Sometimes I go on dates without realizing it.
Names have been changed to protect the secure in his sexuality.
Name of Date: The Introduction
Date #: 1
Looks Like: A dancing nazi chorus boy from The Sound of Music
Age: 16 (DON'T FREAK. I WAS 18 AT THE TIME! THIS IS A NO PEDO-ZONE!)
Occupation: High School Student
Where We Met: I went to see a production of Kiss Me Kate and he was the lead. We met afterward.
What Happened: Ok so back in my "straight" days, I had this one occurence where I went on a date with a guy but didn't realize it. I mean I probably knew subconciously, but I totes denied it in my minds. Anyway we met after the show he was in, and I thought he was insanely talented. Homo has always been attracted to talent. Although at this point I would never have classified it as attraction. I was just drawn to him.
So we exchanged e-mail addresses (this was before facebook, y'alls) and aim sn. (this was also before everyone had a cellphone, for reals, dark ages) We would chat casually online, although I never encouraged anything because I had been informed that he was gay. He was actually probably the first out person I had ever met. I lived a very sheltered life where the concept of homosexual was painted like a diseased hoodlum who would rape you before saying hello. (Although with some hot messes, this be the case). Also I had a girlfriend.
So we chatted. And decided to "hang out" one night. We'd meet for dinner. O'Charley's. My Fav. Don't even pretend you don't love those rolls. If I'mma make myself fat from devil carbs, Its gonna be with O'Charley's rolls.
So I show up and Its been about 2 weeks since I've seen the show. I don't honestly remember what he looks like. (Remember pre-facebook). So I am sitting there in the waiting area. And there is another guy there who could have been him, but I'm not sure. I suddenly have a panic attack. Is this him? What do I say? Am I a jerk for not recognizing him? What If I say "Hey" and its not and the guy thinks I'm gay?!?! AHHHH NOT DATING BOYS IS HAAAARRRD.
So we honestly both sit there for 5 minutes before he gets up and says "Tim?" And I say, yes. Apparently neither of us could remember what the other looked like. That doesn't make it better, but it made it less awkward. Also I didn't feel pretty. And I hate that feeling.
We had a nice dinner and chat. Nothing eventful there. I had assumed I'd pay my check and then go home. But something weird came over me. I grabbed for the check and not only paid for my meal, but his as well. I don't know why. It was instict. Something deep down and inherent told me I should. My head brain was confused.
Then instead of getting in my car and driving home, he suggested we get in HIS car and drive around. And I agreed. It was like my future self took over and my body was on auto pilot. It knew to continue without me having to think. Welcome to Homo-Land! Admission: Me. We drove around listening to showtunes. WE DROVE AROUND LISTENING TO SHOWTUNES. If gay had been a snake it would have bitten me. Then blown me.
He took me back to my car and presented me with a mix cd he had made for me. He made me a present. It was at this moment and only this moment that I realized... he liked me. My brain freaked out. It was like Anna Nicole Smith trying to leave a party. "Oh I just.. thank you.. its... i need to... pretty... woooo.... my car... leave... come here...get outta my hairspace! " fall on my face and pass out. Well not that part. But almost. It was too much too soon. I had to shut it down lest he think I was gay and felt the same way. OH THE HORROR! I made a hasty exit and spent the next few weeks obsessing over what happened.
Gained Points for: Being my shipra, unknowingly
Lost Points for: The Mix CD. Moving way tooooo fast. If you'da slowed down I might have come out MUCH earlier.
Mistakes I Made: Not realizing that a gay boy who wanted to go to dinner with me would assume this would be a date.
Chances for Another Date: I was waaaay too nervous.
Overall Grade: B
Friday, November 27, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
Date of Fate
Sometimes you go into the store looking for one thing, and come out with something completely different.
Names have been changed to protect the drunk gay youth.
Name of Date: 1-800-JUST-18
Date #: 1
Looks Like: An All-American Twink.
Age: JUST 18
Occupation: Recent High School Graduate
Where we met: On our first date. It just kinda happened.
