Sometimes size matters... for real.
Names have been changed to protect the disappointed
Name of Date: The Jolly Gay Giant
Date #: 2
Age: 20
Looks Like: a six foot five teddy bear
Occupation: Theatre Major at a local college
Where We Met: I did a search on facebook for "men interested in: men" and under music "Regina Spektor" This was a quick way to find the awesome gays. The JGG was one of the guys the search returned. A facebook message later, and we're meeting for coffee.
What Happened: My first date with the JGG was pretty uneventful so I am skipping right over it. All you need to know was that he just got out of a LTR and told me he wasn't looking for sex. I totes respect that.
So after rushing through a dinner out with my extended family...
"where are you going so soon?"
"out with a friend"
"ahhhh he's gonna go meet a girl."
"sure, aunt lisa, sure."
my extended family was in deep denial for a loooooooooong time.
anyway. we met up to go see a production of a play at a local college. this was not the college he attends, but rather a rival department. I felt bad for the guy b/c the college we went to for the show has one of the best theatre programs in the region. his college, not so much. His college's department contributes to why most people hate theatre. I actually saw a show there once by one of my fav playwrights.... I felt like calling him up afterwards and apologizing for the onstage abortion of his baby that I just witnessed.
so we go see this abstract futuristic show. its supposed to be this absurdist comedy directed by a grad student. i pretty much hated it. and then didn't feel so bad about hating his college so much. we agreed that it wasn't our thing and went back to his place to "watch a movie."
now y'all know i've written about the "watch a movie" before. it's not so subtle code for "hey come to my place so we can get naked and rub on each other." it just sounds more classy to to say "watch a movie." however, because of the statements he made on our first date, i thought i'd be safe. we would actually just go watch a movie.
we go back to his dorm room and i'm automatically returned to the world of fumbling around on a twin sized bed, desperately hoping my roommate stays away. ahhhh sophomore year.
he puts on pirates of the carribean or some other crap like that and we lay down to watch it.
it doesn't take long to get into a tickle fight. which is so cute. i love tickle fights, even though i'm exceptionally ticklish and become even weaker than i normally am when tickled. rememeber this kid is BIG and could easily knock me out. but he takes special care not to suffocate me. and i appreciate that. its always nice when dates take the time to not kill you.
the tickle fight turns into kissing. the kissing turns into making out. the making out turns into heavy petting. this guy is handsome and young and horny and i'm pretty sure the whole "i don't want to have sex" thing has been thrown out the window. since i'm also handsome and young and horny this revelation makes me happy.
he begins to undo my belt, unzip my pants and take out my... um... you know... my [enter clever phallic and gay euphemism here]. my shirt isn't even off yet. he has it in his hand. looks at it. examines it. says "oh... we should stop."
i giggle. think he's joking and try to undo his belt.
"no really. you should go."
um WHAT?!?
apparently the sight of my penis repulsed him so much that he lost all libido and kicked me out. this is the conclusion i've chosen to draw from these events. not to toot my own horn... but my man business is A-OK. Nothing wrong or disappointing there. I have never gotten anything but compliments. Some guys can't get enough of it. But I suppose when you're the JGG you're probably used to mammoth sized organs.
Gained Points for: being a good tickler. most guys aren't. faking laughter during a painful tickle session is almost as bad as faking an orgasm.
Lost Points for: NEGATIVELY JUDGING MY BOY PARTS!
Mistakes I made: assuming it was all about me and little me. he probably freaked out over getting physical and just wanted to stop it. that is clearly the rational explanation. but still... wait it out for another five minutes so that i don't jump to that inevitable conclusion.
Chances For Another Date: Slim. I don't think my buddy could take any more humiliation.
Overall Score: D-
Friday, May 29, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
A Thin Line Between Trashy and Classy
Sometimes creepers are decent people
Names have been changed to protect the semi-obsessed.
Name of Date: Slim Fast
Date #:1
Age: 23
Looks Like: The After of the "Before and After" picture.
Occupation: Managerial Position at a Theme Park
Where we met: At a gay club. We made out in the corner while people watched. (That's sexy, don't even pretend it isn't) Then he actually asked for my number.
