Enough About Me

Sometimes people should learn when to shut up

Names have been changed to protect the tactless.

Name of Date: Rabbi Inappropriate

Date #: 1

Looks Like: David Schwimmer with a rounder face.

Age: 27

Occupation: Governmental nonsense.

Where We Met: Okcupid.com

What Happened: Ok so for some reason I get it in my head that dating Jewish guys is like a really good thing? I don't know why. (See "The Chosen People Shuffle") Maybe because of all the stereotypes I see on TV about them wanting to settle down and having lots of money? I am good with both of those things and would like both of those things to be attributed to my partner. Thus for the remainder of this post, I'm just gonna throw a lot of jew-ey stereotypes in. you know. for fun. SHOFAR!

Rabbi Inappropriate and I met online and he seemed like a very decent, upstanding, and focused dude. I was impressed by his job, living situation and ability to carry on a conversation. If a guy can meet those requirements then he has more than passed the test of gaining a first date. But let's be honest it doesn't take much to pass that test. In fact you have to actively want to fail. Or be ugly.

He made reservations ( i love that. it's so fancy and impressive. major points) at a restaurant that does deconstructed southern food. I was so excited about this place that I went online and drooled over the menu. JEWS LIKE TO EAT! THEY CALL IT GNOSHING I THINK. YIDDISH!

We met up at the place and I was in love. It was so cute and gorgeous and the perfect place to take a date. This guy was gaining major points and he hadn't even shown up yet. I just knew it was going to be a magical (KABBALAH!) evening.

Well he arrives and we're a bit early for our reservation so he suggests a book store across the street. I love those things cause they make me look smart, so I agree. Then I notice his jeans don't really fit. Ok. So it's like the waist is too big, so he is wearing this belt, but then the excess fabric gathers in the front to make this weird concave pouch thing in the crotchal area. You know what I'm talking about. You have to know what I'm talking about. It's unattractive. I know that buying jeans that fit is hard, but leave obvious fashion faux-pas til date 4 or 5. When they are less likely to bother me.

While in the book store he begins conversation. But it's not really normal? It's things like "So I used to live in this neighborhood, but then I was caught in crossfire so I moved." Oh.... I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry you disapprove of my neighborhood and that it scarred you. JEWISH GUILT!

He also asks very heavy questions and then just nods his heads and sighs as I try to answer them as simply as possible. I mean this is date one, it's supposed to go:

job.

siblings.

fav tv shows.

awkward coming out stories.

worst ex stories.

forced flirting.

vague plans for date 2.

it's a well worn path, but it works well in gay culture. i mean, i appreciate a guy who can create fun different casual conversation, but that was definitely not what Rabbi Inappropriate had in mind.

It seemed all he wanted to discuss were topics I definitely did not want to discuss.

When we are seated at the restaurant, I am in love with the place and decide it is my new favorite place ever in the world. I have to come back like tomorrow. It's legit the coolest place I've been taken. I begin to ease up a little and think maybe he just is really interested in me and wants to talk about deep stuff and not superficial shit. But my willingness to indulge him became my downfall. MOSES!

He started with a topic none of us like to talk about, especially when we want to appear attractive: Body Image. He asked why I was so skinny and what I was doing about it. Which then led to the second awkward topic: Eating Habits. I don't know if this bothers you as much as it bothers me, but I feel what people eat is their own business. I mean I hate self-righteous vegans as much as the next guy, but I'd never engage them in conversation about it. Why then does he think it's appropriate to go over my dietary issues? NO MEAT AND CHEESE TOGETHER! I just hate talking about it, it makes me feel self-conscious and like I'm ten and can't take care of myself.

THEN he moves on to family issues. This is veeeeeery personal territory we are treading into. I do not want to explain my very complicated relationship with my mother OR my strained relationship with my sister to essentially a stranger. My deep seated emotional issues that stem from childhood are not first date appropriate! Maybe after we've dated for a few months and I'm feeling upset about something and I open up to you as a means to getting awesome pity sex, then yes, by all means keep prodding.

But the topic that takes the cake: My dead father. He wants to know all the details. How I am dealing with it now. How it has affected my relationship with people, specifically my family. On and on and on and on. He is clueless to my monosyllabic answers. My folded arms. My no eye contact. He just keeps pressing and wants more info like a sadistic therapist. FREUD! (he was Jewish right?)

Anyway the date ends shortly after the bill comes, which he doesn't even pay for and I waste no time walking the other way and into the gay sports bar 2 blocks down the street. I think I am done dating Jewish guys for a while.

Gained Points for: Excellent restaurant choice. The mushroom loaf was phenomenal.

Lost Points for: Being nosy mcmake me feel weird.