What Happened: So I met this random loser at a club one night and we exchanged numbers. For about a week we send flirty texts back and forth like "you think you can handle me?" "oh i know i can" you know. asanine shit like that. things that make me wanna strangle a woodland creature when my phone beeps, but if it gets me closer to some hey-girl-hey... i'll play along.
One night he mentions that he is heading to the club and I should "meet him there." I honestly have nothing else to do and making out on the dance floor sounds like a pretty good option. I mean you guys know I like to keep it classy. So I head over there and he's surrounded by this group of gorgeous girls who are grinding up on him.
Great. The only thing I hate more than the fundamentalist agenda... are ditzy fag hags. Shut up and go blow someone will you? You're only friends with a gay guy so that you have someone who is sluttier than you to compare yourself to. He is only there so that you don't feel like the hot mess you are. Take your skinny jeans and bump-its to the straight bar. Thank you.
So we are all dancing. Or rather I'm trying to dance with him but clueless bitches keep getting in the way. I finally give up and just stop. Thats when 1-800-JUST-18 walks in and struts right up to loser-face and begins dancing with him. Um, excuse me? You invite me out and then grind up all on some other guy. A guy I don't even know? Thanks for showing what a ho-bag you are. So I'm seething and am 20 seconds away from leaving but 1-800-JUST-18 keeps eyeing me. Apparently he has no issues with being second fiddle. Thats when I rang the dinner bell for sloppy seconds.
We begin with some casual convo about who he is, why he is here [Apparently Professor i'm-a-skanky-slut-tease texted every gay guy in his phone and asked them to meet him there that night. We just both fell for the attention. Like most pretty gays.] and other get to know you type things. All yelled over the romantic booming of "Blame It."
Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-a-a-awkward circumstance.
Oh also. He is 18. Like as in just turned. Which is why his name is 1-800-JUST-18. I usually am not a creepy old man. I have no desire to be a "daddy" or "older bro." (ugh why are gay terms familial and incestual? that or named after gross animals "piggy" "bear" etc. can we as a community change this please?) but I want it and he seemed into me. Hey sometimes I'm manipulate younger guys! I wanted to encourage this behavior so I told him to wash of the "under 21" X on his hand in the bathroom so he could order drinks. He did. It worked. I helped the youth of America.
We dance. We grind. We grope. It is the way of the homosexual. Our mating rituals differ slightly from the heterosexual in that both partners may sexily undulate their bodies. This is not preferable with breeders. Little known fact... it is discouraged.
I figure its time to ask the trashiest question ever: "Do you want to get out of here?"
He nods but says that he wants to stay a little bit longer. I'm ok with that because I've at least locked in some makeouts. I'll put up with another 20 minutes of this place for that.
.... Those 20 minutes pass. I ask if he is ready to go yet. He pulls me outside for some air. We sit down at a table and the ringing in my ears is deafening. He is clearly drunk and drenched in sweat and I can tell he has no intention of going anywhere. He answers are short and he doesn't make eye contact. I have blown the easiest thing ever. Taking home a drunk 18 year old? Thats college 101. Thats your midterm. I failed. And I'm 24. I might as well join the color guard.
So after two denials I flat out say: "Ok I'm gonna go. You coming with me or not?" He nods and says goodbye to his friends. Oh. I did something right? Fucking Finally. This night would have been a a huge effing waste of time otherwise. I mean the place had no cover and going home alone ensures no chance of catching a std. who wants a night like that?
We get in my car and I ask "your place or mine?" he says. or rather slurs "wherever we go, i'm gonna spend the night there." Clazzy. Y'all know how I feel about direct bitches. I love it so much. I figure we'll do his place since I don't want vomit on my bed and if he's cray-cray he won't know where I live. When we get there its actually this really nice house that he's sharing with some other college kids. Way to go, twinkie.
We flop down onto his bed and begin talking about things and find out we have a lot in common. This clearly leads to make outs. Which clearly leads to the loss of some clothes. He stops me after a while and its clear he is too tired because he has to work at coldstone the next day. Awwwww. Youngins. We end up going to bed and not much else happens. In the morning I kiss him goodbye and get his number. He was sweet and fun and even though he is 6 years younger and a potential hot mess in bag, I think I like him. I'll play along for another date.