What Happened: He drove and picked me up at my place. Which, doesn't sound that classy, but it is. You ladies (and gents) out there know that actually getting picked up for a date makes you feel special. It lets you know you mean more than gas money.
He was wearing a black t-shirt with an Ed Hardy-eqsue design on it and I almost didn't get in the car. Ed Hardy? Really!? There is no faster way to scream "I'm an effing douche-bag" than by wearing Ed Hardy. Plus he had paired it with an undershrit that was peeking out of the collar. Awkward. Wear a wifebeater. Or a V-Neck. Seriously. This is my plea to all young men; keep your undershirts hidden. Thank you. It is my theory though that his undershirt was trying to escape the Ed Hardy prison... therefore, I forgave it.
He took me to a chic restaraunt downtown and ordered a pitcher of sangria. Check plus. I love sangria and it was a nice touch. We talked about our lives and he quickly confessed that he'd been thinking about me for the past two years but didn't know if we'd ever meet. My stalker alarm went off. The past two years!?!? Thats crazy talks if I've ever heard it. I began to worry he had a shrine to me back his place made out of my used gum. Then I pictured Helga's used gum shrine to Arnold on "Hey Arnold!" and I laughed.
He told me we had a class together my freshmen year. I didn't recognize him. Well that was because he'd lost ALMOST 100 POUNDS SINCE THEN! Way to go, sir. Thats phenomenal. Thats the kind of dedication I like. Someone who hates themselves so much, they'd do anything to change it. I immediately liked him.
We ended dinner, took a walk by the river holding hands (I KNOW!) and then back to my place for awkward makeouts while the roommate was in the next room. Hey, just because he was classy, didn't mean that I had to be.
Gained Points for: Letting me wear his sunglasses when it was too bright and not expecting sex.
Lost Points for: Owning and wearing an Ed Hardy T-Shirt, which he confessed he bought SPECIFICALLY for our date. Bad move, sir.
Mistakes I Made: Hogging the Sangria. I was pretty much broadcasting the fact that I like to drink. Let me reiterate; Classy doesn't neccesarily beget Classy.
Chances for Another Date: If my boozing, and judgemental glances at his clothing didn't screw me over, probably good.
Overall Score: B
Names have been changed to protect the semi-obsessed.
Name of Date: Slim Fast
Date #:1
Age: 23
Looks Like: The After of the "Before and After" picture.
Occupation: Managerial Position at a Theme Park
Where we met: At a gay club. We made out in the corner while people watched. (That's sexy, don't even pretend it isn't) Then he actually asked for my number.
What Happened: He drove and picked me up at my place. Which, doesn't sound that classy, but it is. You ladies (and gents) out there know that actually getting picked up for a date makes you feel special. It lets you know you mean more than gas money.
He was wearing a black t-shirt with an Ed Hardy-eqsue design on it and I almost didn't get in the car. Ed Hardy? Really!? There is no faster way to scream "I'm an effing douche-bag" than by wearing Ed Hardy. Plus he had paired it with an undershrit that was peeking out of the collar. Awkward. Wear a wifebeater. Or a V-Neck. Seriously. This is my plea to all young men; keep your undershirts hidden. Thank you. It is my theory though that his undershirt was trying to escape the Ed Hardy prison... therefore, I forgave it.
He took me to a chic restaraunt downtown and ordered a pitcher of sangria. Check plus. I love sangria and it was a nice touch. We talked about our lives and he quickly confessed that he'd been thinking about me for the past two years but didn't know if we'd ever meet. My stalker alarm went off. The past two years!?!? Thats crazy talks if I've ever heard it. I began to worry he had a shrine to me back his place made out of my used gum. Then I pictured Helga's used gum shrine to Arnold on "Hey Arnold!" and I laughed.
He told me we had a class together my freshmen year. I didn't recognize him. Well that was because he'd lost ALMOST 100 POUNDS SINCE THEN! Way to go, sir. Thats phenomenal. Thats the kind of dedication I like. Someone who hates themselves so much, they'd do anything to change it. I immediately liked him.
We ended dinner, took a walk by the river holding hands (I KNOW!) and then back to my place for awkward makeouts while the roommate was in the next room. Hey, just because he was classy, didn't mean that I had to be.