Mistakes I Made: Not standing up for myself and directing conversation elsewhere.

Chances for Another Date: I seriously doubt it.

Overall Grade: C -

The Most Dangerous Game

Sometimes a date is a just a pretext gone wrong.

Names have been changed to protected the overly focused.

Name of Date: Sgt. Handsome-Face

Date #: 2

Title of Last Date: Redemption

Amount of Time Between Dates: A week

What Happened: Well after out last date I had to stop myself from going out to buy an engagement ring. This guy fit every single one of my requirements. He was one of those guys that you cannot wait to show off to your friends because you know they'll be impressed and you cannot wait to be "in a relationship" with on fb because you know your ex's will be insanely jealous and spend the evening eating out of ben and jerry's pints. basically i want to lock this down as quickly as humanly possible.

I invited him over for a game night, which I think is a very cute idea. I had scrabble and a deck of cards and he was going to bring cribbage and some dice to teach me bunko. I think that is the name I cannot really remember. He was very into the idea and said he'd pick up a bottle of wine on the way. I could not get over how thoughtful he was. I was tempted to put on knee-pads so that if he showed up with flowers I could just drop right there and thank him properly in my doorway.

But I didn't and he didn't, so it was fine. Proper etiquette says the beejs can wait if there are no flowers.

We begin with scrabble which is literally my favorite game ever. I get way into it and probably care too much about winning. I think it's because it makes me look smart and crafty and I can pull off the effortless air of placing down 7 tiles over a triple word score without batting an eye. Sgt. H-F was digging my mad skills and asked me to put on some music. Thank you Postal Service. Give Up is the best album for any situation, just adjust the volume and you've got everything from great ambiance to sexy makeout music.

The wine he brought was pretty terrible, but I didn't care. I had this gorgeous guy in my place playing a game I love and I am clearly impressing him with my scrabble skills. The night is going so well.

I win the game and he begins to teach me how to play bunko. Which is a dice game. I don't really get the rules but he is way into it and obviously very good at it. I become bored rather quickly and decide that we've had our cute gaming fun, it's time to pull this kid into the bedroom. I lean in to kiss him and he's very responsive. score. Our kissing becomes more passionate and I pull him away from the table and towards my bedroom. I pull off his hoodie and he pulls away and says. "Can we finish the game first?"

uh..... seriously? i only came up with game night in the first place just to get you over here. it was a means to an end, not something i actually saw us doing late into the night. i had quite another activity planned for that.

but he is my guest and for some strange reason invested. so i agree. he puts his hoodie back on and sits back at the table. it was almost like a slap in the face. re-robing. like we were both playing a larger game in which his defenses wouldn't be shattered so easily. His strategy was to keep me busy and prolong the sexing until I was begging for it. Well 2 can play at that game, sir!

Actually I cannot. I will become whiny and demand it and seem pathetic in like 20 minutes.

Which is exactly what happened. After sitting through the rules of cribbage I literally was like. Can we just go make out now? His victorious grin signaled my defeat. But I didn't really care that much because seriously we're both about to get some, so... I could lose that game every time and be fine.

It turns out to be... underwhelming. Another classic case of cannot stay hard but "it's not you, i promise." I fucking hate that bullshit. Is your mind too focused on cribbage to keep a boner for me? I mean I give a STUPENDOUS blow job, no lie, and you can't even keep it up for me? Is THIS the real prize for the loser? Mediocre hook-ups with unfulfilled desires. I am seriously beginning to doubt our compatibility. Until he rises to go to the bathroom and as he emerges and stands nude in the doorway he sighs and says "thank god we both look good naked" before pouncing on me.

faith restored. slightly.

he still doesn't seem to be excited so i decide that if i cannot have a sexual connection with him tonight, we will form an emotional one. I invite him to spend the night. (maybe by 6am your morning wood will tell a different story). He reluctantly agrees, out of guilt i think. Which makes me feel even more desperate and pathetic.

i turn off the light and we cuddle for perhaps 10 minutes before he announces. I really should go. dresses. and exits. i feel like crying. i don't even hear his car pull away for another 20 minutes after he's walked out the door. did he sit there trying to decide whether or not to come back in? or booty calling some other guy who will keep him hard? either way i felt ugly and unwanted.

the next morning he sent me an e-card saying "sorry i bailed." verbatim. that is what it said. it is funny how one moment someone can be so amazing and the next so utterly disappointing.

Gained Points for: complimenting my nude form

Lost Points for: LEAVING!

Mistkaes I Made: Expecting too much on a 2nd date.

Chances for Another Date: It is all up to him at this point.

Overall Grade: D+

Supporting Evidence or (Show Your Work)

Sometimes you get exactly what you're expecting.

Names have been changed to protect the conventional.