Gained Points for: Paying attention to me
Lost Points for: Not leaving with me the first time.
Mistakes I Made: Not having a contact case/solution in my car for impromptu sleepovers.
Chances for Another Date: Pretty good. I mean he is cute. And made out with me. Thats worth another one right there.
Overall Grade: B+
Names have been changed to protect the drunk gay youth.
Name of Date: 1-800-JUST-18
Date #: 1
Looks Like: An All-American Twink.
Age: JUST 18
Occupation: Recent High School Graduate
Where we met: On our first date. It just kinda happened.
What Happened: So I met this random loser at a club one night and we exchanged numbers. For about a week we send flirty texts back and forth like "you think you can handle me?" "oh i know i can" you know. asanine shit like that. things that make me wanna strangle a woodland creature when my phone beeps, but if it gets me closer to some hey-girl-hey... i'll play along.
One night he mentions that he is heading to the club and I should "meet him there." I honestly have nothing else to do and making out on the dance floor sounds like a pretty good option. I mean you guys know I like to keep it classy. So I head over there and he's surrounded by this group of gorgeous girls who are grinding up on him.
Great. The only thing I hate more than the fundamentalist agenda... are ditzy fag hags. Shut up and go blow someone will you? You're only friends with a gay guy so that you have someone who is sluttier than you to compare yourself to. He is only there so that you don't feel like the hot mess you are. Take your skinny jeans and bump-its to the straight bar. Thank you.
So we are all dancing. Or rather I'm trying to dance with him but clueless bitches keep getting in the way. I finally give up and just stop. Thats when 1-800-JUST-18 walks in and struts right up to loser-face and begins dancing with him. Um, excuse me? You invite me out and then grind up all on some other guy. A guy I don't even know? Thanks for showing what a ho-bag you are. So I'm seething and am 20 seconds away from leaving but 1-800-JUST-18 keeps eyeing me. Apparently he has no issues with being second fiddle. Thats when I rang the dinner bell for sloppy seconds.
We begin with some casual convo about who he is, why he is here [Apparently Professor i'm-a-skanky-slut-tease texted every gay guy in his phone and asked them to meet him there that night. We just both fell for the attention. Like most pretty gays.] and other get to know you type things. All yelled over the romantic booming of "Blame It."
Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-a-a-awkward circumstance.
Oh also. He is 18. Like as in just turned. Which is why his name is 1-800-JUST-18. I usually am not a creepy old man. I have no desire to be a "daddy" or "older bro." (ugh why are gay terms familial and incestual? that or named after gross animals "piggy" "bear" etc. can we as a community change this please?) but I want it and he seemed into me. Hey sometimes I'm manipulate younger guys! I wanted to encourage this behavior so I told him to wash of the "under 21" X on his hand in the bathroom so he could order drinks. He did. It worked. I helped the youth of America.
We dance. We grind. We grope. It is the way of the homosexual. Our mating rituals differ slightly from the heterosexual in that both partners may sexily undulate their bodies. This is not preferable with breeders. Little known fact... it is discouraged.
I figure its time to ask the trashiest question ever: "Do you want to get out of here?"
He nods but says that he wants to stay a little bit longer. I'm ok with that because I've at least locked in some makeouts. I'll put up with another 20 minutes of this place for that.
.... Those 20 minutes pass. I ask if he is ready to go yet. He pulls me outside for some air. We sit down at a table and the ringing in my ears is deafening. He is clearly drunk and drenched in sweat and I can tell he has no intention of going anywhere. He answers are short and he doesn't make eye contact. I have blown the easiest thing ever. Taking home a drunk 18 year old? Thats college 101. Thats your midterm. I failed. And I'm 24. I might as well join the color guard.
So after two denials I flat out say: "Ok I'm gonna go. You coming with me or not?" He nods and says goodbye to his friends. Oh. I did something right? Fucking Finally. This night would have been a a huge effing waste of time otherwise. I mean the place had no cover and going home alone ensures no chance of catching a std. who wants a night like that?