Gained Points for: Letting me wear his sunglasses when it was too bright and not expecting sex.
Lost Points for: Owning and wearing an Ed Hardy T-Shirt, which he confessed he bought SPECIFICALLY for our date. Bad move, sir.
Mistakes I Made: Hogging the Sangria. I was pretty much broadcasting the fact that I like to drink. Let me reiterate; Classy doesn't neccesarily beget Classy.
Chances for Another Date: If my boozing, and judgemental glances at his clothing didn't screw me over, probably good.
Overall Score: B
Friday, May 22, 2009
Times Square "Fairy" Tale
Sometimes my life resembles the plot of romantic comedies where gorgeous celebrities fall in love with equally gorgeous regular people.
Names have been changed to protect the quasi-famous.
Name of Date: Sexy McSing to Me
Date #:1
Age: 22
Looks Like: the boy next door mixed with "don't ever stop touching me"
Occupation: A Tony-Nomniated Broadway Performer
Where We Met: Through a friend of a friend of a friend...
What Happened: After getting his info through the six degrees of gay separation, I finally worked up the nerve to contact him. I'd been dying to see the show he was starring in, so I planned a trip to NYC and told him I'd be at the show that day. He writes back and says that he'll put me on the list and I should come up to his dressing room after the show. Sigh. I walked around bragging about it for the next week.
So I got in my car and made the trek. I had carefully planned the sexiest/warmest/least pit stain showing outfit I could. It was a challenge. I sweat, A LOT. Just fyi.
I make it to NYC, get the ticket and then obsess for a little while over what might happen in the next couple of hours. I have wanted to meet him for ages, and now we're actually going to hang out?! Its like if I was a 12 year old girl (or confused boy) and Zac Efron told me he wanted to kiss me.
ON THE LIPS!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! OmG ZsC EFrON Is GOiNg TOo B MY bF & WeRE GoNNa MakE HSM bABIEz. EFf U, VaNsSsA hUdGENzXZz!
So I see the show, and its amazing. He is stunning and brilliant. Of course. I walk to the stage door after and after 5 minutes of deciding how to do this, I timidly tell the bouncer/bodyguard/bored-looking guy that I'm supposed to meet Sexy McSing to Me. I should be on the list. He checks. I am. He tells me "up the stair, 2nd floor, to the right."
My knees are shaking as I climb the stairs. I'm sweating profusely. There is no way I'll make it there looking like a normal person. My hair is messed up. I'm grinning like an idiot. "Play it cool" is not an option.
I see his dressing room and knock. "Come in." I walk in and there he is in all his "do me now" glory; writing in a journal. His face lights up and he says "hey!!!" we exchange the normal pleasantries and I tell him how incredible I think he is. We sit in his dressing room for a while and just chat. I cannot believe this is happening. I suddenly realize how ridiculous I must look and apologize for my dishevled appearance. He says "no. you look cute. don't worry about it."
I could have died. Sexy McSing to Me just told me I looked cute. I looked cute despite the pit stains, and bad hair and... oh no... the beard. for some stupid reason i haven't shaved in a while because i think growing a beard is a good idea. I'm meeting him while i have a beard? I officially have no friends. No REAL friends who have let me go meet him with a grizzly man beard. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?
He doesn't seem to care (which is adorable) and takes me on a tour of the theatre. Introduces me to everyone as his "friend." Its amazing and ends too soon. He has another show that evening so he has to go eat and warm up. But not before giving me a private concert on stage as he sings one of the songs from the show. I'm beaming. He is wonderful. We leave through the stage door and he gives me a big hug in front of all the screaming fans. I felt famous and gorgeous and glamorous. I went home planning a broadway-themed wedding; absolutely certain we'll end up together.
Gained Points For: Being a Tony Nominee!!! Seriously, thats hot. He was also attentive, sweet, and completely focused on me.
Lost Points For: Only having an hour to spend with me. I wanted so many more. Many many many more. In bed... I mean....
Mistakes I Made: NOT SHAVING MY EFFING BEARD! Poor choice, Tim, poor choice.
Chances For Another Date: I will pray to every diety (except the Indian ones, cause I can't pronounce there names, for reals, get a nickname) that there will be many many more.
Overall Score: A
Names have been changed to protect the quasi-famous.