Name of Date: Stereotype

Date #: 1

Looks Like: an upstanding young man. with a crew cut.

Age: 30

Occupation: Hairstylist

Where We Met: Adam4Adam (ok i'm a big huge whore. just say it.)

What Happened: So after exchanging a few messages online we trade phone numbers and begin texting. I guess I should preface this by saying, for those of you who don't know, A4A is like 90% used as a hook-up site. Like. Most profile pics are of penises and asses. Not so many faces. I am a classy lady and don't post any of those, in case you care. But every once in a while, while trudging through the insanely desperate and sex obsessed homos, you find some decent dudes. Stereotype seemed to be one of them. Despite the fact he did have a nude picture posted.* (From here on out an * will indicate something stereotypical of gay men and thus his pseudonym) It is very odd to see a guy's dick before you even go out with him. It is liberating slash also very weird and not recommended for anyone you want to take seriously.

We meet up for dinner one night. Well before that I drive to his place so he can take me to dinner. I get to his place and there is a bright rainbow flag hanging from his porch.* I roll my eyes because I don't feel it's necessary to announce to my neighbors that I'm a big ol' mo. I think my cut off jorts, deep v-neck t-shirts and aviator sunglasses are doing that quite nicely. Plus could the reigning gays please come up with something uglier to announce our pride? No matter what your house looks like, it's just gonna look tacky hanging up there.

When I ring the doorbell and he answers he greets me with "heeeeeeeeey*" in a high-pitched and feminine voice.* I try not to cringe. This causes me to look down and I noticed his toe-nails are painted.* Purple.* I literally fixate on that for the next 20 minutes of the date because he has his effing toenails painted. Unless he was playing pretty pretty princess with his adorable nieces right before I arrive, there is no reason a grown man should have any sort of coating on his toenails. I don't think anything has ever caused me to deduct more points as rapidly as I did.

He suggests we go to this new pizza place for dinner. I'm down. Even though I've eaten and end up ordering only a water. But we get into his silver miata* and roll into town. And by town I mean down the road. We aren't living in a big city here, people. On the way he tells me about his salon and how much he loves being a hairstylist.* It's great that he loves his job, but there is no way I could care about someone's hair as much as he does. It's like... hair. It's dead and on your head. I mean I appreciate when it looks good, but this guy is like in love with your mom's hair. seriously.

The restaurant is fine, but the conversation is boring* (this asterisk might confuse some of you, but those of you who know stereotypical gay men, know they are inherently boring and have nothing of value to say). I kind of just want the evening to end so that I don't have to constantly wonder if the waitress is pitying me because my perceived boyfriend has purple toe-nail polish adorned on the foot he's kicking back and forth over his crossed leg.*

After dinner he suggests a bar. Wow. A surprisingly non-homosexual choice. I am almost impressed until he orders a margarita.* I will just sip my beer. At a bar. Like I am supposed to. At this point the conversation literally stops. We don't really have much to say to each other. He is boring. We don't have anything in common. And while he is cute, that is about his only attractive quality. He nurse our respective drinks until it is time to go.

On the drive back to his place he turns on his XM radio to his "favorite station." It is the techno station.* This is "the only kind of music he listens to." Right then a remix of Unwritten by what's her face comes on and I laugh because a. that song/the hills b. it is a techno remix of unwritten. seriously?! He asks why I'm laughing and I explain and he had no clue it was a real song. His knowledge of music is literally limited to techno. It is pathetic and ultimately sad.

When we get back to his place he asks if I'll help him walk his dog. I say yes, because that sounds fun slash an actually interesting thing to do and might prompt actual conversation. He goes to get his dog and it is a minuscule white ball of fluff.* Named Princess.* It is a bichon frise or something equally as annoying and we follow it as prances all over the neighborhood. I am mortified.

After the sad excuse for a dog is back in her cage, I am ready to make my exit, but he stops me and shoves his tongue in my mouth.* Apparently no chemistry doesn't matter. This date was a means to an end; random, nearly anonymous sex.* I should have left, but I need something to salvage my evening so I allow him to bring me back to his bedroom. I am affixing an asterisk to myself here.

We keep making out and clothes come off, and hooking-up commences.* He is on top of me and I feel him rooting around underneath the pillow my head is on, and in a matter of seconds he pulls out lube. Lemme just evaluate this. He planted lube on his bed, within easy access, because this probably happens pretty often for him.* After drenching me in it (Seriously I hate the stuff, it makes you feel so sleazy until you take a shower) he asks me to bareback him.* Not only does he want no strings sex, he wants it unprotected. No. I am done. Gone. Outta there. Out of my phone and out of my life.

Gained Points for: Being cute initially?

Lost points for: See the 19 asterisks above.