We get in my car and I ask "your place or mine?" he says. or rather slurs "wherever we go, i'm gonna spend the night there." Clazzy. Y'all know how I feel about direct bitches. I love it so much. I figure we'll do his place since I don't want vomit on my bed and if he's cray-cray he won't know where I live. When we get there its actually this really nice house that he's sharing with some other college kids. Way to go, twinkie.
We flop down onto his bed and begin talking about things and find out we have a lot in common. This clearly leads to make outs. Which clearly leads to the loss of some clothes. He stops me after a while and its clear he is too tired because he has to work at coldstone the next day. Awwwww. Youngins. We end up going to bed and not much else happens. In the morning I kiss him goodbye and get his number. He was sweet and fun and even though he is 6 years younger and a potential hot mess in bag, I think I like him. I'll play along for another date.
Gained Points for: Paying attention to me
Lost Points for: Not leaving with me the first time.
Mistakes I Made: Not having a contact case/solution in my car for impromptu sleepovers.
Chances for Another Date: Pretty good. I mean he is cute. And made out with me. Thats worth another one right there.
Overall Grade: B+
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Pseudo Prince Charming
Sometimes you get really really close.
Names have been changed to protect the fleeting.
Name of Date: The Hottest Guy There
Date #: 2-ish?
Title of Last Date: Date #4 in Speed Dating Extravaganza
Amount of Time Between Dates: 3 Days
What Happened: So after an incredibly enchanting ten minutes with THGT I had pretty much decided he was my soul mate. I mean he was hot, had a great job, was interesting, was hot, seemed to be into me, beautiful smile, was hot and was really hot. I eagerly awaited our evening together since I had told him I loved scrabble and he said we should play together. I may or may not have been too excited about lettered tiles. Hint: I was. But then I could spell out cute things like. "hi babe" and "do me."
We met up at an irish pub for a drink. Actually wait. Strike that. We didn't meet up. He came to my house and he WALKED ME THERE. Just like a gentleman. His pretty shoes were clicking on brick sidewalks the whole way there. The air was crisp. It was just like a movie. I wanted to stop and kiss him right then and there.
At the pub we both ordered the same cided. Adorable, no? It is. Don't even act like it isn't. We spend an hour chatting about our lives. I really got to know him and he's so interesting and mature and hot and basically... wonderful. I'm all caught up in the potential prince charming that I don't even care that his friends are texting him incessantly. He excuses them and says they want to meet up. Perhaps dinner and then going to see a band play?
My heart was set on scrabble. And alone time with THGT. I didn't want to spend the evening with his gaggle of gays. All their judging eyes. OR all their jealous eyes I should say. YOU KNOW a group of gay friends is always going to look at the one their friend is dating and think one of two things
a. hot mess
b. i wanna ride
Plus I didn't feel like being the 5th wheel to Carrie Samantha Charlotte and the lezzie.
There is no nice way to say "No. I don't want to hang out with other homos tonight. Just you." So I said something like "Well, we'll see... I might get tired and I dunno how much I want to commit to..."
It was at this point that he looked at me dead in the eye and said: "No matter what happens tonight, you are coming home with me at the end of the evening."
uh.... HELLS YES. I don't know about you bitches but that kind of straighforward-ownership-gonna-screw-you-good talk really REALLY gets me going. I love when a guy can be direct. I mean it didn't hurt that I was hardcore feeling him already. I took a sip of my drink and tried to hide my quivering legs as I whispered. "Well as long as I'm going home with you... I don't care what we do."
So we go to (one of my favorite restaurants actually) and meet his friends there for dinner. They are all less attractive than him and me so I'm geussing they're all thinking option B and secretly hating THGT... but given they're looks I'm sure thats not an uncommon feeling. I'm the center of attention for a while and find great joy in calling out one of his friends for being slutty after he told a story. The guy looked scandalized that I'd say that after first meeting him, but he deserved it. And THGT just laughed and squeezed my hand. I could tell he liked it. Yeah. Take that judgey posse!!! Don't mess with the gay bull cause you get the tastefully decorated horns!
(is that even possible? i'm not gonna think about it)
The focus quickly turned off of me when another one of the guys there realized he'd hooked up with our waiter. Why am I not surprised?