Name of Date: Sexy McSing to Me
Date #:1
Age: 22
Looks Like: the boy next door mixed with "don't ever stop touching me"
Occupation: A Tony-Nomniated Broadway Performer
Where We Met: Through a friend of a friend of a friend...
What Happened: After getting his info through the six degrees of gay separation, I finally worked up the nerve to contact him. I'd been dying to see the show he was starring in, so I planned a trip to NYC and told him I'd be at the show that day. He writes back and says that he'll put me on the list and I should come up to his dressing room after the show. Sigh. I walked around bragging about it for the next week.
So I got in my car and made the trek. I had carefully planned the sexiest/warmest/least pit stain showing outfit I could. It was a challenge. I sweat, A LOT. Just fyi.
I make it to NYC, get the ticket and then obsess for a little while over what might happen in the next couple of hours. I have wanted to meet him for ages, and now we're actually going to hang out?! Its like if I was a 12 year old girl (or confused boy) and Zac Efron told me he wanted to kiss me.
ON THE LIPS!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! OmG ZsC EFrON Is GOiNg TOo B MY bF & WeRE GoNNa MakE HSM bABIEz. EFf U, VaNsSsA hUdGENzXZz!
So I see the show, and its amazing. He is stunning and brilliant. Of course. I walk to the stage door after and after 5 minutes of deciding how to do this, I timidly tell the bouncer/bodyguard/bored-looking guy that I'm supposed to meet Sexy McSing to Me. I should be on the list. He checks. I am. He tells me "up the stair, 2nd floor, to the right."
My knees are shaking as I climb the stairs. I'm sweating profusely. There is no way I'll make it there looking like a normal person. My hair is messed up. I'm grinning like an idiot. "Play it cool" is not an option.
I see his dressing room and knock. "Come in." I walk in and there he is in all his "do me now" glory; writing in a journal. His face lights up and he says "hey!!!" we exchange the normal pleasantries and I tell him how incredible I think he is. We sit in his dressing room for a while and just chat. I cannot believe this is happening. I suddenly realize how ridiculous I must look and apologize for my dishevled appearance. He says "no. you look cute. don't worry about it."
I could have died. Sexy McSing to Me just told me I looked cute. I looked cute despite the pit stains, and bad hair and... oh no... the beard. for some stupid reason i haven't shaved in a while because i think growing a beard is a good idea. I'm meeting him while i have a beard? I officially have no friends. No REAL friends who have let me go meet him with a grizzly man beard. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?
He doesn't seem to care (which is adorable) and takes me on a tour of the theatre. Introduces me to everyone as his "friend." Its amazing and ends too soon. He has another show that evening so he has to go eat and warm up. But not before giving me a private concert on stage as he sings one of the songs from the show. I'm beaming. He is wonderful. We leave through the stage door and he gives me a big hug in front of all the screaming fans. I felt famous and gorgeous and glamorous. I went home planning a broadway-themed wedding; absolutely certain we'll end up together.
Gained Points For: Being a Tony Nominee!!! Seriously, thats hot. He was also attentive, sweet, and completely focused on me.
Lost Points For: Only having an hour to spend with me. I wanted so many more. Many many many more. In bed... I mean....
Mistakes I Made: NOT SHAVING MY EFFING BEARD! Poor choice, Tim, poor choice.
Chances For Another Date: I will pray to every diety (except the Indian ones, cause I can't pronounce there names, for reals, get a nickname) that there will be many many more.
Overall Score: A
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
You Might Be a Gay Redneck If...
Sometimes a picture is decieving.
Names have been changed to protect the lame.
Name of Date: Redneck Mike
Date #: 1
Age: 26
Looks Like: He was making a funny face... and it froze that way.
Occupation: Verizon Sales Associate
Where We Met: The den of all that is unpure; myspace.
What Happened: I found this guy on myspace and thought his profile was designed so well, that he had to be cool. Probably really into visual art. The kind of stuff when you walk into a Museum you scoff and whisper "well, i coulda done that." when really... you know you couldn't. just admit it.
there.
now you feel better.
