Names have been changed to protect those without a chance.
Name of Date: Hopeless
Date #: 2
Looks Like: Imagine the skinniest guy you know, then take off 10 pounds. Blonde hair and the dreaded weak chin. Seriously I need a team of people around me at all times so that I never date a weak chinned guy ever again. I haz a pwoblem.
Age: 23
Occupation: Grad Student
Where We Met: Adam 4Adam.com (he had cleverly chosen a straight-on photo, so I didn't notice his intentionally hidden weak chin. I cannot be blamed entirely)
What Happened: Well our first date was super uneventful. I just went over to his place and he made tea and we chatted and I sneezed continuously because of his house cat. Hopeless was a nice enough guy. Very intelligent, good listener, but also very needy. I picked up on this immediately. I'm needy myself so I was tripping over the signs. Talking about the future, telling me how handsome I am (truths, but ploys nonetheless), and begging to see me again. I was literally a week away from moving to a different state, so anything meaningful was the furthest thing from my mind. However, I had gotten myself into this hot mess, I had to follow-through.
A few days before I left he called and begged me to come see him one last time before I moved. I really didn't want to. I had friends to see, packing to do, plans to be made. But he sounded soooo pathetic and I know that needy voice because I've used it 200 times. "Please, just, let's just spend one last night together and in the morning we'll say goodbye." Cut to me in tears sobbing on my knees in the street while his car pulls away. Has happened more than once. No lie. I feel a connection with his plea, so I reluctantly agree.
He tells me to stop by when he gets out of class and we'll watch a movie (Aka he'll try desperately to take my clothes off and get me to say the words "maybe we can make this work somehow.") WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE. I don't judge him too harshly, in fact his insane infatuation is probably flattering? I like to be needed. I'm a 2 on the enneagram scale. Look it up. It's super enlightening.
When I get to his place that night he tells me that he is dog-sitting and would I mind heading over to his friend's place so we can walk them? Normally I wouldn't care, because I love dogs. But, it's already like 10pm. I just wanted to spend an hour with him, maybe make out and give him a thrill, and then make it to the bar to squeeze in some last hangouts with friends. I resign myself to the fact that the evening belongs to him now. I am committed. This is his gift. Of me. I suddenly feel bad for all the guys I've deemed assholes who must have felt this exact same way while indulging my crazy.
The dogs happen to be a dachshund and a rescue greyhound. The dachshund dashes out of the house the moment he opens the door, barks ferociously at me, and runs away into the night. The dog literally ran away. The metaphor is not lost on me. With the disappearing jingle of his collar so goes any chance I had of having an enjoyable evening. Hopeless tries to remain calm and asks that I stay with the greyhound while he looks for the other. I begin to compose an acoustic jason mraz-ish version of "who let the dogs out?" in my head. It is stellar. The greyhound is gorgeous, if dumb, and is content to let me feed it then snoop around the poorly decorated house. A mannequin wearing a read rain coat in your living room? I can't think of any reason that is a good idea.
Ten minutes later hopeless returns defeated. No dog. Fuck. I have to help him now. His lip is quivering and the responsibility of being in charge and failing had broken him. I see all this happening in his brain and I think "oh great. I know he needs to be comforted now. He will want a hug and a kiss and for me to tell him it will all be ok." Seconds later he wraps his arms around me and I have to suppress a groan. Am I this predictable to guys I date? I see now why I am so single. So so so single. I oblige with the kissing and comforting (albeit half-heartedly) and commence looking for this damn dog.
It is dark out. Poorly lit. And I just want to go home and watch musical theatre majors riff through classics during their recitals on youtube. That is all I want at this point. But here I am calling out in falsetto for a dog who doesn't know me and clearly doesn't want to be home. After about 20 minutes of fruitless searching I am ready to tell this kid to give up and call the owner. But by the grace of God a car drives by and in his headlights we spot the little fucker crossing the street. Hopeless scoops him up and tosses him inside. Mission annoyingly accomplished.
We drive back to his place and in his highly emotional and relieved state he wants to celebrate by sex. Not even this excites me. I just go through the motions and actually become quite frustrated. I want to finish. I want to go home. I don't like this kid. Again flashes of every guy I've hated for doing the exact same thing to me come to my head. I'm a terrible person, but it still doesn't change that I just do not want to be with him. I can only suffer through about 10 minutes of cuddling before I leave. I make a point to get out as quickly as possible before he can break into the rehearsed monologue he has about how awesome I am and how good he thinks we could be for each other. I want out before any messy pleading begins and I am left to have to break this kid's heart with words instead of actions.
I leave and get in my car furious with myself for being that guy I hate. Hopeless deserved a lot better than me. Working out my past issues by agreeing to an obligatory evening was a pretty shitty thing to do.
Gained Points for: Wearing his heart on his sleeve.
Lost Points for: Having skewed expectations.
Mistakes I Made: Thinking that indulging him would be good for both of us.
Chances for Another Date: He still texts and messages me all the time. I'm trying as hard as I can to be polite but clear about my interest. I do not think it will happen.
Overall Grade: D +
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