After dinner we head to some lesbian place to hear this band play. I've had about 3 drinks at this point and THGT is at about 6 or 7. I can tell he's feeling the affect of alcohol in the sleepy type way. I can see my crazy night of love making passing before my eyes... so I drag him out of there and tell him its time to go home. His drunken ass somehow gets us home and oh man... his place is GORGEOUS. Like I want to move in right away. Its pretty much everything I could ever want in a condo. He pulls out a guest toothbrush for me, along with several other toiletries. I should take note that the fact that he has these readily available means that he does this a lot... but... I really don't care.
We crawl into bed and he has is laptop out saying we should watch a tv show. Um. TV show? I'm in your bed in my underwear there is no need for pretense here... just take them off with your teeth and get to business, geez!!! But he is committed to this tv watching charade. I snuggle up next to him and let it last about 6-ish minutes before I begin nibbling on his ear. 30 seconds later the laptop is gone and I'm on top of him. yessss.
Ok so here is where it gets weird. He doesn't want to kiss me. Like... he will, but only pecks. Nothing deep or passionate. And if I try he clenches his mouth. I had no idea why but its really sad because I feel that kissing is one of the most sensual parts of sex. Maybe he's Pretty Woman-ing this ish and I need figure out how much to leave on the nightstand. Well we have an excellent romp and fall asleep and even have a round 2 at 6am. I love that. Its just... theres no kissing. And I am confused.
The next morning I tell him I need to be getting back (which I actually feel guilty about. I didn't want to wake him up.) but it was the truth, I needed to meet someone. Now I'm all gross and bed-heady and wearing yesterdays clothes. The NOBLE thing to do would be to just drive me home in whatever pjs you got on. But no... THGT needs to keep up appearances so he takes a shower (while I wait) picks out clothes (while I wait) and primps (while I wait) and hour later and we're finally leaving.
On the ride back I'm confused but not entirely turned off. We make casual small talk and I hint at the possibility of another date. He very slyly changes the topic after a quick "Yeah.. maybe." And I know its all over. I mean I can't blame him though. He is THGT. He's probably got too many guys to go sweep off their feet.
He drops me off at home and kisses me hard and real for the first time. I watch him drive away. I'm sad but just like the Baker's Wife said "it was just a moment in the woods."
Gained Points for: Being direct.... swooooon!
Lost Points for: Not falling madly in love with me
Mistakes I Made: Letting him drink so much?
Chances for another date: I mean I'm not gonna wait by my phone... wait.. did he just text me??!? no... nevermind.
Overall Grade: B
Names have been changed to protect the fleeting.
Name of Date: The Hottest Guy There
Date #: 2-ish?
Title of Last Date: Date #4 in Speed Dating Extravaganza
Amount of Time Between Dates: 3 Days
What Happened: So after an incredibly enchanting ten minutes with THGT I had pretty much decided he was my soul mate. I mean he was hot, had a great job, was interesting, was hot, seemed to be into me, beautiful smile, was hot and was really hot. I eagerly awaited our evening together since I had told him I loved scrabble and he said we should play together. I may or may not have been too excited about lettered tiles. Hint: I was. But then I could spell out cute things like. "hi babe" and "do me."
We met up at an irish pub for a drink. Actually wait. Strike that. We didn't meet up. He came to my house and he WALKED ME THERE. Just like a gentleman. His pretty shoes were clicking on brick sidewalks the whole way there. The air was crisp. It was just like a movie. I wanted to stop and kiss him right then and there.
At the pub we both ordered the same cided. Adorable, no? It is. Don't even act like it isn't. We spend an hour chatting about our lives. I really got to know him and he's so interesting and mature and hot and basically... wonderful. I'm all caught up in the potential prince charming that I don't even care that his friends are texting him incessantly. He excuses them and says they want to meet up. Perhaps dinner and then going to see a band play?