Anyway we agreed to meet for coffee at a Barnes and Noble equidistant from where we both respectively lived. I arrive early and order my white mocha latte and sit and wait for him. His picture on myspace was pretty cute, so I had high hopes. Then someone walked in who looked like his older brother that just fell into the ugly puddle... and drowned.
Yes. Yes. I'm shallow. But you are too. Don't even pretend you aren't.
I take in a breath and brace myself for the meeting. He walks up and out comes the most heinous gay southern accent you can imagine. Its shrill and grating. Like Richard Simmons and Foghorn Leghorn had a baby. A sad gay ugly baby.
Strike 2.
He quickly comments on how rude it was for me to already order coffee before he got there. I didn't realize there was a gentelmanly code of conduct for meeting the punchlines of Jeff Foxworthy jokes. While he is ordering his coffee I grab my phone and seriously consider faking an emergency to leave. But I am there. He showed up. Even hicks need attention. I'll give him an hour and then I'll go.
When he returns, we talk casually about ourselves. All the while he's got this weird neck thing going on. Its like his head juts out a foot in front of his body and bobs back and forth. It is incredibly distracting and makes him look like an anorexic quasimodo. Plus there is a lazy eye. Need I say more than "ewwww."
It would be bad enough if this guy's only problem was just being unfortunate looking. I can forgive that. We can't control our looks, especially after a tragic accident with an aforementioned puddle of "uggo,"
But as is the case in all dates, there is always something lurking beneath the surface.
Redneck Mike confessed that, for a time, he had been a professional dancer and was considering a return to it. Really? A dancer? Like ballroom?
No. Clogging.
Hold the eff up. Did you just say clogging? How did i not know that was a possible career choice? I wonder if little hick children sit in one room school houses to take career placement tests that say things like:
would you rather slaughter:
a. a chicken
b. a pig
c. a cow
d. your family in a gruesome murder because the devil told you to.
and possible career options like:
"waste technician"
"dollar general cashier"
"professional clogger"
The guy was a professional clogger. He had outfits. Showed me pictures on his phone. He even stood up and did a little dance. Oh dear God I need to go home. I am not out with someone who's life soundtrack is played on a fiddle?!? But I was.
We finished coffee. Left Barnes and Noble and drove to our separate homes. Me listening to Regina Spektor. Him, The Blue Collar Comedy Tour. I'm assuming.
Gained Points for: Being out. I'm assuming someone from that background probably had a lot to overcome to feel comfortable as who he was. And keeping it short.
Lost Points for: Lecturing me about the coffee. Leave your disapproval of my manners til date 5. at least.
Mistakes I Made: Laughing when he told me about clogging. Oops. You were serious.
Chances For Another Date: Without plastic surgery... slim.
Overall Score: C-
Names have been changed to protect the lame.
Name of Date: Redneck Mike
Date #: 1
Age: 26
Looks Like: He was making a funny face... and it froze that way.
Occupation: Verizon Sales Associate
Where We Met: The den of all that is unpure; myspace.
What Happened: I found this guy on myspace and thought his profile was designed so well, that he had to be cool. Probably really into visual art. The kind of stuff when you walk into a Museum you scoff and whisper "well, i coulda done that." when really... you know you couldn't. just admit it.
there.
now you feel better.
Anyway we agreed to meet for coffee at a Barnes and Noble equidistant from where we both respectively lived. I arrive early and order my white mocha latte and sit and wait for him. His picture on myspace was pretty cute, so I had high hopes. Then someone walked in who looked like his older brother that just fell into the ugly puddle... and drowned.
Yes. Yes. I'm shallow. But you are too. Don't even pretend you aren't.
I take in a breath and brace myself for the meeting. He walks up and out comes the most heinous gay southern accent you can imagine. Its shrill and grating. Like Richard Simmons and Foghorn Leghorn had a baby. A sad gay ugly baby.
Strike 2.
He quickly comments on how rude it was for me to already order coffee before he got there. I didn't realize there was a gentelmanly code of conduct for meeting the punchlines of Jeff Foxworthy jokes. While he is ordering his coffee I grab my phone and seriously consider faking an emergency to leave. But I am there. He showed up. Even hicks need attention. I'll give him an hour and then I'll go.
