in the book. I'm sorry but "Islands in the Stream" does not allow me to belt or riff. Why the hell is it even an option? That's why I like karaoke: It is my own private American Idol. I will conduct with my hand and writhe around the stage like [insert pop diva here] until my heart is content. Pretty much anything by Celine or Whitney is an excellent choice.

I am trying to make eye contact with The Beard the whole time. My eyes are pleading "please forgive me and this moron next to me I would much rather be talking to you or taking your clothes off but still respecting you maybe we leave your clothes on for now if you're not ok or if you are i am down for that but i'm not a slut you look really cute." Its a really difficult look but I've perfected it and I think he got the message because the look back I got was "oh hey yeah that guy is a moron i think i would like to see you naked too maybe wrap this up already?"

Which I do. I pay and say "time to call it a night."

Out in the parking lot we are saying our goodbyes and The Beard says ALL TOO LOUDLY

"hey lets go grab some food"

this statement is meant for me, but effing Nick heard it and said "Thats a great idea!!!" Seriously? Can you not be here? I want to begin my woo-ing of this guy but you are all up ins the way. LEAVE!

The drive to applebee's (where we decided to eat) was excruciating. The Beard and I are texting back and forth about the best way to ditch Lord Third Wheel of Annoying-ton. We can't come up with anything better than being honest and I don't want to hurt his feelings. I mean it was my first phone call that initiated this evening. If I had only logged onto that desperate guy site first, we'd all be ok.

At applebee's all I want to do is scream. Nick starts in on this philosophical debate about some bull shit which I can see is pissing off The Beard. He really has no clue what he's talking about or what he is saying and its probably the worst thing ever in the world times five thousand. And this is the statement I use to diffuse that sitch. "So isn't Glee awesome?" Legit. That is Legit what I said. Non-sequitur. And it saved the evening. I harnessed the power of the Glee and it made life better for everyone. Awkward topic left behind just like all us heathens and Fox News pundits after the rapture.

I wanted to slyly ask The Beard back to my place but there was absolutely no time to do it. The 3 of us left and while I wanted to strangle Nick, it made for a very interesting and memorable first date.

Gained Points for: Sticking with it. He was a champ

Lost points for: Not being more subtle with the food invite, which upon reflection probably wasn't about food anyway. Oh and the beard. I really wasn't the biggest fan.

Mistakes I Made: Not being clearer with Nick

Chances for Another Date: Pretty good. I think sans the tag-along we'd be good.

Overall Grade: C+