My heart was set on scrabble. And alone time with THGT. I didn't want to spend the evening with his gaggle of gays. All their judging eyes. OR all their jealous eyes I should say. YOU KNOW a group of gay friends is always going to look at the one their friend is dating and think one of two things
a. hot mess
b. i wanna ride
Plus I didn't feel like being the 5th wheel to Carrie Samantha Charlotte and the lezzie.
There is no nice way to say "No. I don't want to hang out with other homos tonight. Just you." So I said something like "Well, we'll see... I might get tired and I dunno how much I want to commit to..."
It was at this point that he looked at me dead in the eye and said: "No matter what happens tonight, you are coming home with me at the end of the evening."
uh.... HELLS YES. I don't know about you bitches but that kind of straighforward-ownership-gonna-screw-you-good talk really REALLY gets me going. I love when a guy can be direct. I mean it didn't hurt that I was hardcore feeling him already. I took a sip of my drink and tried to hide my quivering legs as I whispered. "Well as long as I'm going home with you... I don't care what we do."
So we go to (one of my favorite restaurants actually) and meet his friends there for dinner. They are all less attractive than him and me so I'm geussing they're all thinking option B and secretly hating THGT... but given they're looks I'm sure thats not an uncommon feeling. I'm the center of attention for a while and find great joy in calling out one of his friends for being slutty after he told a story. The guy looked scandalized that I'd say that after first meeting him, but he deserved it. And THGT just laughed and squeezed my hand. I could tell he liked it. Yeah. Take that judgey posse!!! Don't mess with the gay bull cause you get the tastefully decorated horns!
(is that even possible? i'm not gonna think about it)
The focus quickly turned off of me when another one of the guys there realized he'd hooked up with our waiter. Why am I not surprised?
After dinner we head to some lesbian place to hear this band play. I've had about 3 drinks at this point and THGT is at about 6 or 7. I can tell he's feeling the affect of alcohol in the sleepy type way. I can see my crazy night of love making passing before my eyes... so I drag him out of there and tell him its time to go home. His drunken ass somehow gets us home and oh man... his place is GORGEOUS. Like I want to move in right away. Its pretty much everything I could ever want in a condo. He pulls out a guest toothbrush for me, along with several other toiletries. I should take note that the fact that he has these readily available means that he does this a lot... but... I really don't care.
We crawl into bed and he has is laptop out saying we should watch a tv show. Um. TV show? I'm in your bed in my underwear there is no need for pretense here... just take them off with your teeth and get to business, geez!!! But he is committed to this tv watching charade. I snuggle up next to him and let it last about 6-ish minutes before I begin nibbling on his ear. 30 seconds later the laptop is gone and I'm on top of him. yessss.
Ok so here is where it gets weird. He doesn't want to kiss me. Like... he will, but only pecks. Nothing deep or passionate. And if I try he clenches his mouth. I had no idea why but its really sad because I feel that kissing is one of the most sensual parts of sex. Maybe he's Pretty Woman-ing this ish and I need figure out how much to leave on the nightstand. Well we have an excellent romp and fall asleep and even have a round 2 at 6am. I love that. Its just... theres no kissing. And I am confused.
The next morning I tell him I need to be getting back (which I actually feel guilty about. I didn't want to wake him up.) but it was the truth, I needed to meet someone. Now I'm all gross and bed-heady and wearing yesterdays clothes. The NOBLE thing to do would be to just drive me home in whatever pjs you got on. But no... THGT needs to keep up appearances so he takes a shower (while I wait) picks out clothes (while I wait) and primps (while I wait) and hour later and we're finally leaving.
On the ride back I'm confused but not entirely turned off. We make casual small talk and I hint at the possibility of another date. He very slyly changes the topic after a quick "Yeah.. maybe." And I know its all over. I mean I can't blame him though. He is THGT. He's probably got too many guys to go sweep off their feet.
He drops me off at home and kisses me hard and real for the first time. I watch him drive away. I'm sad but just like the Baker's Wife said "it was just a moment in the woods."
Gained Points for: Being direct.... swooooon!
Lost Points for: Not falling madly in love with me
Mistakes I Made: Letting him drink so much?
Chances for another date: I mean I'm not gonna wait by my phone... wait.. did he just text me??!? no... nevermind.
Overall Grade: B
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