When he returns, we talk casually about ourselves. All the while he's got this weird neck thing going on. Its like his head juts out a foot in front of his body and bobs back and forth. It is incredibly distracting and makes him look like an anorexic quasimodo. Plus there is a lazy eye. Need I say more than "ewwww."
It would be bad enough if this guy's only problem was just being unfortunate looking. I can forgive that. We can't control our looks, especially after a tragic accident with an aforementioned puddle of "uggo,"
But as is the case in all dates, there is always something lurking beneath the surface.
Redneck Mike confessed that, for a time, he had been a professional dancer and was considering a return to it. Really? A dancer? Like ballroom?
No. Clogging.
Hold the eff up. Did you just say clogging? How did i not know that was a possible career choice? I wonder if little hick children sit in one room school houses to take career placement tests that say things like:
would you rather slaughter:
a. a chicken
b. a pig
c. a cow
d. your family in a gruesome murder because the devil told you to.
and possible career options like:
"waste technician"
"dollar general cashier"
"professional clogger"
The guy was a professional clogger. He had outfits. Showed me pictures on his phone. He even stood up and did a little dance. Oh dear God I need to go home. I am not out with someone who's life soundtrack is played on a fiddle?!? But I was.
We finished coffee. Left Barnes and Noble and drove to our separate homes. Me listening to Regina Spektor. Him, The Blue Collar Comedy Tour. I'm assuming.
Gained Points for: Being out. I'm assuming someone from that background probably had a lot to overcome to feel comfortable as who he was. And keeping it short.
Lost Points for: Lecturing me about the coffee. Leave your disapproval of my manners til date 5. at least.
Mistakes I Made: Laughing when he told me about clogging. Oops. You were serious.
Chances For Another Date: Without plastic surgery... slim.
Overall Score: C-
Monday, May 18, 2009
Night of the Living WTF!?
It's time for my first real dating post. I'm excited! Aren't you?!
Names and specifics have be changed to protect the potentially humiliated.
Name of Date: Princeton
Date #: 1
Age: 26
Looks Like: a sexy hobbit
Occupation: wannabe laywer
Where We Met: he messaged me on myspace. don't judge me!
What Happened: After about a month or two of messaging back on myspace (It was all very clean. no dirty-dirty) he drove 30 minutes to come support me at an event I was working. I didn't know he was coming, It was a shock to me. I noticed him immediately because of his pictures and thought he looked even sexier in person. Even though I couldn't talk to him right away, we began a rather virgorous round of eye sex. hardcore unprotected eye sex.
Afterwards we spoke and he was a really interesting guy. I invited him to the after party. We show up arm in arm and mingle around the party. He's phenomenal. He is charming everyone and I get lots of sly winks and thumbs up. Yesssssss. He invites me back to his place to "watch a movie."
Ha. "watch a movie?" please, child. This isn't freshmen year of college where you need to put on "Boondock Saints" so we can awkwardly make out.
I follow him back to his place (which is gorgeous) and he opens a bottle of wine and puts on "The Departed." He doesn't touch me at ALL during the movie. Just lays his head within inches of my lap. I'm going crazy thinking I'm missing something. The movie ends and I dejectedly prepare to leave. He stops me and asks if I want to spend the night.
Bingo.
Now gentleman, I'm not usually your "sex on the first date" kind of guy. I am much more classy than that. But when you're horny, you're horny and you don't just pass up a night with a handsome (almost) lawyer now do you?
We go to his room, undress and get in bed. For three awesome minutes we make out. He promptly says "ok. i'm tired. goodnight." rolls over. and effing falls asleep. uh....... seriously? I was going to compromise my morals for you and you leave me hanging with a boner? Not cool, dude. Not. Cool.
Now here is where the night takes a drastic turn for the worse. "How could it get worse" you say? Just. Listen. Around 3-4am he jolts awake and screams at me "WHO ARE YOU?! WHO ARE YOU?!?" I am freaked out beyond belief and stammer
"...Timmy... we met earlier... I..."
"GIMME MY GLASSES"
"ok" as i reach for his glasses on the nightstand and hand them to him.
he whisphers "do you see that guy?"
"what?"
"that guy in the corner?"
there is no one in the corner. i have no idea what to say. i pause. consider bolting from the room and this crazy psycho, but turn back to him and say:
"there is no one there."
his response:
"oh. i'm creepy. sorry. night-night."
he falls back down on the pillow and is out like a light.
