Enough About Me

Sometimes people should learn when to shut up

Names have been changed to protect the tactless.

Name of Date: Rabbi Inappropriate

Date #: 1

Looks Like: David Schwimmer with a rounder face.

Age: 27

Occupation: Governmental nonsense.

Where We Met: Okcupid.com

What Happened: Ok so for some reason I get it in my head that dating Jewish guys is like a really good thing? I don't know why. (See "The Chosen People Shuffle") Maybe because of all the stereotypes I see on TV about them wanting to settle down and having lots of money? I am good with both of those things and would like both of those things to be attributed to my partner. Thus for the remainder of this post, I'm just gonna throw a lot of jew-ey stereotypes in. you know. for fun. SHOFAR!

Rabbi Inappropriate and I met online and he seemed like a very decent, upstanding, and focused dude. I was impressed by his job, living situation and ability to carry on a conversation. If a guy can meet those requirements then he has more than passed the test of gaining a first date. But let's be honest it doesn't take much to pass that test. In fact you have to actively want to fail. Or be ugly.

He made reservations ( i love that. it's so fancy and impressive. major points) at a restaurant that does deconstructed southern food. I was so excited about this place that I went online and drooled over the menu. JEWS LIKE TO EAT! THEY CALL IT GNOSHING I THINK. YIDDISH!

We met up at the place and I was in love. It was so cute and gorgeous and the perfect place to take a date. This guy was gaining major points and he hadn't even shown up yet. I just knew it was going to be a magical (KABBALAH!) evening.

Well he arrives and we're a bit early for our reservation so he suggests a book store across the street. I love those things cause they make me look smart, so I agree. Then I notice his jeans don't really fit. Ok. So it's like the waist is too big, so he is wearing this belt, but then the excess fabric gathers in the front to make this weird concave pouch thing in the crotchal area. You know what I'm talking about. You have to know what I'm talking about. It's unattractive. I know that buying jeans that fit is hard, but leave obvious fashion faux-pas til date 4 or 5. When they are less likely to bother me.

While in the book store he begins conversation. But it's not really normal? It's things like "So I used to live in this neighborhood, but then I was caught in crossfire so I moved." Oh.... I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry you disapprove of my neighborhood and that it scarred you. JEWISH GUILT!

He also asks very heavy questions and then just nods his heads and sighs as I try to answer them as simply as possible. I mean this is date one, it's supposed to go:

job.

siblings.

fav tv shows.

awkward coming out stories.

worst ex stories.

forced flirting.

vague plans for date 2.

it's a well worn path, but it works well in gay culture. i mean, i appreciate a guy who can create fun different casual conversation, but that was definitely not what Rabbi Inappropriate had in mind.

It seemed all he wanted to discuss were topics I definitely did not want to discuss.

When we are seated at the restaurant, I am in love with the place and decide it is my new favorite place ever in the world. I have to come back like tomorrow. It's legit the coolest place I've been taken. I begin to ease up a little and think maybe he just is really interested in me and wants to talk about deep stuff and not superficial shit. But my willingness to indulge him became my downfall. MOSES!

He started with a topic none of us like to talk about, especially when we want to appear attractive: Body Image. He asked why I was so skinny and what I was doing about it. Which then led to the second awkward topic: Eating Habits. I don't know if this bothers you as much as it bothers me, but I feel what people eat is their own business. I mean I hate self-righteous vegans as much as the next guy, but I'd never engage them in conversation about it. Why then does he think it's appropriate to go over my dietary issues? NO MEAT AND CHEESE TOGETHER! I just hate talking about it, it makes me feel self-conscious and like I'm ten and can't take care of myself.

THEN he moves on to family issues. This is veeeeeery personal territory we are treading into. I do not want to explain my very complicated relationship with my mother OR my strained relationship with my sister to essentially a stranger. My deep seated emotional issues that stem from childhood are not first date appropriate! Maybe after we've dated for a few months and I'm feeling upset about something and I open up to you as a means to getting awesome pity sex, then yes, by all means keep prodding.

But the topic that takes the cake: My dead father. He wants to know all the details. How I am dealing with it now. How it has affected my relationship with people, specifically my family. On and on and on and on. He is clueless to my monosyllabic answers. My folded arms. My no eye contact. He just keeps pressing and wants more info like a sadistic therapist. FREUD! (he was Jewish right?)

Anyway the date ends shortly after the bill comes, which he doesn't even pay for and I waste no time walking the other way and into the gay sports bar 2 blocks down the street. I think I am done dating Jewish guys for a while.

Gained Points for: Excellent restaurant choice. The mushroom loaf was phenomenal.

Lost Points for: Being nosy mcmake me feel weird.

Mistakes I Made: Not standing up for myself and directing conversation elsewhere.

Chances for Another Date: I seriously doubt it.

Overall Grade: C -