Sorry I haven't written in a while. I was doing some soul-searching and not dating but now I'm back in the game. For those of you worried I had run out of dates to talk about, I did the math and I'm not even halfway through all the dates I've been on. There is much more to come. I figured for my return from the Hiatus I would write about the first date I went on after I took a Hiatus from dating after my first boyfriend and I broke up. Here we go!
Names have been changed to protect those who are trying really hard.
Name of Date: Transition
Date #:1
Looks Like: Bald, Beard, Body Hair. The trifecta of boner killers
Age: 25
Occupation: RD at a pretty prominent college
Where We Met: Connexion
What Happened: So I was pretty shaken up after my break up with The First so I didn't want to jump back into the dating scene. To be honest I had never actually dated a guy before. The First and I came out to each other with makeouts and were boyfriends 5 minutes later. I was terrified. I imagined this sea of greasy guys full of STDs waiting to shoot them on my face. And then laugh.
Luckily my friend Dana suggested connexion which is like the gay facebook. Transition messaged me first and we had a few conversations. He lived about 3 hours from my college. I wasn't particularly turned on by his looks. But he was older, mature, had a job and the exact opposite of everything The First was. Don't you like how when we want to improve our lives we often thing if we choose the exact opposite of what we had last time, things will work out? HELLO! There is a reason erections aren't random. Well I mean after you get out of middle school. hehehe boredom woodies.
But he was nice and seemed fairly harmless. We agreed to meet halfway and grab some dinner and go bowling. Done and Done.
So he picks this Italian restaurant I have never heard of and gives me the address. I spend 90 minutes driving there scared out of my mind. What if he tries to kiss me? What if I don't like him? What If he expects sex? I was more stressed about this first date than Harry Potter was about meeting that asian bitch Cho Chang in the Owlery. ANGST!
When I get there sweaty and nervous I pull into the address he has given me and... it isn't there. Its like an empty sad abandoned building. Fuck. I'm lost in the middle of PA somewhere. Amish people just waiting to pounce and force me to wear suspenders. (which, omg, are a totes cute accessory until they become functional. think about it.) Or even worse I turn around and go back to campus and tell all my friends I drove 90 minutes to be stood up on my first attempt at dating.
I am left with my only option: call him. In our vast technological culture calling someone on the phone has suddenly become very intimate. Actually hearing someone's voice and having a live conversation is utterly terrifying. I know I've been on dates with guys and after a while they want to have phone sex and I freak out! "Oh yeah baby... I want you to... um... well... ugh can we just sext instead? or HOW ABOUT YOU COME OVER AND WE ACTUALLY DO IT?" Something that 20 years ago would have been seen as impersonal as an e-mail is now a heightened form of communication with crazy deep implications.
Anyway I call him and he tells me he is there and the place def. exists and I am just lost. He tries to give me directions and landmarks as to where he is but I'm utterly hopeless. I drive past it. I drive past it again. I do not see this place. All I see that is even close is a Carrabas in a shopping center. He tells me. "Go there. I will meet you there. Carrabas is fine."
Side note: I think I've had more dates in Carraba's than any other restaurant. Transition, Doctor Man, The Flautist, and another dude I haven't written about yet. Hmmmmm... I wonder why?Would someone care to unpack/deconstruct/undergad verb that for me? There and Rainforest Cafe. Ugh oh GOD Rainforest cafe. I seriously was dumped within a month after every time I've gone there on a date. DAMN YOUR UNDERWHELMING FOOD AND MEDIOCRE ANIMATRONICS!
He shows up at dinner and is wearing a grey t-shirt and jeans and is about a 5 on the hot scale. But he is super nice. He tells me he felt bad leaving the other place b/c he ordered a bottle of wine for us and then had to tell the waiter his directionally-challenged date couldn't find there Brigadoon-eqsue restaurant. I think that was sweet.
We have a pleasant meal and talk about all sorts of things. And by all sorts of things I mean the most generic shit you can imagine. Where did you grow up? Siblings? What kind of movies do you like? Ugh I guess that stuff is normal/necessary and I realize I've written the phrase "we did the get to know you conversation" on here like 500 times. But. I mean. I'm gonna be much more interested if you ask me questions that don't start with "so what is your favorite...?" but i'll probably be seduced if you ask things like "tell me what you're like after four drinks." or "would you ever consider dating someone in the adult entertainment industry?" THOSE are the kinds of questions that make a first date interesting. I'll find out all the asinine shit later when you've been in an accident and I have to make stuff up to the paramedics when they come to pull your ass out of the burning building after we thought sex by candlelight would be romantic. Right? That happens right?
Anyway we make it through dinner and although the conversation is as bland as clothing from sears. Ew. And we head to the bowling alley. I follow him this time and he gets us there easily. Good with maps. check. You never know when you're gonna be lost in Morocco and need to escape quickly. AKA on THE AMAZING RACE!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok so now bowling seems like a cute idea, but when you get down to the mechanics of it, its actually very solitary. One person gets up and rolls a ball while the other person waits. The vice versa. You can't really talk during it. Miniature golf allows for the same level of cuteness with actual intimacy. Plus you can totes back out and grab body parts in the fun little tunnel fiberglass cave things.
As he's bowling I'm checking out his ass and literally trying to decide if I want to do things to it. Not tonight because this was back when I had pride and wouldn't dream of sex on a first date, but for future bedroom romps. It was an ok ass. I was guessing hairy from the look of his arms. Not too big and not too small. Overall I could work with it. And then I realized the brilliance of bowling. He WANTED me to check out his ass. Its the perfect "sport" for presenting your rear end to a mate ALL NIGHT LONG without looking cheap. Well played, transition, well played.
The game ended, and I don't even know who won. We parted and I drove home with ass on the brain.
Gained Points For: Being a pretty nice guy even if he was boring/bland
Lost Points For: Not shaving his beard.
Mistakes I Made: Being ridiculous with directions. Seriously why don't I have a GPS?
Chances for Another Date: I am lonely and clingy and still processing the ex so I need all the attention I can get. I'm willing to give it a 2nd try.
Overall Grade: B-
Ok guys I know I'm rusty and this isn't up to my hilarious par, but let me re-adjust to the waters. I'm just like the fat kid wading into the pool, no one pays attention 'til he's in the deep in doggy paddling for life. Which is really funny to the lifeguards.