WHAT?! WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED. I should have left. Some crazy-ass dude almost killed me (yes. thats what i thought) why am I still there? For some stupid reason, I stay. In the morning he acts like nothing happened. Kisses me and makes me breakfast. I'm stunned. I ask
"what the hell was that about last night?"
he doesn't remember. i tell him what happened. he says
"ohhhhh. i should have told you. i have night terrors."
you should have told me? no. its ok. its not like i'm sleeping in the same bed with you or i could have been in physical danger. no its not like that at all. plus i enjoy being scared out of mind after being denied sex. its like my most favorite thing ever.
We eat in silence and as I leave he heads to the gym. as i'm pulling away he calls and says "hmmm some road head would be nice right now."
Gained points for: Being hot and charming. Calling me on the way to his place and saying (very romantically) "look at the fireworks."
Lost points for: being a fucking crazy psychopath. and giving me blue balls.
Mistakes I Made: spending the night with a stranger. who do I think I am, the first victim in a slasher movie?! also calling to suggest sex AFTER i leave.
Chances For Another Date: sigh. ok. probably pretty good. Yeah he's crazy, but he's hot and short. and i like that. Plus his place is gorgeous and he's gonna be a lawyer. I like nice things. If he calls, I would definitely go out with him again.
Overall Score: B-
Names and specifics have be changed to protect the potentially humiliated.
Name of Date: Princeton
Date #: 1
Age: 26
Looks Like: a sexy hobbit
Occupation: wannabe laywer
Where We Met: he messaged me on myspace. don't judge me!
What Happened: After about a month or two of messaging back on myspace (It was all very clean. no dirty-dirty) he drove 30 minutes to come support me at an event I was working. I didn't know he was coming, It was a shock to me. I noticed him immediately because of his pictures and thought he looked even sexier in person. Even though I couldn't talk to him right away, we began a rather virgorous round of eye sex. hardcore unprotected eye sex.
Afterwards we spoke and he was a really interesting guy. I invited him to the after party. We show up arm in arm and mingle around the party. He's phenomenal. He is charming everyone and I get lots of sly winks and thumbs up. Yesssssss. He invites me back to his place to "watch a movie."
Ha. "watch a movie?" please, child. This isn't freshmen year of college where you need to put on "Boondock Saints" so we can awkwardly make out.
I follow him back to his place (which is gorgeous) and he opens a bottle of wine and puts on "The Departed." He doesn't touch me at ALL during the movie. Just lays his head within inches of my lap. I'm going crazy thinking I'm missing something. The movie ends and I dejectedly prepare to leave. He stops me and asks if I want to spend the night.
Bingo.
Now gentleman, I'm not usually your "sex on the first date" kind of guy. I am much more classy than that. But when you're horny, you're horny and you don't just pass up a night with a handsome (almost) lawyer now do you?
We go to his room, undress and get in bed. For three awesome minutes we make out. He promptly says "ok. i'm tired. goodnight." rolls over. and effing falls asleep. uh....... seriously? I was going to compromise my morals for you and you leave me hanging with a boner? Not cool, dude. Not. Cool.
Now here is where the night takes a drastic turn for the worse. "How could it get worse" you say? Just. Listen. Around 3-4am he jolts awake and screams at me "WHO ARE YOU?! WHO ARE YOU?!?" I am freaked out beyond belief and stammer
"...Timmy... we met earlier... I..."
"GIMME MY GLASSES"
"ok" as i reach for his glasses on the nightstand and hand them to him.
he whisphers "do you see that guy?"
"what?"
"that guy in the corner?"
there is no one in the corner. i have no idea what to say. i pause. consider bolting from the room and this crazy psycho, but turn back to him and say:
"there is no one there."
his response:
"oh. i'm creepy. sorry. night-night."
he falls back down on the pillow and is out like a light.