Mistakes I Made: Being ok with hooking up with a dude to salvage a boring evening.

Chances for another date: Not gonna happen.

Overall Grade: C-

The Chosen People Shuffle

Sometimes listening is key.

Names have been changed to protect the blockheaded.

Name of Date: Shalom

Date #: 1

Looks Like: A penguin. Short and stout. But that's a teapot isn't it?

Age: 26

Occupation: Public policy? or politics? or something that requires a suit and writing letters? I wasn't paying too much attention.

Where We Met: Connexion.org

What Happened: I had just moved to a new place and was eager to finally start dating. New city, new crop of men, new experiences. I had high hopes that only the best and brightest would be permitted into my company. I'd be discerning about who I spent my time with. I am getting long in the tooth and I can't just wast my time anymore. Seriously in gay years, after you pass 24, you might as well be 40.

I had decided my first date would be with someone older, financially stable and interesting. Who knew that this would translate into someone Jewish? I don't know why my brain hadn't connected these needs and obvious stereotypes before? Plus who is more desperate to settle down? Amiright gentiles?

We spent several evenings talking online and things were going well. He was funny, interesting and seemed serious about dating. Since I had a new outlook on trying to weed out any losers beforehand, I told him outright that planning for a date impresses me. I do not like this lame-ass "oh we'll figure it out" bull shit. NO! Put some thought into it. Make me believe you actually care enough to spend time planning something for me. Let me stress how much I made this clear.

We agree to meet one night after work. I tell him I'll get tickets to a show, if he plans dinner. IF HE PLANS DINNER. He agrees. When I show up to meet him after work his exact phrase was "I thought we could walk around and find someplace around here to eat." Oh hell to the fucking no. I straight up told you I like plans. This is essentially a slap in the face to my needs AND to you listening to what I say.

I also want to mention it's hot as balls outside. Like HOT AS SATAN'S BALLS. So wandering around aimlessly is at the bottom of my list of things I want to be doing. It is underneath wearing carpenter jeans, but above listening to my roommate talk about the kardashians. Yet this is what we do. wander. He is talking incessantly about who knows what, I'm certainly not listening. We head one way and there is a pizza place but it is too crowded. We head another and there is a sushi place, but it is too expensive. We head a third way and there is a 30 minute wait at a bistro.

We have been walking around for 40 minutes. I am drenched in sweat and thoroughly unhappy and all I hear is this dude's high pitched gay voice rambling on about his day or whatever.

We FINALLY end up at Chipotle. Which, ladies and ladies is exactly 20 paces from the place we agreed to meet. It is also chipotle. Not that I don't love chipotle, it is just the worse place for a first date. There is no way to look cute eating and it also says "you are worth an $8 burrito to me, get your own guac."

The line is forever long and when we get our food we have to cram into a bar and awkwardly brush up against people sitting very close to us. But I am inside. I have food. I am going to relax and give him a chance. He doesn't deserve it. He deserves a face full of my sweaty armpit, but I am going to be polite and listen to him now. Cut to every single disparaging remark a person can make about being a jew. Also I just said "a jew." I'm sorry.

He think's its funny to make fun of himself and his culture and the hundreds of stereotypes. But it is not funny. It is uncomfortable. If Yhwh was sitting next to me at the bar he'd have been all "dude. seriously."

When we make it to my part of the date, where I got us theatre tickets, I'm just so happy I don't have to talk to him anymore that I don't even mind that the show is entirely uninteresting. He loves it, which, god bless, but I'm less than impressed. Which is turning out to be the theme of the evening.

I haven't even touched on the fact that he is so far from my physical type! His terrible personality and disregard of my needs are more shocking than his beer belly. I am not liking someone for not shallow reasons! I really am growing up.

When the show ends all I want to do is get home and shower. He suggests a drink and I say "No, I am very tired and don't feel like walking anymore." He says "Oh ok, but we are so close to this garden I love, can I show it to you?" I reluctantly agree and follow him. Even though it is 10pm it is still effing stifling outside. I figure ooo and ahhh at the garden for 5 minutes and then I'm on my way.

After walking 4 blocks, I realize his definition of "close" is not the same as mine. I literally stop and say "how much further is this place?" He confesses that we've got another 15 minutes of walking. I say goodnight, turn around and go home. How dare he ignore my needs for the SECOND time. I'm not fucking Betty Draper!!! Homo is tired. Homo does not want to go anywhere right now! Homo is over you.

Gained Points for: Dropping his whopping $8 for my burrito bowl.

Lost Points for: Making me sweat when a bedroom is not involved.

Mistakes I Made: Trusting he would be able to follow simple directions

Chances for another date: Unless some vial of oil burns for 8 nights again, it is not happening.

Overall Grade: D