WHAT?! WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED. I should have left. Some crazy-ass dude almost killed me (yes. thats what i thought) why am I still there? For some stupid reason, I stay. In the morning he acts like nothing happened. Kisses me and makes me breakfast. I'm stunned. I ask
"what the hell was that about last night?"
he doesn't remember. i tell him what happened. he says
"ohhhhh. i should have told you. i have night terrors."
you should have told me? no. its ok. its not like i'm sleeping in the same bed with you or i could have been in physical danger. no its not like that at all. plus i enjoy being scared out of mind after being denied sex. its like my most favorite thing ever.
We eat in silence and as I leave he heads to the gym. as i'm pulling away he calls and says "hmmm some road head would be nice right now."
Gained points for: Being hot and charming. Calling me on the way to his place and saying (very romantically) "look at the fireworks."
Lost points for: being a fucking crazy psychopath. and giving me blue balls.
Mistakes I Made: spending the night with a stranger. who do I think I am, the first victim in a slasher movie?! also calling to suggest sex AFTER i leave.
Chances For Another Date: sigh. ok. probably pretty good. Yeah he's crazy, but he's hot and short. and i like that. Plus his place is gorgeous and he's gonna be a lawyer. I like nice things. If he calls, I would definitely go out with him again.
Overall Score: B-
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Overture
Hello. And welcome to my new blog. Apparently I'm witty or something like that so my friends have encouraged me to write down my dating experiences to share with the world.
This blog is going to be an examination of the crazies I meet and the ridiculous things I do to secure a partner.
Things to know:
I'm gay. I'm handsome. I'm a catch.
I think that about covers it.
Each post will be about a different date I've had and will follow this example format:
Name of Date: Jack D.
Age: 20 something-ish.
Looks Like: A stowaway
Where We Met: I was totes about to kill myself by jumping overboard when he "saved" me. I felt guilty cause he was clearly homeless so I agreed to meet up with him.
What Happened: We went on a walk around the boat deck and he was all about showing me this porn that he carried around. I tried to encourage him in his "art" cause clearly no one else would. He talked about his life, I talked about mine... yawn. Then he taught me to spit. No. seriously. It was absolutely disgusting. I was just about to peace out when my mom walked up. I could tell she hated him. Score. My mom is kind of a bitch so anything that pisses her off is immediately my new fav thing. I was all "oh heeeeeey mom. this is my friend jack. can he come have dinner with us?" Screw you, mommie dearest.
Gained points for: Having really good hair.
Lost points for: being poor.
Mistakes I made: talking about my finace. real classy there, sir.
Chances for another date: well since I invited him to dinner to tick of mom, pretty good. I really don't want to see him again though.
Overall Score: C-
See? Pretty simple. And I'm funny because clearly I took characters from like the best movie in the universe to use as an example. You were all. "oh. OH! hahahaha i get it. thats a funny twist. i like this guy."
right in the palm of my hand.
So enjoy my misadventures trying to find a husband.
Tim.
This blog is going to be an examination of the crazies I meet and the ridiculous things I do to secure a partner.
Things to know:
I'm gay. I'm handsome. I'm a catch.
I think that about covers it.
Each post will be about a different date I've had and will follow this example format:
Name of Date: Jack D.
Age: 20 something-ish.
Looks Like: A stowaway
Where We Met: I was totes about to kill myself by jumping overboard when he "saved" me. I felt guilty cause he was clearly homeless so I agreed to meet up with him.
What Happened: We went on a walk around the boat deck and he was all about showing me this porn that he carried around. I tried to encourage him in his "art" cause clearly no one else would. He talked about his life, I talked about mine... yawn. Then he taught me to spit. No. seriously. It was absolutely disgusting. I was just about to peace out when my mom walked up. I could tell she hated him. Score. My mom is kind of a bitch so anything that pisses her off is immediately my new fav thing. I was all "oh heeeeeey mom. this is my friend jack. can he come have dinner with us?" Screw you, mommie dearest.
Gained points for: Having really good hair.
Lost points for: being poor.
Mistakes I made: talking about my finace. real classy there, sir.
Chances for another date: well since I invited him to dinner to tick of mom, pretty good. I really don't want to see him again though.
Overall Score: C-
See? Pretty simple. And I'm funny because clearly I took characters from like the best movie in the universe to use as an example. You were all. "oh. OH! hahahaha i get it. thats a funny twist. i like this guy."
right in the palm of my hand.
So enjoy my misadventures trying to find a husband.
Tim.
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